I'm starting to resent men.

[Miss thing]

I read this whole post. I think the reason your single is pretty simple....

 

. You have a negative and victim mindset

. You're shy which can be a handicap when dating (or in life in general)

. You haven't made any substantial effort to date (online, speed dating, set up through friends, starting conversations....)

.Appearance is probably a factor, so make the best out of what you've got. But I would say the former things mentioned are more important.

[Pixels]

I read this whole post. I think the reason your single is pretty simple....

 

. You have a negative and victim mindset

. You're shy which can be a handicap when dating (or in life in general)

. You haven't made any substantial effort to date (online, speed dating, set up through friends, starting conversations....)

.Appearance is probably a factor, so make the best out of what you've got. But I would say the former things mentioned are more important.

 

Mostly agreed...

 

Being a man in your position is much, much harder. Some guys would be turned on that the fact you don't have much experience. But vice versa?

 

As a man who started dating in his early 20's, every woman I knew well enough to discuss sexual history with reacted positively. It really depends how you view it. Not that I didn't want to start earlier or anything, it just wasn't in the cards, and honestly any relationship I had during that time probably wouldn't have been healthy anyways. I also had the perception to recognize the factors underlying my situation, and didn't wear it as a badge of shame (it wasn't easy or anything, it really sucked... Point is it doesn't define you)...

 

The most negative response I ever got were questions about it... Basic questions, mostly "didn't this ever happen?" "didn't you ever do such and such that lead to something?". Honestly most of the questions were honest questions and appreciated the contrast of experience... On the other hand, some women blatantly offered to "change that". At best, it made women feel more comfortable about things... So... I don't think either gender is necessarily handicapped by their past sex-life... If there's any imbalance at all, it's that women have a lower number of partners they're "allowed" to have before seeming sleazy, compared to what's encouraged for men.

 

It's really more about putting yourself out there and making an effort... Sure, people are going to consider your physical appearance, and it's a real factor, but considering the gamut of sexual attraction and the number of couples with a clear imbalance in physical qualities, it's not the hardest problem to overcome...

 

If you really can't get over the physical appearance aspect, I can almost guarantee that at least one culture would have considered your appearance ideal... It might not be in fashion now, but that doesn't mean there aren't guys noticing you...

 

I get in my own way. I know. I don't know how to flip the switch and be "normal" though. I suspect I'll HAVE to be comfortable with my appearance before I can even think of approaching guys.

 

I don't see it as learning to "be normal". I think it's about getting comfortable in your own skin... I think a significant proportion of adult relationships don't align with what society portrays as "normal". Truth is most adult couples don't really care when their partner had their first kiss, lost their virginity, or any of that cr*p... That's trivial infantile stuff...

 

The fact that you've struggled with these things is just part of you. As a result of your experience you've reflected heavily on yourself, and you've had a unique opportunity to observe other relationships from an outside perspective. You probably have objective insights on particular aspects of relationships that many people struggle to see through due to their own personal involvements...

 

It's not necessarily a strength, but it doesn't have to be a weakness, either... It just is what it is... If you try to quantify your quality of life by comparing yourself to others, you'll always be disappointed... From my experience, the people who are destined to be miserable are the people who give up on options. They might not always be great options, but any step forward will give you footing to recover and push forward if you slide back...

[Man with Dog]

I don't know if I'm buying that someone who writes "I could just die alone" (or starts a thread like this, or names herself forever alone) is actually quite jovial in real life.

 

You can call it "blaming" you if you want. But the fact is, you and only you are in charge of your life. So you can blame everyone else, such as all men, or you can make changes that help you get what you want. You have mentioned here and in prior threads that you're shy, self-conscious about your physical appearance, don't have any friends, are unhappy, and so on. None of those things are conducive to meeting someone to date, unfortunately.

 

To be honest, I felt like that but am becoming increasingly aware that there is not much under individual control. 30 odd years ago you could just jump into a higher-paid job, for example, but not today!

[Dougie_D]

From my experience, the people who are destined to be miserable are the people who give up on options. They might not always be great options, but any step forward will give you footing to recover and push forward if you slide back..

 

I agree that having a better life is about having options. The problem is that for some people it's hard to get any options. For me, especially with women, my "options" come about twice a year. (that's the average I go on dates on).

 

For the OP, I don't how many "options" you have or get.. But I would tell you that it's OKAY to go out on a date a guy you might not originally be interested in. Every single guy will put 100%of their best selves on the first date. So maybe the guy will surprise you. Now... if after the first date, there still isn't any connection or so, then DO NOT GO ON THE SECOND. If you do, you are not being honest with yourself and you'll start to lead the guy on.

 

The most negative response I ever got were questions about it... Basic questions, mostly "didn't this ever happen?" "didn't you ever do such and such that lead to something?". Honestly most of the questions were honest questions and appreciated the contrast of experience... On the other hand, some women blatantly offered to "change that". At best, it made women feel more comfortable about things... So... I don't think either gender is necessarily handicapped by their past sex-life... If there's any imbalance at all, it's that women have a lower number of partners they're "allowed" to have before seeming sleazy, compared to what's encouraged for men.

 

That's suggesting that someone had a sex-life at all. You said it in the last paragraph.. For men there is more pressure to have sex, kiss, etc... For a man in his mid-thirties to not even kiss, you could imagine it can actually be a deal breaker for women.

[Dougie_D]

I also want to point out, that you might be too hard on yourself. Looking back at my life, I learned that I probably shouldn't have worried so much about women. Growing up, my father always talked about his "womanizer stories"... and sadly, I always thought I was going to be that good with the ladies as how he was. Also, I have many friends that just did well with the ladies. I mean..dang, my roommate gets recruited to be on dating shows. And my other friends were voted "best looking" in highschool. But I've noticed that (working with a bunch of co-worker who range from 19-38) that a lot of my co-workers haven't had many relationships either. Same with some of the women.

 

So basically what I'm saying is... you just may have been surrounded by women who get men super easy. Maybe your mom dated a lot, maybe you have a sister or cousin that dates or dated a lot. So when you are surrounded by people having success, you think you should too! Because we are family or friends, we should all be the same, right?

 

When I think about my situation like that, I feel better, and I'm not too hard on myself. You don't know every single person's dating life. You can assume it, but you just don't know.. you only know who are close to you.

[Man with Dog]

That's suggesting that someone had a sex-life at all. You said it in the last paragraph.. For men there is more pressure to have sex, kiss, etc... For a man in his mid-thirties to not even kiss, you could imagine it can actually be a deal breaker for women.

 

You don't have to advertise this sort of thing on a first date.

[Man with Dog]

I also want to point out, that you might be too hard on yourself. Looking back at my life, I learned that I probably shouldn't have worried so much about women. Growing up, my father always talked about his "womanizer stories"... and sadly, I always thought I was going to be that good with the ladies as how he was. Also, I have many friends that just did well with the ladies. I mean..dang, my roommate gets recruited to be on dating shows. And my other friends were voted "best looking" in highschool. But I've noticed that (working with a bunch of co-worker who range from 19-38) that a lot of my co-workers haven't had many relationships either. Same with some of the women.

 

So basically what I'm saying is... you just may have been surrounded by women who get men super easy. Maybe your mom dated a lot, maybe you have a sister or cousin that dates or dated a lot. So when you are surrounded by people having success, you think you should too! Because we are family or friends, we should all be the same, right?

 

When I think about my situation like that, I feel better, and I'm not too hard on myself. You don't know every single person's dating life. You can assume it, but you just don't know.. you only know who are close to you.

 

I was a late bloomer. I married my first proper girlfriend and suffered the consequences. I haven't dated much but I'm 20something years into my 2nd marriage.

[John John]

You don't have to advertise this sort of thing on a first date.

 

This is very true, don't advertise this, but there is definitely a stigma as Dougie says. I recently overheard a group of women straight up giggling and overtly making fun of a guy who was 33 and a virgin. I know he had been through a lot in his life that hindered his chances, but man, it was sad.

 

There is more pressure on women to look good (though this is evening out), but more pressure on men probably in every other way.

[TheRawTruth]

I see some people are saying "your negative attitude is causing these problems." I don't want to say that, though, because my guess is that these problems are causing the negative attitude. You're probably negative BECAUSE men have been too superficial to give you a chance.

 

My question is this: Are you willing to give all MEN a chance too? (Or "were" you?) Or are you looking to a certain level of attractiveness before you'll go for a man? I'm trying to get an idea as to your feelings on things.

[TheRawTruth]

I, too, am becoming irritated with the whole dating thing. I have been divorced for 6 years and not one date. Not one. Now, at first I was hurting and not in the market. I can understand how that might project itself unwittingly and keep me single. But I'm out of that phase(most of the time), and I cannot understand the lack of activity. Then I see the men around me with all of these young things, and even the ones who are with someone their own age, the woman is usually seriously made up, or obviously putting it out there. I am not going to do that. I think I'm still relatively attractive for 44. I'm educated, intelligent, people tell me I'm funny. So what's happening? I have a friend who is about the same age, we're both petite, both blonde and blue but she has this incredibly vapid, shallow thing going (she's faking, she's really very smart), while I'm more reserved, which can come across as dismissive. She moved here and within a month had a steady boyfriend. They broke up in December and she had another steady boyfriend by March! What the heck? So, because I'm not willing to wear a lot of makeup, or low cut clothes, or act like a simpering fool, I will be single? Wouldn't people rather have an intelligent conversation with someone you connect with?

 

I'm almost CERTAIN that most of that was by your own choice. Not that you didn't want a date (although you said SOME of that time was you not being ready) but more likely that you weren't trying to get a date. Either that or you're EXTREMELY picky about the men you'll give a chance to. In which case, most of your options become NON-options before they're even given the chance to BE options. Now, if you're saying not ONE single man has even APPROACHED you in these six years, that could lead us to the part in red...

 

If you come off as dismissive, or uninterested (either in men, or the venue) it can deter men from approaching you. Even in conversation, in can quickly cause a man to exit if you seem bored, too reserved, shy, disinterested, etc. If you give off ANY of those vibes, you're turning 90% of men OFF. That's just how it is.

 

I don't think you have to necessarily do all those things (though makeup and showing skin does HELP). I just think you have to make more of an EFFORT. Introduce yourself to people. Approach a man you find attractive. Make small talk. Create a dating profile online. Send messages. Respond to the ones that are sent to YOU. Those are the things that will generate a lot more options (dates) for you to choose from. You can't just sit back and wait for them to flock to you. I know that happens a lot, so women expect it, but if it hasn't been working in six YEARS of trying it, it's time to try something different.

[maker]

This is very true, don't advertise this, but there is definitely a stigma as Dougie says. I recently overheard a group of women straight up giggling and overtly making fun of a guy who was 33 and a virgin. I know he had been through a lot in his life that hindered his chances, but man, it was sad.

 

There is more pressure on women to look good (though this is evening out), but more pressure on men probably in every other way.

 

This is exactly the sort of thing I'm dreading, being subject to this infantile level of judgment. Considered less of a man not for what I've done but rather because of things I haven't. And let's face it, 27 is not that far away from being 33 and still stuck in the same catch 22 situation.

[ForevahAlone]

I agree that having a better life is about having options. The problem is that for some people it's hard to get any options. For me, especially with women, my "options" come about twice a year. (that's the average I go on dates on).

 

 

 

For the OP, I don't how many "options" you have or get.. But I would tell you that it's OKAY to go out on a date a guy you might not originally be interested in. Every single guy will put 100%of their best selves on the first date. So maybe the guy will surprise you. Now... if after the first date, there still isn't any connection or so, then DO NOT GO ON THE SECOND. If you do, you are not being honest with yourself and you'll start to lead the guy on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's suggesting that someone had a sex-life at all. You said it in the last paragraph.. For men there is more pressure to have sex, kiss, etc... For a man in his mid-thirties to not even kiss, you could imagine it can actually be a deal breaker for women.

 

 

I'd be glad to go on a date with any smart, nice guy. I don't get asked out though. At all. By anyone. Lol.

[ForevahAlone]

I see some people are saying "your negative attitude is causing these problems." I don't want to say that, though, because my guess is that these problems are causing the negative attitude. You're probably negative BECAUSE men have been too superficial to give you a chance.

 

 

 

My question is this: Are you willing to give all MEN a chance too? (Or "were" you?) Or are you looking to a certain level of attractiveness before you'll go for a man? I'm trying to get an idea as to your feelings on things.

 

 

Looks don't matter to me. I just want someone who likes me. Lol. Someone that I can actually talk to.

[faraday]

I don't have any friends and I don't really go anywhere outside of work.

 

So you're smart....not very good looking, have no friends...no hobbies outside your home, self esteem issues and a negative attitude.

 

Maybe it's time to think about what you have to offer someone else in a relationship?

 

Just saying.

 

Smart is good. But you have to bring more to the table. You sound like some of the guys on here, "I have a car. I'm have a job. I'm not addicted to drugs and I won't beat her. I'm a nice guy. Why won't anyone date me?" Because...that's just the basics of what is required...barely the minimum.

 

Most people want to be with someone that enriches their life...adds value....makes things fun and interesting. Maybe work on becoming a person that a guy you'd want to date would be interested in dating. Go out. Make friends. Develop hobbies.

[faraday]

The right ones don't. From the moment I met my now fiance, our relationship has brought me nothing but peace and security. Do we argue? Yes, we're human. Do I sometimes want to wring his neck because he's too stubborn to ask for directions, or because we can't agree on a new bedspread because he's far too picky? Of course. But there's been no drama, no pain.

 

You just buy the bedspread you want, wash it and get it on the bed while he's out...and throw out the old one out and pretend it never existed. "New bedspread? This old thing??"

 

 

[ForevahAlone]

So you're smart....not very good looking, have no friends...no hobbies outside your home, self esteem issues and a negative attitude.

 

Maybe it's time to think about what you have to offer someone else in a relationship?

 

Just saying.

 

Smart is good. But you have to bring more to the table. You sound like some of the guys on here, "I have a car. I'm have a job. I'm not addicted to drugs and I won't beat her. I'm a nice guy. Why won't anyone date me?" Because...that's just the basics of what is required...barely the minimum.

 

Most people want to be with someone that enriches their life...adds value....makes things fun and interesting. Maybe work on becoming a person that a guy you'd want to date would be interested in dating. Go out. Make friends. Develop hobbies.

 

 

 

 

Jesus. Okay. I have nothing to offer. I don't care. I'm just over this conversation. I'm beginning to wonder how so many perfect people need to post on a site like this.

[justjen]

Jesus. Okay. I have nothing to offer. I don't care. I'm just over this conversation. I'm beginning to wonder how so many perfect people need to post on a site like this.

 

Thats a clever observation, and your quite right, none of us on here are perfect. We all found this site because of some concern that in an ideal world we would be able to deal with by communicating with real friends but this place gives a broader spectrum of life experiences. I came here with one problem and stayed to see if I can help others, I think a lot of people do....but your right none of us are perfect. Have a good day

[faraday]

Jesus. Okay. I have nothing to offer. I don't care. I'm just over this conversation. I'm beginning to wonder how so many perfect people need to post on a site like this.

 

Idk why you think anyone offering advice thinks they're perfect. I'm not. I'm offering this advice because I've lived it.

 

When I started dating 6 years ago I wasn't attracting the quality of men I wanted. So I started thinking about the kind of guy I wanted...he would have an interesting life. He would have a life full of friends and hobbies. He would have a career, not a job. He'd be successful. Funny. Kind. He volunteers. And...He would be looking to date someone that brings as much to the table as he does. So...I found my passions...my interests. I went back to school. I took big risks in life to become the best version of myself possible. I volunteer in my community. I read self help books on getting over my baggage from my childhood...I became the kind of woman my dream guy would be attracted to.

 

Now...I'm engaged to him. My kind, funny, career-driven, champion rock climbing, rugged, handsome, board game nerd fiancé is the manifestation of all my hard work.

 

It wasn't easy to get here. It won't be for you either. But being on the other side...I can tell you, it's totally worth the effort.

 

So. You can think about what I said. Or get defensive and keep doing what you're doing...how's that going to work different for you?

[TheRawTruth]

Looks don't matter to me. I just want someone who likes me. Lol. Someone that I can actually talk to.

 

Have you tried online dating? Like I said to Shelby, if you're not the type to approach a man in person, try something less forward. Online, you are much more likely to get approached by men who want to talk. Go from there. I know you said you're insecure about your looks, but you also said you're average looking. So you can't be TOO bad. It couldn't hurt to give it a shot.

[Man with Dog]

This is exactly the sort of thing I'm dreading, being subject to this infantile level of judgment. Considered less of a man not for what I've done but rather because of things I haven't. And let's face it, 27 is not that far away from being 33 and still stuck in the same catch 22 situation.

 

I'm not sure how these things change over time. I could quite easily say that when you see the 6 and 0 looming on the horizon that the age you lost your virginity is somewhat less important than how your pension is shaping up.

 

Then, I do remember being 20 and most of my friends left university as virgins. I don't think anyone should advertise whether we are or not. In a recent conversation about family, I casually mentioned that I was on my 2nd marriage. I neither advertise nor hide it and only mention it when it becomes relevant.

 

I think there's more 30 and 40 year old virgins about than anyone realises. People have trouble getting partners for a variety of reasons and not simply because they are unattractive. Most people prefer their first time to be within a relationship. Like there's a lot of talk about double standards, it seems unfair that older male virgins are stigmatised, whereas female ones are admired.

[shiner501]

I am sorry how you feel but you should be aware that many men get an equally difficult time from women. You mustn't live with the notion that "all men are the same" any more than we men think that all women are the same. They aren't; most men want to be part of something loving and wonderful just as much as women do.

[shiner501]

Have you tried online dating? Like I said to Shelby, if you're not the type to approach a man in person, try something less forward. Online, you are much more likely to get approached by men who want to talk. Go from there. I know you said you're insecure about your looks, but you also said you're average looking. So you can't be TOO bad. It couldn't hurt to give it a shot.

 

^^^^^^ This^^^^^^

On line dating is a mainstream way of meeting potential partners nowadays. It does not have the stigma of geeks and saddos like it used to do. You can meet some wonderful men and women who could be right up your street.

[jennylove]

So what have you been doing to make this "your year?"

I remember feeling the same way as you when I was in my 20s. I couldn't figure out why nobody was interested in me. And then one day, I decided to start wearing a little bit of makeup and to start dressing better. It worked!!

 

And then in my early 30s, another dry spell. But once I shed the weighg that I gained, it changed my life.

 

And listen to this story: I work with a lady who is about to get married for the first time, she's 33. She met her fiancé on an airplane when she was 30. They were assigned seats together and they hit it off. He asked her why she took a solo vacation to Europe, and she explained that she, age 30, just had a double mastectomy, and she therefore needed to do something for herself. It didn't stop him from asking her out. She jokes today that she met someone when she had no boobs, therefore, she believes anyone can find someone.

 

My point is, grab the bull by the horns. You need not look like a model, but dress yourself up. When you look good, you feel good, you work better, etc. Someone will notice.

[Dougie_D]

Idk why you think anyone offering advice thinks they're perfect. I'm not. I'm offering this advice because I've lived it.

 

When I started dating 6 years ago I wasn't attracting the quality of men I wanted. So I started thinking about the kind of guy I wanted...he would have an interesting life. He would have a life full of friends and hobbies. He would have a career, not a job. He'd be successful. Funny. Kind. He volunteers. And...He would be looking to date someone that brings as much to the table as he does. So...I found my passions...my interests. I went back to school. I took big risks in life to become the best version of myself possible. I volunteer in my community. I read self help books on getting over my baggage from my childhood...I became the kind of woman my dream guy would be attracted to.

 

Now...I'm engaged to him. My kind, funny, career-driven, champion rock climbing, rugged, handsome, board game nerd fiancé is the manifestation of all my hard work.

 

It wasn't easy to get here. It won't be for you either. But being on the other side...I can tell you, it's totally worth the effort.

 

So. You can think about what I said. Or get defensive and keep doing what you're doing...how's that going to work different for you?

 

I don't think she has a specific list. Your list seemed pretty picky. She needs to get a few dates in. All that interest stuff will come naturally for her in time. She's only 23. I have no idea how old you are, but you said you STARTED dating 6 years ago...and you just now got engaged. (congrats by the way)...so I highly doubt your fiancee was your first dater.

 

I understand what you are trying to say.. But we need to not overhaul her with "get a hobby, find an interest".. It's not like she's a goldfish in a small fish tank with nothing that interests her.

[Dougie_D]

So what have you been doing to make this "your year?"

I remember feeling the same way as you when I was in my 20s. I couldn't figure out why nobody was interested in me. And then one day, I decided to start wearing a little bit of makeup and to start dressing better. It worked!!

 

And then in my early 30s, another dry spell. But once I shed the weighg that I gained, it changed my life.

 

And listen to this story: I work with a lady who is about to get married for the first time, she's 33. She met her fiancé on an airplane when she was 30. They were assigned seats together and they hit it off. He asked her why she took a solo vacation to Europe, and she explained that she, age 30, just had a double mastectomy, and she therefore needed to do something for herself. It didn't stop him from asking her out. She jokes today that she met someone when she had no boobs, therefore, she believes anyone can find someone.

 

My point is, grab the bull by the horns. You need not look like a model, but dress yourself up. When you look good, you feel good, you work better, etc. Someone will notice.

 

I agree with this. I never was into fashion at all. I used to not care about getting a haircut, etc.. I started to change things up by actually buying clothes that fit my skin color. Even asked a co-worker to help me buys some clothes. I started to feel a bit better about myself. Like I was starting to belong. Yes it took 33 years to figure that out.. But then again, Los Angeles will force anyone to be more fashionable.

 

And I honestly don't know if you use that much make up, dress up, etc.. but try something different. I wore skinny jeans for a month one time!!! haha