Should I stand by my gf if she wants me to loose a friend?

[ironpony]

No I don't enjoy it. Not at all. I am just trying to fix the problem. To answer the question about whether or not I am afraid of my, I am afraid of the problem getting worse, and I want to fix it. I feel if I allow her to talk to my friend, that could possibly make it worse.

 

I am have been thinking about whether or not my friend is a frenemy. I think that maybe the reason why this scenario is similar to one, with an ex and the same friend in the past, is because maybe my current gf, having me telling her before about the incident in the past, decided to recreate it, based on what I told her before. Maybe my gf did this intentionally, knowing she could use the past incident as a comparison to make me feel guilty about having this friend. But that is just a possibility and I could be wrong maybe.

 

The friend though, has never mentioned any problems she had with my gf, and only said anything negative about her, just once, when I asked for her opinion. Yet the gf is complaining about my friend every day almost. So since my gf is the complainer, in the situation, I feel that maybe she is the most likely one with the problem, and not my friend. But maybe I am wrong there also.

 

As for whether or not it is still on ongoing issue with my gf, or whether or not I am trying to hash things out for myself, I would say that I am just trying to do the right thing, and not want to make any mistakes, and be sure of what is what, before I make any decisions.

 

I mean I have told by side of the story, but every story has two sides, and what if mine is wrong?

[boltnrun]

So, so far you've done nothing?

[Tanzi]

For goodness sake, ironpiny, end this nonsense now and stop thinking too deeply about it. You haven't got anywhere! If this is still an ongoing issue just follow what your heart is telling you. You've said enough times on here that you feel your gf is the one with the problem and not your friend so go with that. It really isn't that complicated so stop complicating things by playing devils advocate with yourself

 

In other words tell your gf to shut the hell up and move on!!!

[Wiseman2]

Read Othello or the CliffsNotes. Othello's trusted friend and adviser Iago who is secretly envious, convinces Othello that his adoring wife is cheating on him. In the end Othello confronts Desdemona and then strangles her to death in their bed. He then realizes he was set up by Iago and commits suicide. Frenemies are nothing new.

 

I think you should break up. You trust your 'friend' more than your gfs. This plot you outlined as your gfs evil twist on your 'innocent friend' is proof of your blindness.

I think that maybe the reason why this scenario is similar to one, with an ex and the same friend in the past, is because maybe my current gf, having me telling her before about the incident in the past, decided to recreate it, based on what I told her before. Maybe my gf did this intentionally, knowing she could use the past incident as a comparison to make me feel guilty about having this friend.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks for the suggestion. But proof of my blindness? Everyone else on this thread it seems has agreed that my gf is the problem, so what is my friend doing exactly? Where are you getting this from?

 

My friend only made one opinion when I asked for it, where as my gf is now saying to cut her off, just cause she gave an opinion I asked for. What has my friend done to be a frenemy?

 

But if my friend were to be the one controlling this whole situation and it was all her idea, than how come she hasn't done anything else? If my friend wants my gf out of the picture, why hasn't she done anything than give an opinion that I asked for, and has not said anything else otherwise? I ask for an opinion, and she gave it, and did not say anything else. That is hardly frenemy behavior in my opinion, but maybe I am wrong?

 

Back then, when that situation between my ex and my friend happened, where my ex antagonized my friend in front of her co-workers... back then I went on a website on relationship issues, similar to this one, and I asked users for their opinion on the situation, and who was in the wrong. All the users back then said that my ex was the problem and not my friend. So back then people thought that the friend was not in the wrong, so I went with other people's opinions back then as well.

[ironpony]

You said the plot I outlined is proof though. Now I am really worried. What proof am I not seeing?

[Tanzi]

Wiseman and I are obviously seeing/reading things differently. There's nothing wrong with that as it means you are getting advice that covers all possibilities/eventualities but only you know which one is more appropriate to your situation as you are the one living it. All we have is what you are putting down in black and white and either one of us could be interpreting it wrongly.

 

I have taken what you have said in this thread at face value - I don't always do that but that is what I have nevertheless done here. So, from what YOU say, you went to your friends for advice on your relationship and they gave you their honest opinions based on what they see. They see her as somewhat manipulative and controlling. Aside from that they don't get involved in your relationship and have never said anything else. Unfortunately, however, your gf has become fixated on one friend's opinions in particular most likely because she is female and she sees her as a threat. My advice was based on that.

 

However, Wiseman is looking at this from a different perspective and is reading between the lines (ie. the bits you may have left out or are refusing to see yourself). Could it be that there is more to your friendship with this female friend than you claim? Is that what your gf is seeing? Does she get more involved in your relationships than you have let on here? Does she have a huge influence over you?

 

ironpony, you have been given different thoughts/opinions/advice from people who have approached your thread from different angles. Only you know which one is more appropriate to your situation. If you feel either one is wrong then you don't confuse matters by trying to decipher it or turn in into a debate! You have to remember, we are just strangers reading stuff on the internet.

 

Only YOU know the real situation. We don't. We either have to take what you say as a given or read between the lines. Now is the time to stop expecting us to know EXACTLY what is going and start looking for yourself because you are making a bloody gigantic mountain out of a molehill here.

[Tanzi]

Back then, when that situation between my ex and my friend happened, where my ex antagonized my friend in front of her co-workers... back then I went on a website on relationship issues, similar to this one, and I asked users for their opinion on the situation, and who was in the wrong. All the users back then said that my ex was the problem and not my friend. So back then people thought that the friend was not in the wrong, so I went with other people's opinions back then as well.

 

You said the plot I outlined is proof though. Now I am really worried. What proof am I not seeing?

 

This issue here is no longer your gf. It is no longer your friend. It is YOU.

[Wiseman2]

You seem to need a lot of popular consensus in order to define your truths. Almost like you present the story in your words then take a vote on who's right/wrong in that story.

 

You of course are the protagonist and it's just voting on which of the women fighting over you are wrong.

 

The issue is you consistently defend the friend. The question is why aren't you with her?

Everyone else on this thread it seems has agreed that my gf is the problem, so what is my friend doing exactly? All the users back then said that my ex was the problem and not my friend. So back then people thought that the friend was not in the wrong, so I went with other people's opinions back then as well.

[ironpony]

Oh I don't mean to make it sound like I am defending my friend. I am just comparing my friend's actions to my gfs. I said was my friend hasn't done anything to get in the way. I didn't mean that as a defense, but a comparison.

 

As to why I am not with the friend, do you mean romantically? Well I just like her as a friend only, and have no interest in anything more, as nor does she.

[Wiseman2]

And the friend wins out again?

I am just comparing my friend's actions to my gfs. I said was my friend hasn't done anything to get in the way.

[boltnrun]

I hope, since it's been about 3 weeks since you first posted this question, that you've finally done something about it.

 

I'm curious if your girlfriend is still threatening to confront your friend.

[ironpony]

She says she will only do it, if she catches my friend says something else negative about her. But my friend would not say that I don't think, unless I asked her for her opinion again, which I won't of course. I told her that she is my friend and I can have her in my life as a friend if I choose. She said that she will try to be okay with that and try to stop being a spoiled brat, in her own words. She said she wants to try and improve herself and not have a jealousy or trust problem.

[Tanzi]

She says she will only do it, if she catches my friend says something else negative about her. But my friend would not say that I don't think, unless I asked her for her opinion again, which I won't of course. I told her that she is my friend and I can have her in my life as a friend if I choose. She said that she will try to be okay with that and try to stop being a spoiled brat, in her own words. She said she wants to try and improve herself and not have a jealousy or trust problem.

 

Well, you couldn't have asked for a better outcome than that!

[boltnrun]

So now you know you can put your foot down and she won't leave you.

 

Seriously, you need to do this more often instead of tiptoeing around her hoping she doesn't get mad at you.

 

She's not going to get off the money train. If it comes down to her backing down or losing the money train, I guarantee she'll back down.

 

So, start letting her know when her behavior is unacceptable! Bonus is she'll respect you more than she will if you act like a doormat, always eager to please.

[ironpony]

Well if she is still about a money train then I guess that's not good. I would like to her to see me more than a money train if that's what she sees me for.

[boltnrun]

I'm just going by how you've described her.

 

The point I'm trying to make is now you know you don't have to tiptoe around her, afraid she's going to get mad and leave you. She's more likely to respect you if you put your foot down. Acting like a doormat and giving in every time she has a tantrum is a sure way to make her lose any respect she has for you.

[ironpony]

Oh I see. I was thinking that if she keeps bringing up complaints about me having my friend as a friend again, that I will tell her that I am not going to marry her or propose her, until she respects me.

[Tanzi]

Oh I see. I was thinking that if she keeps bringing up complaints about me having my friend as a friend again, that I will tell her that I am not going to marry her or propose her, until she respects me.

 

I don't think either of you are mature enough yet to be thinking of marriage!!!!

[boltnrun]

Oh I see. I was thinking that if she keeps bringing up complaints about me having my friend as a friend again, that I will tell her that I am not going to marry her or propose her, until she respects me.

 

Um, shouldn't that go without saying?

 

WHY would you consider proposing to or marrying someone who you think doesn't respect you?

 

And you can't threaten someone into respecting you.

 

Geez, this relationship sounds so unhealthy!

[ironpony]

Well we were planning on getting married before this whole prenup problem started, that I talked to about with my friend in the first place. But now even though I really love her, I am obviously having second thoughts, cause some people on here were telling me that she was being manipulative.

 

Now if we get married, she says I cannot invite the friend to the wedding. Is that fair, if my friend gave a negative opinion about her?

 

To answer the question that there may be more to this story or more to my friend than I shared, I don't think there is. I will go back through it all and look to make sure I haven't missed anything but I don't think there is.

[Tanzi]

Well we were planning on getting married before this whole prenup problem started, that I talked to about with my friend in the first place. But now even though I really love her, I am obviously having second thoughts, cause some people on here were telling me that she was being manipulative.

 

ironpony, FOR GOODNESS SAKE ..... stop living your life by what some strangers are telling you on the internet!!! Yes, it's good to get advice but you seem not to be able to take your next step without checking how to do on here first!! You need to develop the capacity to SEE things for yourself because only you can see thngs for what they really are.

 

Now if we get married, she says I cannot invite the friend to the wedding. Is that fair, if my friend gave a negative opinion about her?

 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! You've just sorted one issue and now you have another?! How about you decide what is fair or not. What do YOU think, ironpony? You must have an opinion ... and whatever it is you need to stand by it. Personally, I don't think either of you should be contemplating marriage yet. You both sound far too emotionally immature (and that isn't a criticism ... depending on your ages, of course, but you sound quite young). I'd like to think that if you were at the stage of getting married, you were also at the stage where you could make your own decisions and were confident in them and your gf had gone past "guys can't have female friends" stage ... but that clearly isn't the case.

 

To answer the question that there may be more to this story or more to my friend than I shared, I don't think there is. I will go back through it all and look to make sure I haven't missed anything but I don't think there is.

 

No need, that wasn't what I meant. I meant in an emotional sense, ie. that maybe you have or had feelings for this friend that may or may not be blighting your judgement on the whole thing. You don't need to read pages and pages of this thread to know that!

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well I will try to start making my own decisions. In the past I was use to making mistakes with women and my life in general. So I am not use to others telling me to take control of the situation and that my instincts may be right. I am use to being told I am wrong. So it's unusual for me.

 

My gf says that since I am any friend went on a couple of dates when we first met, it's different compared to a guy friend. It's true, me and my friend went on a couple of dates almost 10 years ago. But we weren't suited for each other romantically at all, hence why we became good platonic friends only. She's like a sister to me, and that's all.

 

But I will try to make my own decisions in this matter. I will tell her that if we get married later, my friend comes to the wedding.

[Tanzi]

I am use to being told I am wrong. So it's unusual for me.

 

There will always be "differences" within a relationship ... but it isn't always about being right or wrong. Sometimes it is accepting that someone feels and thinks differently than you and accepting someone else's opinion. Being able to work through your differences together is what makes two people right for each other.

 

My gf says that since I am any friend went on a couple of dates when we first met, it's different compared to a guy friend. It's true, me and my friend went on a couple of dates almost 10 years ago. But we weren't suited for each other romantically at all, hence why we became good platonic friends only. She's like a sister to me, and that's all.

 

I once went on a couple of dates with someone my best friend later married (they are still together some 20 years later in fact). I won't bore you with the details but after I got married we would often all get together. Could you imagine the drama if she had clung on to the fact that I had once dated her husband? Or even if my husband at the time had a problem with it? You just have to learn to let certain things go so you can move on in life. There is no point in clinging to something that is actually irrelevant to NOW.

 

I am the first to admit that I don't do ex-drama but I wouldn't make an issue out of two dates over 10 years ago ... assuming that your friendship with this girl isn't too close for comfort, of course.

 

Mind you, ironpony, it might have been wise to have told us this right from the beginning because it puts a whole new perspective on things. Your gf is simply jealous of your friend because you once dated her. All the drama thereafter and trying to cut this girl out of your life is based on that.

 

But I will try to make my own decisions in this matter. I will tell her that if we get married later, my friend comes to the wedding.

 

Personally, I think that the friend thing should stop being an issue long before you think about marriage. I don't think your gf has the emotional maturity levels to accept your past which, to me, means you are falling very short of being anywhere near ready for marriage. Besides, you aren't getting married yet .... so what on earth is the point of making an issue out of who does or doesn't come to your wedding? It might not ever happen. It's absolutely pointless arguing about it and, once again, just shows the lack of maturity here.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Sorry I didn't mention that about my friend before. I was concentrating too much on the situation now, and not the past back then. How is it that my past means that I am not ready for marriage? What is it about my past? Just the friend?