Should I stand by my gf if she wants me to loose a friend?

[Wiseman2]

It's the general presence and vibe, not this or that incident or gf. And you defend her against your gfs.

She hasn't even brought up anything herself or even talked to my gf on her own, so how exactly is she interfering?

[ironpony]

What about the general presence and vibe though? Can you give specifics, if that's okay?

 

The only reason why I was defending her against my gf is cause the majority opinion on her told me that my gf was the one who was creating the bigger problem, so I was defending my friend, based on that advice.

[ironpony]

I still haven't figured out how my friend is interfering though, since she keeps to herself about my relationship, other than the one time I asked for her opinion. Can you be more specific other than general vibes?

[IAmFCA]

It's past time to stop talking to either woman about the other. Neither offers an objective opinion. If they have a problem in their friendship(?) with each other, let them take it up directly. If they have trouble with how they perceive YOUR behavior with talking about the other, say

 

Yes. I was wrong to talk to either of you about the other. In fact, to talk with either of you about anyone. I'm stopping that, now.

[Tanzi]

I still haven't figured out how my friend is interfering though, since she keeps to herself about my relationship, other than the one time I asked for her opinion. Can you be more specific other than general vibes?

 

Thing is, only you know whether or not she interfered. We are just saying what we are picking up from your post and we may or may not be right.

 

That being said, it doesn't sound to me as though your friend has interfered ..... and you seem pretty adamant she hasn't so, that being the case, there's nothing for you to figure out. To be honest I'm not sure what more we can say to you at this point or why this seems to be confusing you so. Either your friend was out of line or she wasn't. Either you were wrong about your gf and you need to apoloigise on her behalf or you weren't. You know that better than us. We've told you what we think based on what you have told us. We can't really tell you anything more.

 

I think it is pretty clear cut. Your gf is jealous of your female friend. Your female friend doesn't like your gf (which may or may not be justified, though it sounds as though it is) and now your gf has her knickers in a twist and won't let this drop until you do or say exactly what she wants you to do or say. Just say "no" and be done with it.

 

Incidentally, have you spoken to other friends too? I assumed you had at the beginning. If so what are their opinions on your gf/relationship?

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I spoke to another friend about it. My gf didn't care what he had to say cause he was a guy friend, but she holds my female friend's opinion in a much higher regard. Here is what I have decided I maybe should do.

 

I will take the advice, and not apologize to my friend for asking for her opinion. I was told on here before that it would make me look like a fool, and I will tell her that is why. She said before that if I don't defend her to my friend, that she will herself. So if she brings up that she will again, I will tell her that if she calls up my friend to defend herself against her or give a lecture or something of that sort, I will seriously be on the edge of ending the relationship.

 

is this too unfair of to me to put my foot down and have it be this way?

[ironpony]

The other friend that I spoke too was before she found out, when she read the text messages between me and both friends before.

[Wiseman2]

Ultimatums to end relationships in order to protect and take this friends side yet again must be working wonders in your relationships? It this why this friend is a constant and you switch out gfs like underwear?

I will tell her that if she calls up my friend to defend herself against her or give a lecture or something of that sort, I will seriously be on the edge of ending the relationship.

[ironpony]

Well maybe an ultimatum to break up is not a good idea then. How should I handle her not calling up my friend to defend herself, since that's probably not a good idea?

 

Am I really taking sides though? The majority opinion on here has been that the friend has done nothing wrong other than give an opinion that I asked for. So why should I have to choose between sides? Why can' t I keep my friend and my gf? Why does my gf have the right to try to force me into choosing?

 

I am not taking sides against anyone, she wants me to take sides. So if this is the case, what should I do? Why do we have to take sides? Why can't she just accept my apology and move on, without having to antagonize my friend over it in the process?

 

Plus she gave me an ultimatum first. She said that if I do not defend her against my friend, that she will call up my friend and do it herself. That's an ultimatum. So how is me trying to put a stop to her ultimatum, worse?

[catfeeder]

Just stop the gossip and meddling---and be done with it. You can't control what anybody else does. Leave them all to it and let the chips fall. Stay OUT of it.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Aside from asking friends about the prenup issue, which was about two months ago, I haven't said anything since and have kept things between me and my gf. But what should I do about the ultimatum that she has given me?

[Wiseman2]

Don't cave to ultimatums and don't stall with prenup talk either. You two are at the breaking point already because of different financial styles/goals. You don't want to marry her. ever...just say so.

But what should I do about the ultimatum that she has given me?

[catfeeder]

But what should I do about the ultimatum that she has given me?

 

Nothing. Not a word.

[ironpony]

Nothing. Not a word.

 

Okay but should I just let her call my friend and give her a lecture then?

[IAmFCA]

Well maybe an ultimatum to break up is not a good idea then. How should I handle her not calling up my friend to defend herself, since that's probably not a good idea?

 

Am I really taking sides though? The majority opinion on here has been that the friend has done nothing wrong other than give an opinion that I asked for. So why should I have to choose between sides? Why can' t I keep my friend and my gf? Why does my gf have the right to try to force me into choosing?

 

I am not taking sides against anyone, she wants me to take sides. So if this is the case, what should I do? Why do we have to take sides? Why can't she just accept my apology and move on, without having to antagonize my friend over it in the process?

 

Plus she gave me an ultimatum first. She said that if I do not defend her against my friend, that she will call up my friend and do it herself. That's an ultimatum. So how is me trying to put a stop to her ultimatum, worse?

 

Why would you care if she calls your friend? That's between them. Your gf van say whatever she likes, your friend is free to do the same. She can listen, end the call, engage. They might argue. They might talk about you. They might - as both seem to have this capacity - try to blame you for the actions of the other.

 

Accept no responsibility and no blame. If your gf calls, that's on her. If your friend has a conversation, that's on them both for talking. If they talk about you,that's on them both. If gossip starts between them, each has a responsibility to end the call rather than talk about other people to whom each is - in theory - loyal as a friend at the least.

 

None of this has anything to do with you and all of it is beyond your conteol. Ignore it. Ignore any fallout afterwards.

[ironpony]

Well it was said on here before, that if I were to defend my gf to my friend, it could end up alienating her and make things worse. If my gf calls her to give her a lecture about it, could that not do the same, and make things worse? Plus my gf said that if I don't defend her, then what she has to say to my friend is going to get ugly. So when my gf says it like that, like it's a threat, I feel that maybe I shouldn't be okay with it, if she's going to make it ugly.

[IAmFCA]

Well it was said on here before, that if I were to defend my gf to my friend, it could end up alienating her and make things worse. If my gf calls her to give her a lecture about it, could that not do the same, and make things worse? Plus my gf said that if I don't defend her, then what she has to say to my friend is going to get ugly. So when my gf says it like that, like it's a threat, I feel that maybe I shouldn't be okay with it, if she's going to make it ugly.

 

If you're not okay with it, step back from your gf.

[ironpony]

Okay then. I just want to learn to do the right thing is a relationship, when disagreements arise. My gf is also upset right now because I had plans before to go on a three day vacation to visit the same friend in a city that is about six hours away. Before this incident, my gf wanted to come and I invited her to go along, telling her that I will be visiting my friend the majority of the time though, if that's okay, I told her. She said sure and would like to come and visit her as well.

 

But now that I have asked my friend for her opinion on our problem, my gf does not like my friend anymore. She wants to not hang out with her, when she comes with me to the city. But the whole point of going was to visit my friend, I haven't seen in two years, since she moved. Now she is saying that we should go just our selves, and not see my friend at all. I told her, I feel there is no point in going, now that she does not want to do the original goal of the trip for me in the first place. She is very upset we are not going now, because she refuses to hang out with me and my friend. But does that mean that I owe her a trip, even if it means ditching out on my friend, which was the whole point of me going in the first place?

[greta96]

Okay but should I just let her call my friend and give her a lecture then?

 

YES, please just let her do whatever she feels she must, because once she does it she is the one who will look psycho, not you. Let her dig her own grave.

Seriously, why do you insist on living in this turmoil, with a woman who is clearly out of her mind and insanely jealous of every female friend/contact you may have? Do you even realize that life can actually be drama-free, quiet and happy????

[catfeeder]

Okay but should I just let her call my friend and give her a lecture then?

 

Are you being dense on purpose? Leave it alone. Let them work out their stuff between themselves, and stay out of it.

[Wiseman2]

Triangles like this create a lot of drama and you are at the center of it. These two have nothing to do with each other but for you in the middle.

But now that I have asked my friend for her opinion on our problem, my gf does not like my friend anymore. She wants to not hang out with her, when she comes with me to the city.

[ironpony]

Okay, I am just afraid if I stay out of it, it will make things worse. Like some on here are saying that my gf is manipulative, and if that's true, she may attempt to try to manipulate the situation to her advantage, if that is true.

[boltnrun]

Okay, I am just afraid if I stay out of it, it will make things worse. Like some on here are saying that my gf is manipulative, and if that's true, she may attempt to try to manipulate the situation to her advantage, if that is true.

 

Why does that make you afraid? Are you actually afraid of your girlfriend?

[Tanzi]

Okay thanks. I spoke to another friend about it. My gf didn't care what he had to say cause he was a guy friend, but she holds my female friend's opinion in a much higher regard.

 

It has absolutely nothing to do with holding this friend's opinion in much higher regard. This particular friend is female and your gf sees her as a threat. Therefore she wants to watch over and control what goes on with you and this friend. She doesn't seem to care at all what your guy friends think, even though it is pretty much the same.

 

Well maybe an ultimatum to break up is not a good idea then. How should I handle her not calling up my friend to defend herself, since that's probably not a good idea?

 

Unfortunately, you can't control her actions. You can tell her that you don't want her to contact your friend and that you would like to think she would respect your feelings but if she decides to go ahead regardless then, whatever the outcome, it's on her and has nothing to do with you anyway. You can choose to stay well out of it (and if I were you, I would).

 

What I really don't understand though, ironpony, is why is this still going on??? Why hasn't this been dropped already??? It doesn't need to be this hard. If you feel your gf is over-reacting just stand your ground. End of!!

 

Am I really taking sides though? The majority opinion on here has been that the friend has done nothing wrong other than give an opinion that I asked for. So why should I have to choose between sides? Why can' t I keep my friend and my gf? Why does my gf have the right to try to force me into choosing?

 

I am not taking sides against anyone, she wants me to take sides. So if this is the case, what should I do? Why do we have to take sides? Why can't she just accept my apology and move on, without having to antagonize my friend over it in the process?

 

Why oh why oh why are you making such a meal out of this? No, you shouldn't have to take sides so tell your gf exactly what you have just said here.... "I am not taking sides". SIMPLE.

.

Plus she gave me an ultimatum first. She said that if I do not defend her against my friend, that she will call up my friend and do it herself. That's an ultimatum. So how is me trying to put a stop to her ultimatum, worse?

 

Ultimatums are basically empty threats. The person throwing out an ultimatum is trying to control someone else's actions to benefit them. The bottom line is, if you don't really mean what you are saying then you need to think twice before actually saying it. If, however, you really feel that she would have pushed things too far or disrespected you enough for it to be a deal breaker then that's a different matter entirely. Ultimately, though, if you have no intention whatsoever in ending the relationship then you might find yourself in rather a quandry if she goes ahead and contacts your friend anyway. What are you going to do then? Do something you never really intending on doing in order to stand by your words? (Doubtful) Or back down? Either way you wouldn't have handled the situation to any satisfactory conclusion.

 

By all means give her an ultimatum if you want to. Who are we to stop you? But just remember, ultimatums can backfire .... meaning that if you dish one out, you could be the one to suffer from it. We are just trying to help you by advising you not to.

 

Besides, it has been said (on here and by your friends) that your gf is being controlling and manipulative ..... controlling and manipulative people like to throw out ultimatums. Why bring yourself down to that level? If you want to put a stop to her ultimatum then you simply tell her not to drop the matter. If she has no regard for your feelings and goes ahead anyway then you will need to handle the situation as you see fit. It depends on whether it really is a dealbreaker to you.

 

All you need to say right now to your gf is that you would like her not to contact your friend as it will only make matters worse and that from hereon in the matter is well and truly dropped.

 

Can I ask, ironpony, is this still an ongoing issue with your gf or is this you trying to hash this out with yourself?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you enjoy kicking back and watching the cat-fight just like you did in your last failed relationship when this same frenemy drove a wedge.

 

If you yourself honestly believe your gf is manipulative then don't be manipulated or end it. You don't need a massive internet survey or this frenemy to figure that out.

I am just afraid if I stay out of it, it will make things worse. Like some on here are saying that my gf is manipulative, and if that's true, she may attempt to try to manipulate the situation to her advantage, if that is true.