Ex's Birthday in 3 weeks...

[Cynder]

Hello all,

I am going through the most difficult time of my life right now. My long term boyfriend who I thought I would grow old with told me two weeks ago that he wants some time apart. I just bought a house, and he did this on the front porch of my new home. And he also left most of his stuff behind.

 

The night he left we stood in my hallway hugging, kissing, sobbing, and saying we loved each other for about an hour. It was a really emotional, gut wrenching time. Since then we have pretty much been NC through the week, but we have talked on the weekends.

 

We both decided to go to therapy and work on ourselves. I have been trying to be more healthy, work on my anger, and meditate daily. The weekend before last he had a therapy appointment, and we talked after the appointment. He told me he still loves and misses me and has hope for a future together, which I agreed with.

 

This past weekend we talked on the phone for about an hour on Saturday, and I told him I would love to take him out for his birthday, if he is up for it. His birthday is at the end of March. He told me he is worried about it getting really emotional on both ends. I told him well if it gets that way we can just make the conscious decision to shut it down and just decide we are going to have fun. It's hard but it can be done.

 

After getting off the phone we continued to text pretty much all evening. We joked around, flirted, and just talked about mundane stuff.

 

Today a message from him woke me up in the morning, and I laid in bed messaging back and forth with him for a while on facebook. I asked him if he's sure he wants to do something on his birthday. I said I don't want to pressure him. I am trying to give him the space he needs to work things out.

 

His answer was this: "I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't mind going out and doing stuff... I am just worried that we need more time apart first. I'm really worried about us just falling back into the same rhythm and having the same problems. I almost feel like we need more time apart to heal.I don't know though, maybe it would be okay to make an exception. What do you think?"

 

And my answer was this: "Yea, I don't want to fall back into the same rhythms again either. For a while I kept going back and replaying things in my mind and telling myself "Oh, if we would have just handled this differently, we would still be together." But I got out of that pattern of thinking because I reminded myself that yes, we would still be together, but with all the same problems, and eventually something else would have caused this to happen.

I have the same concerns you do about your birthday. I don't want us to get back in that same rut we were in. But at the same time, I don't really know what the right amount of healing time is, either. That's something no one can know.

But, considering this time apart has been hard on us, and it's your birthday, I think we can make an exception. I know I have grown and learned things about myself just in these last couple weeks, and I'm sure you have too, and I think seeing each other would be a way to show each other the kind of work we've done. If that makes any sense.

Wow, that was probably a longer answer than you expected, lol. And I feel like I still didn't answer as best as I could."

 

So... It sounds like he is considering getting back together if we see each other on his birthday. I am not pushing for that. Yes, if it happens that will be great. I just don't want him to misunderstand me. I am willing to give him more time if that's what he needs. I know it's only been a couple weeks. But for all these years I shared everything with this man. Now suddenly not having him in my life has really caused a lot of reflection and it's really forced me to deal with the uglier side of myself. I have considered going on meds, which is something I used to be vehemently against.

 

I don't even know what I'm asking here... I guess I just want imput. I want to see him on his birthday, and ultimately, I do want us to get back together. But I don't want to rush him into it and mess things up. What do you all think?

 

And please don't be nasty to me. I am asking nicely. I am hurting a lot right now and don't need to read a bunch of nasty replies from strangers on the internet. It's not really productive.

[Movingforward3]

I totally understand where you are at. It all depends upon where you are coming from and what you want. If you want to give this time, I can see that. I wouldn't expect a lot from the birthday visit. Keep it light and fun. No relationship talk. Only if he brings it up and keep it light.

You are on shaky grounds, but you have a shot to get back. Just recognize it won't be tomorrow.

I wish you lots of success and pm me if I can help!

[Mari]

Hello all,

I am going through the most difficult time of my life right now. My long term boyfriend who I thought I would grow old with told me two weeks ago that he wants some time apart. I just bought a house, and he did this on the front porch of my new home. And he also left most of his stuff behind.

 

....

And please don't be nasty to me. I am asking nicely. I am hurting a lot right now and don't need to read a bunch of nasty replies from strangers on the internet. It's not really productive.

 

You two have a bad pattern when together and right now you're broken up, still love each other but dislike the pattern. If you can go to this birthday and react to him better than you have so far then go for it and tell him you think it will be good. After you go you can then establish a new pattern and this will build his trust back up and probably help in getting you two back together.

 

If you can't create a new pattern, don't go to the birthday. You will react to him the same way as before and it will increase his distrust in you and make him even more sure that you two should not be together.

 

We can change ourselves and we can't force someone else to change. If you want to change then you're going to have to figure out how you react to stuff he does and how you could react differently that wouldn't cause as many issues. At the same time, there's going to be a limit to how much poor behavior you can deal with so if you feel you can't deal with who his then you may not want to get back together.

[greta96]

As Movingforward suggested, you could make a pact now that there will be absolutely no relationship talk, or any kind of heavy conversation, on his birthday; it will be a day/night of light hearted fun, and you will both make a conscious effort to steer clear of any heavy topics. And sex, because sex would only complicate things and confuse both of you even further. This should take care of the birthday situation.

 

As for the rest, I'm not sure what exactly prompted him to ask for some distance, but one thing is for sure - two weeks is just not enough for either one of you to have changed, so don't even try to talk to him about having changed, because he won't believe it. I know you may have realized a few things that you may have done wrong, but that's where you're at - meaning, still the same person, who has yet to start working on improving the things that went wrong. It will take months to see a real change, and only if you truly commit to it.

Also, it takes 2 to tango, so I'm sure he has a few changes of his own he needs to make, and again - that takes time.

So I think it would be a safe bet to spend his birthday together and have fun, but with the understanding that it will take much longer than a few weeks for the two of you to change enough to make the relationship work. Getting back together at the end of March would just end up in a breakup again, because you are still the same people, albeit a bit more aware of the things you need to improve/change.

 

Just take your time, it sounds like he still cares and wants to see this work out, so focus on yourself now and let things unravel as they may.

 

Good luck!

[Ms Darcy]

I would think of it this way. The man asked for tine apart due to an unhealthy pattern of four years. This means despite the love he has a very negative view of the relationship.

 

What does two weeks apart do for years of unhealthy? It puts you in the grieving cycle ... sadness, bargaining ... It can start to be an eye opener about a lot of things. At the same time, triggers are the last thing to change.

 

So my concerns for you is that if you two meet soon either you get back together and repeat the patterns or HE gets triggered by something you do and then it's over forever for him.

 

On the other hand, I think the prospect of taking more time to work on yourself is a less risky proposition because hopefully by the time you meet up you would truly be changed people.

[Cynder]

I would think of it this way. The man asked for tine apart due to an unhealthy pattern of four years. This means despite the love he has a very negative view of the relationship.

 

What does two weeks apart do for years of unhealthy? It puts you in the grieving cycle ... sadness, bargaining ... It can start to be an eye opener about a lot of things. At the same time, triggers are the last thing to change.

 

So my concerns for you is that if you two meet soon either you get back together and repeat the patterns or HE gets triggered by something you do and then it's over forever for him.

 

On the other hand, I think the prospect of taking more time to work on yourself is a less risky proposition because hopefully by the time you meet up you would truly be changed people.

 

I'm leaning toward no at this point. There has been more conversation beteeen him and i since i posted this. Him and i are both cautious about this. So maybe thats a giod indicator yhat we shouldn't.

 

By tge time his birthday gets here we will have been apart for 5 weeks. But thats still not much time.

 

He says it couldn't hurt to spend the day together, but it could hurt us in the long run and thats what I'm afraid of.

 

I suggested we do what some others have suggested here and make a pact to have a lighthearted fun day. He hasn't gotten back to me about that yet.

[kbbcoop77]

I spent way too long in contact with my ex wife after she split and

It got me nowhere. 2 weeks and meeting up is a recipe for disaster

IMO. HE wanted time apart. Give him that gift. Otherwise spending time with him will only solidify his decision. He's been in a relationship with you.

He wants out. Happens everyday.

My advice is wish him well and cut him off. If her truly wants to try again he knows how to get ahold of you. Tell him meaningless chit

chat and being friends is not an option for you. Be strong enough to close the door. This will send him a clear message.

Otherwise you stay stuck way too long. I wished I would've done this myself, I wasted almost a year of healing time for NOTHING.

[Cynder]

I spent way too long in contact with my ex wife after she split and

It got me nowhere. 2 weeks and meeting up is a recipe for disaster

IMO. HE wanted time apart. Give him that gift. Otherwise spending time with him will only solidify his decision. He's been in a relationship with you.

He wants out. Happens everyday.

My advice is wish him well and cut him off. If her truly wants to try again he knows how to get ahold of you. Tell him meaningless chit

chat and being friends is not an option for you. Be strong enough to close the door. This will send him a clear message.

Otherwise you stay stuck way too long. I wished I would've done this myself, I wasted almost a year of healing time for NOTHING.

 

I'm leaning pretty hard toward telling him no, there's just too much risk of messing everything up.

 

I don't think he wants out for good though. I mean, after we broke up it was him who first initiated contact, and he did leave most of his stuff at my house. And when he was leaving he said we would see each other soon. I know some of this could just be taken as things he said to avoid feeling guilty. Idk... He said he wants time apart to work on himself and so I can work on myself. He said he has hope for a future with me, but he doesn't want current him and current me to get back together. So, based on some of these things he's said and done, I really think he wants to try to get back together some time down the line. So, for that reason I really don't want to cut him out entirely.

[kbbcoop77]

I'm leaning pretty hard toward telling him no, there's just too much risk of messing everything up.

 

I don't think he wants out for good though. I mean, after we broke up it was him who first initiated contact, and he did leave most of his stuff at my house. And when he was leaving he said we would see each other soon. I know some of this could just be taken as things he said to avoid feeling guilty. Idk... He said he wants time apart to work on himself and so I can work on myself. He said he has hope for a future with me, but he doesn't want current him and current me to get back together. So, based on some of these things he's said and done, I really think he wants to try to get back together some time down the line. So, for that reason I really don't want to cut him out entirely.

 

I understand but the reality is he's keeping you on the back burner as an option. You're worth more than that. Don't be someone's second choice! How long are you going to wait for him to finally say ok let's try again? The truth is he may never say that. Breakups SUCK and are painful, but when someone wants some time apart it's a breakup..good luck!

[catfeeder]

What were the bad patterns?

[Cynder]

What were the bad patterns?

 

Well, we both handle anger differently, for one. When something makes me mad I come right out with it. He hold on top anger for a long time and then just explodes.

 

Whenever we were in a group of people he would always get really irritated when the conversation would get into subjects he wasn't interested in. Then after we left he would always get mad at me for not taking charge and trying to get everyone off that subject. So it got to the point where in social situations him and I just sat quietly and listened most of the time.

 

Those are two of the big ones. We both agreed to work on how we express anger and our anxiety. He has social anxiety. I have generalized anxiety and OCD. We are both in Therapy.

[Batya33]

I think getting together for his birthday and that soon after a break up is way too risky, including the strong risk that it won't be fun because one or both of you will be putting on a fake act to have "fun". Ironically, I ran into my ex on his birthday, on a commuter train, when we hadn't been in contact in over a month other than to divide up stuff. We ended up talking all night (no romance!) and that made me want to get back together. What followed was weeks of back and forth conversations, then a dinner where he finally ended things (I had ended things first, mostly). It was not helpful in the least. That's just one example of course but as he said, we hadn't really changed/resolved things so to get back together would be romantic but end up the same. Almost 8 years later, we were ready to get back together, and yes, we each had changed a lot.

 

In your situation I would avoid seeing him on his birthday, stop chatting with him and put him off your radar. Maybe limit contact to life/death crises. And maybe see each other in person in a public place in about 6 months from now given what you two need to work on on your own.

[Cynder]

I think getting together for his birthday and that soon after a break up is way too risky, including the strong risk that it won't be fun because one or both of you will be putting on a fake act to have "fun". Ironically, I ran into my ex on his birthday, on a commuter train, when we hadn't been in contact in over a month other than to divide up stuff. We ended up talking all night (no romance!) and that made me want to get back together. What followed was weeks of back and forth conversations, then a dinner where he finally ended things (I had ended things first, mostly). It was not helpful in the least. That's just one example of course but as he said, we hadn't really changed/resolved things so to get back together would be romantic but end up the same. Almost 8 years later, we were ready to get back together, and yes, we each had changed a lot.

 

In your situation I would avoid seeing him on his birthday, stop chatting with him and put him off your radar. Maybe limit contact to life/death crises. And maybe see each other in person in a public place in about 6 months from now given what you two need to work on on your own.

 

 

Just curious, so after the 8 years had passed did the two of you get back together?

[catfeeder]

Whenever we were in a group of people he would always get really irritated when the conversation would get into subjects he wasn't interested in. Then after we left he would always get mad at me for not taking charge and trying to get everyone off that subject.

 

That's his job, not yours. Does he recognize that?

[Cynder]

That's his job, not yours. Does he recognize that?

 

He does now, yea. After the relationship is on hiatus.

[catfeeder]

He does now, yea. After the relationship is on hiatus.

 

Good. So you can see how some distance is already helping him.

 

My own choice would be to hold off on meeting. It's been a couple weeks. That's not very life-changing, and missing someone isn't the same thing as growing.

 

If you don't want to fall back into the same rut, I'd avoid setting up encounters while you're both essentially the same people who needed to break from one another. Otherwise, it won't be any better the second time around--and the need for a break from that won't be any less painful. I'd skip any walks into that propeller blade.

 

Head high.

[Cynder]

Good. So you can see how some distance is already helping him.

 

My own choice would be to hold off on meeting. It's been a couple weeks. That's not very life-changing, and missing someone isn't the same thing as growing.

 

If you don't want to fall back into the same rut, I'd avoid setting up encounters while you're both essentially the same people who needed to break from one another. Otherwise, it won't be any better the second time around--and the need for a break from that won't be any less painful. I'd skip any walks into that propeller blade.

 

Head high.

 

 

Yea. I can see that.

 

I remember when we were hanging out with a bunch of mutual friends and everyone started talking about Theology and being raised Catholic and stuff. Even though he too was raised Catholic (he's an Atheist now) he didn't contribute to the conversation at all and then on the way home he got mad at me for contributing, because in his opinion just because he doesn't like talking about that stuff, neither should I.

 

Now he realizes that was a mistake. I shouldn't have to hold back talking about interesting things with interesting people just because he isn't interested.

 

It isn't all him though, there is plenty I need to work on, too.

 

I am working a festival in his city in May. I am just going to get a hotel room there. I thought about suggesting we go out to dinner or something, as friends. By the time this Festival happens it will have been three months since we broke up. I don't know if that is enough time either. I guess I will know when it's closer.