Took back proposal

[Saxophone]

Hi I hope you can help me gain some clarity. I have been with my "fiancé" for 7 years. He proposed 2 years ago out of the blue on holiday very romantic but a lovely surprise. We have both had previous marriages - both ended a number of years ago. All family and friends very happy for us. We got the ring and started to make plans, I promise I was not a bridezilla ( not my style at all). Over time he has been reluctant to talk about future plans etc ( not even specifically wedding plans). When asked why he said " I let my heart rule my head when I proposed" I was devastated. However I love him and I know he went through a horrendous divorce so stayed with him. I don't want to make him seem like an awful person he really isn't. The problem is I don't know where I stand now, he says he loves me but there is no talk of future ( and I don't mean weddings) or even holidays etc. I don't want to be the one who always raises things so have evaded talking about things myself now as I don't get anywhere. It is the massive elephant in the room. To top it all he has withdrawn emotionally and physically ( diagnosed with depression last year), says he loves me very much etc. however a few months ago I found links to various porn sites ( interactive stuff - hasn't paid for anything). He denies its him ( nobody else lives with him) so can't be anyone else. He isn't having an affair I've done the usual checking, he is very anti cheating. What do I do? Stay? Stick it out? Wait for things to improve? I'm a very common sense person but am really struggling, it's emotion v being taken for a fool!

Sorry for long text didn't want to drip feed.

[abitbroken]

I would end the engagement. Anyone who implies that being engaged to you is a mistake is someone you should not marry, nor be engaged to indefinitely. He is a grown adult who has been engaged and married before so he knows how it all "works"

 

he needs counseling to get over his divorce

[Scoe141]

It sounds like you've invested in a lot of time here.

 

However, in the grand scheme of things, 7 years could be a drop in a bucket. You two could go seek counseling, but I'm not sure how effective that will be at this point. (Not to mention, if he can't be forthcoming about what you found on his computer, than I wonder if he has anything else to hide.)

 

A relationship needs certainty, not ambiguity.

 

Best of luck to you both.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he did not really want to remarry. Relationships going in reverse generally are not a good sign. Do you live together?

 

It doesn't sound like this is about porn or affairs, just depression and never really wanting to go through with a remarriage.

 

You continue to go along as you have been and hope his depression is being treated. What are your options at this point?

I have been with my "fiancé" for 7 years. " I let my heart rule my head when I proposed". he says he loves me but there is no talk of future. he has withdrawn emotionally and physically ( diagnosed with depression last year), says he loves me very much etc.

[Saxophone]

Thank you for your reply. a few months ago (after a bottle of red wine) he started to open up and talk. He then said "right let's set a date", wonderful you might think but he was very merry so this was not a reliable comment. I said he would have to go some way to undo the hurt he caused and he said he would. He has just settled into his comfort zone again I could scream. We don't live together and see each other once in the week and more at weekends. Nothing changes. I'm not wanting to change him he's done that himself, he was a lot more outgoing etc up to when he proposed. Since being on antidepressants his mood is quite flat and he doesn't seem to be happy or sad. I've mentioned this to him and he says he will see the GP but no appt made yet. I'm feeling bored with him but don't want to give up either. This is so frustrating. Any advice really appreciated.

[PICCOLLO]

Antidepressants tend to flat line your mood; no big peaks or troughs.

 

Mental health and relationships can be tricky. Id postpone any plans for the time being. You may have to evaluate if you are happy to let things continue as they are while he sorts out his issues.

[SkellyWoozle]

Yep, I've been waiting for that moment too..... I've been with my partner for about 8 years. We talked about getting married a long time ago, where we'd have it, who would be his best man etc yet whenever the subject comes up now, he changes the subject, no matter who mentions it. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me too. We do amazing stuff together and he would do anything for me. Does it niggle though? Of course it does. I have days where I live in a dreamland.... imagining the day I walk down the aisle, what music we'll have etc and I sob ridiculously. But would I leave him because he won't marry me? No. He was married for a long time before he met me (his wife passed away very soon after being diagnosed with cancer) and there were other things going on, so I get why he's holding back. Personally I have no major problem, though of course I would love to walk down the aisle, dad by my side. Anyway, that's some of my story! Good luck X

[Saxophone]

Hi. Thank you so much for your replies they are very helpful. I am considering taking a break from him to get some perspective. I'm thinking if I don't see him for a while ? Couple of months, it may make me see how much I miss him or it may give him the opportunity to understand why I hurt so much. There are so many excuses I.e bad divorce, allergic to my cat, renting my house out etc etc which I get but there are no positives ie I'm looking forward to spending my life with you. He says he loves me but there is no emotion. Don't get me wrong I'm not looking for that "honeymoon" (hmmm ironic) period again. Perhaps it is the antidepressants having an impact but am I wasting my time? Is this how I want to spend my life? This is maddening I'd miss him so much but then when I'm with him a want to shake him lol.

[Wiseman2]

Very good ideas to lay back and remove yourself for a time. Trying to squeeze blood out of a stone is futile and in this case heartbreaking. Yes give it a break..it sounds like he's dead weight dragging you down.

 

Agree if his apathy and complacency are due to mood disorders medications or simple things running their course and the feelings being almost gone, it's hard to tell while you stay in the midst of it.

He says he loves me but there is no emotion. Perhaps it is the antidepressants having an impact but am I wasting my time? Is this how I want to spend my life? This is maddening I'd miss him so much but then when I'm with him a want to shake him lol.

[Saxophone]

Very good ideas to lay back and remove yourself for a time. Trying to squeeze blood out of a stone is futile and in this case heartbreaking. Yes give it a break..it sounds like he's dead weight dragging you down.

 

Agree if his apathy and complacency are due to mood disorders medications or simple things running their course and the feelings being almost gone, it's hard to tell while you stay in the midst of it.

 

Yes I agree it does make sense things can't be anymore frustrating than they already are. It's starting to affect my everyday life and making me feel miserable. He will have to respect my wishes. I'm scared that he will go along with a break and feel that as I've instigated it then it's my problem if you see what I mean ( like I want the break so come back when you've sorted it situation). If he is on antidepressants for life I really couldn't take this "flatlining" although I'd hate him to become very depressed - double edged sword really. If a friend was telling me this story I would have all the answers but when it's me I'm stumped!! I removed my engagement ring 2 weeks ago and he hasn't said anything! I think he's scared of "the talk". He's away for a few days with work soon so that will be a good time to instigate the distance. Thank you for your support its really appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Then put it on you. Sorry to say but you may need to use a variation of the old "it's me, not you" cliche in this case.

I'm scared that he will go along with a break and feel that as I've instigated it then it's my problem if you see what I mean ( like I want the break so come back when you've sorted it situation).

[abitbroken]

I don't like how you use the word "instigate". Instigating something implies that you are troublemaking. Instigating, no - initiating, yes. I know its just semantics, but your word choice is very telling and implies you don't find yourself worthy - that you think you are making waves versus simply doing what is best for youu.

 

Yes I agree it does make sense things can't be anymore frustrating than they already are. It's starting to affect my everyday life and making me feel miserable. He will have to respect my wishes. I'm scared that he will go along with a break and feel that as I've instigated it then it's my problem if you see what I mean ( like I want the break so come back when you've sorted it situation). If he is on antidepressants for life I really couldn't take this "flatlining" although I'd hate him to become very depressed - double edged sword really. If a friend was telling me this story I would have all the answers but when it's me I'm stumped!! I removed my engagement ring 2 weeks ago and he hasn't said anything! I think he's scared of "the talk". He's away for a few days with work soon so that will be a good time to instigate the distance. Thank you for your support its really appreciated.

 

Yes you do have a problem. The problem is that you are with a man who is not head over heels/is excited to marry you. the way to solve the problem is to break up. Not a break, but a breakup. Because if its just a break, he will count on seeing you again in a month with the same song and dance. Or you will be absolutely gutted when at the agreed upon date of your break (ie, you say let's take a break for 3 months) he does not call you.

 

It has nothing to do with your worth as a person. It has everything to do with your guy not being capable of a committed relationship. If one day he deals with his divorce, he finds a way to manage his depression, maybe he'll be capable of it, but don't wait around. he needs to lose you.

 

Give him the ring back. No "let's take a break" or "its not you, its me".

[Jd1983]

I agree with breaking things off. If you've been with him for 7 years and he still doesn't know whether or not he wants to settle down with you, then it's clearly a problem. It's one thing if you are both fine with not being married. However, from what I gather you are looking for marriage. Do you really want to waste another 7 years with someone who is unsure about their future with you?

[itsallgrand]

I don't think he's awful at all. It seems very clear where he stands. He loves you, doesn't want to lose you , and he doesn't want to live with you nor marry you.

 

Don't make it a game because it's not. You either meet him where he actually is - not where you want him to be - or you can choose to move on. Taking a break so he'll come around to being what you want just isn't a smart idea, and it's playing.

 

Sorry if this sounds hard ass. To me, it seems like you are a bit in denial about where both of you really were as far as a couple over the years. It sounds like real communication died a long time ago. His proposal 'out of the blue' being a last ditch effort on his part to keep things going. Kind of like how some people have a baby to try and save a relationship where both are going in opposite directions. Horrible idea for sure, but also, you really wanted to believe in it too so here you both are.

[Saxophone]

I don't think he's awful at all. It seems very clear where he stands. He loves you, doesn't want to lose you , and he doesn't want to live with you nor marry you.

 

Don't make it a game because it's not. You either meet him where he actually is - not where you want him to be - or you can choose to move on. Taking a break so he'll come around to being what you want just isn't a smart idea, and it's playing.

 

Sorry if this sounds hard ass. To me, it seems like you are a bit in denial about where both of you really were as far as a couple over the years. It sounds like real communication died a long time ago. His proposal 'out of the blue' being a last ditch effort on his part to keep things going. Kind of like how some people have a baby to try and save a relationship where both are going in opposite directions. Horrible idea for sure, but also, you really wanted to believe in it too so here you both are.

 

Hi there. Thankyou for all of your replies it is great to get different perspectives. Prior to the proposal we were getting along great, no major problems etc. It seems to have coincided with him taking his anti depressants, a kind of indifference. Even when things happen (quite seriously in one case with his son) he was bothered but it didnt seem to touch him if you see what i mean. Im not expecting major reactions but some recognition of events (happy or sad). Im not a player / or into mind games at all but am running out of ways to move forward. If i have an open honest talk with him ( and i do listen to him) he would take it all on board and probably agree but then slips back again. I want the man back he used to be not the one hes become.

[abitbroken]

Hi there. Thankyou for all of your replies it is great to get different perspectives. Prior to the proposal we were getting along great, no major problems etc. It seems to have coincided with him taking his anti depressants, a kind of indifference. Even when things happen (quite seriously in one case with his son) he was bothered but it didnt seem to touch him if you see what i mean. Im not expecting major reactions but some recognition of events (happy or sad). Im not a player / or into mind games at all but am running out of ways to move forward. If i have an open honest talk with him ( and i do listen to him) he would take it all on board and probably agree but then slips back again. I want the man back he used to be not the one hes become.

 

"getting along" = having some laughs, not arguing has no bearing on whether someone wants to marry someone or get married period. Lots of people can be polite, congenial, have a nice time at the movies.

 

I am sorry, but the man he is now is the man he is. You have to just accept that fact. If he doesn't take medications, then he might be more emotional, but he might also be too depressed to even go out with you. Unless his depression is situational (people can go through a period of depression when the life events pile up, death of someone close, etc, but not be clinically depressed for life), this is something that he needs to figure out how to manage his life like this and not worry about a wedding right now.

 

You say he will agree to something after a long talk, but then he just goes back to "slipping" means that he will agree to someone to not hurt your feelings or get the conversation to stop, but its not sticking because he really doesn't want to get married.

 

All you are going to do is get hurt here if you continue trying to have conversations to get him in a direction. You never set a wedding date BEFORE he was on anti-depressants, either.

 

I know you are slightly in denial here, and that's okay, but the bottom line is you need to walk away. The engagement is already broken if he told you it was a mistake.

[Saxophone]

"getting along" = having some laughs, not arguing has no bearing on whether someone wants to marry someone or get married period. Lots of people can be polite, congenial, have a nice time at the movies.

 

I am sorry, but the man he is now is the man he is. You have to just accept that fact. If he doesn't take medications, then he might be more emotional, but he might also be too depressed to even go out with you. Unless his depression is situational (people can go through a period of depression when the life events pile up, death of someone close, etc, but not be clinically depressed for life), this is something that he needs to figure out how to manage his life like this and not worry about a wedding right now.

 

You say he will agree to something after a long talk, but then he just goes back to "slipping" means that he will agree to someone to not hurt your feelings or get the conversation to stop, but its not sticking because he really doesn't want to get married.

 

All you are going to do is get hurt here if you continue trying to have conversations to get him in a direction. You never set a wedding date BEFORE he was on anti-depressants, either.

 

I know you are slightly in denial here, and that's okay, but the bottom line is you need to walk away. The engagement is already broken if he told you it was a mistake.

 

You are quite right in a lot of what you say. The proposal came out of the blue we hadn't discussed weddings ( his divorce was terrible). We'd had a lovely holiday and we were very much in love. The depression is endogenous according to his GP, I went with him to the appt at his request. I certainly don't want him to come off his meds and sink to an all time low he deserves to have a happy life. I don't want to push him into marraige at all, in fact part of me wishes he'd never proposed. I think, and I hope this makes sense, we were doing ok, he proposed, the path / future was taking a different route and I/ we were going along that route. Then after a lot of swerving the conversation about marriage etc he says he let his heart rule his head. I can't reconcile in my head that we were heading for one direction then it hits a traffic jam so to speak. I'm stuck! He doesn't plan social activities (that's down to me), he watches more porn than he used to....... So my self esteem is taking a bit of a battering. Am I analysing this too much? In past relationships I kept my feelings to myself and he has been the first man who I can be myself with BUT it seems I can't now, I'm afraid of being without him but I'm afraid to be with him in this present situation. Do I revert to just being bf and gf and be happy with that (which would be very hard) or call it a day? There were times in the past year when I took my ring off and he was very upset???? I asked why it bothered him and he said " because we are engaged and I love you" I ask what does being engaged mean to you? His reply "it means we are together"???? And so the cycle continued! Lots of mixed messages from him. This is obviously all one sided from me and I am trying to be objective to gain appropriate comments. Thank you all for your time and comments.