Should I stand by my gf if she wants me to loose a friend?

[saluk]

First, you have nothing to apologize to the friend about.

 

About getting advice from a woman - it is common for a guy to talk bad about his gf to another girl to line her up for the next relationship when the first one fails. Or for the other woman to get that idea and wonder about how to break them up so she can get access to him. I'm pretty sure this ISN'T what is going on here, but it fits the profile close enough to be a little inappropriate. It's like when you go out with a female coworker for drinks after a long day at work. It may have only been work related but could ring some alarm bells.

 

About your gf - you didn't make her look bad to your friends. They don't have a bad impression of her because you misrepresented her. You are having enough trouble with her that you have turned to as many people as you can turn to to get advice. It sounds like almost everyone has given the same advice. The way she's handled this situation alone is already over the line. Instead of working on those issues she is fighting you for even more control.

[Tanzi]

Okay thanks. I have already apologized to her for talking to my friends about it.

 

Now as for her wanting me to apologize to my woman friend, does anyone else think I should Blue68 suggested?

 

Then that should have satisfied her. What does she expect you to say to your friend? You friend does not need apologising too. There's no sense in that as you didn't behave in any untoward way. Your gf just wants you to lie about her to cover up the fact that she is indeed a manipulative control freak which will totally backfire on you both. Just the mere fact that you keep churning this over suggests that this girl has a ridiculous hold over you. Your friend can see this. Apologising to her with some c*ck and ball story isn't going to change anything. It will only exacerbate her ill feeling towards your gf. This needs to be dropped.

[thelegend2014]

Never show her your phone. It's yours and ur friends are your friends, they don't have to be hers. She needs to grow up

[ironpony]

I notice you are ignoring the questions about why you're continuing with this relationship despite the huge number of issues you've had with this woman.

 

Why?

 

Sorry for avoiding those questions. Well things are good a lot of the time and I guess I am in love and felt the good parts far outweigh the bad, an no significant other is perfect.

 

As for seeking advice from a woman friend, I just wanted a woman's opinion. It was in no way my intention to have any type of romantic possibilities, with my woman friend. She is a good friend for almost 10 years, nothing more, and one of the group. She even has a bf of her own, so I am pretty sure when she gave her opinion, that she has no feelings towards me in such a way.

 

I talked to my gf and she said that I don't need to apologize to my friend but she wants me to defend her and tell me friend that they need to start liking her and respect who she is, since she is my gf. Do you think it's the bf's job to say that, even if it may cause more problems maybe?

[catfeeder]

I talked to my gf and she said that I don't need to apologize to my friend but she wants me to defend her and tell me friend that they need to start liking her and respect who she is, since she is my gf. Do you think it's the bf's job to say that, even if it may cause more problems maybe?

 

I wouldn't allow GF to micromanage your social life. You've told her you'll stop discussing your problems with your friends. If she intends to police you on that, then your problems with her are far beyond what you're seeing. It's not up to you to force anyone to like her. It can't be done, and you'll just come off as a manipulated fool to all involved.

[greta96]

I talked to my gf and she said that I don't need to apologize to my friend but she wants me to defend her and tell me friend that they need to start liking her and respect who she is, since she is my gf. Do you think it's the bf's job to say that, even if it may cause more problems maybe?

 

Had she not exhibited so many red flags and made herself insufferable to your friends, they would have liked her. You can't tell your friends to like someone, if they do they do and if they don't they don't. It's just not a matter of asking, they are entitled to their feelings and nothing you tell them will change the way they feel about your girlfriend. The mere fact that she came up with this idea shows how out of touch with reality she is and how controlling. As a friend, it is sad, annoying and frustrating to see someone get their life sucked out of by their partner just because they are too weak and blind to do anything about it, so you need to give yourself a gool ole' shake and see where they are coming from.

 

Blue gave you great advice. Do not talk to your friends about any of this, at least not the way she is making you to, or they'll just give up on you and won't want to have anything further to do with you. The bottom line here is that she is afraid of your friends because she knows they are on to her and she knows they could potentially open your eyes to the truth. This is why she doesn't want you asking them for advice, it's not because of privacy reasons, she just doesn't want anyone to give you a reality check and have you see the truth about who she is and what she does.

 

You are just too soft for your own good. The perfect victim for women like her, to boss around and manipulate. Nothing you hear on this forum seems to sink in, so I'm not sure what else anyone can tell you here and how to word it, to get through to you.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks for all the advice. I will go over it and digest it. There is one thing that bothers me though. My gf also tried to get my friend to like her the nice way. She asked my friend to hang out and go for drinks one night. But my gf said that my friend said no, thanks. I can ask my friend about this to confirm if she did say that. But if that is what happened, was did my friend make a wrong move or did not accept my gf? I know my friend tells me that my gf has been manipulating about the prenup discussion and other related things to that, but is my friend being a bit rude possibly, by not even going out to drinks with her, since she is still my gf and all? My gf said she tried to to be nice to my friend, before having ill feelings towards her, for being judged and rejected. So what do you think?

[notalady]

Your friend is under no obligation to be your gf's friend or to hang out with her alone just because she's your gf. That's insane. Your friends would be polite to accept whoever you choose as your partner and hang out with you together in a group setting, it would be rude for them to include you but exclude your partner if you wished to bring her, but they are in no way, shape, or form, being rude by saying no thanks to hanging out alone, even if they don't dislike her. There is no need for them to be best buddies. They have a right to choose who they want to be friends with!

 

Honestly, you seem clueless about social concepts and your gf is indeed manipulative to make you think that just because your friend didn't want to be best buddies with her, she's being rude. Your gf is the rude one.

[catfeeder]

Okay thanks for all the advice. I will go over it and digest it. There is one thing that bothers me though. My gf also tried to get my friend to like her the nice way. She asked my friend to hang out and go for drinks one night. But my gf said that my friend said no, thanks. I can ask my friend about this to confirm if she did say that. But if that is what happened, was did my friend make a wrong move or did not accept my gf? I know my friend tells me that my gf has been manipulating about the prenup discussion and other related things to that, but is my friend being a bit rude possibly, by not even going out to drinks with her, since she is still my gf and all? My gf said she tried to to be nice to my friend, before having ill feelings towards her, for being judged and rejected. So what do you think?

 

Our friends are not obligated to like or approve of our choices in a lover. And out lovers don't need to like our friends, either. You're positioning yourself badly between the two--it's up to them to decide where they want to stand with one another. Given your GF's overbearing tendencies, is it really any wonder why nobody likes her? In fact, it would lead me to question what, exactly, I like about her myself.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like the friend is the manipulative one and trying to drive a wedge between you and the gf.

I know my friend tells me that my gf has been manipulating about the prenup discussion and other related things to that, but is my friend being a bit rude possibly, by not even going out to drinks with her, since she is still my gf and all?

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well I don't know what to think now. Is it the gf who is being manipulative or my friend? I am so confused now if this is the case!

[IAmFCA]

ironpony, that rudderless feeling you have is exactly the feeling appropriate for the situation. Other people are in the habit of thinking they can steer your ship.

 

If you want to live the life YOU choose, you will need to do what YOU think is right, and om a kindly expect others to accept you as you are.

 

If you are comfortable living a life that pleases your SO and / or your closest friends, then continue on this path. You are doing fine. At times like this, when your friend might be trying to work against a relationship of your choosing, deal with it directly. If it comes from a good place, thank your friend for caring and request that your friend respect your choice. The same can be used for your gf. First, it is necessary that you make choices with intention, and that you value your choices enough to stand by them, even when it is disagreeable to others. A phrase I have used is, "I understand others might make a different choice, but this is the choice that feels right for me so it is what I need to do."

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. But I would like others opinions on what the situation is before I make a decision. Is my gf the one who has the red flags, like other people are saying, or is my friend trying to drive a wedge between us like Wiseman2 said?

[saluk]

Okay thanks. But I would like others opinions on what the situation is before I make a decision. Is my gf the one who has the red flags, like other people are saying, or is my friend trying to drive a wedge between us like Wiseman2 said?

 

We come back to what you said in the beginning of your post. This whole problem started because YOU told your friends about your relationship problems. When people care about you, and you tell them a bunch of negative things about your gf, they are going to tell you she's terrible. You've given them permission to weigh in on things. And if you are complaining a lot, chances are their opinion of your gf is going to be low.

 

If your friend IS driving a wedge between you, you gave him the wedge.

 

First, you need to leave your friends out of it, and really determine if she is treating you right. If she's who you want to spend your life with. From what you've said in this thread, my impression is no. If she were right for you, you wouldn't have to get other people's opinions on if she is right for you! But, if you stop letting her run you over, maybe she'll stop running you over. Tell her that you are sorry that you said too much to the friend and you'll stop, but that he's your friend and she doesn't have a right to tell you who to be friends with. Stick up for yourself and don't be so afraid to lose her if you displease her. Show some backbone.

 

After that you can deal with the friend. Mainly by keeping talk about your relationship lighter and not airing so much dirty laundry from now on.

[Tanzi]

I talked to my gf and she said that I don't need to apologize to my friend but she wants me to defend her and tell me friend that they need to start liking her and respect who she is, since she is my gf. Do you think it's the bf's job to say that, even if it may cause more problems maybe?

 

You only need to defend your gf if your friends' comments are unwarranted, unnecessary or just plain nasty. Seeing as you were trying to get their opinions/advice on something you approached them about you have no need to defend her at this moment in time. Besides, if she behaves in a respectful manner then she won't need defending anyway!

 

Neither you nor your gf seem to be able to see this (well, she sounds too self-centered to care to be honest) but she is STILL being manipulative. Firstly, she is still telling you what you need to say and, secondly, she is (indirectly) telling your friends what they must feel about her. It doesn't work like that I'm afraid. They will make up their own minds ... based on her behaviour. If she wants them to like her then maybe she needs to start being a nicer person. Obvious really.

 

Your job is to be a good boyfriend. Your job is also to be a good friend. That is all. That being said, never let ANYONE walk all over you .... whether that be friends or girlfriends. It is not your job to have to act as referee between friends and girlfriends. If they are putting you in an awkward position to do so then, whoever it is, is not being a good friend or a good girlfriend..... in this case, girlfriend.

 

My gf also tried to get my friend to like her the nice way. She asked my friend to hang out and go for drinks one night. But my gf said that my friend said no, thanks. I can ask my friend about this to confirm if she did say that. But if that is what happened, was did my friend make a wrong move or did not accept my gf? I know my friend tells me that my gf has been manipulating about the prenup discussion and other related things to that, but is my friend being a bit rude possibly, by not even going out to drinks with her, since she is still my gf and all? My gf said she tried to to be nice to my friend, before having ill feelings towards her, for being judged and rejected. So what do you think?

 

Your girlfriend needs to stop trying to control others. Just because your girlfriend asked your friend to go out for drinks, it doesn't mean your friend had to make herself available upon your girlfriend's request. Maybe she had other plans. Maybe she isn't comfortable with the idea. Just because someone can't follow through on what someone else wants them to do, it doesn't automatically make them rude. Your gf is also trying to manipulate how you see/feel about your friends. Unfortunately, it seems to be working.

 

So what do I think? Well,in summary, I think your girlfriend is manipulative and controlling and your friends can see this. She is continuing to make things worse by trying to control the outcome of this situation when the best thing to do would have been to have let it go. Now, through you, she is trying to control your friends feelings too. You can't make someone like you. If you are not a genuine person then other's will be able to see straight through that. If she is giving you a hard time, your friends will see that. It's not hard to be liked. In fact most of us are. We will only be disliked if we are not likable and what makes us likable is how we treat and show respect to others. It sounds as though your gf was only judged on her own poor behaviour. If she wants to correct that then she needs to grow up and start behaving more maturely. Above all else, she needs to strop trying to control the outcome of this latest fall out right now because she is continuing to twist and turn this into something it needn't be, thus making it much harder to come back from!

[Tanzi]

Is my gf the one who has the red flags,

 

Yes, yes, bloody yes!!!!!

 

It doesn't sound as though your friend has done much wrong other than to give you her opinion on something: (1) you approached her about; (2) you wanted opinions on; and (3) what she has witnessed for herself.

[IAmFCA]

Okay thanks. But I would like others opinions on what the situation is before I make a decision. Is my gf the one who has the red flags, like other people are saying, or is my friend trying to drive a wedge between us like Wiseman2 said?

 

Both, perhaps.

 

Their motivations don't matter.

 

What feels right, to you?

[ironpony]

Well so far my friend has had only one negative thing to say about my gf. When I asked her for her opinion on the prenup situation that is only time, she gave a negative opinion of my gf, when I asked for her honest opinion. Other than she has had nothing bad to say about her. My gf says that my friend is being fake towards her, and she can tell, such as when she turned her down for drinks, although the friend wasn't rude about it or anything from what I know.

 

My gf, for the past couple of weeks, has complained about my friend and about how I should defend her to my friend and how I should apologize for giving my friend a bad impression of her.

 

My gf says that if I do not defend her to my friend that she will call up my friend herself, and defend herself for me, therefore.

 

My instincts tell me that maybe my gf is the one with the problem and not my friend. However, I feel that history is repeating itself. About six years ago, I had a different gf, who also had a problem with the same friend. She said that my friend was after me and wanted me for herself. But I felt my gf at the time, had jealousy issues, and my friend never showed any signs of it. My friend also had her own by at the time and was smitten with him. Not that I cared, since we are both not interested in each other, other than good friends. She is like a sister to me in our group of friends.

 

However, my gf from six hears ago, antagonized my gf so bad about it, that my friend got furious and told me about it. At least this is what my friend said, by my gf from back then, denied it.

 

So I believed my friend and broke up with her. My current gf today, said that I let my friend fool me back then, and it was my ex who was most likely right. Because of this, history repeating itself, a part of me feels my instincts may be unsure.

[ironpony]

Well I have been doing some thinking about what to do. I was thinking that I will tell my gf that I will not apologize to my friends or defend her to them, for the reasons that would said on here, that it would end up driving my friend away most likely. I will also tell my gf that if she intervenes and calls up my friend herself to defend herself, that I will break up with her, if she does.

 

Is that too unfair or harsh of me, given the situation?

[Wiseman2]

The friend, your gf has no motives.

Okay thanks. Well I don't know what to think now. Is it the gf who is being manipulative or my friend? I am so confused now if this is the case!

[Wiseman2]

The recurrent theme is the friend.

About six years ago, I had a different gf, who also had a problem with the same friend. She said that my friend was after me and wanted me for herself.

[ironpony]

Okay so now it's the friend now? Why is it the friend, since the only thing the friend did was give an opinion when I asked for it. Other than that, what has she done to be the bad one, when my gf is the one how is threatening to defend herself to my friend and antagonize make me look like a fool to my group of friends in the process?

[boltnrun]

I disagree that the friend is the problem.

 

Your girlfriend has shown so many bad behaviors (judging by your previous posts) that I would have (and have) recommended you end this relationship long ago.

[Wiseman2]

I disagree with your gf about any apology/explanation, but this friend seems to be interfering in your relationships repeatedly.

 

Also you seem to keep her around as a guard dog protecting you from real relationships/intimacy, because she is second guessing all your gfs and you seem more attached to her than your gfs, who for some reason never become your confidants or best friends and come and go.

About six years ago, I had a different gf, who also had a problem with the same friend. She said that my friend was after me and wanted me for herself.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. But how is she interfering exactly? All I did was ask for her opinion, she gave it, and my gf is the one who looked at the text message, and that was it. How is that intefering on her part. She didn't intentionally do any interfering besides give one opinion that I asked for. Is that really interfering, if she has said nothing else bad about my gf, and has not brought up the subject herself ever? She hasn't even brought up anything herself or even talked to my gf on her own, so how exactly is she interfering?

 

I also do not understand how she is second guessing my gf since all she did was give an opinion I asked for, but hasn't brought up anything herself ever. How am I more attracted to her than my gf? What have I done to show this? Can you give specifics?