hiding solo sexual behavior - women

[jimthzz]

We read a lot about men hiding their masturbatory activities from their woman. But we don't hear a lot about women doing the same thing. Why is that?

 

My ex-wife used to act irritated if I would ask if she satisfied in bed even if she didn't have an orgasm that particular time. And if I asked her if she ever resorted to pleasing herself?

 

OMG, she would act furious at the mere question.

 

But in fact, she had a very active masturbation life, which she admitted to many years later. That admission was how I found out that she routinely had multiple orgasms, up to six at a time when by herself.

 

During sex? One or none, rarely two climaxes.

 

She was deceptive about a lot of things, but in particular this area.

 

Is his common?

[mhowe]

Many women do not climax/orgasm through sex but can with masturbation. Likely because they know exactly what pleases them and cannot convey that to a partner. Also, many women only orgasm through direct stimulation of the clitoris.

 

Others can and do have multiple orgasms through sex.

 

I am not sure that discussing ones masturbatory practices is necessary...even with a spouse.

[jimthzz]

Well, I wanted to satisfy her. I was willing to do whatever she needed: intercourse, oral sex, my hands, whatever. But she would deny needing any more when she clearly was left unsatisfied at times. I think her denying that she masturbated, while bothered if I did, was a problem. A communication and trust issue.

 

She didn't need my permission, BTW. And I wasn't one to intrude.

[mhowe]

Definitely a communication and trust issue.

 

While I don't make it a habit of discussing my solo practices, I would tell my bf if asked. He's never asked...nor I him. I guess we simply assume the other does it. Its healthy and normal.

 

That she had a problem with you doing it speaks to significant insecurity on her part.

[jimthzz]

Yeah, there is a reason that she in an ex-wife. She chose a deceptive life, and all that entails, over truth and candor.

 

I think you are right about the insecurity. she sought destructive validation and I wasn't aware of it for a long time.

[sara-pezzini]

I think it also makes some men feel inadequate and that's why the subject is tiptoed around.

I can cum 5 or 6 times by myself easily as well but never with my ex, he never asked but I'm pretty sure he would feel like he was doing it wrong if he knew.

So maybe that's why women hide it.

Some men and women too can take it as a hit to their pride.

 

My ex treated my clitoris as a doorbell or whatever but applied wayyyyy too much pressure and it hurt, no matter how often i told him to go softer, he just acted like he knew best......

Sex was so much fun with him in the last year!

[starlight89]

I am the opposite. I can have one solo but like 3 or 4 with my bf. I probably could have multiple alone if I tried but I prefer to do that with him..

 

The problem with some couples is they cannot communicate. She has to be able and willing to tell him what she wants and he has to take the feedback on board and apply it.

 

As far as talking about masturbation, he knows I do and I know he does.. Neither have an issue admitting it. We still have a healthy sex life and I don't think it is something either of us do regularly because we have regular sex.

 

I only do if I wake up and am really in the mood and he is at work. I would rather him do it because it is way better with him than alone.

[WithLove]

Sort of always felt like masturbation was a pretty private thing. It's true that I'm one of those women that can really only get off when I'm alone. It's just because I know exactly what to do and how to do it. Like Mhowe said, it's difficult to convey that to a partner. But I've also climaxed with intercourse, although it's rare.

 

It's a healthy thing to do. The only time it's an issue is when communication is off between partners. One person wants intercourse more and one would rather masturbate. Then the other feels resentful.

[Clinton]

It's a fun and exciting hobby, but one that is usually enjoyed solo. An awful lot of people prefer to keep it private and there's nothing wrong with that as long as it doesn't take away from sex with their partner.

 

I mean I can't even really picture the conversation.

 

Her: Do you want to watch TV.

 

Him: Nope I'm horny. Want to have sex?

 

Her: No, I'm tired.

 

Him: I'm gonna go jack it then. See you in 15 minutes.

 

I mean really, outside of occasional sex talk as foreplay I've never asked nor do I care to. If she wants to, her body, her business.

[jimthzz]

I think the thing i noticed with the ex is the strenuous level of denial. I wish she had just been conversational about it, just had said, yeah, I do that when I need to.

 

Difference between privacy and deception.

[sara-pezzini]

I think the thing i noticed with the ex is the strenuous level of denial. I wish she had just been conversational about it, just had said, yeah, I do that when I need to.

 

Difference between privacy and deception.

I agree, nothing to be ashamed of, especially towards the one you love....it's human and normal and i don't see the need to hide it, of course i don't go talking about it at the grocerie store haha

[Clinton]

I think the thing i noticed with the ex is the strenuous level of denial. I wish she had just been conversational about it, just had said, yeah, I do that when I need to.

 

Difference between privacy and deception.

 

I really don't see denying she masturbated as deception. It's no one else's business but hers. It's a very private act and some people are incredibly uncomfortable talking about it.

[jimthzz]

You did notice that we were married?

 

The context was intimate. The denial was extreme given that it bothered her that I did.

 

I freely admitted it when she asked.

[Clinton]

You did notice that we were married?

 

The context was intimate. The denial was extreme given that it bothered her that I did.

 

I freely admitted it when she asked.

 

In my opinion no, it didn't matter that you were married. Some people like to keep parts of their sexual experience private. Masturbation, for a lot of women, seems to be one of those things. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to share everything. Number of sexual partners is another hot topic that a lot of people feel is their business. Even in a committed, stable relationship they still may not want to discuss it or be honest about it.

 

If it was actually a detriment to your sex life, I'd say maybe you'd have a leg to stand on. But it doesn't seem from what you've written that it was.

[Blue_Skirt]

I have never asked and I was never asked. Are we not allowed to keep some things to ourselves, even if we are in a relationship?

[jimthzz]

In my opinion no, it didn't matter that you were married. Some people like to keep parts of their sexual experience private. Masturbation, for a lot of women, seems to be one of those things. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to share everything. Number of sexual partners is another hot topic that a lot of people feel is their business. Even in a committed, stable relationship they still may not want to discuss it or be honest about it.

 

If it was actually a detriment to your sex life, I'd say maybe you'd have a leg to stand on. But it doesn't seem from what you've written that it was.

 

I think you may miss what I have been saying. I'm fine with the privacy angle. What puzzled me was the strenuous denial, the lying about it. it went hand in hand with her lengthy cheating. Which was a part of her deceptive nature.

[Clinton]

I think you may miss what I have been saying. I'm fine with the privacy angle. What puzzled me was the strenuous denial, the lying about it. it went hand in hand with her lengthy cheating. Which was a part of her deceptive nature.

 

I think you miss the point. Did you really expect her to admit to it if it was something she was uncomfortable with? Sex is a very private and intimate thing. Even if you asked her point blank I'd say it was well within her rights to deny it. It's human nature. Can't hold that against her.

 

Totally agree that she had a deceptive nature if she cheated on you but I don't think you can lump this in with that.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm curious as to why you needed to question her about it in the first place? Why did you need to know to the point that she had to "strenuously" deny it?

[jimthzz]

That's just it, her reaction was over the top from being asked "once" after being intimate. It wasn't the result of repeated inquiries, and no, she was NOT tied to the bed while I waterboarded her.

 

She hadn't climaxed during sex, so I asked her if she wanted a hand? she said no, then I asked her if she will just please herself. Then she reacted. And asked me if i do that and that set her off even more.

 

And mind you, she was doing it routinely at that point--which she told me about years later.

[itsallgrand]

I know you meant that as a joke Clinton, but that little story you wrote works for me. Talking about masturbation with a partner is not taboo for me, and no more vexing than talking about what we might have for dinner later on.

It can be fun, open up the lines about what we both like, give info about where the other is at, be a form of foreplay,or be mundane.

 

I'm a private person overall but find it bizarre to be uncomfortable about talking about it with someone who I share fluid and orgasm faces with.

 

I don't think there is right or wrong, but it's a matter of personal preference really and personal boundaries too. People have their various preferences and boundaries around different things, and that's more than ok, it's a live and let live, and respect other people's right to do what makes them comfortable.

 

But compatibility is an important aspect when it comes to personalities and sex.

 

In the case of the ex wife in this situation, I think she just had her hang ups about sex which she acted out with cheating and with playing double standards when it comes to sex. There's nothing wrong with someone wanting to keep certain things like masturbating purely private for themselves but when someone starts acting like you have accused them of murder because you suggest they might masturbate, there might be a big old ball of shame there around sex for that person. And shame around sex generally leads to dysfunctions and lack of communication, just a break down in the whole healthy system.

[Clinton]

To each his own I guess. But I stand by my original contention that giving yourself a hand is something a lot of people just don't like to talk about.

 

Given the above scenario, ya know, did you cum honey? No but I'm good. Want me to finish you off? No I'm good. You gonna give the little man in the canoe a little rub to finish yourself off? I can kinda see some women I know at least getting a little irritated.

[ThatwasThen]

That's just it, her reaction was over the top from being asked "once" after being intimate. It wasn't the result of repeated inquiries, and no, she was NOT tied to the bed while I waterboarded her.

Again, I ask... why did YOU need to know?

 

What puzzled me was the strenuous denial, the lying about it.

Well let me explain what likely caused her to, in your words, "strenuously deny."

 

She hadn't climaxed during sex, so I asked her if she wanted a hand? she said no,

Good time for you to have just let it go.

then I asked her if she will just please herself.

That is like three times after just being intimate that you killed any afterglow that she may have been in, in spite of not having climaxed.

Then she reacted. And asked me if i do that and that set her off even more.

Well you just came... she didn't. I guess she was wondering why you would need to do that and having been put in a bad mood with the three questions above, it just "set her off."

 

And mind you, she was doing it routinely at that point--which she told me about years later.

So?

[jimthzz]

Again, I ask... why did YOU need to know?

 

 

 

Well let me explain what likely caused her to, in your words, "strenuously deny."

 

Good time for you to have just let it go. That is like three times after just being intimate that you killed any afterglow that she may have been in, in spite of not having climaxed. Well you just came... she didn't. I guess she was wondering why you would need to do that and having been put in a bad mood with the three questions above, it just "set her off."

 

So?

 

My intent was to help her to come. I couldn't imagine her not wanting to come, so I asked the question since it puzzled me that she would refuse any more with me.

 

It really did not occur to me the level of anger and defensiveness was possible. But clearly, all these years later, I know that she is was hung up about masturbation. But THEN I didn't know it.

[ThatwasThen]

My intent was to help her to come. I couldn't imagine her not wanting to come, so I asked the question since it puzzled me that she would refuse any more with me.

Yes... you said that already and I responded with you should have left it alone when she clearly told you that she didn't want your help to get her off.

 

It really did not occur to me the level of anger and defensiveness was possible. But clearly, all these years later, I know that she is was hung up about masturbation. But THEN I didn't know it.

Sorry, but from where I'm sitting, it looks like YOU are the one that is hung up on masturbation.

 

My advice, let it go and don't pry or push.

[Brownstone322]

I freely admitted it when she asked.

 

So? Just because it's not private to you doesn't mean it's not private to her. That logic is tantamount to, "Why won't you let the cops search your house/car/belongings? I don't mind. Shouldn't matter if you don't have anything to hide." (OK, how many times have you heard that nonsense?)

 

Her "self-love" is a private matter, and it becomes your business only if she chooses to make it your business. It's up to her, not you. Not that complicated.