My wife is a diagnosed bi-polar

[Mstrutton]

I'm in a young marriage. We've only been married eight months, and we've had our ups and downs. She has two young children 1 & 6 from previous relationships. She informed me about two months ago that she was diagnosed as bi-polar. She was on medication, but some time back she quit because she said, "they made her feel like a zombie that wanted to kill itself all the time.". Recently, our problems have escalated. There has always been a distortion of actual events in her eyes, but I merely chalked that up to her trying to be right. Our last two fights were very severe. The first, she lied about a man she'd met, confessed, but later on denied most over everything and reworded it. The second, she became verbally abusive in front of the 6 yr old, and then encouraged the child to do the same. Again, she reworded the incident and denied any wrong doing. Almost as if her distortion is a coping method. She left to stay with a friend afterword, claiming that I produced a harmful environment to her and the children. Since then, she's left the baby with me to care for while she works, and the 6 yr old messages me wondering when she can come back, that she loves and misses me. I've talked to my wife about counseling and therapy, and she refuses. She also denies that she ever told me about her disorder. I love her, and my two step-kids. I am at a complete loss, as she has completely distorted the situations, refuses responsibility, and refuses to seek treatment. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Itchy]

I would divorce her if I was in your situation.

[Lester]

How long did you date? Did she let you know about her conditions before marriage?

[Hermes]

Mstrutton.

 

I see she failed to disclose her condition to you at the outset. Still and all I cannot believe that you didn't notice that something was awry with her.

 

and now:

 

".....she became verbally abusive in front of the 6 yr old, and then encouraged the child to do the same. Again, she reworded the incident and denied any wrong doing. Almost as if her distortion is a coping method"

 

Expect more of the same and escalating. Instability, push and pull "I hate you, don't leave me" etc.

 

Sadly it won't work OP.

[Seraphim]

I may not be the best person ask but after being raised by a bipolar parent who wouldn't stay on his medication and seeing what he did to my mom I tell you run like hell. Bipolar is a chemical imbalance and they must take their medication. If the medication she was on didn't feel right she should've gone back to her doctor and explored other medications. I am not saying all bipolar people are horrible but how you describe her is like my dad I would say run like hell.

[WithLove]

If she is refusing to talk with her doctor about different meds and won't try therapy, then this is who she is and what you will deal with. You're going to have to have a long talk with yourself about whether it will be worth it to you.

 

I'm bipolar myself. But this seems to be really extreme.

[Seraphim]

She could have a very severe form like my dad. It is horrible suffering for them and the people they are with.

[WithLove]

She could have a very severe form like my dad. It is horrible suffering for them and the people they are with.

 

That's what I'm thinking, too. People on the extreme end of the spectrum almost seem like they should be merged into other mental categories that are also more extreme. I'm on the low end myself, and have an uncle that is probably on the mid-to-high end, but even he doesn't get like this.

[Seraphim]

My dad is very extreme and does stuff all the time he said he never did. There is some research I can't remember where that says they actually don't remember some of the things they do while in a manic state. And when my dad was manic he was very dangerous. You had to watch your p's and Q's because he would explode into rages.

[Wiseman2]

As long as she is off meds your life will be an insane volatile hell and she will take you down with her. You need to stand up and tell her "get the proper treatment or I'm out". Yep, speak with an attorney about getting a divorce and getting the hell out of there. .

She was on medication, but some time back she quit because she said, "they made her feel like a zombie that wanted to kill itself all the time."

[j.man]

Divorce her and fight for custody and child support. If she's refusing medication, you owe it to yourself and, more importantly, the children. Victoria is absolutely spot on with her cautions. Diagnosed and untreated bipolar is nothing to mess around with.

 

ETA: Sorry, noticed they were her kids originally. Have you adopted them? Does she have family you can appeal to? If you're in the US, you can contact CPS (or the equivalent elsewhere) and they may be able to provide a reality check if in fact they can verify she's diagnosed and unmedicated.

 

Basically, it sounds like the situation is beyond your capacity to handle with her one-on-one.

[Hermes]

MStrutton. You say:

 

"Almost as if her distortion is a coping method. She left to stay with a friend afterword, claiming that I produced a harmful environment to her and the children. Since then, she's left the baby with me to care for while she works, and the 6 yr old messages me wondering when she can come back, that she loves and misses me. I've talked to my wife about counseling and therapy, and she refuses".

 

 

A reality check:

 

What risks and complications can BPD cause?

 

Self-harm

 

It is common for people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) to self-harm. Some people find self-harming can help them to deal with painful feelings. But it can cause serious injury, scars, infections, or accidental death. A big focus of BPD treatment is to find other ways to deal with painful emotions.

 

Drugs and alcohol

 

People with BPD may behave impulsively, drink too much or take drugs. You may be at an increased risk of becoming dependent on alcohol or drugs if you have BPD.

 

If you drink a lot or use drugs, you may find it difficult to get BPD treatment. You may be less likely to want help, or your substance use may get in the way of your treatment.

 

When you have a mental illness and a problem with drink or drugs, professionals call this ‘dual diagnosis’.

 

Impulsive behaviours

 

When people make decisions quickly without thinking about the consequences, doctors call this ‘impulsive’. This can include driving erratically, having more sexual partners, and spending money without thinking.

 

Some people with BPD may have unprotected sex with people they don’t know very well. This can lead to sexually transmitted diseases or an unwanted pregnancy.

 

BPD may cause people to gamble without thinking about the possible outcomes. They might spend their rent money or get pay day loans. This can lead to debt.

 

From:

 

 

[Seraphim]

Borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder ARE NOT THE SAME THING. Bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance . Borderline personality disorder is just that a personality disorder .

[Seraphim]

 

 

[Seraphim]

Bipolar disorder can be mostly corrected with medication borderline personality disorder cannot . People with borderline personality disorder must attend counselling and participate in certain forms of therapy .

[Mstrutton]

How long did you date? Did she let you know about her conditions before marriage?

 

No she didn't tell me until 2 months ago

[Hermes]

This was most dishonest.

 

No she didn't tell me until 2 months ago

[Ms Darcy]

Why in the heck would you marry someone you had an up and down relationship with???

[abitbroken]

Ok - if you were married for 8 months and she has a 1 year old by another man - this child was born 4 months before you married. How long did you date??? It sounds like not long at all. If you have only been married 8 months and she was in another relationship as late as a month before marrying you or maybe up to a year before if he left her when she was just pregnant, than this is also shame on you for not getting to know her a little better before putting a ring on her finger. Marriages to people with bipolar can work sometimes if both people are honest and the bipolar person is willing for help and the other party is willing to be a bit codependent or a caretaker. Or they have it under control and are conscious of it. But basically, this marriage is ripe for annulment.

 

I think you need to get help. Talk to an attorney. Do you even know her relatives? Can you call the cops or can you take her to the hospital if you fear self harm of her? Or can you call if she takes the older child and disappears with her even if the child is not yours (a welfare check on the child, etc,)

 

This just sounds crazy