What response do people prefer when getting rejected?

[Tinydance]

I was just curious to know, when you're being rejected, do you prefer that someone was just polite and sugar coated it for you, or told the truth? I don't mean tell the truth to the point of being blunt and hurtful, like: "You're boring" or "You're unattractive", but simply saying something still polite but just along the lines of "I thought you were nice but unfortunately just don't feel the spark. I wish you all the best." That's what I always do, I never just ignore someone's message or say I'll see them again, but make excuses.

 

I'll give an example. Recently I went on a date with a guy in his mid to later 40's. I don't assume or expect anything just from one date, but the guy said at the end of the date: "We should catch up again". I thought he was interested so the next day texted him saying it would be good to meet up. He texted: "We will catch up in a couple of weeks. I'm just busy with my cricket umpiring right now but the season will be over then. I will let you know when I'm free." I figured he wasn't interested and my friends thought the same, and sure enough have heard nothing whatsoever from him for five days. Also he only works two days a week and didn't seem that busy.

 

Anyway, my point is, why do people feel the need to do this? This really annoys me. I just think that in this day and age, people use texting/E-mail/social media to communicate, so we can reject people just by typing something on a screen and clicking a button. It's that easy and we don't even have to face the person or even talk on the phone. People say it's cowardly to reject someone by text, but I think lying is even worse. I'd rather get a text rejection than this BS. I feel kind of disappointed because I want someone mature and sometimes it seems that even people in their 40's don't have the maturity and guts just to be honest. To my surprise, my mother (though she's actually old-fashioned), thought that it's more polite and nicer/better to send some sugarcoated lie. I don't see how that's better? I've even heard people on ENA say that someone told them they want to see them again, but then just kept making excuses. I just don't see the point....

[j.man]

I may be in the minority on this, but to me, it's pretty inconsequential how or why. It's all rejection. It's nice if people are upfront, but that's not the case in many different realms of communication, not just dating.

[Tinydance]

I may be in the minority on this, but to me, it's pretty inconsequential how or why. It's all rejection. It's nice if people are upfront, but that's not the case in many different realms of communication, not just dating.

 

Yeah I suppose, but it's just that I've seen many people post here, and it's happened to me and my friends, that someone would just make excuses and the other person was confused and still thinking maybe they're interested. I've learnt and know better now but it just seems really silly that someone wouldn't just say outright they were simply just not interested.

[ParisPaulette]

A simple, "I'm not interested, thanks." Does it for me. It's straight to the point, not nasty, no vague "niceness" that inadvertently hints there's still a chance.

 

That said most learn the hard way the whole "It's not you it's me, I'm not looking for a relationship right now, well the timing is really bad but maybe in the future..." are all sly underhanded ways of saying "Not interested." They're also ways of saying, "I want to use you for X, Y and Z and I know if I'm honest about just wanting your sex, money, time you'll walk, so let's just go with this excuse and let you read what you will into it. I did my job in telling you why I wasn't interested, but did so in a way that keeps that door open so I can get what I want. But screw you and what you want, that isn't a part of this game."

 

Unfortunately it usually takes a time or two of getting kicked, hard, about that to learn the lesson. If one ever does.

 

And people also do the "vague' thing in order to keep the line open in case they change their mind or find themselves with nothing better to do than contact you. I've had one person admit that's why he would do the whole implied "we'll do this again" thing while trotting out excuses of "I'm busy." Then if a date fell through at the last minute or he was bored or lonely he'd whistle back up someone he hadn't been that interested in before, but hadn't closed the door on. "I was crazy busy, but I'm free now. Wanna go out?"

 

It's a tactic I think is crappy, so when I was dating I'd just do the whole "Nope, you had your chance, I'm not interested." Simply because I didn't want to be "Ms. You'll Do."

[Krankor]

I guess I'd like to hear the truth for the most part. But, people aren't stupid. For me, I'd almost feel a bit patronized if a woman said "I found you nice but unfortunately I just didn't feel the spark." I'd fully understand that this meant that she found me unattractive. The only difference between saying that and saying "I find you too unattractive to date" is that I'd think of you as a fairly nice person trying not to hurt my feelings. But it wouldn't change the message I got about how you see me. But, yes, if you aren't interested and don't want to see me again, just tell me. I do think that's far kinder than giving someone false hope.

[greta96]

I prefer a definite rejection instead of sugar coating and the whole "I'll give you a call" BS. Why? Because the latter leaves the door open and implies there is hope. I never multi-dated so I never knew if he was actually going to call or it was just a brush-off, so I had to waste a week waiting for a call that never came, after which I'd close the door and move on. With the former, at least I know exactly where I stand and that I'm free to move on and remove the person from my mind.

I will admit that in my younger days I did do the sugar coating, and the reason was because the guy was actually really nice, but I hadn't felt any kind of chemistry with him and I felt terrible about letting him down. So, I did the fade. In retrospect, that was wrong and no wonder they kept messaging me to see if anything had changed. By trying to spare their feelings, I had given them hope!

Also, I think some people will use the "I'm busy right now but I will give you a call as soon as my schedule opens up" only to keep you on the hook, in case someone else they already have in mind doesn't end up working out. They contact you 2-3 weeks later with the "good news" that now they have some free time and they would like to hang out, but what you don't know is that the real reason you heard from them is because someone else didn't pan out.

[Sportster2005]

Depends.

 

If it's only been one date, a text/email if fine.

 

If it's been a couple of weeks, phone call.

 

If you're talking months, then in person.

 

I like straightforward no fluff.

"sorry, just not feeling it, good luck".

 

I strongly dislike ambiguity and/or dishonesty. I'm a big boy. I usually thank them and wish them the best of luck.

[Sportster2005]

I prefer a definite rejection instead of sugar coating and the whole "I'll give you a call" BS. Why? Because the latter leaves the door open and implies there is hope. I never multi-dated so I never knew if he was actually going to call or it was just a brush-off, so I had to waste a week waiting for a call that never came, after which I'd close the door and move on. With the former, at least I know exactly where I stand and that I'm free to move on and remove the person from my mind.

 

High five greta !IIII

[Sportster2005]

But, people aren't stupid. For me, I'd almost feel a bit patronized if a woman said "I found you nice but unfortunately I just didn't feel the spark." I'd fully understand that this meant that she found me unattractive. The only difference between saying that and saying "I find you too unattractive to date" is that I'd think of you as a fairly nice person trying not to hurt my feelings. But it wouldn't change the message I got about how you see me. But, yes, if you aren't interested and don't want to see me again, just tell me. I do think that's far kinder than giving someone false hope.

 

If they found you unattractive you wouldn't have made it to date one. Lighten up.

[Krankor]

If they found you unattractive you wouldn't have made it to date one. Lighten up.

 

Well I was just going with the OP's example in which she said she prefers to say "I just didn't feel that spark" over "I found you unattractive." It could be a blind date, or an online thing based on one photo, and then you arrive at the date and think "Oh, man, he/she just isn't very attractive/as attractive as that photo led me to believe."

 

I was just using that as an example. It could be "I feel that I'm more adventurous than you" instead of saying "I think you're boring."

[Ms Darcy]

If I only went on one or two dates with the person, I would prefer they just not say anything to be honest. I'll get the hint. I don't need to hear sugar coated mess.

[Brokenheart99]

I prefer the truth honestly. If it's really harsh like I think you're ugly or something then yeah maybe a bit more refined answer. Generally the truth, I'd rather know than wonder.

[IAmFCA]

I prefer the truth honestly. If it's really harsh like I think you're ugly or something then yeah maybe a bit more refined answer. Generally the truth, I'd rather know than wonder.

 

I also want the truth, but rarely get it.

[Brokenheart99]

Yeah, exactly. It's like, why did people decide to become polite only when they're breaking up with you? Hahah.

[BlarneyStone]

I may be in the minority on this, but to me, it's pretty inconsequential how or why. It's all rejection. It's nice if people are upfront, but that's not the case in many different realms of communication, not just dating.

 

I'm with you. When it comes to dating it's not a big deal. Neither is the method of rejection. Once you're in a relationship it changes.