my girlfriend loves her best friend

[KV8861]

Then if she never has, you should have left so that she could have him. He's more important to her then you if she chooses being with a man she is attracted to and who is encouraging her to act on that attraction. He's dazzling her with his science... just like he did when she liked him before but he didn't like her that way.

 

Trust has nothing to do with the laws of attraction. Hence why we as committed couples need those boundaries I talk about often which includes no spending one on one time with opposite sex friends when you're in a relationship with someone else.

 

Well... Her and I definitely have something to talk about tonight. I'll tell her that she can have her relationship with him, but I'm not going to be here if she decides not to adhere to the fundamental boundaries of a committed relationship. I'll tell her that I don't like them being alone together because doing so is just promoting this whole s*** storm of a love triangle that I refuse to partake in. She egging his emotions on by allowing this alone time while also making her feelings toward him worse. I guess I just let it get to far because my mentality was that he's leaving anyway. Going to a college upstate several hours away from where we live, hence one of the reasons my girlfriend tell me as to why they are spending so much time together. I dunno, man. This s*** is crazy.

[Clinton]

Id tell her its him or you. Just that simple. But be prepared she might choose him.

[KV8861]

I might be in the minority here, but I think her telling you about it was the most mature and respectful thing she could have done. I worked at a popular bar for many years and saw a lot of affairs happen, and it was always the same thing: people beginning to bond with a coworker, then begin share the things with them that they'd have usually shared with their significant other. The more they share with coworker, the less they share at home, the growing apart begins, and then comes cheating. She told you before it was too late in my view, so she clearly doesn't want anything to happen and still sees you as her partner. I wouldn't do anything that might "punish" her for being forthright, and make her not feel safe to in the future. As for her, the right decision is crystal clear. She needs to cut this guy out of her life completely. You can't "make" her, but you can help her to see this from your (and most anyone objective's) perspective.

 

And that's my view on the situation. I'm glad she told me before it got worse. She was extremely honest about it and I respect that. She says she wants to be with me, that she can't lose me, but she needs to realize in order to do that, she can't keep seeing this guy. I won't go through all this emotional turmoil if she's not actually willing to fix it.

[ThatwasThen]

I might be in the minority here, but I think her telling you about it was the most mature and respectful thing she could have done. I worked at a popular bar for many years and saw a lot of affairs happen, and it was always the same thing: people beginning to bond with a coworker, then begin share the things with them that they'd have usually shared with their significant other. The more they share with coworker, the less they share at home, the growing apart begins, and then comes cheating. She told you before it was too late in my view, so she clearly doesn't want anything to happen and still sees you as her partner. I wouldn't do anything that might "punish" her for being forthright, and make her not feel safe to in the future. As for her, the right decision is crystal clear. She needs to cut this guy out of her life completely. You can't "make" her, but you can help her to see this from your (and most anyone objective's) perspective.

I agree with most of that ^^^ Just not the fact that it was mature to confess "growing" feelings. Instead of doing that and now causing this uncertainty, she should have kept that fact to herself and just done the mature and respectful thing of distancing herself from the so called friend and refocusing all her emotional energy on her partner. Even gone onto find some hobbies that would introduce her to some same sex friends that she could spend her one on one time with.

 

She could have handled this on her own if she had some common sense and a good set of personal boundaries in place.

 

Stuff happens when you enable it. You break free of it when you take action to do so. I think that applies to both the Op and her.

[ControlDenied]

I would say that if you 2 are going to stay togheter and if your relationship is serious. She must break all contact with him.

 

I had to do this with my wife... When she started talking to an ex. I took extreme measures; only when you show you are serious she will take you seriously.

[KV8861]

I agree with most of that ^^^ Just not the fact that it was mature to confess "growing" feelings. Instead of doing that and now causing this uncertainty, she should have kept that fact to herself and just done the mature and respectful thing of distancing herself from the so called friend and refocusing all her emotional energy on her partner. Even gone onto find some hobbies that would introduce her to some same sex friends that she could spend her one on one time with.

 

She could have handled this on her own if she had some common sense and a good set of personal boundaries in place.

 

Stuff happens when you enable it. You break free of it when you take action to do so. I think that applies to both the Op and her.

 

Exactly my feelings. Any ideas of how I should approach this tonight. I've got work tonight, so there's definitely a lot of time to think about it. I'm just not sure how to approach it without sounding too abrasive. I don't want to give her an ultimatum because I don't think that's what a relationship should boil down to, but at this point, it almost seems necessary.

[KV8861]

I would say that if you 2 are going to stay togheter and if your relationship is serious. She must break all contact with him.

 

I had to do this with my wife... When she started talking to an ex. I took extreme measures; only when you show you are serious she will take you seriously.

 

I hope you're right. I love her very much, but I've been in previous relationships where my partner has just downright cheated and I refuse to object myself to that again.

[Wiseman2]

She says she wants to be with me, that she can't lose me, but she needs to realize in order to do that, she can't keep seeing this guy. I won't go through all this emotional turmoil if she's not actually willing to fix it.

 

[video=youtube;TOrnUquxtwA]

[KV8861]

Best reply to a relationship feed, by far. ^^^ 😂

[ThatwasThen]

Exactly my feelings. Any ideas of how I should approach this tonight. I've got work tonight, so there's definitely a lot of time to think about it. I'm just not sure how to approach it without sounding too abrasive. I don't want to give her an ultimatum because I don't think that's what a relationship should boil down to, but at this point, it almost seems necessary.

I'd start by telling her: "Its up to you what you decide to do because its not my place to tell you what to do but I will tell you that it's totally against my own relationship boundary to spend one on one time with someone that has romantic attraction for me and with whom I'm starting to reciprocate and so I can't possibly stay in a relationship where my partner is allowing that very thing." And then tell her that you have some thinking to do about all this as well.

 

If she values you and the relationship then she will ask you what you think she should do to make the relationship right again... then you can educate her. If she's outright stupid or she actually does not value you, then she will balk at ending the friendship in which case you can try a compromise wherein she promises to never have one on one time with him again and instead only spends time with him when you can be there too. If that's balked at, well then you have a clear answer to who is the most important to her and you can end it knowing you've done the right thing. Another boundary that she should put in place to keep her on the right track with you is to stop any online interaction because doing that with him while he is away will just fuel her emotional response to him. Hopefully she's smart enough to understand that.

 

Encourage her to make new friends through group involvement and hobbies so that she isn't pining away for the interaction with him.

 

Don't get keep yourself involved with someone, once again, that is cheating and won't understand the importance of relationship boundaries.... emotional cheating is STILL just as much (some thing more) of a betrayal as physical cheating is.

 

Good luck.. let us know how it goes... figure out what you want and then ask for it... you can use your own words. "Ask for it" is the key rather then "demand it."

[ControlDenied]

I hope you're right. I love her very much, but I've been in previous relationships where my partner has just downright cheated and I refuse to object myself to that again.

 

By extreme measures I mean:

 

- She had to write a 'no contact letter' to him give it to me to approve, she sings, you deliver it. (I can share with you privately)

- I spoke to the guy and told him if he cares for her never talk to her again, if he wants to know how she is doing to talk to me.

- she was forced to change her cell phone number.

- she erased him from all social media

- only after all above is done we can start 'healing'

 

Granted this was my wife, but only doing this show this 3rd person is erased from your relationship. You can not have a relationship unless you erase this ghost.

[DancingFool]

I would tell her straight up that her behavior, specifically failure to set appropriate boundaries with her friend and allowing for things to get to the point where she now has feelings for him, has caused severe damage to this relationship and has put into question your future together. Then ask her if she actually wants to stay in this relationship and if so, ask her how she plans to remedy the situation.

 

I would keep it that brief and direct. It's not an ultimatum as such and it does put the responsibility to create proper boundaries where it belongs - on her. Now if she comes up with a plan on how to fix things between the two of you, then you need to go straight to step two and discuss proper boundaries with opposite sex friendships. If you two can't agree on them, your relationship is doomed anyway and I'd find some self respect and dump her at that point.

 

There is nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends, however in your gf's case, they aren't really friends now are they? I rather suspect that she enjoys the attention the drama it stirs up. Why would you stoop to putting up with it.

 

As for the ultimatum....is it really wrong or are you just deep down afraid she'll choose him? Think on that. If you know deep down that he matters more, again find your self respect and just politely tell her to take a hike and lose your contact info.

[KV8861]

I'd start by telling her: "Its up to you what you decide to do because its not my place to tell you what to do but I will tell you that it's totally against my own relationship boundary to spend one on one time with someone that has romantic attraction for me and with whom I'm starting to reciprocate and so I can't possibly stay in a relationship where my partner is allowing that very thing." And then tell her that you have some thinking to do about all this as well.

 

If she values you and the relationship then she will ask you what you think she should do to make the relationship right again... then you can educate her. If she's outright stupid or she actually does not value you, then she will balk at ending the friendship in which case you can try a compromise wherein she promises to never have one on one time with him again and instead only spends time with him when you can be there too. If that's balked at, well then you have a clear answer to who is the most important to her and you can end it knowing you've done the right thing. Another boundary that she should put in place to keep her on the right track with you is to stop any online interaction because doing that with him while he is away will just fuel her emotional response to him. Hopefully she's smart enough to understand that.

 

Encourage her to make new friends through group involvement and hobbies so that she isn't pining away for the interaction with him.

 

Don't get yourself involved with someone once again that is cheating... emotional cheating is STILL just as much (some thing more) of a betrayal as physical cheating is.

 

Good luck.. let us know how it goes... figure out what you want and then ask for it... you can use your own words. "Ask for it" is the key rather then "demand it."

 

 

Thank you, man. I appreciate all the feedback everyone has given me. I'll give you guys an update in the morning of how it goes.

[Gary Snyder]

Okay, at the least, this is too serious. She is emotionally cheating on you with the friend. You have to start setting boundaries.

 

1) She can not spend time with him alone, hangout with him one-on-one, in a situation which looks like a date.

 

Do not make this an ultimatum...... have a calm conversation with her, be kind and supportive, and suggest the idea - and give her a few days to mull it over. It's best if she makes it her own idea to adopt this rule. You could say, "In this situation, I think this is what I would do.......", or, "I have an idea......" Put it to her gently. You don't want to act controlling, that could backfire.

 

If she won't do that, then we may have to go to plan "B", .........let me know what she says.

[KV8861]

I would tell her straight up that her behavior, specifically failure to set appropriate boundaries with her friend and allowing for things to get to the point where she now has feelings for him, has caused severe damage to this relationship and has put into question your future together. Then ask her if she actually wants to stay in this relationship and if so, ask her how she plans to remedy the situation.

 

I would keep it that brief and direct. It's not an ultimatum as such and it does put the responsibility to create proper boundaries where it belongs - on her. Now if she comes up with a plan on how to fix things between the two of you, then you need to go straight to step two and discuss proper boundaries with opposite sex friendships. If you two can't agree on them, your relationship is doomed anyway and I'd find some self respect and dump her at that point.

 

There is nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends, however in your gf's case, they aren't really friends now are they? I rather suspect that she enjoys the attention the drama it stirs up. Why would you stoop to putting up with it.

 

As for the ultimatum....is it really wrong or are you just deep down afraid she'll choose him? Think on that. If you know deep down that he matters more, again find your self respect and just politely tell her to take a hike and lose your contact info.

 

Thank you for your feedback. Like I said her and I definitely have some talking to do tonight and I'll let you guys know how it goes in the morning. I really appreciate all your guys help. I usually don't do the whole forum thing, especially when it comes to relationship issues, but everyone has been more than helpful and I really appreciate it.

[DancingFool]

Thank you for your feedback. Like I said her and I definitely have some talking to do tonight and I'll let you guys know how it goes in the morning. I really appreciate all your guys help. I usually don't do the whole forum thing, especially when it comes to relationship issues, but everyone has been more than helpful and I really appreciate it.

 

Wish you luck and hope it works out for you. Also, be ready for water works and her going off on tangents and trying to gas light you. Don't fall for any of that and try to keep calm, cool, collected, and on topic no matter what. Do not jump into comforting her just because she starts crying or starting providing solutions if she has none. Remember that your goal is to find out what she is going to do to fix the problem and tears aren't fixing anything. Leave the ball firmly in her court on this. Even if she has to take time to collect herself and finish the conversation the next day, that's actually fine. Don't back away from her needing to come up with solid answers and a plan. If she comes up with nothing tonight or tomorrow, put on your walking shoes and walk away. You don't want to be #2 she settled for kind of sort of because #1 is messing with her.

[KV8861]

Wish you luck and hope it works out for you. Also, be ready for water works and her going off on tangents and trying to gas light you. Don't fall for any of that and try to keep calm, cool, collected, and on topic no matter what. Do not jump into comforting her just because she starts crying or starting providing solutions if she has none. Remember that your goal is to find out what she is going to do to fix the problem and tears aren't fixing anything. Leave the ball firmly in her court on this. Even if she has to take time to collect herself and finish the conversation the next day, that's actually fine. Don't back away from her needing to come up with solid answers and a plan. If she comes up with nothing tonight or tomorrow, put on your walking shoes and walk away. You don't want to be #2 she settled for kind of sort of because #1 is messing with her.

 

I'll definitely keep that in mind. Thank you.

[Gary Snyder]

By the way, how old are you two?

 

I should also give you the possible bad news. There are no guarantees. Some women are cheaters who can't say "no" to other men. Those women are not good catches.

[Chon]

She has admitted her rising feelings for him, but tells me she's done nothing to pursue him. She's admitted to the butterflies in her stomach, feeling certain things around him, ext. He, on the other hand, pursues her in a more physical way. Putting his arm around her or doing things that make her a little uncomfortable. Once she tells him to stop, he will and that'll be that. But the fact that he can't respect her boundaries enough to keep away is what makes me furious.

 

She choose to spend time with him knowing that she was starting to crush on him.

 

People always have a choice.

[Wolfshook]

After reading a bit more on this, I think that if she didnt like catching feelings she would spend less time with him once she realized it. It kind of seems like she enjoys all this stupid drama and is exploring things while she has her safety net (you).

 

What I'd want to do is to ask her openly about what is going on and then listen. If she doesnt have a plan for it or she doesnt plan to minimalize her spending time with him (I wouldnt sugest that,it's on her to decide),then I'd make it a whole lot easier for her by leaving her. If she cant prove that she wants to work on things with you then whats the point? Even if nothing happens with this guy as he moves away, she will most likely do similair thing with somebody else that gets in her life and she simply could not be trusted.