Angry and hurt...advice?

[D123R]

My friend didn't celebrate my birthday in January. She had to leave town for a family emergency. When she came back (three days after my birthday), she didn't make any attempt to take me out or celebrate my birthday in any way. Last year I left work early to spend her birthday with her so she wouldn't be alone. The year before that I paid for a birthday trip to PR and bought her a watch. We are both always there for each other for the things that really matter, so this seems petty but I can't shake the feeling I'm being disrespected.

 

Now that it's her birthday, I told her why should I celebrate with you when you didn't do that for me? (I've expressed this several times since my birthday, not just now). She could have done something when she came back but she didn't. She is angry with me I know, and that is what ticks me off.

 

Her side:

 

I had a family emergency and I had a lot on my mind, I had actually important things to deal with, you think your birthday was in my mind? You don't even have anything important to do that you can't celebrate my birthday, you are just being petty. I'm always there for you and the one year I couldn't be you throw it in my face.

 

My side:

 

I understand that you had family emergency, but saying you couldn't be there for me is not true. You could have done something when you came back to town but you didn't. I would never do that to you because I know how much your birthday means to you. It hurts to know that I would always try to be there for you and I didn't get the same from you. Now you know what i felt like.

 

 

Am I overreacting? Being petty? Every time I think about buying her flowers or taking her to birthday dinner or anything, this anger and bitterness grows inside me. But when I think of doing nothing for her, it feels like that's wrong of me.

 

Advice? Input?

[j.man]

My hope is that you're not older than like 15. Yes, you're being petty.

[Wiseman2]

She doesn't sound like a very good friend.

[Batya33]

"Now that it's her birthday, I told her why should I celebrate with you when you didn't do that for me? (I've expressed this several times since my birthday, not just now)"

 

and that is the petty part. As hard as it is, don't do things for people with an expectation of reciprocity. If things are or feel imbalanced then distance yourself from the friendship. If she asked you to celebrate with her you could have said, legitimately, "sorry I am too busy this year" without doing the for tat comment. Of course you are too busy to celebrate with someone who was too busy to celebrate with you- assuming (and this is important) that you do not trust the "too busy" reason. In my opinion, a family emergency is more than enough of an excuse and she likely was distracted when she returned. Yes, she should have taken you out later on or made it up in some way but again it depends on what the emergency was.

 

Was she there for you this past year during other important times?

[mustlovedogs]

have you ever thought how weirdly selfish birthdays are?

 

"Celebrate ME on the anniversary that my mom pushed me out of a tiny little space for hours on end"

 

On that note - yes, you're being petty. She could've, maybe should've, done something, sure - but what was the family emergency? Those take precedence, always, and it sounds like you may have been too selfish to help her through her CRISIS (as opposed to your birth anniversary)

 

Don't let one small flub, with a legitimate excuse, ruin your friendship

[Batya33]

I disagree for the most part. I think birthdays are important and often mark milestones (in some cultures, the parents are celebrated instead of the child). I think everyone gets to celebrate themselves at times - doesn't have to be "selfish". Many people I know do not ask for presents or to celebrate their birthdays- people offer. Also depends what the family/friends tradition is on birthdays as far as expectations.

 

(I am going to treat myself when I turn 50 soon -and, oddly, to your point - what makes me feel great about doing is taking my son to a pricey place he loves that gives free admission on a birthday).

[ParisPaulette]

You're both being unrealistic. But I think your upset is not that she had a family emergency and didn't get to do anything. It's that she's never apologized or offered to do something belatedly for you, am I right? And now she expects to get a full birthday bash in spite of that?

 

If that's the case then no, you are not being unrealistic. She is being incredibly rude. If she did do something for your birthday albeit late, then you're the one being unrealistic since she did have a family emergency.

 

But you need to stop a moment and ask yourself if this is the only instance of if you have a one-sided relationship anyways and this is just the latest in a long string of incidents. If that's the case then you may want to examine the friendship altogether, because one-sided "you do for me, I don't do for you" anything is just not healthy or normal.

 

Remember you teach others how to treat you and vice versa. Just examine the whole picture, because I can't tell what is what exactly to make a full judgement.

[greta96]

Another vote for petty... Your b-day may be a big deal to you, and maybe your parents, but to the rest of the world it's just another day. Your friend had a family emergency to deal with, so it is understandable that your b-day skipped her mind entirely. You haven't dealt with an emergency/serious situation yet, have you? Because if you did, you would know that when those situations happen, they take all the energy and time away from you, and the rest of the world is put on the back burner.

Frankly, if a friend of mine complained about me not having celebrated her b-day whilst I was going through a tough personal time, and then told me she wasn't going to celebrate my b-day just to be even, I would no longer be friends with her. Real friends don't do that, friendships are not about keeping scores so the fact that you told her what you did probably showed her you were not as good of a friend as she thought you were.

 

Sorry...but you were in the wrong here.

[D123R]

have you ever thought how weirdly selfish birthdays are?

 

"Celebrate ME on the anniversary that my mom pushed me out of a tiny little space for hours on end"

 

On that note - yes, you're being petty. She could've, maybe should've, done something, sure - but what was the family emergency? Those take precedence, always, and it sounds like you may have been too selfish to help her through her CRISIS (as opposed to your birth anniversary)

 

Don't let one small flub, with a legitimate excuse, ruin your friendship

 

 

You obviously didn't read my post correctly. My issue is not her family emergency (which I never questioned and yes, as a friend I absolutely was there for her, Not that I should have to clear that up), but the fact that nothing was done belatedly after the fact when she expects so much for her birthday.

 

Since we're on the subject, I actually don't really care about my birthday, in the past I have spent it alone or worked and didn't celebrate because to me it's just a day. So this is about something deeper, I guess a sense of feeling uneven with her. She takes birthdays very seriously (at least her own), and I've always gone out of my way to do something special for her. So the fact that no attempt was made on her behalf left me feeling slighted.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's about being even or keeping score. It's easier to do that - but it's not healthy.

[D123R]

Another vote for petty... Your b-day may be a big deal to you, and maybe your parents, but to the rest of the world it's just another day. Your friend had a family emergency to deal with, so it is understandable that your b-day skipped her mind entirely. You haven't dealt with an emergency/serious situation yet, have you? Because if you did, you would know that when those situations happen, they take all the energy and time away from you, and the rest of the world is put on the back burner.

Frankly, if a friend of mine complained about me not having celebrated her b-day whilst I was going through a tough personal time, and then told me she wasn't going to celebrate my b-day just to be even, I would no longer be friends with her. Real friends don't do that, friendships are not about keeping scores so the fact that you told her what you did probably showed her you were not as good of a friend as she thought you were.

 

Sorry...but you were in the wrong here.

 

 

You're entitled to your opinion but you're going out of line with assumptions. I don't care about my birthday. In the past she has cried and complained that no one cares about her when it's her birthday, so I've always gone out of my way to do something for her.

 

Everyone seems to be reading this and thinking I'm mad that she has priorities. That's not the case. I never had an issues that she had family issues to take care of. But an apology and something belated even one month later would've been nice but there was none of that. So I do feel uneven. Friendship is not about keeping score, but at some point you could be doing everything for someone and if they don't give back then that's not friendship. Not referring to my friend and I, but in general.

[mustlovedogs]

You said birthday 5 times in the first paragraph... Obviously, your birthday is important to you

 

I can understand feeling slighted. But friendship is measured by more than how one specific day is handled.

[D123R]

Thanks everyone for the input. I've thought about this a lot, and our friendship is not one sided, we are both there for each other and we have too good of a friendship to ruin over something so small. I think there underlying issues because honestly I've never cared a bit about my birthday in the past.

[D123R]

Actually j.man we are both 12

[LadyRayne]

If birthdays don't mean too much to you why are you upset? I don't think keeping score is a sign of a good friendship. Is she there for you in other times in your life where you need support and friendship? If so I think you are overreacting. If she's not there for you maybe you should reevaluate the friendship... Perhaps you are putting in too much effort with her? On the other hand did you take her to PR in the expectation that she would do something similar for you? Also not a good sign in friendship.. Expectations breed disappointment. And lastly what was the family emergency if it was serious I dare say she was probably distracted and if so that probably isn't going to disappear the day after she returned.

[Snny]

If I had someone die in my family or was in the hospital for a life threatening issue, partying would be the last thing on my mind, especially when I am grieving.

 

Sorry, have to side with your friend on this one too.

[melancholy123]

You are 12? That explains a lot. Yes you are being petty and definitely need to let this go and get over it. It's been 8 months and you are still upset about it. Let it go.

[LadyRayne]

Are 12 year olds even allowed to register here 😕

[Snny]

Are 12 year olds even allowed to register here 😕

There have been children accessing and posting on this forum. This community is open to anyone. Keep this in mind whenever you post on a public forum.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.