My ex called me yesterday. Am I reading too much into this?

[Rockies2505]

What makes you guys think she'll be reaching out any time soon? Returning things, especially gifts, has a certain finality to it. And as far as reactions go I don't think I gave her one. I was very stoic the whole time. I didnt say anything other than hi.

[allibaidoo4]

I agree with what others have said.When I cut it off with one of my exes because he was taking advantage of me I wanted to return back all the gifts he gave me. He kept telling me to keep it but I insisted that I didn't want them in all honesty, I still loved him and wanted to get a reaction out of him to see if he loved me too. We ended up getting back together.

[mustlovedogs]

Yeah, I had kinda used the gifts early on as a tool to get a reaction too. It was an excuse to reach out and offer them back and get him to say something ("no, keep them, I miss you!" - what I was hoping for, lol)

[Shane Falco]

Yes breadcrumbs at first, eventually if that doesn't work and she really wants to get back together she will show more persistence. I was merely responding to the initial response he got about the notebook. Some post to ignore unless she states she wants to reconcile and I don't think it would be wise to just ignore someone cause she hasn't said the magic words. Having said that, I don't think anyone should assume it means they want to reconcile either. It's just a step possibly in the right direction.

 

I think ignoring in that situation is extremely wise IF you're still recovering, because it will flush out the other person's intentions. The last thing a recovering dumpee needs is the guesswork that comes from your strategy. Once they start trying to read tea leaves and psychoanalyze the other person's intentions they are on the road to disaster. The dumper needs to do the vast majority of the heavy lifting. If the dumper wants to reconcile, he or she needs to come correct. Your advice is flawed IMO because it puts the dumpee in an extreme fragile position.

 

That being said, if the dumpee really doesn't care either way, then they can do what they want. Heck, I occasionally talk to the ex that brought me here back in the day because I really don't care about getting with her anymore. But most people coming to this site looking for advice aren't in that state of mind.

[Rockies2505]

Well in my case I certainly learned my lesson. If she reaches out again I won't respond unless she gives me something definitive.

[reinventmyself]

That was just down right mean!

No matter her intentions. . even if she wanted to bait you to make a move, I'd steer clear of someone who would go about it in such an unnecessarily hurtful way such as that.

It says a lot about her.

[lilygirl]

I am sorry that things went down this way. I think returning gifts is especially harsh. I agree with Realistic in that she was trying to hurt you and possibly get some kind of reaction from you, hard to say for sure, but returning gifts does not suggest indifference.

 

I would continue on as you have been and if she reaches out again, let her do the work.

[Collegeguy2]

What kind of gifts are you talking about here if you don't mind me asking? Jewelry? Clothes? Letters?

 

My girlfriend and I broke up a couple months ago as well and we've been NC for more than 2 months the last thing she gave me back was my backpack (a gift from my brother) but she never returned any "gifts". So I also find it odd your ex wanted to return things I would've simply said no and just handed her what she wanted.

 

I mean not that I wanted my ex to return anything because she did try to return the necklace and promise ring I gave her but she already knew I would say no... But obviously all the pillow pets and stuffed animals that took over her bed/small gifts I had given her throughout the relationship nothing was brought up.

[Rockies2505]

I'm not reaching out anytime soon. I'm fully focused on myself at the moment. If she wants to try again she knows how to reach me.

 

Collegeguy,

 

It was sentimental stuff. There was a letter I wrote her that basically said I would always love her, there was a bracelet I bought her on our second date, there was a stuffed animal that I bought from a trip to Cali, etc. Things of that nature. There are more things, but I think you get the point.

[mustlovedogs]

The fact that she was returning sentimental things tells me she is still hurting. She may not want it around her as a memory but she may not want to throw it away. Just a guess.

[Ms Darcy]

I would just caution folks not to assume or think 'wanting to get a reaction out of you' equals 'wanting to get back together.'

[Collegeguy2]

I agree with mustlovedogs. She might still be hurting about it and wants to put you on the spot wether you get rid of it or not it's in your hands now. She couldn't make the decision of throwing it away so she's making you keep it or get rid of it.

[Rockies2505]

Why though? What is she trying to accomplish? I have no use for any of these things

[Wiseman2]

"Closure"...at least in her mind.

What is she trying to accomplish?

[realistic1817]

What makes you guys think she'll be reaching out any time soon? Returning things, especially gifts, has a certain finality to it. And as far as reactions go I don't think I gave her one. I was very stoic the whole time. I didnt say anything other than hi.

 

No returning gifts is not a finality although that is definitely the impression she wanted you to have. She wanted an emotional reaction from you, but you didn't give her that. Now she is somewhere thinking about the interaction and will eventually come up with another way to reach out or see you in my opinion. Initially most women will not come forward with the real reasons behind things they say or do, she is trying to determine if your still emotionally invested. Now this could be because she still loves you and would like to get back together at some point or it could be for selfish reasons so she feels that she is control.

I say do nothing, do not give her any reaction. Keep being nonchalant about it until she comes forward with clearer intent.

[Collegeguy2]

No one can tell you what she is trying to accomplish, it could be closure and it could also be that she was trying to get a reaction out of you.

 

Either way I think gifts shouldn't be returned. In my opinion if you gift someone something you should never ask for it back or give it back in this case.

[lilygirl]

I would just caution folks not to assume or think 'wanting to get a reaction out of you' equals 'wanting to get back together.'

 

When I wrote that she may be wanting to get a reaction out of you, I meant that perhaps because she is still hurting she may wanted to hurt you back or was looking for a reaction, who knows, I just thought it was hurtful to return gifts. I did not assume that it means she wants to get back together. Exes can engage in all sorts of crazy making behaviour and in my experience it is impossible to know what their intentions are until and unless they tell you directly.

[Rockies2505]

I agree that returning gifts was a bit of a low blow. And yeah it hurt. I just dont see why she felt the need to put me through that. Why would she intentionally seek to hurt someone she used to care about?

[lilygirl]

I agree that returning gifts was a bit of a low blow. And yeah it hurt. I just dont see why she felt the need to put me through that. Why would she intentionally seek to hurt someone she used to care about?

 

 

It is impossible to know why she behaved this way, we can only guess. Perhaps she wanted an ego boost and wanted to see if you were hurting or perhaps she is upset that you have not been in contact and are moving on. Like I said, the exes can bring the crazy making behaviour. I think all you can do in this situation is keep your cool, which it sounds like you did very well, and take care of yourself first.

[realistic1817]

Rockies2505,

 

I know none of the responses you have gotten has fully given you an acceptable answer into the mindset of your ex. All we can tell you that what she did was an emotional response and it was a reaction to some perceived slight she is feeling towards you at this time. When a person is in the "fog" they don't necessarily see things the way you would see them. She is not reacting from a perspective of "I know he cares and loves me." If she were you two would be on better terms. The best thing you can do and dare I say the only thing you can do is try not to worry about "why" she reacted the way she did because it will only make you obsess about something you can't control or change.

What you must do is keep working on yourself which is the only thing you can 100% control.

[Shane Falco]

Why though? What is she trying to accomplish? I have no use for any of these things

 

This is a pointless question. It doesn't matter what she's trying to accomplish -- she has her own reasons and they could be varied. Instead of trying to solve her, you need to concentrate on you. You're a dog trying to chase it's own tail right now. You aren't going to move forward by doing that. You need to focus on yourself, because that's what you can control.

[Collegeguy2]

Rockies2505,

Maybe you should have just not accepted the gifts.

 

No one knows why your ex did this and only time will tell.

[Rockies2505]

All of you are right. It is pointless to wonder why. It's not going to get me anywhere. I was just perplexed about it. I guess all there is to do at this point is to keep moving forward and put this behind me

[ThatwasThen]

All of you are right. It is pointless to wonder why. It's not going to get me anywhere. I was just perplexed about it. I guess all there is to do at this point is to keep moving forward and put this behind me

Snipped and reposting to say> Yes, just move forward and do everything you can to get thoughts of her out of your head. Change the subject of her as soon as she pops in your thoughts. No dwelling. It will help you to put it all behind you much quicker if you do.

[Collegeguy2]

Rockies2505,

Good luck on your journey. You're not alone I'm going through the same.