Am I wrong to be upset when my husband talks sex with other females on facebook

[Hollyj]

Look into CODA.

[Caseyjones]

I wasn't with him for empathy. I completely Inlove with this man. I just let things slide because he's been through hell.

 

I don't think he's an alcoholic. In fact I know he's not. He can go days or weeks without.

He's a binge drinker in my book. Just as bad but no as recognisable

[Caseyjones]

Ok I will Thank You x

[Hollyj]

I wasn't with him for empathy. I completely Inlove with this man. I just let things slide because he's been through hell.

 

I don't think he's an alcoholic. In fact I know he's not. He can go days or weeks without.

He's a binge drinker in my book. Just as bad but no as recognisable

That can be an alcoholic. I suggest you look into the disease.

[Hollyj]

I wasn't with him for empathy. I completely Inlove with this man. I just let things slide because he's been through hell.

 

I don't think he's an alcoholic. In fact I know he's not. He can go days or weeks without.

He's a binge drinker in my book. Just as bad but no as recognisable

 

"Yes I believe he does. He had a horrific childhood. That's why I stick with him. I have empathy."

[Caseyjones]

That's why I joined here. I'm just a post to everyone do no emotional replies like I would get from friends and family. I need the black and white truth in what is happening here.

 

I feel worse lol

But that's because like holly said. I'm in denial.

 

I still say he's not Physically cheating but he's not showing his wife any loyalty or respect

[Caseyjones]

Yeah I just mean I empathise what he has been through otherwise I would have walked away from him months ago

[RainyCoast]

when speaking of what people will do under the influence of substances...i want to say that yes they will be uninhibited- however, what you see when the inhibition is done away with, is his level of development. most adults will have sublimated enough of the "primitive drive" for the chemical bravado to reveal a much more innocent kind of innapropriate behavior. if you have ever been hammered- did you do this? i know a lot of folks who will giggle uncontrollably, dance on the counter or use the f word like a comma when drunk, but i don't think the reasonably mature amongst them could easily be made to disrespect their spouses like this through intoxication. you either have it in you for the booze to reveal, or you don't. i've been drunk two or three times in my life so not like i'm an expert on it, but i was very drunk. i slept on the floor, told an unsavory joke or two and asked weird illogical questions but that was pretty much it. dunno...i think some people should just never drink, period.

 

i think in his case it definitely isn't "just" booze induced, since he minimizes his problem and pathologizes your reasonable boundaries when sober. if it was just booze induced, you'd be well within your rights to demand it stops nevertheless and he gets treatment for his alcohol problem.

 

you mention depression. so drinking, depression, playing Mr.Porn King on facebook...i'd state that he deactivates his profile, makes an appointment first thing monday morning for his problem AND for marital counseling, or i'm done.

 

i'm not sure you can get anything out of it though. i guess you've seen a glimpse of the persona underneath. you can perhaps make him adjust his behavioral repertoir, but you can't make him....evolve.

[Caseyjones]

It's one of those cases where my childhood was bad so I understand where he's coming from as his was worse.

 

So I let some stuff slide because he wasn't raised any better.. If that makes sense. But I'm not with him because of the empathy. I'm with him because he has my heart and soul. HAD!

[Hollyj]

It's one of those cases where my childhood was bad so I understand where he's coming from as his was worse.

 

So I let some stuff slide because he wasn't raised any better.. If that makes sense. But I'm not with him because of the empathy. I'm with him because he has my heart and soul. HAD!

 

That's not an excuse. He is an adult. What if he raped a child, would you excuse it away with his background? Many have dysfunctional backgrounds, it is not an excuse to misbehave and hurt others. You deal with your problems through therapy to make a positive change.

 

STOP ENABLING!!!

[Caseyjones]

Wow this was an amazing read.

 

I know this sounds weak but can I ask a question honestly?

 

Do I give up on him because he's damaged?

Or do I fight to show him that with help he can be fixed?

 

That's the battle I'm facing right now.

[Hollyj]

He has to admit there is a problem and want to change. He has to want it. You fight for nothing. If he does not do it because he recognized a problem, he will not take the therapy seriously.

 

There's nothing you can do, except address your own issues:

[Caseyjones]

I think that example was unnecessary holly.

[Hollyj]

I was using an extreme example. You continue to say how you excuse things, due to his childhood. i didn't know he was abused, you never told us

 

Okay, how about if he murdered someone then

[Hollyj]

I'm done.

 

I hope you both get the help you need. and I hope that you stop enabling this situation, as you are doing more harm, than good.

 

Good luck!

[ThatwasThen]

I did exactly what you said.

I told him I'm not living like that and maybe I need to speak to other men.

I them told him that he either deletes his account or I delete him!!!

Yet here you still are, with the very man you told you would delete him unless he deleted them. You are an enabler if you make threats but never follow through... you make him realize that he can still do it and you're not going anywhere so why should he stop?

 

I think my point to him is: you are putting Facebook before my own feelings. I don't like it and that should be enough for him to delete and fight for his marriage

He doesn't have to fight for his marriage because he does it, all you do is B**** about it while you basically put up with it. He suffers zero consequences to his actions which means he's like the little boy whose mother just scolds but never punishes.

 

Go to Al-Anon and learn about codependent relationships and the symptoms of a codependent. Maybe if you know what ails you, you'll stop enabling him to do the very thing you want him to stop doing.

You can learn to accept without B~ing about it and actually be fine with his proclivities or you can change the only person you have 100% control over changing (you) and you change yourself so that you have the boundaries and confidence in place to leave him for his total disrespect and his problem drinking.

 

I have a feeling that if he did quit drinking, you'd lose your attraction to him due to your codependent nature. Do you drink everyday yourself, luv?

[Caseyjones]

I have left him. And no I don't drink.

[RainyCoast]

think about two things.

 

one, the early years are formative, yes. so his ego had gotten a sheety structuration. doesn't that go for the larger part of humanity? families with really low-key pathology are unfortunately pretty rare. the question is, what kind of effed up ego-structuration are we talking about? lots of people are traumatized, suffer some level of anxiety, maybe a dollop of pessimism, whatever. then there are people who never developed a proper ethical component. this is the first deal-breaker. at best, they will adjust their behavior (usually temporarily) in order to avoid consequences (divorce), but with lack of empathy, regard for others, loyalty and other proof of some kind of integrity, it's a given you'll see this primitivism displayed more, and probably in intensified form.

 

 

two, he's a grown man. what we couldn't help during our formative years, we can help now. most of us have some kind of restructuring to do regarding what our early life left us with. he either sees an issue with his behavior and has genuine interest in outgrowing it, or he doesn't. he seems to not give a crap. probably because he has become conditioned to believe he can go on doing it as long as he manages to convince you you're overreacting. and because he is ...a bit of an ape.

 

i doubt you can "fix him" or that you should. does he want fixing? i mean if you face him with the ultimatum that he either gets help for this or not, you'll have your answer. at least part of it, until you see whether professional treatment is helping.

 

it's also one of those things best assessed by a therapist. we can't really tell whether he's "damaged beyond decency". from what we're reading here, i guess most of us would say yes. but his childhood isn't an excuse. this forum is full of people with horrible early life experience, abuse that continued well into adulthood, c-ptsd patients etc. they have taken responsibility for their adult selves. really don't cut people slack "because it's not their fault they didn't learn morals at a young age".

 

bottom line is, if you have to coerce him into change, it won't be change. that he shifts the blame on you and denies his mistakes is discouraging to say the least.

 

i'd try the ultimatum if i were you, and if i didn't see him in AA, therapy, couples counseling and a support group and deactivating his profile starting monday morning i would follow up by filing for divorce.

 

how long has this been going on for? how did he communicate with these women before? has he even considered treatment for his self-esteem or whatever his excuse was?

[Clinton]

I have left him. And no I don't drink.

 

Wow, you started posting at 2, had a conversation, delivered an.ultimatum and left him in the space of two hours while still having enough time to post updates

 

Busy day ;-)

[ThatwasThen]

I have left him. And no I don't drink.

 

That's the best thing you could have done for him, you and your relationship. Now, get yourself to Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous so that you get through your issues to the point that you don't take him back only to enable him to continue on in this mess he calls living.

 

You've stated you had a lousy upbringing. Time to do some nurturing of your inner child. Google "Nurturing your inner child" if you don't know that that term implies.

 

Holly has a point: Adding: So do all the others as does Clinton with his post above: Where did you go when you left him? Family, your own place, a friend's home and how did he react to your leaving? Did you once drink but now you are sober?

[ParisPaulette]

Nope, I'd have nailed his hide to a wall and be talking to a divorce attorney right about now if he wouldn't go for counseling.

 

But then that's just me and I have really strong boundaries of the "you want to talk sexy to other women? great, there's the door. What part of you don't get to do that and stay with me did you not understand?"

 

I would have a serious problem with it and then he would be having an even bigger one. And tell him to grow up and use another excuse than alcohol. Or better yet just own up to his own bad behavior and come up with a solution to make sure it never happens again if he doesn't want to see you in court.

 

Yes, I know that's very hard-nosed. I'm just tired of tiptoeing around about something that to me is a precursor to cheating, meaning he's just warming up for the big game. It's not "harmless flirting" or it wouldn't be putting his marriage in jeopardy now would it? Unless he's cool with you chatting about sex with other men, if you're both fine with it and it's an open two-way street there's nothing wrong with that.

 

Difference is that's a boundary you both agreed to, this doesn't sound like it is at all.

[IAmFCA]

Wow this was an amazing read.

 

I know this sounds weak but can I ask a question honestly?

 

Do I give up on him because he's damaged?

Or do I fight to show him that with help he can be fixed?

 

That's the battle I'm facing right now.

 

I used to think fighting to show someone they are lovable was an act of love.

 

It isn't. Because love doesn't require us to disrespect or hurt ourselves. Your needs are important and it is appropriate that you take responsibility for giving yourself the best future you are able. That is your basic responsibility.

 

So, no. You don't fight to fix him. That is his job and his job alone. Many people, maybe most, give up trying g to fix themselves or never start. He may be forever as he is now, and he deserves to be with someone who accepts him as he is,as disagreeable as that may be to the rest of us. Let yourself go, let him go, as you have just started doing. Good on you.

[Caseyjones]

Thank you all for your replies. I will be moving out of our apartment in the week.

 

Now is there anyway at all I can delete my thread? It's so upsetting I just want it gone

[Clinton]

Can't delete posts. It's in the terms service

[IAmFCA]

Thank you all for your replies. I will be moving out of our apartment in the week.

 

Now is there anyway at all I can delete my thread? It's so upsetting I just want it gone

 

Can't delete threads here. But so much happens that it will get buried by everyone else posting. We all have posted threads that reflect deeply painful times in our lives. Part of the beauty is that we have moved past those times, and are still here, able to see past our old threads.