Finding a balance between family and me

[miguel]

Hi all,

I'm 18 and currently in a year long relationship. My boyfriend is a real momma's boy and I've been as supportive as possible throughout our time together. At the start of the relationship, he said he couldn't hang out with me much because his family would think he was neglecting them. I was ok with it at first and slowly started to accept it. Over time we naturally became closer and didn't feel like it was a hurdle. A few months in I wanted to meet his family because I knew how much they mean to him. It was a hit! We got a long so perfectly well, and his mum encouraged us to spend even more time together. I felt that we had a nice balance going - he wasn't neglecting either side. But all of a sudden his family said to him last week "we think you should give us more attention" "you spend too much time talking" and "we should be your first priority" - so he dropped everything and followed what they said. He told me that "things would change over the next few months" and "they are my priority, sorry". I don't know if I'm being butt hurt by this or whether he should actually stick up for himself and us. We don't spend that much time together and I always encourage him to spend time with his family. I don't get why he has to even make a choice - the relationship between family and a romantic relationship is totally different, they're not in competition.

I hate being shoved to the side like this whenever he needs. And moreover, we spent so little time before, I don't even think we would be able to class it as dating if he cut down the time more!

 

I welcome all advice!

[DoF]

Your relationship is 1 year old. His family SHOULD be his priority.

 

Look, everything in your post is all "labels" and "words". At the end of the day, you simply need to ask yourself. Is this guy making you happy and investing enough time into the relationship or spending time with you.

 

IF the answer is yes, you have nothing but those labels/words to worry about.

 

Older you get the more you will realize and accept that people like to talk.....and discuss things.......it's the ACTIONS that you need to pay a close attention to, not the words (although those can be important as well). The key is to make sure ACTIONS and WORDS line up.

 

Chances of your boyfriend words lining up with his actions are small....especially if he really loves you, he will simply want to be with you all the time. And if he doesn't love you, he won't....and at that point, you probably wouldn't want to be with him neither.

 

Give it time, relax and don't over react. See what happens with his actions and time investment into relationship. Companionship is important. Long term relationships are HARD WORK and require on regular basis/daily involvement (in person).

[Crank]

Too much of anything is a bad thing. He is being TOO family oriented with people who can't get let him go as an individual. He's at fault for not having his own priorities in check. People that are so family oriented are not sociably healthy imo. So i would say it's up to you if you think it's worth trying to explain to him he needs to start living his OWN life and not his parents (does not mean he has to ditch them in any way) and that can't happen if he still clings to his parent's feelings over anyone elses. That part of family DOES NOT come before ones own girlfriend or boyfriend. If he argues it does then he is not ready to move on with his life.

[DoF]

Too much of anything is a bad thing. He is being TOO family oriented with people who can't get let him go as an individual. He's at fault for not having his own priorities in check. People that are so family oriented are not sociably healthy imo. So i would say it's up to you if you think it's worth trying to explain to him he needs to start living his OWN life and not his parents (does not mean he has to ditch them in any way) and that can't happen if he still clings to his parent's feelings over anyone elses. That part of family DOES NOT come before ones own girlfriend or boyfriend. If he argues it does then he is not ready to move on with his life.

 

Come on now, he is 18 years old! He is a puppy. And to be honest, any boy that has his family at the top of a priority list is doing it right in my book.

 

Most kids at that age and for many years to come have their priorities completely wrong. You have to give him some credit.

 

You are correct that "NOTHING is good when taken to the extreme" but it's really hard to gauge exactly how much time investment he is putting into his family vs girl based on OP post.

 

I assumed he put in more time into family and some time towards girlfriend......as he should, at 1 year relationship.

 

Relationship should become a priority WELL past the 'Honeymoon phase", which is at least 2-3 years.....and as they mature and actually figure out if they even want long term relationship.

[Blue_Skirt]

Who exactly is “his family”? I guess parents and then? Siblings? Does any of his family members have special needs, that he needs to be there all the time? I assume your boyfriend is around your age. I would say it is normal around that age to go out in the world and discover what else there is than just family.

[abitbroken]

It all depends. If he is 18 years old and living under their roof and they are paying his bills, he is a little obligated to Sunday dinner, to participating in the household. I don't know how much you are actually spending time together so don't know if he is a momma's boy and his parents are wacky or they are right on. If he is still in high school - I agree with mom - he should not be spending every evening and weekend with you. You are one of the things in his life and not the center right now - graduating, figuring out his place in the world and fulfilling his responsibilities for school and the household are also extremely important. If he was 30, I would be 100% on your side and tell you to distance yourself a bit until he has got the gumption to move out, but 18, these days that is still a dependent child depending on the family. Also, he SHOULD spend his time a mix of you, family and friends.

 

But let's dial this back - they WERE supportive of the relationship and then time went by and they told him to cool it. Could it be that they do like you, but he is talking to you on the phone from the minute he walks in the house, and/or is not talking to family members in favor of the phone glued to his ear? Is he slacking on pulling his weight at the house because he is doing so? Honestly, at this age, there should be some days where you don't see eachother and don't have a big long phone convo. Mix it up. Have a date night or afternoon - but also leave room for him to have unstructured time with his siblings and do things with them, too. There is no "momma's boy" about his parents demanding that he isn't so one sided or rude.

 

And if this is a year long relationship, he was 17 years old, or even just turned 17 when it started. keep that in mind. and if you only met the family a few months ago - maybe there is some resentment over keeping you a secret that whole time

[miguel]

Thank you all so much for your replies - it's always nice have new views to freshen my head.

The thing is, I still don't know how attached we should be at this age. He's 18 and at boarding school, but tells me he doesn't want any more friends - just family and me. Because he's at boarding school, I tell him to spend the one weekend every 3 weeks he gets off with his family which he does. So I usually only get to see him once or twice over the month maximum. We text everyday but his parents don't know about that. I kind of think he's still a momma's boy because she is very touchy with him and he still like lays on her lap and she plays with his hair. At first the family oriented-ness was great, but I don't know when it becomes too much?

[Ms Darcy]

Well, that's a helpful update. His family is subsidizing his schooling and doesn't get to see him much as it is. So, I think it's appropriate for them to want to see him whenever they can - especially if it's only less than two weekends a month. He's functionally a child (though technically adult) so I think you need to change your viewpoint that he's a momma's boy. I can't say much about the touchy feely stuff, but I think you found a guy who just isn't physically available for you.

[mhowe]

I assume they are paying his cellphone bill so they know exactly how much he is talking to you. Are his grades slipping?