Need Help Leaving My Ex!

[moodindigo91]

Okay so, I'll try to keep this as short as possible while still giving context. My ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for almost a year now, he broke up with me shortly after we resigned the lease for our apartment. Now, we've been on and off for about three years now, and he's said and done some terrible things to me, including cheating, holding things over my head, and telling me to "go play in traffic," not even the half of it. Anyways, we broke up, then he got out of the Navy and I lost my job. Financially it made sense for us to stay living together. We've slept in separate rooms (he sleeps on the couch). It's been like this for almost a year, it's been on and off where he tries to be affectionate and then he changes his mind, and up until recently I was still in love with him and I wanted to keep trying to make things work. I got to the point now where I can't live here any longer. He's needy, verbally abusive, and I spend all of my time trying to help him figure out his life that I have no time for myself, to be myself or to think about my own life. I'm very nearly close to having a mental break down.

 

He started being more affectionate toward me about two weeks ago and I've been accepting it but keeping him at bay. Then we got in a huge argument where he told me he was throwing himself at me and I just don't care anymore, then he randomly said he wanted to commit suicide. I asked him why, he gave no reply. I'm trying to be sympathetic, but he's demanding so much of my time and he tricked me into a double date the other night (invited me to a movie and didn't tell me his friend and his friend's girlfriend were also going)... and I'm just at the point now where I NEED to get out for my own sanity and health. My life has been on pause for a whole year because of this.

 

My question is, how do I "break up" with someone I'm not even technically with? I don't love him anymore but I still care about him. I don't want to hurt him, and he doesn't have a job right now, I'm not sure if he can afford the rent without me. I was trying to wait to move out until I help him find a job, but he's been lagging on applying since I created a resume for him. I need to tell him: 1. that I want to move out, ASAP and 2. that I no longer want to be romantically involved with him. But I'm afraid to really have this conversation, he's very unpredictable and I don't know how he will react... if anyone has some advice, I'll gladly take it.

[Hollyj]

He's cheated and is abusive and you're concerned about hurting him???????????????????

 

Don't you think it's time to move on with your life and get out of that apt?

 

He can move in with someone else. He is not your responsibility. This has been going on waaaaaaay too long.

[ParisPaulette]

You tell him you're over it, you aren't attracted to him anymore and it's done. Then you block and delete him on everything and move on.

 

Yes, I know you'll think that's harsh, but it's high time you and he both moved out of limbo land don't you think?

 

P.S. As long as he has you footing his bills he will never move on. Why should he when he has Mommy #2 there to make his life comfortable? You have no idea how much of a disservice you're giving this child in man's clothing and how much you enable his bad behavior. Move out, let him figure it out, tell him to figure it out and you are gone. If you worry about hurting people who hurt you, you will have nothing to show for it but a very bad life. And no "rewards" for that kind of behavior, either.

 

Said the former doormat who finally wised up. Grow a backbone, get out, let him sink or swim on his own, don't look back. I did that once and my "oh I can't survive without you" roommate who guilted me into staying for way too long had a good-paying job and a nice place to live within a month of my moving out. She just "faked" being helpless and I'll bet that's what is happening here too.

[HeartGoesOn]

Looks like he's trying to play the "guilt" card in order to extend his free ride. In other words he's playing off your sympathy, and it's working. I agree with others as to it's time to give him the boot.

 

Also, if he threatens suicide again, and I'm sure he will, tell him you'll report it to the police where it leaves you with a clear conscience. With that said, I hope you make the right choices.

[dave_1966]

One word for you: sociopath. I don't know what you do for a living, but if it's something 'caring' like a nurse he's playing you like sociopaths do.

[catfeeder]

Aside from your concerns about him, have you resolved all practical barriers to getting out, such as your financial obligations and where you'll go? If not, contact your local women's shelter for a counselling session and bring a list of your OWN practical concerns.

 

The idea is to set up a plan to transfer yourself out of the home safely without getting bogged down with old habits of worrying about him. Your local shelter or woman's group will help you to do that and can offer assistance with safe implementation..

 

The guy is a grown man, and the more responsibility you take for him the less he takes for himself. His feigned helplessness is a classic trap--don't take the bait. Life is tough enough without trying to live for 2 people, much less someone who has abused you. He'll be fine.

 

Write more if it helps.