Too much Success and Dark Secrets are making Dating Impossible

[Jake]

So I should state clearly from the cusp that I'm engineering school with a previous degree in the Sciences. I am currently looking forward to professional career in the biotechnology field as a scientist. What almost no one knows however (and it feels so good to finally get this off my chest) is that under sleep-deprivation and extreme stress pursuing to enter into my school of preference, dealing with the severe mental breakdown of my best friend (and sister) both of which are long stories in their own right and involve them pursuing their careers - I started to hallucinate. Both of them have recovered. I secretly, have not and the only people who know of my condition are one good friend in medical school and another who is in pharmacy school.

 

I've managed to get it under control by naturally starting to gravitate toward CBD. A compound found both in marijuana and hemp (a cousin of cannabis) but I took it briefly (a dozen times for a month) and as things fell into place (academically) after 2 years of trying, stressing, and fighting to stay strong in all these issues - the hallucinations stopped. The fear of the experience however, did not.

 

Things have turned for the absolute worst in the aspect of relationships. I am shy to begin with in this regard but as of recent I've actually expanded my horizon (on multiple dating sites) and have talked to a few women in the past the year. The issue is, that I know, deep down that if things got serious (i.e. one date turns into another and another) that I'd start to stumble about and... waver (in other words drop things and act aloof; which I know is not right).

 

I feel I've only created a cover for family and friends in this respect to my life, without it actually existing; because I cannot describe how strong my urge is to pull back, shutdown every dating account, and just dive into my work. Volunteer for research projects and give up (in short).

 

I'm confident I will not hallucinate anymore and have it managed with my 2 friends (and medically if need be as I now have health care coverage); but what I'm not confident about is managing my past pain going through, that - if that makes sense. I've morphed a sense of PTSD and shyness toward woman.

 

I'm fine exchanging contact information (if it's online dating) and I'm okay in public being looked at (and peeking in return hehehe!) but I cannot handle things beyond that. Beyond that my consciousness feels like I'm trying to ease myself into more painful circumstances. I know every relationship has risks. I just don't appreciate these emotions of sabotage and distrust (almost immediately). I was blessed with looks (so I'm told) but I feel like I literally carry about a dark secret like a dark cloud of, death. It just rains on every opportunity. A constant reminder, a nagging pain beyond what I'd describe as just loneliness (misery?). I'm approaching 27 years of age without a single date to speak of. I could excuse myself and say that I've always focused on my career, academics, family, friends and work. My temptation is to return to this to unimaginable measures (i.e. take summer classes while volunteering for research projects in the community of my field of work).

 

But here I sit, it is 6:30am, I have not slept, not because I can't but because I'm too bored to do so, and I've plowed through the first season of Game of Thrones in one week. I'm aggravated. I apologize, I just really had to get this off my chest.

 

 

-Jake

[Wiseman2]

Please get a proper diagnosis from an MD and stop self-medicating.

I've managed to get it under control by naturally starting to gravitate toward CBD. A compound found both in marijuana

[Jake]

The problem is I cannot be properly diagnosed for anything as I have nothing. My issues stemmed from extreme stress and sleep deprivation of the circumstances of what my sister and best friend were going through. I'm sure I could be evaluated? But I have no issues that I'm aware of medically in this regard anymore as I've regained sleep back into my life (hahaha! Oh, that sounds bad) and they've recovered.

 

My problem is those experiences? Whether I like to admit or not, have brought about severe emotional distractedness and just disconnect to potential relationships.

 

It's exhausting to think of in some respects while all the while I'm human (and thus lonely at times like anyone else!). A frustrating position. I apologize if I'm not explaining myself well.

 

 

-Jake

[notalady]

Perhaps seeing a psychiatrist would be helpful

[Jake]

Perhaps seeing a psychiatrist would be helpful

 

I feel there is a strong probability they'd not take me seriously. On paper I am all success. I have no courage to do so and discuss it.

 

It's like, "hey, yeah totally want to talk about the past year where I felt like every other day was death on fire - no biggie." I could also see that decision as reasoning to hold off on dating.

 

I'm tired of finding excuses but I have struggled to find motivation to move myself forward. Hence, why I'm here.

I feel like a car without gas and have struggled to find anything on what motivates people to date (besides the obvious of being lonely, ect.).

I thought what I've accomplished would have done so but to my horror it has cemented my ways (i.e. work / school and repeat).

 

 

-Jake

[limichelle]

You need to see a psychiatrist to get properly medicated for your hallucinations. Hallucinations are apart of a nental illness and stress and sleep deprivation does induce them. I know because it happens to me and I'm bipolar with scizhoid affective. You need to be put on the right medications.

 

My ex was exactly like that with interpersonal relationships that's why things ended.

 

You need to nip this in the butt before it gets worse and seek out professional help.

 

Lisa

[limichelle]

The psychiatrist would take you seriously with your symptoms. I'm high functioning and you wouldn't think I have a problem. However given my symptoms the doctors listen.

 

Lisa

[IAmFCA]

A psychotherapist would be most helpful for you, Jake. That field is trained at helping patients unpack traumatic events and put everything back into perspective. That really is what you need. They can prescribe meds if needed but more powerfully, help you get control back into your central self so that the outside world is more manageable.

 

Perhaps through your schools resources there is someone available to you? What you've described absolutely can be diagnosed and treated.

[Wiseman2]

When you tell them about the hallucinations, insomnia, withdrawing, depersonalization, paranoia and struggling with everyday issues, they will no doubt take you quite seriously.

I feel there is a strong probability they'd not take me seriously.

[RainyCoast]

The problem is I cannot be properly diagnosed for anything as I have nothing. My issues stemmed from extreme stress and sleep deprivation of the circumstances of what my sister and best friend were going through.

i don't mean to be snide OP but...acute psychosis is very much a diagnosis.

 

 

My problem is those experiences? Whether I like to admit or not, have brought about severe emotional distractedness and just disconnect to potential relationships.

which is a mental health issue. as is your sense of an ominous doom lurking above you. as if your anxiety and the residual stress response.

 

 

saying none of that with derison. we all came and stayed due to psychological stress accompanying situational stress.

 

but the fact that your psychological issue is triggered by situational stress doesn't make the former a non-diagnosis. it makes it a diagnosis. it makes the latter a trigger of the fomer. it makes your current distress a psychological problem too.

 

which clearly indicates some counseling or therapy would be the way to go- and you're insurance covered now, so...

 

 

i must admit you're right about the confusing manner in which you seem to be explaining yourself-your descriptions of your mental state are either very confusing/confused, vague (which is understanding given your distress but it makes it a bit difficut to offer insight) or my comprehension skills are low today. do you find it difficult to organize your thoughts since the stress with your sister and friend or are they more symbolic? info like that could help a skilled therapist evaluate whether you're prone to a relapse of psychosis or depression for example so if you feel confused it might help to jot down what you ntice before an appointment.

 

i'm very sorry you've gone through such trouble with your loved ones. sometimes their mental distress sort of transfers to the rest of the family in form almost like that of a folie à deux (or more) due to having spent a significant period in a shared "bubble of altered reality".

 

if you could try to elaborate a bit more on what kind of difficulty you're encountering post-festum perhaps we could be of more use.

 

i still think you'd do well to see a therapist regardless. none of us here are trained, although we can try to advise or "hear" you vent if that helps. it is evident from you're writing that you're feeling out of control, out of place or just generally sucked into a downward spiral.

 

 

a psychotic episode followed by a residual phase that is hindering you in any aspect of life or frequently messing with your mood seriously calls for treatment. if you could take cbd, i don't see why you wouldn't take a few sessions of talk therapy and a tiny sulpiride pill. you're too young, smart and promising to risk a debilitating issue preventing you from living the life you have and continue to work for and deserve. shared pychoses have a very good prognosis (oo, rhyme!) and more serious conditions definitely need to be nipped in the bud like limichelle said. make the call OP, don't torture yourself.

[Jake]

The consensus thought of many (and their logic) I consider over my intuition and so I've taken your posts seriously.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts. Going to have a cup of coffee over this one.

 

 

-Jake

[Liraele]

I feel there is a strong probability they'd not take me seriously. On paper I am all success. I have no courage to do so and discuss it.

-Jake

 

The only way to know for sure is to give it a try. That's their job. I'm sure they'll take it seriously if you do.

[IAmFCA]

The consensus thought of many (and their logic) I consider over my intuition and so I've taken your posts seriously.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts. Going to have a cup of coffee over this one.

 

 

-Jake

 

Take our virtual support with you. When our mental health is out of balance, our instincts are as well.

 

Please know we support you and want you to feel comfortable with yourself, and we look forward to hearing news of your step by step successes on the way.

[Ms Darcy]

I would not worry about dating and focus on seeing a psychotherapist.

[Jake]

So it's official, ADHD in conjunction with sociopath disorder. Joy onto me.

 

 

Now to find a job where I can be batman would be awesome.

The song, "Muse: Dead Inside" is coming to mind.

 

 

-Thank you all for the advice / guidance.

[Wiseman2]

A psychiatrist told you you have this?

So it's official, ADHD in conjunction with sociopath disorder.

[Jake]

A psychiatrist told you you have this?

 

No psychiatrists are not allowed to diagnose. I went to a MD who then worked in collaboration with

a psychiatrist (found someone that prefers referring natural remedies if medications are put into the equation toward the doctor).

 

I was told by the MD (he's actually a DO) to continue my CBD administration but to maintain my therapy with the psychiatrist. The doctor also told me

that the good news to my diagnosis is that in ideal conditions my two diagnosis's cancel each other out.

 

The bad, is that under massively extreme sleep deprivation or stress I will hallucinate, take a Sherlock persona - or worse (he seriously said this),

and probably do very well at gambling during or right after such a period of time in my life (i.e. warning me that I'd feel a desire to take exceptional risks).

 

I have yet to determine what I will make of this but I'm thankful that I

did my Googling in finding professionals with the best ratings in town.

 

Now to go rule the world (if not alone). LoL!...

 

Again, thank you all.

[Wiseman2]

Actually, that's their job.

No psychiatrists are not allowed to diagnose.

[HeartGoesOn]

No psychiatrists are not allowed to diagnose.

 

They most certainly are allowed/trained to diagnose. Someone is giving you misleading information.

[Wiseman2]

Do you mean manic-depressive (bipolar)?

my two diagnosis's cancel each other out

[Lucha]

As a psychiatrist in training I can l state that we are allowed and supposed to properly diagnose individuals who have mental health problems.

 

Also, marihuana or any other related (even non-related) drug is capable of inducing an acute psychosis with any (mentally healthy Or vulnerable) people. It certainly would do no good to your hallucinations to continue it.

 

As many on here I would advise seeing either a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist.

 

Anyhow, good that you found this forum as a way to ventilate. That's a first step.

[Jake]

As a psychiatrist in training I can l state that we are allowed and supposed to properly diagnose individuals who have mental health problems.

 

Also, marijuana or any other related (even non-related) drug is capable of inducing an acute psychosis with any (mentally healthy Or vulnerable) people. It certainly would do no good to your hallucinations to continue it.

 

As many on here I would advise seeing either a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist.

 

Anyhow, good that you found this forum as a way to ventilate. That's a first step.

 

Hi, no I recall now that my psychiatrist stated she can prescribe as well (I had forgotten). I initially, went to my doctor first (that I had found); however it was he who was the one to make the current recommendation of sticking to my regiment (I decided after putting in my 2 cents that it would not be worth further stating my opinion on the matter).

 

Luckily, my doctor and psychiatrist agree with each other (which makes sense considering he referred me to her in the first place). But you are mistaken.

I am not taking medical marijuana (or recreational for that matter). I apologize if I didn't clarify that enough.

 

I'm herbally taking what is known as hemp which is a species of cannabis with little to no psychoactive compounds.

 

 

See here for summary of information:

 

/

 

 

And the herbal product I'm taking itself:

 

 

 

 

In short, both my DO and psychiatrist prefer taking the natural herbal course before considering pharmaceuticals.

Which I'm happy for and is something I searched for upon seeking a doctor on this matter.

 

My personal pursuits are on becoming a bioinformatologist (a long story) which is why I naturally gravitated toward such a

solution on my own before considering medical help. I'm glad that my decisions have been supported professionally (i.e. I'm still only a student).