Dissapointed and confused

[wanderlustedme]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months. 4 months "officially". Our relationship is great. We have a great connection both mentally and physically, we have the same morals and values and always have a lot of fun together. He's 33 and I'm 28. My family adore him, as do my friends and most of the time, he makes me very happy. We don't live together as it's too soon and I have a few concerns.

 

I have brushed off these concerns for a while now but today was the icing on the cake. I am after some honest opinions and thoughts regarding my current situation.

 

1. Boyfriend is alway strapped for cash. I pay for most things as money isn't a huge object to me and I'm glad to help when needed. He owes me about $1000 at this stage. The reason for him being in financal difficulty is due to him taking out previous "shark loans" a year ago. Given the high interest it has been quite challenging and he is slowly paying it off on a monthly basis.

 

2. I am yet to meet a single one of his friends of family members. He isn't close with his family as they live two hours away and rarely sees them. He doesn't see him friends much either as almost all are married with children so they don't have a lot of free time.

 

3. Christmas 2015 I bought him a storm trooper helmet as he loves star wars. I didn't receive anything.

 

4. Easter 2016, he had agreed to go to my parents for a family lunch. The plans were changed last minute and lunch was relocated to my grandfathers house with another 4 family members. He is yet to meet them and freaked out about meeting the large group and decided not to come.

 

5. It was his birthday a few months ago and I wanted to make him feel special. I made a box of goodies, bought him a golf day out, cooked a 3 course meal and drew up a menu.

 

It is my birthday this weekend and I recently received a text from him saying - I'm so, so sorry but I'm going to be the worst boyfriend ever as I'm broke and won't have anything for you this weekend.

 

I'm really upset by this. I don't give two hoots about a birthday gift, that's not what this is about. I do so, so much for him and I'm always giving in our relationship. This is the one time he could truly make me feel a little special. I don't care if he made a card and cooked me dinner. It's the thought behind it and that's what I would have loved.

 

I explained this to him and told him I needed some time to think things over.

 

Am I over reacting and being horrible? This was just the icing on the cake for me. I feel so unloved and unappreciated that I've hit breaking point.

 

Thanks in advance for your replies x

[shellyf62]

Call me shallow, but I would have been gone as soon as I received nothing for Xmas. I have had times when I have been short of cash, but my family always receive something for Xmas, birthdays, easter........

 

So he cant even buy you a card & some cheap flowers? What a joke

 

Can I ask what you actually get from this relationship? he mooches money from you, wont meet your family & doesnt care about your feelings.

 

PS: Happy Birthday for this weekend, mine is Saturday

[Ms Darcy]

I think in large part you have created a situation where you will soon resent him. He's a grown man and you are his gf of only 4 months. You have no business loaning him money and you REALLY need to put a stop to that asap. And if he can't contribute to activities, stop doing things that cost money or at least severely cut back. He sounds like a moocher here and not a man.

 

Not meeting his family/not wanting to meet your family is more normal to me. You've only been his gf for four months. Meeting family is a pretty big milestone and you two are still in the honeymoon stage - far from a couple with a solid future.

 

Regarding X-mas and Birthday presents, I am a strong believer you have to have a clear conversation about WHAT you expect for those occasions. This particular issue makes so many women unhappy but they don't communicate expectations BEFORE so some guys who are less "on top of things" may just not know what to do or forget about it.

 

Ultimately, I think the money issue is the biggest issue here. Other things can be worked out over time if he's game.

[irka000]

You have no idea how upset I am about your situation....wow...you just reminded me of the biggest heart break I had....

This man, surely will be the sweetest man for you cause it doesn't cost him nothing ! There is a partially your fault in here as you were over giving from the start. You mentioned yourself that you doing so much for him. So he gladly takes it !! Why wouldn't he???

You went soooo out of your way for his big days ...he played dumb for yours....really????????

Please evaluate your relationship as to me it sounds not as rosy....

Some time ago I was deeply in love with a man who was also in relationships with a few other women (till now, have no idea how he did that)...he was telling me the same - he pays off big loan, dad back home needs expensive medication ...so silly me -didn't expect nothing from him.....and he never came up with any gift for me either lol I even borrowed him money for his dad hospital....only to find out later- he used my money to buy his other woman a broadband. By the way - he was best boyfriend I ever had- mentally and physically and emotionally we were like ONE lol I added "lol" cause that what I thought .......for 8 months. I was so so sorry for his financial trouble ...I sympathised abd my heart broke when at times he said he only eat toast a day cause it is so tough (by the way -he is a very hard working man - he was area manager for one of the security companies so he made a quite good money) So what did I do??? I was making lunch at home and brought to work for him....or was buying lunch for both of us....unreal.

I did it all from the heart...he did it all with malice and cold calculation

Used my love ....I also went out of ym way for his bday...ordered a cake with his name, make my room covered with balloons (my mouth was in pain from blowing 40 balloons), and all sort of decoration, I bought him two expensive gifts that I could NOT afford.....then I took him for dinner.... few months later I had a big graduation day-he only texted how much he loves me and how proud he was...lol that didn't cost him much....

 

Sorry to bore you with my story but maybe is about time you should really take a closer look at your relationship ....I am sure he has feelings for you but this isn't love ....man who loves would move mountain to treat you. He is enjoying what you offering but in return gives you warm words and affection.... he keeps let you down about important stuff.

Take a step back and really think carefully .... I totally understand everything you said here .

I wish you luck cause you sound like a wonderful person

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he is using you for a free ride and doesn't really want a relationship. It's not about gifts it's about claiming he's so broke and asking you for so much money early on. These are the signs of a scammer and since you are overdoing it by giving him money and things he is taking advantage of it. Ask him to return the money he owes you and end it.

I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months. 4 months "officially". Our relationship is great.He's 33 and I'm 28.

1. Boyfriend is alway strapped for cash. I pay for most things as money isn't a huge object to me and I'm glad to help when needed. He owes me about $1000 at this stage.

2. I am yet to meet a single one of his friends of family members.

3. Christmas 2015 I bought him a storm trooper helmet as he loves star wars. I didn't receive anything.

4. Easter 2016, he had agreed to go to my parents for a family lunch. He is yet to meet them and freaked out and decided not to come.

It is my birthday this weekend and I recently received a text from him saying - I'm so, so sorry but I'm going to be the worst boyfriend ever as I'm broke and won't have anything for you this weekend.

[bulletproof]

I agree that it's not about the gift. It's more about commemorating your bday in some way. He could have taken you for a hike, a picnic, a coffee and dessert, whatever. He could have made a card- that's free.

 

I disagree that you have the same morals and values, because it doesn't sound like you would have taken sketchy loans and gotten yourself into serious debt. How a person handles money is a value, and you guys are not on the same page.

 

What is he doing to pay the debt down faster? Did he take a second job, curtail his spending, sell things? Unless someone is sick, at risk of losing a home or something similarly serious, I don't think he or she should consider taking money. It damages relationships terribly.

[j.man]

You can very well find love dating someone who's broke.

It's very difficult to find love subsidizing one.

 

As Darcy said, the stage has been set to foster nothing but resentment. I can't speak to the guy's character though he doesn't seem the brightest to get involved in rigged loans. It could be he doesn't understand the value of a sentimental gift and feels obligated to give one of value if he's to give one at all. Not a defense, just a possibility.

 

I'd chalk it up as a loss were I you, but if this is something you insist on trying to pursue further, I'd pull him aside and express your desire for some sort of sentiment, even if without any sort of monetary value. I really don't see how this can get much better, though, and I question anyone who is willing to accept money from someone they've only dated a few months.

[Wiseman2]

This a real concern. Agree.

I really don't see how this can get much better, though, and I question anyone who is willing to accept money from someone they've only dated a few months.

[Hermes]

Amazing, or maybe not, the number of individuals out there "on the make and on the take".

[Wiseman2]

Agree. After I saw this, the trivia about the gifts doesn't matter 6537418]is always strapped for cash. I pay for most things. He owes me about $1000 at this stage. I am yet to meet a single one of his friends of family members.

Amazing, or maybe not, the number of individuals out there "on the make and on the take".

[SoulTaker]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months. 4 months "officially". Our relationship is great. We have a great connection both mentally and physically, we have the same morals and values and always have a lot of fun together. He's 33 and I'm 28. My family adore him, as do my friends and most of the time, he makes me very happy. We don't live together as it's too soon and I have a few concerns.

 

Op, the first thing you need to do is re-visit your way of evaluating a relationship. There is no way that there can be a great connection both mentally and physically, with the concerns you've listed.

 

And you don't have the same values and morals. Do you see yourself going to loan sharks, or hitting him up for money, or not coming up with a bday/xmas gift (even if just a card),.... Of course not.

 

This is not a great relationship. Sometimes, it takes going into the relationship to learn about a person (when they have to reveal their true self). Now, you have enough info to make a decision on this man (and it's going to get worse).