I'm starting to resent men.

[Itsme2033]

...I know I shouldn't subscribe to the idea of "leagues" for dating but it's a reality. Men and women need to be realistic.

.... I want someone on my level......

Leagues very much apply to dating. Of course there are some people who are able to reach beyond their own level, but that is an exception. On this forum, we don't really know you so all we can do is speculate. My first piece of advice is that if you have any close friends, ask them to tell you honestly what they think the problem is. You need to find a way to make sure that they are telling you the truth, and not just trying to spare your feelings.

 

So here's my advice:

 

1) You should closely examine yourself to see if you are keeping yourself in this position because it's the most comfortable for you. I realize that probably sound crazy on its face, but please really try to determine if there is at least an element of truth to that. A lot of people would rather stay with a current misery instead of risking an unknown.

 

2) You need to determine if you are placing yourself in a position where you could be asked out. Do you get involved in activities where there is a good pool of single men? You don't have to go to extreme levels with this, but you do need to make an effort.

 

3) Think about the advice you would give to a friend who was in this same situation. Try to implement the same advice for yourself.

 

4) You need to make sure that your estimate of your league corresponds to reality. This is an issue for a lot of people, both men and women. A stereotypical example would be two New York secretaries talking about how "all the good guys are either married or gay." Of course when their co-workers ask them out on a date, they blow them away with an almost "how dare you" attitude, because they consider their league to be the stockbrokers who make a million dollars a year. I'm not suggesting that you're doing something that bad, but a lot of people look for more than they can reasonably expect to get based on what they bring to the dating market. Think about it like this: If you have $1000 to buy a car and you go to a car lot where everything is $10,000 and up, you will never be able to buy a car. But you'll certainly be able to complain that no one there is willing to sell you a car for what you are offering.

 

5) You mentioned needing surgery and your concern over your appearance. Are you sure that you are not making it into an obstacle when it shouldn't be? I've known some very unattractive people, both men and women who were able to get dates, and to get married. I don't think the universe singled you out to make those options unavailable to you.

 

I remember something I learned a long time ago in one of my advanced public speaking courses. It is: "In life you can choose to get what you want, or you can choose to complain about not getting what you want, but you have to choose. You can't have both." So you should ask yourself if someone actually gave you the advice that would solve your problem would you implement that advice, or would you have a reason why you weren't going to implement the advice?

 

I do wish the best of luck. If you would like additional advice, I suggest that you also share with us an example of the typical way that you would try to meet single men. Give as detailed an explanation as you care to about how you would spend an evening trying to meet men. Also let us know if you have many friends either male of female.

[ForevahAlone]

I don't have any friends and I don't really go anywhere outside of work. About my league; I don't want someone rich, I don't want a Chippendales dancer/male model or anything close. I just want a nice, possibly socially awkward, smart guy. That's it. Short, chunky(lol), whatever.

But I'm not chasing them. Sorry. Can't do it.

[Jean-Luc]

I don't have any friends and I don't really go anywhere outside of work. About my league; I don't want someone rich, I don't want a Chippendales dancer/male model or anything close. I just want a nice, possibly socially awkward, smart guy. That's it. Short, chunky(lol), whatever.

But I'm not chasing them. Sorry. Can't do it.

 

Probably one of the main reasons a lot of women have to settle. The one's who they would want to date and possibly marry won't chase them and neither will they.

 

I look forward to the day when this isn't an issue any longer.

[Jean-Luc]

I guess then the steps would be to work toward getting a job with health insurance, which does pay for functional and some cosmetic issues.

Beyond that, what else have you worked on? The shyness? Building a social life?

Getting back to the subject of this thread, if you are truly starting to resent men, it's probably best to address that. Being resentful certainly isn't going to help you find the things you say you want.

 

I just read a book and then did some more research that proves not everyone can get over shyness. It is very much an inherited trait in some people(or just a trait of them). For some others who are shy it is a very long and gradual process to stop being shy, however it never really goes away. More like they just get better at hiding it.

[ForevahAlone]

I just read a book and then did some more research that proves not everyone can get over shyness. It is very much an inherited trait in some people(or just a trait of them). For some others who are shy it is a very long and gradual process to stop being shy, however it never really goes away. More like they just get better at hiding it.

 

 

The thing is; I've almost gotten over the shyness. I feel almost normal now. I can start conversations now when I never could before last year. I know what the problem for me is and I know what I have to do. I just don't have the money to do it. I guess I just feel like, and this is probably the wrong way to think, if my promiscuous coworker can find a man, I should be able to. Dude chased her. Lol. She also happens to be an otherwise unsavory individual. So I don't know.

[musicman777]

Probably one of the main reasons a lot of women have to settle. The one's who they would want to date and possibly marry won't chase them and neither will they.

 

I look forward to the day when this isn't an issue any longer.

 

lol dude not only do I agree with what you said, but I read your all your posts on this thread in Captain Picard's awesome voice. THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HERAH!

 

The thing is; I've almost gotten over the shyness. I feel almost normal now. I can start conversations now when I never could before last year. I know what the problem for me is and I know what I have to do. I just don't have the money to do it. I guess I just feel like, and this is probably the wrong way to think, if my promiscuous coworker can find a man, I should be able to. Dude chased her. Lol. She also happens to be an otherwise unsavory individual. So I don't know.

 

ForevahAlone, all the advice I have given you including others on here... you still seem to have a very bitter attitude towards this subject. Furthermore, I can smell your resentment and ego through the computer screen... I already don't wanna date you if I ever ran into you. You just sound like you have a very toxic attitude towards dating and men. You sound like you have a sense of entitlement towards dating. I also think that's somewhat rude you judge your coworkers like this. Doesn't everyone deserve to find someone, whatever baggage they got? You sound jealous and bitter that others have success in dating. Look, I get that way myself from time to time. But it's that same kind of bitterness that makes people not wanna date or approach you. It's probably in your very body language.

 

Look, I will say it again; there is nothing wrong with you pursuing a man and asking him out, instead of vice versa. I agree with Captain Picard (shyguy) above 100%. I too look forward to the day where we lose this ridiculous double-standard that men have to do all of the "chasing". It shouldn't be about "chasing". It should just be about genuine interest and attraction towards another human being. And if you are struggling as badly as you say you are, then simply put, you need to be far more proactive in trying to find someone and making some moves yourself. This "sorry, can't do it" attitude stinks. Like I said before, if you see an interesting guy somewhere, just freaking go up and talk to him. Make some moves yourself. Anywhere, grocery store, coffee shop, hell in the car next to you in traffic. You don't have anything to lose by trying to talk to men yourself.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to tell it like it is. You came on here for the truth. Furthermore, you sound a lot like myself. Dig through some of the crap I have vented about on here. Especially with online dating. I used to get extremely mad/frustrated with online dating. I felt like every women should have answered me, I felt like women should have initiated contact with me, yet I got maybe three replies and one measly date with a crater-faced photoshopper out of three months on that site. Also someone I was interested in I met in person last year also put off dating me. You know, that's just the way "the cookie crumbles" sometimes. You just gotta lose the negative/bitter attitude as much as you can and be open to talking with men and trying new things. You also admit you don't have a lot of money and you don't do much to find someone, an active social life or anything. What do you expect? Maybe these are areas to work on if you are serious about finding someone.

[ForevahAlone]

I agree with just about everything you've said. And what I said about my coworker was rude. That's a fact.

 

The only problem I have is with the assertion everyone is making that it's my "attitude" that is putting people off. I am the kind of person that tries to keep my head down and mind my own business. I'm hardly going out in public and regaling everyone with stories of all the nights I spend alone thinking about this bs. I'm sorry that it doesn't fit the "bitter" and letting everyone know it narrative.

 

 

 

I'm actually a pretty jovial person. I always try to downplay the effect this has on me to others. This is the internet. I feel that I can say things here that I can't say to people in real life.

 

 

 

When people ask me why I don't have a bf, and that shiz is really irritating, I just play it off like It's not a big deal. I think people believe me. Idk.

 

 

I've actually reconsidered my stance since starting this thread. I'm not sure it is men that I resent. I think I resent the fact that I don't have the confidence that other women have. They believe they are good enough for someone to love. I'm not sure I'm quite there yet. I think I won't feel it until I sort myself out physically. These thoughts about my appearance spill into every other part of my life. I don't feel smart enough, capable enough, etc to function in society. When I'm amongst other people I feel inept and like I don't belong. I don't know how to change but I'm scared that these feelings will never go away.

^^^Just read that back and I realize that I'm all over the place. That's how my mind works when I'm upset. All of my thoughts get jumbled and I ramble. Sorry.

[justjen]

Give men a chance, some are pretty wonderful. My dad was lovely to my mum, both average looking people (although beautiful too), they were happily married for 40 years, she met him at 23 and he was 32 and after 6 weeks he proposed and 6 months later they were married, so 2 ordinary looking people had a whirlwind romance and it lasted...what I am saying is passion and love doesnt just belong to the "beautiful looking people" it hits you when you least expect it and can come from anywhere.

 

I have 2 sons, the older one is 27 and is what you would consider very good looking and he likes women not based on their looks, in fact he had a stunning girlfriend and hated it because she was so self obsessed about her looks and attention seeking, he felt like he was dating a peacock. My younger son is 23 and he has had 3 serious relationships with what I would call girl next door types, its his type. They havent been stick thin gorgeous creatures but normal women and he adores them

 

I do understand what you are feeling as I met and dated a very shallow man for the last 3 years who seeked to change me to make me his perfect woman, he said I was too fat, should paint my nails, not wear my hair in a certain way...etc etc..I felt ugly and inadequate then I realised he was just the wrong one for me...men are all different, relax and be yourself and I know its a cliche but looks are not important at the end of the day everyone is someones sweetheart

 

 

xx

[Man with Dog]

I think most of us go through phases where we couldn't buy a date for a million dollars and others where interesting potential partners arrive several at a time, like buses. Just about everyone I really know or have know have some insecurities about their physical appearance. The majority of people, especially those over 30 are too fat or too thin. Those that aren't are more likely to be high-maintenance people who spend half their lives in the gym. That's their choice and there's probably a good few people on here who do it. I walk my dog and try and walk at lunchtime, weather permitting. Anything more than that and it would eat too much into my family and personal time. That's my choice. OK, I'm under-height for my weight. I've seen and even dated girls who would be described as obese, yet, despite this, they are still capable of using clothes and make-up to make themselves attractive.

 

I'm sure you'll have a few beholders somewhere.

[PICCOLLO]

Its easy to get bogged down and to cast a net over all men. The reality is that there are men out there that feel the same way.

 

From what you said about your co-worker and a few other bits, you sound jaded and are jealous that someone you consider 'beneath you' can get what you want but you can't.

 

Im also not a fan of someone who thinks they can sit there, do nothing and expect men to flock to them.

 

I think, at heart, you are likely a 'good catch' but attitude and external perception go a long way. Your work colleague probably goes out, meets people and has fun. Thats attractive. People that dont get out and are a bit shy are closed off somewhat to meeting people.

 

There's nothing wrong with pursuing men for the record. The logic that you should be good enough for them to pursue you doesnt hold up in an equal sex society. I guess you could hold on to that attitude or you could ask that guy out you like the look of. Maybe he says yes?

[Batya33]

"when I encounter men, average looking just like me"

 

Men are too superficial and you think that a man you consider to be "average looking" should focus on looks to the extent that they limit themselves to women who somehow they evaluate as also average looking? Maybe a tad superficial to have that level of focus on physical features.

[ForevahAlone]

At this point I could just die alone. That's cool too. 😤 Anyway, I think we have exhausted all of the ways to blame me and only me.

This thread can probably be locked. I've hotten all I can get.

[justjen]

i plan to be single from now on, from what its worth. Nothing to do with men, just I feel more at peace without all the drama and pain that relationships bring xx

[Heather Dawn]

i plan to be single from now on, from what its worth. Nothing to do with men, just I feel more at peace without all the drama and pain that relationships bring xx

 

The right ones don't. From the moment I met my now fiance, our relationship has brought me nothing but peace and security. Do we argue? Yes, we're human. Do I sometimes want to wring his neck because he's too stubborn to ask for directions, or because we can't agree on a new bedspread because he's far too picky? Of course. But there's been no drama, no pain.

[Man with Dog]

The right ones don't. From the moment I met my now fiance, our relationship has brought me nothing but peace and security. Do we argue? Yes, we're human. Do I sometimes want to wring his neck because he's too stubborn to ask for directions, or because we can't agree on a new bedspread because he's far too picky? Of course. But there's been no drama, no pain.

 

I agree with you and Jen. Yes, we have those arguments that start off with something trivial and escalates into a storm. I love my wife and daughter but certainly think life would be more peaceful without them but, on the other hand, less fulfilling and somewhat boring.

 

Not to mention that it's better to have a dog in a stable family environment!

[John John]

So if I were a wallflower and women weren't lining up to ask me out, would it be reasonable for me to resent women? As you mentioned, it's 2016, not 1946, and thank God for that. Woman up and introduce yourself. Acting shy is an endearing quality when we're like 4, not 23.

 

Yes. This is 2016, not 1916. Grow a pair (hope you get the joke! lol) and start approaching guys!! Ya'll wanted equality, you for the most part got it, so approach us! We're tired of having it always on us and having to be the ones who are rejected.

 

Also, the cold hard truth is that we all have "dating market values." It's sad, but true. If you are better looking, wealthier, more intelligent, more educated, slimmer, taller, etc. you ARE going to have more options. It's just the truth. All we can do is maximize what we have in order to best play the hands we are dealt. Exercise, be healthy, have good dental hygiene, get braces if you need them, dress well, etc.

[bulletproof]

At this point I could just die alone. That's cool too. 😤 Anyway, I think we have exhausted all of the ways to blame me and only me.

This thread can probably be locked. I've hotten all I can get.

 

I don't know if I'm buying that someone who writes "I could just die alone" (or starts a thread like this, or names herself forever alone) is actually quite jovial in real life.

 

You can call it "blaming" you if you want. But the fact is, you and only you are in charge of your life. So you can blame everyone else, such as all men, or you can make changes that help you get what you want. You have mentioned here and in prior threads that you're shy, self-conscious about your physical appearance, don't have any friends, are unhappy, and so on. None of those things are conducive to meeting someone to date, unfortunately.

[ForevahAlone]

I don't know if I'm buying that someone who writes "I could just die alone" (or starts a thread like this, or names herself forever alone) is actually quite jovial in real life.

 

 

 

 

 

You can call it "blaming" you if you want. But the fact is, you and only you are in charge of your life. So you can blame everyone else, such as all men, or you can make changes that help you get what you want. You have mentioned here and in prior threads that you're shy, self-conscious about your physical appearance, don't have any friends, are unhappy, and so on. None of those things are conducive to meeting someone to date, unfortunately.

 

 

 

That's okay. You don't have to believe me. I'm typically happy. Sometimes thoughts of this creep into my head and I get frustrated. Excuse me. I'm imperfect. I can be less than pleasant to be around. So can everyone else.

[itsallgrand]

You should read Dougie's journal 'going in circles'. Really think about if you want to live your life like that.

 

You are getting in your own way too, plain and simple.

 

You are so young. Don't let this drag on into your thirties. Time goes fast. You can be posting this year about the great things you made happen for yourself, or it can be the same story, your choice.

 

I don't know what you look like, but yes, the attitude does drip off the page.

[bulletproof]

That's okay. You don't have to believe me. I'm typically happy. Sometimes thoughts of this creep into my head and I get frustrated. Excuse me. I'm imperfect. I can be less than pleasant to be around. So can everyone else.

 

You're absolutely right that everyone gets frustrated, and no one is perfect. But tons of people have been incredibly frustrated yet not felt inclined to blame an entire gender for that.

 

I'm also not sure how the fact that everyone gets frustrated and that they're imperfect has anything to do with how you're going to address your issues?

 

It seemed as though you posted here for advice. People are just trying to help you. If you're actually really happy, and all these threads are untrue, then so be it.

[TMifune]

What is it that you don't have that you feel is missing?

 

What is it that you wish you could have? What is it you want?

[Dougie_D]

You should read Dougie's journal 'going in circles'. Really think about if you want to live your life like that.

 

You are getting in your own way too, plain and simple.

 

You are so young. Don't let this drag on into your thirties. Time goes fast. You can be posting this year about the great things you made happen for yourself, or it can be the same story, your choice.

 

I don't know what you look like, but yes, the attitude does drip off the page.

 

What in the world? That basically sounded like "you are still young, but at least your not like Dougie.. so don't go down that path". That's a little messed up.

 

For the OP:

 

I understand how you want to resent men. I can be the same way towards women. Everyone will say we need to change our attitude.. But I don't think they will say that if they are similar to us.

 

You say it's more about your appearance, but you also said that you are planning to fix it. So in between the times you are waiting, you honestly can't use that an excuse to not finding a man. Now if you are working on approving it (slow or fast) and nothing has improved, then you will tell yourself "dang, what else do I have to do be attractive to these people"? Then you get angry, sad, confused. That's where I'm at. It's like nothing will be good enough, even though, I have indeed improved. I've lost 15lbs since October and actually bought new clothes. But I just didnt improve to their standards (Whatever that is)

 

It's interesting that you want a socially awkward person but you don't want to chase. You don't have to chase, but depending on your definition of socially awkward, that type of guy might not be the guy who approaches at all. And that's where online dating comes in. It's for people who have a hard time making those types of moves. Not sure if you are online, but that's a place to start.

 

Also, here's a tip. How picky are you? Are you picky at all? If not, go on tinder and swipe yes to everyone. I do that, because you can't engage anything until there is a match.

 

One last question though.. I'm bitter towards women a bit because I don't get dates. I average 2 dates a year. Those are low numbers. My opportunities are rare, so it makes me feel like I'm not worth while even more. If I was consistently getting 3 dates a month or at least 3 who seem interested, I wouldn't feel less about myself. I'd feel I'm worth it and I'm just being a bit unlucky or picky.

 

If you get approached by men asking you for dates, you can't be resentful towards those men. You just want your type to come towards you. Now if you don't have suitors at all, then it's more about how you present yourself. Not saying to change, it will take more time and realization if you do this, you get that, etc... In college, no one talked badly about my fashion. But looking back, I bet if I had better fashion sense, I'd get approached more. But now I'm 35. It's hard now.

 

I'm open to talking.. I feel like we have similar struggles.

[ForevahAlone]

^^We really are similar. Geez. My thread is nearly a mirror image of yours. Minus the sex talk. Lol.

 

I don't know what to say, peeps. I think we can all agree that growing up we're presented with images of certain rites of passage. First kiss, first date, first bf/gf, etc. The impression, to me, was that those things are easily attainable. It seems that everyone gets them with minimal effort.

It became a real issue to me when I turned 21. I immediately began to feel inferior. I'm a grown woman and I feel like I'm 12 years old. I think the inferiority complex is normal. Most people would feel this way if they could never quite catch up to their peers.

Anyway, I'm just trying to say that I know I am the problem. I get in my own way. I know. I don't know how to flip the switch and be "normal" though. I suspect I'll HAVE to be comfortable with my appearance before I can even think of approaching guys.

[Dougie_D]

^^We really are similar. Geez. My thread is nearly a mirror image of yours. Minus the sex talk. Lol.

 

I don't know what to say, peeps. I think we can all agree that growing up we're presented with images of certain rites of passage. First kiss, first date, first bf/gf, etc. The impression, to me, was that those things are easily attainable. It seems that everyone gets them with minimal effort.

It became a real issue to me when I turned 21. I immediately began to feel inferior. I'm a grown woman and I feel like I'm 12 years old. I think the inferiority complex is normal. Most people would feel this way if they could never quite catch up to their peers.

Anyway, I'm just trying to say that I know I am the problem. I get in my own way. I know. I don't know how to flip the switch and be "normal" though. I suspect I'll HAVE to be comfortable with my appearance before I can even think of approaching guys.

 

Well, if it makes you feel any better. Being a man in your position is much, much harder. Some guys would be turned on that the fact you don't have much experience. But vice versa? My lack of experience is a "red flag" with women. I'm 35 and never kissed. I tried to go for it with a girl recently, but I got rejected. I also never had a job until I was 24 or so. Talk about trying to catch up with my peers... haha! They all have kids and stuff now. I'm just looking to have my first relationship! haha!

 

There's actually ways to "make a move" without asking any guy out. Think about how guys approach women. They have to move towards them, right? So instead of just waiting for a guy to do that, "move" closer to him. Possibly right next to him. Try to do things that will make it "easier" for the guy to approach you if that makes any sense.

 

Also, in all honestly.. women who don't "dress the part".. meaning the ones that don't really use makeup, do their hair, etc.. will most likely be pinned as a lesbian/ of some type. I know it's crappy, but think about it. Unless you make it known somehow that you are into men, guys might just think you play on their team. Some men don't want a plain jane. Guys are very visual. They need to see something "sexy" just to get their "ding-a-ling to ring-a-ling". And it doesn't have to be overboard. Something that shows, that you aren't playing on their team. I have a co-worker who's never kissed, etc.. She might be older than you? Possibly 25 or 26? I think part of her problem was strict parents, because her other sibblings were late bloomers. (honestly, I thought she was Amish when I first met her)... any ways. She doesn't really comb her hair, she wears a blue jeans, not any makeup at all, and wears a college sweater all the time. When she wore a dress? OMG!!! She showed some skin and she got hotter. I don't know much about fashion, but I do know that guys are easily amused by good dressed lady. I can't tell you how many times I've said "dang, why is my co-worker seem so hot today?" So I guess. my suggestion, is maybe try to wear something others haven't see you wear before. Maybe you'll get a few looks and compliments. I wish you good luck!

[itsallgrand]

Now we are talking. You do have some self awareness of how you are contributing to keeping yourself stuck. That's a big chunk of the battle right there. Awareness of what you can control and taking responsibility for it. If you can make it a priority to keep challenging yourself and your beliefs, you will make progress. It's a dual effort of flushing out negative beliefs and trains of thought and of building new positive experiences and beliefs. It's hard work. There are so many people here who can help you with the how and guidance, but it starts with a commitment from you to yourself. To see it through til the work is done and you achieve your goals, that you won't give up. No matter what.

 

Are you in? I think you are worth it! And I know you can do it