Is it true...

[Jeffbobo]

I'm beginning to wonder if it's true what they say in that when you're young, you marry because you're in love and that when you're older, you marry or find someone for companionship.

 

I mean, I know when I was married both of us were head over heals in love. It was the only time in my life.

 

Now, at 47, divorced for five years, I date, have met a lot of attractive and well put together women but have not felt that feeling as of yet. I also find it amazing with a large percentage of women that I talk to that did not marry because they were in love. Sure, they say they loved that person but were not in love.

 

I have a plenty of friends, I don't need a companion. I'm happy and feel I lead a fulfilling life.

 

What are people's thoughts on this? Is it true that people marry due to being in love early in life and for companionship later in life, bearing in mind loving someone and being in love are different?

[arjumand]

I think you can't make these wild generalizations, especially since you apparently have the examples of the women you are dating who were not "in love" but got married when they were young anyway. I have several friends who married later, in their 40s, and let me tell you, they and their spouses were head over heels. I think you have either not met the right person or have simple put yourself in the mind set that you are not going to be in love, so you are not.

[Clinton]

I met my fiancée at 48. I'm very much in love with the added bonus that we are actually compatible and share very similar interests.

 

I think the only thing dating when I was older did was make me understand what would and wouldn't work in a relationship. Experience was a great teacher.

[Itchy]

It will vary from person-to-person. People seem to marry for a variety of reasons, companionship, love, financial security, delusion, to paper over the cracks in their relationship, they want a big wedding ceremony where they get to be centre of attention and this supports their fragile ego's.

[leseine7]

Why is it 'true' that at one age people do one thing, and at another they do a different thing? The reason person A marries at whatever age can be VASTLY different from why person B does. Some people have arranged marriages. Some marry because they got pregnant. Hopefully most people marry for love no matter what age.

 

I think you need to figure out why YOU want to (or don't want to, as the case may be) get married, and stop worrying about what the world expects or does at your age. All that matters is what you want and why you want it.

[ParisPaulette]

Showed this post to hubby, I'm just 60 and he's in his late 70s. We got married two years ago. We laughed and laughed and laughed. (Apologies, I don't mean to be unkind here.)

 

Nope, not true. We married each other for love. Marry for companionship? I"m going to be blunt here, many people who have been through one or more failed marriages, myself included, and are then able to live successfully on their own will get animals and family for companionship. Lovers or significant others, sure. But marriage can be a gigantic headache or at least that's how I felt, so the only thing that was ever going to get me to say "I do" again was love. Hubs had never been married, it was important to him, I did it for him.

 

But it was love, not companionship that made us choose to marry so late in life.

 

If anything happens to him I'm not marrying again, in fact I doubt I'll date although I've learned never to say never on anything by this point in my life. I have companionship aplenty already, so the only reason anyone gets to share my life is I love them, am in love with them like I am my husband.

 

When I was young I married for companionship and because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I was too young and too dumb to realize just because a Harlequin romance or Hollywood or your friends say, "This is how it's supposed to be," doesn't mean that's how it's supposed to be for you.

[Hermes]

Jeff.

 

Too many young (I mean too young) marry or enter a partnership out of infatuation or unrealistic expectations. "In love" all too often equates to infatuation. Many seem to think that unless there is the ongoing high-octane stuff going on one should not enter a relationship or marriage.

 

I have to smile. I know many people who married in what is called later life, not necessarily because they were divorcés, but simply a choice to marry later on when one has more maturity, lived a bit.

[lostandhurt]

Jeff,

I believe it has a lot to do with experience and not necessarily age. When we are young we haven't experienced so much and have a wide eyed view of the world which could also be true of someone that had really no romantic experience but much older.

 

What you are experiencing is pretty much what I feel right now. My life (single over 2 years) is pretty darn good and I am happy and have a very full life. I would like to have someone in my life but I certainly don't NEED someone to be in love with. This leads us and many to sharpen our pencils on our checklist for love. I wouldn't say I am picky, I just know more now than ever what I want in a romantic partner. I don't feel jaded or broken, I feel enlightened.

 

I have been in love only twice in my life. My ex wife was my first love and my last gf was the second. I was with my wife 20 years and thought I knew what love was and I did love her with all my heart but the second time I fell it was much different. Much deeper, more honest, more of a connection. I attributed it all to my gf which was a very loving and giving soul that brought out more love from me than I knew existed.

 

I guess what I am saying is that you have way more experience in such things now and thus you have a different criteria before your heart will attach to someone new. Give it time, you will know when the right woman comes along but you must be open to the idea of love or you are doomed from the start.

 

I am hopeful for all of us that one day that feeling comes over us once again...

 

Lost

[Itchy]

 

I have to smile. I know many people who married in what is called later life, not necessarily because they were divorcés, but simply a choice to marry later on when one has more maturity, lived a bit.

 

People marry at that age because they are scared of being alone, they need to have someone there for them and that's not necessarily a bad thing, some people just cannot stand their own company which is totally fine, but let's not down play the important that loneliness has in driving people together.

[Hermes]

Itchy.

 

Some do and some don't. Not everyone is scared of being alone or of being lonely.

I do think, however, that afraid of being alone is not a good reason for entering a relationship with someone, anyone, at all costs. Loneliness is an awfully bad advisor.

[Itchy]

Itchy.

 

Some do and some don't. Not everyone is scared of being alone or of being lonely.

I do think, however, that afraid of being alone is not a good reason for entering a relationship with someone, anyone, at all costs. Loneliness is an awfully bad advisor.

 

I think it's natural to be afraid of being alone, especially when you get older. Elderly people generally have poorer social mobility than younger people and without the support of local charitable organisations and support networks, elderly people can and do suffer from social isolation.

 

I'm used to being alone because I spend most of my days when I am not working in isolation, so I can cope because I am used to it, I have adapted and changed, I like my own company but a lot of people cannot live like I can and I don't think it's right that they should. If marriage in old age help ease the burden that the scruff of loneliness has on certain people then it should be welcome and this is coming from a man that finds the institution of marriage abhorrent.

[Clinton]

People marry at that age because they are scared of being alone, they need to have someone there for them and that's not necessarily a bad thing, some people just cannot stand their own company which is totally fine, but let's not down play the important that loneliness has in driving people together.

 

I'd respectfully disagree with that. I know a lot of older people(and I mean late 40's early 50's) who are successful and content on their own.

 

IF they met someone who set off the bells and whistles they'd consider a relationship but it's not necessary for their happiness. They have wide groups of friends and companionship when they need it. Lonely they are not.

[Hermes]

Itchy. I imagine you are referring to people in their 70s, 80s and possibly 90s?

 

Yes, for some loneliness can be a problem, for others not. Many elderly people are engaged in all kinds of activities, associations, clubs and so on.

Those who are disabled, unable to get out, well that is a different matter.

 

I know there are people who are unable to live in their own company, and there are many reasons for that.

 

The other day I read that 60 is the new 40. Times have changed and I can't count the number of people I know in their seventies and indeed into their eighties who are working (own business).

[catfeeder]

I'm beginning to wonder if it's true what they say in that when you're young, you marry because you're in love and that when you're older, you marry or find someone for companionship.

 

First, who are the 'they' who say this? It sounds like 'they' are making generalizations about young people being prone to infatuation and older people being prone to loneliness.

 

I don't buy it.

 

I felt lonelier when I was younger, despite plenty of infatuation and being surrounded by plenty of people. I feel calmer and more stable in my 50's and more prone to 'falling in love'--with life, and with people of all ages.

 

If 'we' want to lump ourselves into generalizations, we can say that when we're young, we're blank slates. If we were well adjusted kids, we found it easy to homogenize well with others. We found ourselves any number of 'best friends' over time with whom we could share instant simpatico and adopt one another's likes and dislikes into a blend that served us until it was time to diverge.

 

As we mature, we grow more solidly into our personalities, and we won't be everyone's cup of tea. We learn how to form different kinds of friendships to meet different needs. But when it comes to a lover, we only get one, at least at a time, if we're monogamous.

 

So if we continue our line of generalizations, the more mature, well adjusted 'we' would no longer be as prone to illusions and fantasies 'about' people, and we're more self sufficient--socially, emotionally, sexually. Being less needy means we're also less likely to fixate on anyone in some slack jawed state, but that doesn't mean it can't happen.

 

Taking away my tooth fairy, easter bunny and santa claus might have made me more prone to transfer my magical thinking onto more lovers when I was younger, and while I may have outgrown my perpetual state of seeking new targets for that, I've come to view myself as more capable of love, not less so. I'm just more in love with the world and my Self, and I'm confident in my ability to be 'wowed' over the smallest things. If the right guy ever walks into that with me, I'm sure that I will be appropriately floored over him.

[superkatnip]

Jeff,

I am not sue I agree or disagree , but personally, I know my definition of love has changed. I used to think that love was the drama, and passion of infatuation. Love conquering all kind of thing. I had that for a while and , you know what it doesn't. Love to me now is two equal coming together, accepting their differences, growing and bettering each other. Learning and living and yes, having a shared passion for experiences and each other.