Unhealthy amounts of stress over my boyfriend's family.

[jmary]

I love my boyfriend to death. He is clean cut, a hard worker- both in school and in his job (just a server since he can't get a decent job while in school). He has gotten in trouble in the past with the law only once for smoking weed (rarely does it too). Regardless, he treats me well and is so sweet to me. I have never truly been able to say i'm in love with someone until I met him, and he's my best friend. My family likes him too, he's gone on a trip with me, my mom, and my stepdad. We have been together for almost 3 years- no breaks, nothing.

 

I have anxiety and I have it bad. I have met his whole family. I have no issues with his dad, brother, or sister. His sister had a slip-up and got into a bad crowd and had an addiction problem, but she is a lot better. His dad is great. He doesn't have a lot of money, none of his family does, but his dad specifically got hurt on the job (working for Delta) and now lives in a trailer by the lake. To be honest, when I saw it, I thought it was a one story house, not a trailer. He can compose himself though, he's respectful and isn't an embarrassment.

What brings me the most stress is his mother. Now I need to say this without being called a snob.... my family comes from money, we are clean cut. You can tell his mom does not come from money. She has sporadic, tacky tattoos over her arms, she just recently got her nose pierced. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything wrong with those things. But she acts like a teenager. It would be a shock to my family meeting her. She has been arrested before. My boyfriend warned me of her before I met her. I like her, she's nice, she takes care of my boyfriend helping pay for college (when she can). My mom however hates tattoos, hates piercings. She has already accepted my boyfriend after his slight slip up years ago with weed. She is aware of his sister, but his mom is a different story. My stepdad keeps telling me to be aware if the family has a crazy family member, and that I should be careful who I marry based off of their family. He says this basing it off of his first marriage, without knowledge of how my boyfriends mom is. I avoid the subject anytime my mom asks what kind of person she is.

 

This gives me a great deal of stress. I love my boyfriend, he is SO DIFFERENT than his family. I couldn't believe he was related to them, I still can't. I stress out to the point I feel sick thinking about them meeting. To the point that sometimes, I wonder if I should break up with my boyfriend simply because I can not deal with the stress of worrying about his mom. But the thought of losing him breaks my heart. I just really, really, need some advice on this situation.

[melancholy123]

Breaking up with him because of how his mother is seems pretty reactionary. If your mother is going to meet his mother at some point you should tell your mother in advance about the tattoos and any other visible things she may not approve of, so that she is fore-warned and you can see how she reacts. Your mother doesnt need to know all the details about his mother. My own mother was very judgemental and so I understand how you feel but you can't let either mother ruin an otherwise good relationship.

[jmary]

Yes, I agree it is reactionary. I think what stresses me out is the thought of them meeting, and then the thought of a wedding and having to marry into his family. Its nice to talk to someone who can understand when a mother is judgmental, it's so difficult to deal with! And thank you. My boyfriend and I have a great relationship. it sucks he came from the family (mom) he did. Sometimes I will go on Facebook or even watch tv and envy those who don't have to worry about their significant other's family members! My mom said she does not see a point in meeting parents unless there is an engagement. I have talked to my boyfriend about it and he is completely understanding and is on my side as well, he worries about them meeting. He has said that at some point, maybe after he gets their permission to be engaged to me?, that he will talk to them about his mom, mainly just her appearance. Do you think that is a good idea or is that something I should approach when the time comes

[Ms Darcy]

You sound very snobbish to me, unfortunately. So his mom has tattoos and your mom hates tattoos!? That means you tell your mom to be polite if they meet. It seems like there are bigger problems on your side of the family.

[jmary]

No bigger problems, my mom just doesn't want me marrying into a crazy family that's all.

[limichelle]

This should be up to you and you should not care how your mom will react. If this bothers you personally then you need to work on those issues before marrying him, his family is what it is.

 

Lisa

[jmary]

Thank you for the response. I completely agree. I have always worried too much and one thing I notice is I worry too much about what other people think. It definitely is something I need to approach my mom about, we (my boyfriend and I) can't keep beating around the bush with this.

[Lester]

Boy's typically emulate their Fathers.

His calm treatment of his wife is a good indicator of how he'll be with you.

 

The more compatibility the better, but it does not guarantee a successful union.

The jump-off point, his love/kindness, and hard work will help you build a new life, complete with your own traditions.

[butterfly45]

You sound very snobbish to me, unfortunately. So his mom has tattoos and your mom hates tattoos!? That means you tell your mom to be polite if they meet. It seems like there are bigger problems on your side of the family.

 

Couldn't agree with you more. OP, you sound like a horrible person! You've labelled this woman and her family crazy cos she has tattoos. Tattoos are a matter of taste and imply nothing about status or money (they cost a lot for one thing). I notice your mother has asked what your boyfriend's mother is like as a PERSON. Can't you focus and emphasise that to her? that she is a good person even if she looks different to what you are used to?

 

If you're on social media wishing you were in other peoples' shoes (knowing nothing about their back story) I would dump him. You sound as though you think you are too good for him and you care too much what others think. Or I hope he dumps you for being a judgemental person.

[Hermes]

JMary.

 

I picked up on this:

 

"..maybe after he gets their permission to be engaged to me?,"

 

Why does he need their "permission" to marry anyone?

 

I gather you are both also very young. Yes?

[butterfly45]

JMary.

 

I picked up on this:

 

"..maybe after he gets their permission to be engaged to me?,"

 

Why does he need their "permission" to marry anyone?

 

I gather you are both also very young. Yes?

 

I think the OP is referring to the tradition of asking the bride to be's father for permission for his daughter's hand in marriage.

[Hermes]

The reference is to this man having to ask HIS family's permission to become engaged to the OP (JMary).

 

Re-read OP's earlier posts......

[butterfly45]

The reference is to this man having to ask HIS family's permission to become engaged to the OP (JMary).

 

Re-read OP's earlier posts......

 

I did read it, it wasn't clear who "their" and talking to "them" was, so I took a guess........

[Itchy]

The only way a family can come between two people is because those two people allow family to dictate their feelings to them instead of staying strong together in the face of stiff opposition.

 

I never have and never will listen to what my family expects of me, I march to the beat of my own drum. My family want me to date a white woman and keep our family a white family but as a man that has been attracted to women of all races and ethnicities, I will date whomever I want and if that's a white woman or not makes no difference to me and I refuse to be dictated to by my family. You and your boyfriend need to embrace all opinions but remember the only opinions that really counts are those of you and your partner.

[Hermes]

That is well said Itchy.

 

However I get the impression that the OP and her BF are very young indeed (at school?), and the very fact that he says HE has to have HER family's permission to just get ENGAGED to her. Different cultures, different ways of doing things...I suppose.

[Itchy]

That is well said Itchy.

 

However I get the impression that the OP and her BF are very young indeed (at school?), and the very fact that he says HE has to have HER family's permission to just get ENGAGED to her. Different cultures, different ways of doing things...I suppose.

 

Yes this is very true, I know there are cultures where a couple must get their parents blessing in order for the marriage to go ahead and of course these two people may be very young, there is no real way of knowing and perhaps my advise is best geared towards someone in their twenties and beyond.

[jmary]

Sorry, maybe I should clear this up: Permission as in he asks my stepfather to ask for my hand in marriage, just typical tradition and respectful. He does not HAVE to do that, it's just out of respect. We both are younger, 25. I'm graduated from college, he had a late start so he is still taking classes. If we were to be engaged it would not be until he is out and has a job, so probably not for a while, 3 years at least. Also to clear something up, I am not a horrible person. I am not labeling his mom. I like his mom, she's nice, funny, and cool to hang around. Sure, i'm not going to lie. It pushed me away when I saw she's been arrested. Whats wrong with that? I am looking into the eyes of my mom and am worried about how she will depict his family. Yes, I care about what my family thinks when it comes to a marriage, and I don't see anything wrong with my mom caring about what kind of family I get married into, especially if she and my stepdad are paying for the wedding.

[jmary]

This means a lot, Itchy. I know I need to embrace all opinions but at the end of the day only care about my boyfriend and I, but it's just hard for me. I have always cared so much about what my family thinks, especially when my mom bothers/nags me non stop about it. Maybe with time I won't care as much

[jmary]

I came here to calm down and get my thoughts together and overall feel better, and this really made me feel better. Thank you so much, Lester!

[butterfly45]

Also to clear something up, I am not a horrible person. I am not labeling his mom. I like his mom, she's nice, funny, and cool to hang around. Sure, i'm not going to lie. It pushed me away when I saw she's been arrested. Whats wrong with that? I am looking into the eyes of my mom and am worried about how she will depict his family. Yes, I care about what my family thinks when it comes to a marriage, and I don't see anything wrong with my mom caring about what kind of family I get married into, especially if she and my stepdad are paying for the wedding.

 

You labelled her and her family 'crazy' twice. And yes that's understandable but your comments do focus a lot more on her appearance and about 'money'. And anyway, would you even have to tell your family she's been arrested in the past? Surely that is her own business and her own decision to tell people.

[jmary]

You labelled her and her family 'crazy' twice. And yes that's understandable but your comments do focus a lot more on her appearance and about 'money'. And anyway, would you even have to tell your family she's been arrested in the past? Surely that is her own business and her own decision to tell people.

 

Well, with it being all over Google, I feel like my mom will look it up if she suspects anything. She tends to get curious regardless just to see

[East4]

From your account of facts, your BF's mother raised a good son and she helps him out with paying for his college. She has only been nice to you. She seems to be a good parent and kind person to you.

 

On the other hand, the few facts you shared on your mother paint her as a judgmental, criticizing, snobby person. I definitely see a link between your anxiety and being raised by a demanding mother who expects you obviously to live by her standards. Your anxiety stems from the fact that you are totally consumed by pleasing your mother. To me this is where your problem is. You need to mature into an autonomous person who is able to form independent opinions, regardless of your mother's views. Before that happened, you will always be at the mercy of your mother's judgments. What about your own conclusions? At the age of 25 a young adult is supposed to be able to arrive to conclusions and take decisions, that one's parents are not necessary OK with.

[catfeeder]

Either your parents are bred well enough to be polite to whoever they meet, or they're not.

 

It sounds like your own family is what you don't trust.

 

You can't have it both ways. Either you're independent enough to negotiate the respect of your parents on your choice of a partner, or you're still too enmeshed in playing the role of a dependant child to navigate such adult decision-making responsibilities.

 

Are you living on your own and supporting yourself? If not, then marriage is likely too premature to worry about, and your focus on a woman who is only tangential to your ability to manage your own relationship with your family is misplaced.

 

If you are living on your own, then suffering an occasional snide remark from family about the future mother of the bride is something that can roll off your back. It can even be something you all share a snicker about and bond over--if YOU handle the matter properly. Otherwise, if you don't feel capable of managing that, then maybe BF deserves to marry someone who can?

 

Head high, and minimize the problem by allowing your family to manage their own prejudices. Trust that they either respect your choices, OR you have some independence to demonstrate before introducing a marriage choice into the mix.

[jmary]

To me this is where your problem is. You need to mature into an autonomous person who is able to form independent opinions, regardless of your mother's views. Before that happened, you will always be at the mercy of your mother's judgments. What about your own conclusions? At the age of 25 a young adult is supposed to be able to arrive to conclusions and take decisions, that one's parents are not necessary OK with.

 

I agree completely with this. I start a full time job in July making a good salary and plan on living home (I currently live at home with her) for a couple months so I can save up some money. From there, I think I will be more independent and might not care as much.

[jmary]

Either your parents are bred well enough to be polite to whoever they meet, or they're not.

They will be polite when they meet, I think my anxiety is on the event after, having to hear their comments about it

 

 

Are you living on your own and supporting yourself? If not, then marriage is likely too premature to worry about, and your focus on a woman who is only tangential to your ability to manage your own relationship with your family is misplaced.

I am living with my family currently. I start my full time job in just a little over a month (Just graduated college a few weeks ago), and need to save up some money. I plan on moving out and fully supporting myself in about 6 months. Yes, marriage is too premature! I can absolutely agree with that! Sometimes, I worry when the timing is completely irrational.

 

Thank you so much for this comment. This is exactly what I was looking for!