I'm starting to resent men.

[faraday]

I don't think she has a specific list. Your list seemed pretty picky. She needs to get a few dates in. All that interest stuff will come naturally for her in time. She's only 23. I have no idea how old you are, but you said you STARTED dating 6 years ago...and you just now got engaged. (congrats by the way)...so I highly doubt your fiancee was your first dater.

 

I understand what you are trying to say.. But we need to not overhaul her with "get a hobby, find an interest".. It's not like she's a goldfish in a small fish tank with nothing that interests her.

 

She said she doesn't go out and she doesn't have friends.

 

If you don't leave your house outside of work, and you don't have friends...1) how are you going to meet people to date 2) who is going to date someone that has no life?

 

 

Dougie, you giving advice in this thread is like the blind leading the blind.

 

She can listen to you...but then she'll probably end up in the same place you're in. Or she can take advice from people that have been successful in the goals she wants.

 

When you're driving (or riding a bike) you can't watch got wheels, you'll crash- you have to look ahead to where you want to go...it keeps the car/bike from crashing.

[TMifune]

Dougie, you giving advice in this thread is like the blind leading the blind.

 

She can listen to you...but then she'll probably end up in the same place you're in. Or she can take advice from people that have been successful in the goals she wants.

 

When you're driving (or riding a bike) you can't watch got wheels, you'll crash- you have to look ahead to where you want to go...it keeps the car/bike from crashing.

 

So, you just took a guy who feels like women think he doesn't have anything to offer, and told him that until women start thinking he has something to offer he literally has nothing to offer.

 

I just thought I'd point that out in case you'd like to rethink whether you'd like to extend even the tiniest bit of compassion.

[Moontiger]

I think you read way to much into that. Dougie has been here for years refusing to take advise or grow up. That is faraday is referring to.

[faraday]

So, you just took a guy who feels like women think he doesn't have anything to offer, and told him that until women start thinking he has something to offer he literally has nothing to offer.

 

I just thought I'd point that out in case you'd like to rethink whether you'd like to extend even the tiniest bit of compassion.

 

What Moontiger said. It's been a few years of threads every month. I started out giving Dougie advice that helped me...and I still do...I was the one that told him to buy an actual mattress and stop sleeping on an air mattress (or a used single mattress that a friend was throwing out- eww). We've talked about how he can't pile clothes on the floor, he needs a dresser...how he needs regular hair cuts, to wear more fitted clothing....TM, I have given Dougie so many tips on how to fit in (so he can attract women) and most of the time he ignores it. At this point I know he won't take advice- he's admitted he just comes here for kicks, not to actually change.

 

I have extended him tons of compassion...and he apparently doesn't even remember me lol. So...*shrugs* im moving on to someone else that will hopefully listen to advice and change her life.

 

I changed my life because of forum advice...back in the day on the eHarmony advice forum. That place helped me so much....I was clueless!

[TMifune]

What Moontiger said. It's been a few years of threads every month. I started out giving Dougie advice that helped me...and I still do...I was the one that told him to buy an actual mattress and stop sleeping on an air mattress (or a used single mattress that a friend was throwing out- eww). We've talked about how he can't pile clothes on the floor, he needs a dresser...how he needs regular hair cuts, to wear more fitted clothing....TM, I have given Dougie so many tips on how to fit in (so he can attract women) and most of the time he ignores it. At this point I know he won't take advice- he's admitted he just comes here for kicks, not to actually change.

 

I have extended him tons of compassion...and he apparently doesn't even remember me lol. So...*shrugs* im moving on to someone else that will hopefully listen to advice and change her life.

 

I changed my life because of forum advice...back in the day on the eHarmony advice forum. That place helped me so much....I was clueless!

 

My issue isn't that you're frustrated, or that you can't keep offering him advice when he seems not to take it. I get that. You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

 

My issue is that:

 

Dougie, you giving advice in this thread is like the blind leading the blind.

 

She can listen to you...but then she'll probably end up in the same place you're in. Or she can take advice from people that have been successful in the goals she wants.

 

Reads an awful lot like "sit down and shut-up" to me. And you're talking to someone who struggles with demonstrating to women that he has romantic value. Your second line here is quite literally you telling him that he has nothing to offer in the way of advice because he hasn't been "successful" yet. You've just told him that until he can demonstrate that he has romantic value, he doesn't even have platonic value.

 

Men who struggle romantically as much as Dougie can internalize that message. "If I don't have a romantic relationship I'm worthless". So telling him that even outside of a romantic relationship that he has nothing to offer until he gets "success" at romance is just going to reinforce that negative message.

 

I understand the frustration, I just don't like the message.

[faraday]

My issue isn't that you're frustrated, or that you can't keep offering him advice when he seems not to take it. I get that. You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

 

My issue is that:

 

 

 

Reads an awful lot like "sit down and shut-up" to me. And you're talking to someone who struggles with demonstrating to women that he has romantic value. Your second line here is quite literally you telling him that he has nothing to offer in the way of advice because he hasn't been "successful" yet. You've just told him that until he can demonstrate that he has romantic value, he doesn't even have platonic value.

 

Men who struggle romantically as much as Dougie can internalize that message. "If I don't have a romantic relationship I'm worthless". So telling him that even outside of a romantic relationship that he has nothing to offer until he gets "success" at romance is just going to reinforce that negative message.

 

I understand the frustration, I just don't like the message.

 

 

You often take offence to what I say...so I'm not sure if I can say anything to placate you. I think we just see the world differently. I'm results oriented...so I don't get it when people don't take charge of their lives.

 

Would you take financial advice from someone homeless or someone wealthy?

[TMifune]

You often take offence to what I say...so I'm not sure if I can say anything to placate you. I think we just see the world differently. I'm results oriented...so I don't get it when people don't take charge of their lives.

 

Would you take financial advice from someone homeless or someone wealthy?

 

Well, that depends on what you mean by 'advice'. Frankly, I wouldn't accept either of them as an authority on the matter. I would accept or reject the advice on the advice's merits, not the authority of it's source.

 

It's okay, I don't want you to placate me. I believe you that you've tried repeatedly to give Dougie something to do. And I understand the frustration. I just thought the comment was more damaging than neutral and wanted to point it out.

 

My apologies if my statement was harsher than I intended. I meant only to say that that particular comment seemed devoid of compassion (because I view that comment as damaging rather than helpful or neutral). I certainly didn't intend to imply that you are devoid of compassion.

[justjen]

If i was going to pick the top qualitys in a potential partner it would be

 

Honesty

sense of humour (cliche but isnt enjoying yourself with someone who laughs at the same things great)

optimistic outlook

The right smell (weird but true, if a man smell right it really attracts me to them)

Good communicator

Not afraid of taking a risk

On a shallow note:

I prefer men with hair rather than bald

Over 5ft 6 (I am 5ft 4 and prefer at least a couple of inches so I can wear heals and not feel like a giant)

I prefer overweight to underweight (although I have dated and loved both)

expressive eyes...sometimes they can talk to you without a word being uttered

 

Other than that I have no restrictions, I am more attracted to men with big noses as my kids love to point out...but thats me..

 

Looks although important arent as important as other things (in my opinion)

[faraday]

Well, that depends on what you mean by 'advice'. Frankly, I wouldn't accept either of them as an authority on the matter. I would accept or reject the advice on the advice's merits, not the authority of it's source.

 

It's okay, I don't want you to placate me. I believe you that you've tried repeatedly to give Dougie something to do. And I understand the frustration. I just thought the comment was more damaging than neutral and wanted to point it out.

 

My apologies if my statement was harsher than I intended. I meant only to say that that particular comment seemed devoid of compassion (because I view that comment as damaging rather than helpful or neutral). I certainly didn't intend to imply that you are devoid of compassion.

 

I get it.

 

Sometimes when your kid does something once or twice (or depending on what it is maybe 8 times) and you correct them politely repeatedly. Then there's that point where after so many times of repeating yourself that you finally snap and yell. Not to be a jerkface, but because you hit your point where you're like, "ahhh why don't you get it?!?!?"

 

And every time you yell, your kid looks at you like..."why are you being a raging psycho b*tch, mom?" And you think, "dammit, I was calm the first 56 times I asked you!"

 

Sometimes people need to be jarred/startled/whatever to get them to hear you. Or your just background noise.

 

Besides that, if he hadn't been giving me flack about my advice (that he doesn't even understand), I wouldn't have said anything to him.

 

I'm saying...become better, create opportunities to meet people, make options for yourself so you're not approaching dating from a place of desperation and no options. And he doesn't understand it because he chooses not to improve his dating opportunities beyond the bare minimum. And that's cool, that's his choice...but don't give others reasons to dismiss good advice because you're too scared/unmotivated/whatever to do it yourself.

 

What's wrong with raising the bar for yourself and for those around you?

[Dougie_D]

Wow... I try to give advice/suggestions to someone who I feel resembles how I feel about life, romance, self-esteem, looks, etc... and I get BASHED for it?

 

We all know that the reason why people become therapists is because they have their own problem they can't fix. Just because I have a hard time doesn't mean I'm not allowed to suggest or give advice.

 

OP, I'm sorry if it feels like I'm sabotaging your thread, but I wanted to defend myself.

[browneyedgirl36]

I've read this whole thread -- and Dougie's -- and I can see all sides of this. I totally get being stuck in a particular mindset ("no one wants to date me," "I'll never find love," "men/women are terrible," "life is unfair," etc.) I went through my share of that back in the day. I was always the "friend girl" -- the one all the guys wanted as a friend but not a girlfriend -- and it made me sad, frustrated, and for awhile, resentful. It also made me feel terrible about myself and put me in the mindset that I "wasn't girlfriend material." I carried that with me for a long time, but after years of feeling bad, I couldn't take it anymore. At some point, I stopped lamenting what was wrong and changed that into questioning, "OK, what can I do about it?"

 

So, that's why I understand the other end of things, too. I am now VERY proactive in my life. If something's not working, if something's not going the way I want it to, if I'm unhappy with some aspect of my life, the FIRST place I go to now -- as opposed to 20 years ago, when I would have gone to the defeatist "life's not fair" place -- is the "what can I do to change this situation?" place. I was about 40 pounds overweight about a decade ago, and I lost 25 pounds (slowly, but in a healthy way) and I have kept it off. I was unhappy with other aspects of my life, too -- where I was living, the amount of debt I had, etc. -- and I worked on those things too, eventually buying a house and paying off a lot of debt. Again, these things happened slowly, over time, and they wouldn't have happened at all if I hadn't had the attitude that I could do it.

 

I understand that some circumstances are harder than others, and that people tend to brush off the advice to "get a better attitude," but I'm telling you, from hard experience, the most significant thing that has contributed to me getting past obstacles in my life was changing my thinking. A person can go on a diet and lose weight -- as I had done MANY times prior to the last time I did it -- but if that person's view of him or herself doesn't change, chances are the weight will come back on, and even if it doesn't, that person will still feel bad. I had failed at weight loss so many times because I didn't see myself as attractive or worthy, so while it was easy to be negative and say things like "ugh, you're so fat, you need to lose weight," and exercise like crazy and starve myself, when I finally started seeing myself differently and saying different things to myself, I lost weight (without starving OR exercising myself to death) AND I've kept it off for over a decade. That couldn't have happened if I had stayed stuck in my negative mindset.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but you have to care enough about yourself and value yourself enough to stop the negative thinking and ask yourself instead, "what can I do to change this?" Good changes often come over time, with a lot of effort. It takes dedication. It takes being able to handle disappointment without resorting to "woe is me" thinking.

 

I've said this to a few people in my life before, and I'll say it here: Life is not fair. Never has been. Never will be. The best we can do is do the best we can or ourselves. We can either give up, or we can do something else. Which are you going to do?

 

I know all of these things are easier said than done, but I have come to realize that nothing worth having comes easily.

 

I think that both the OP here AND Dougie can find someone, but it may take a lot more time, a lot more soul-searching, a change in attitude, and a lot of dedication to overcoming obstacles.

[reinventmyself]

I think it may do Dougie well if he was able to step outside of his dilemma and advise someone else.

 

It's the same theory as giving back or volunteering builds self esteem or some form of altruism.

He may learn something from his own advise.

Who knows?

[faraday]

Oh good god, this is very dramatic Dougie, you just keep doing whatever you want, it's working great

[justjen]

Wow... I try to give advice/suggestions to someone who I feel resembles how I feel about life, romance, self-esteem, looks, etc... and I get BASHED for it?

 

We all know that the reason why people become therapists is because they have their own problem they can't fix. Just because I have a hard time doesn't mean I'm not allowed to suggest or give advice.

 

OP, I'm sorry if it feels like I'm sabotaging your thread, but I wanted to defend myself.

 

Thats a fair point Dougie, Your opinions are just as valid as others on this forum and you have every right to contribute

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.