Friendly or Missed Opportunity?

[Dougie_D]

So something happened that never has happened to me before. I'm just wondering if I missed an opportunity again.

 

Scenario; BAR

 

-- At the beginning of my night I was just hanging at bar. A group of people show up playing a shuffleboard game behind me. I'm a decent player. One girl threw it really fast and I made a comment to her girlfriend with PINK HAIR "haha! it's not a bowling alley" and her friend smiled. She knew I was just making a joke.

More people showed up. I realized it was some birthday party, but I kept mingling. I talked to a dude for 15 minutes and then he left, etc.. Then the girl next to me (sitting down with PINK HAIR!!!) I strike a conversation with. Probaby 10-15 minutes too. I was hesitant to ask her to play shuffleboard because her friend was still "trying" so I decided to talk to her friend at shuffleboard instead....(basically when I felt the conversation was getting dry, I moved on to the shuffleboard girl).. The shuffle friend gave me the cold shoulder. BUT... I ended up playing with another Group within the GROUp.. Basically. this was like a birthday party/work friends/kickball team thing.. Everyone had at least one mutual friend I guess. I was just doing small talk, specifically around the shuffleboard. Anyways... When I was actually playing, I saw the PINK HAIR girl leave with "her group". I overheard the guy I had talked to previously say to a friend "they'll be back" (I think they smoked?) So anyways... the pink girl group came back sometime again. She was mingling with another group. My game was over. I went back to drinking at end of the bar. This was about 20 minutes before bar closed... the PINK HAIR GIRL rubs her arm against my back. Like a sweet rub? And she goes "It was great talking to you Dougie!" and then she leaves.

 

I guess I thought it was weird because after ALL THAT TIME... she remembered my name and she touched me to make sure I noticed her. Wasn't a tap. It was that sweet rub down thing.

 

My question is.. When she left, was I suppose to go "hey, yeah it was great talking to you, do you mind if I get your number?"

 

I've never had a girl leave. Come back. and when she REALLY left.. make sure to say goodbye to me.

[ParisPaulette]

She's both. The girl was being friendly, missed opportunity maybe or maybe not, who knows? OR you could look at her as proof positive that women can like you for you, let it give you a confidence boost and go keep hanging out there to play shuffleboard and talk to people in general.

 

This is what I was talking about. Trying to meet random people on purpose via dating sites and such can be hard, but when you're relaxed, enjoying an activity, and just talking that's when your more likely to find someone to talk to and eventually that can lead to a date or two. Even if it doesn't work out you start to develop contacts and people to be friendly with and to and it helps. So go socialize more. Maybe pink haired girl will be back and you can say hi and talk to her about shuffleboard or other things, maybe you never see her again, but what you do is remind yourself when you get a little shaky that some girl out there was friendly back. And so yes others will be too.

 

You could've asked for her number and got shot down, because she was being nice. But if you see her again and get to talking then ask her for her number yes. And if she is really interested my feeling is she'll go hang out at that bar again on the same night and same time. I did that when I spotted a guy or two that seemed a likely candidate to date back in the days when I was still single. And if you never see her again like I said use that moment as a touchstone to boost your confidence.

 

This is what getting out into life does for you, it gives you people to talk to and make friends with. And from there who knows? Take the road and see where it leads you and if that road is a dead end try another one, okay?

[dias]

Dude you had to ask for the phone number. Now it's more likely you will never meet her again unless she is a regular patron. You don't know if her answer would be positive but now you will never find out.

[Dougie_D]

She's both. The girl was being friendly, missed opportunity maybe or maybe not, who knows? OR you could look at her as proof positive that women can like you for you, let it give you a confidence boost and go keep hanging out there to play shuffleboard and talk to people in general.

 

This is what I was talking about. Trying to meet random people on purpose via dating sites and such can be hard, but when you're relaxed, enjoying an activity, and just talking that's when your more likely to find someone to talk to and eventually that can lead to a date or two. Even if it doesn't work out you start to develop contacts and people to be friendly with and to and it helps. So go socialize more. Maybe pink haired girl will be back and you can say hi and talk to her about shuffleboard or other things, maybe you never see her again, but what you do is remind yourself when you get a little shaky that some girl out there was friendly back. And so yes others will be too.

 

You could've asked for her number and got shot down, because she was being nice. But if you see her again and get to talking then ask her for her number yes. And if she is really interested my feeling is she'll go hang out at that bar again on the same night and same time. I did that when I spotted a guy or two that seemed a likely candidate to date back in the days when I was still single. And if you never see her again like I said use that moment as a touchstone to boost your confidence.

 

This is what getting out into life does for you, it gives you people to talk to and make friends with. And from there who knows? Take the road and see where it leads you and if that road is a dead end try another one, okay?

 

I go out and socialize all the time. It's only at bars and stuff. But that's where I can actually be myself. People on ENA has told me to stay away from "bar girls" because I guess they are a certain type? Don't know. The bars are meant for social gatherings in general. Talking and meeting women is not a problem for me. It's the next part. I've asked for girls numbers, and they give it to me, but they would just not want to hang out when I ask them. I didn't feel like there was enough connection to ask her for her number previously. I felt just the "friend vibe". What caught me off guard was the "touch" and the fact she made an effort to say goodbye to me. Women don't leave a place, come back, and say goodbye to someone they didn't even talk to for last remaining hour or so on a normal basis.

 

Do women HOPE that a man asks for their number? I mean, she didn't really make an effort to flirt with me if she was really interested in me. Believe it or not, some women make it obvious to men when they like them.

 

I guess I'll just move on.. but I've never had a woman TOUCH me to get my attention to say goodbye after we didn't even talk more than an hour since our last (10-15 minute conversation). So odd to me.

[Batya33]

Since she was there with lots of other people try to find out her name and then get in touch. My sense is she was just being friendly -and her goodbye before leaving was at the very least a thoughtful gesture but if you can do some "investigating" to see if you can find out more that would be a good move.

[Dougie_D]

Since she was there with lots of other people try to find out her name and then get in touch. My sense is she was just being friendly -and her goodbye before leaving was at the very least a thoughtful gesture but if you can do some "investigating" to see if you can find out more that would be a good move.

She already told me her name and I was able to find her through FB based on all the mingling I did with everyone.

My girl roommate just said it was a friendly gesture and it was actually a good thing I didn't ask the number. She explained that when guys say goodbye, we just pat the back. She said women do a rub gesture. But it's samething. Just a friendly goodbye. Women don't touch me at all so that's why I thought it could've been someyhing more. Boo!!!! Haha

[Doc Blaze]

"I go out and socialize all the time. It's only at bars and stuff. But that's where I can actually be myself. People on ENA has told me to stay away from "bar girls" because I guess they are a certain type? Don't know. The bars are meant for social gatherings in general. "

 

From personal experience a lot of people going to bars are just looking to have fun that night, nothing more.

There have been many nights that ive partied with random girls, them buying me drinks, me buying them drinks, having a

fun night, danci and at the end of the night, everyone just goes home.

[Dougie_D]

"I go out and socialize all the time. It's only at bars and stuff. But that's where I can actually be myself. People on ENA has told me to stay away from "bar girls" because I guess they are a certain type? Don't know. The bars are meant for social gatherings in general. "

 

From personal experience a lot of people going to bars are just looking to have fun that night, nothing more.

There have been many nights that ive partied with random girls, them buying me drinks, me buying them drinks, having a

fun night, danci and at the end of the night, everyone just goes home.

Exactly. That would happen anywhere. For the record I'm not looking for one night stands. But if the girl is super agressive about it, I'll go with the flow! Haha!

Not sure why being at bars is such a bad place. It's exactly what you said.

If the goal in my life is just socialize with people at that moment than I'm a wizard at it. If I'm attractive to someone though, I would like to make a date with them. That's what sucks. I can't get a freaking date!!!!

[tiredofvampires]

I don't think anyone has ever told you don't go to bars and stay away from girls at bars.

 

They've said, DON'T MAKE THAT YOUR ONLY VENUE OR SOCIAL ACTIVITY. This is exclusively where you try to meet women, and THAT is the problem.

 

If you had 5 different kinds of places to mingle with different types of crowds, you'd have exponentially more chance, by statistics, of meeting someone who might be interested.

 

For the record, in a situation like that where you have nothing to lose by asking for a phone number because you won't be seeing her again most likely, you might as well ask.

[Dougie_D]

I don't think anyone has ever told you don't go to bars and stay away from girls at bars.

 

They've said, DON'T MAKE THAT YOUR ONLY VENUE OR SOCIAL ACTIVITY. This is exclusively where you try to meet women, and THAT is the problem.

 

If you had 5 different kinds of places to mingle with different types of crowds, you'd have exponentially more chance, by statistics, of meeting someone who might be interested.

 

For the record, in a situation like that where you have nothing to lose by asking for a phone number because you won't be seeing her again most likely, you might as well ask.

 

Then what's the real difference between a meet-up group and bar setting? If I meet a girl at both places, chances are I wont see them again.

 

I go to many different bars all the time. I look at that as my different venue and social activities. Some might be lounge bars, some might be a sports bar, some might be more of a venue/concert type, etc...

 

Even if I was in a meet-up group and the event is to go on a Pub Crawl, you think I'm only going to talk within my group when we go to other bars?

[Doc Blaze]

Exactly. That would happen anywhere. For the record I'm not looking for one night stands. But if the girl is super agressive about it, I'll go with the flow! Haha!

Not sure why being at bars is such a bad place. It's exactly what you said.

If the goal in my life is just socialize with people at that moment than I'm a wizard at it. If I'm attractive to someone though, I would like to make a date with them. That's what sucks. I can't get a freaking date!!!!

 

Bro I used to go to bars all the time, you aren't going to have that much luck, trust me.

[Sportster2005]

Yes you were. And if she said no, so what?

[tiredofvampires]

Then what's the real difference between a meet-up group and bar setting? If I meet a girl at both places, chances are I wont see them again.

 

Nope. At a meet-up or class or group, the idea is to see people who become familiar faces with whom you can build a connection. Completely different intent from a bar. I think you know this, so this question almost feels like a deliberate dodge.

 

If you go to a thousand bars, each of which has 5 punky pink-haired girls you meet per night that you never see again, you'll do a lot better going to 10 meet-ups where you see the same people again and again, and in half of them, there is one girl you mutually click with over time. That's 5 x the number of women with real potential you're going to meet at meet-ups vs. the 1000 bars. If fact, that's 5-0.

 

But you have your own "math"...

 

Even if I was in a meet-up group and the event is to go on a Pub Crawl, you think I'm only going to talk within my group when we go to other bars?

 

...and you're going to do what you're going to do.

[Dougie_D]

Nope. At a meet-up or class or group, the idea is to see people who become familiar faces with whom you can build a connection. Completely different intent from a bar. I think you know this, so this question almost feels like a deliberate dodge.

 

If you go to a thousand bars, each of which has 5 punky pink-haired girls you meet per night that you never see again, you'll do a lot better going to 10 meet-ups where you see the same people again and again, and in half of them, there is one girl you mutually click with over time. That's 5 x the number of women with real potential you're going to meet at meet-ups vs. the 1000 bars. If fact, that's 5-0.

 

But you have your own "math"...

 

 

 

...and you're going to do what you're going to do.

 

I don't think you understand meet-up groups, specifically in LA. The "group" is the same, but they have different social gatherings. The host or hosts, will always be there. But just because you are in the group it doesn't mean that you'll keep on seeing the familiar faces. I get e-mails all the time from my meet-up group (social so-cal or something). I went about 3 times with the same "group" but each was with different people. First time was a movie where only 6 people showed up. Then the last 2 times it was a poker game. Only 3-4 out of 15 were there both times.

 

It's nothing like a class. The only type of group setting of which you are talking about are the bowling, kickball, etc.. leagues. ( And yes I looked into them. My roommate is on a kickball team, but I already know everyone on that team (she's the ONLY girl actually). She's super competitive. Not sure if she was joking or not, but she said if I was on the team, I'd be a the ball guy or something. I'm not athletic.

I rather be on a team where I already know people who don't take those type of things seriously. And my friends who don't take it seriously, I can't ever convince them. I think I told you the story where my friends roommate invited us to play a Co-Ed Volleyball group deal. They pick teams the old fashion way, and yes I was picked last. They would sort of pick on me and keep spiking the ball towards me. One guy in our group was being a jerk and was like "dude, you should probably skip out and let me take your place"... talking about the rotation of how Volleyball works.

That's the only thing that actually turns me away from the kickball stuff. You can sign up as a "free agent", but I need to be in a league where they can accept the part that I will be a bit clumsy. I live in LA, so it's even worse I think. My work was in some soccer team. EVERYONE on that team played in highschool or even at college and ARE really good. I guess the point is... I will always be considered an outcast in those sporty events unless I'm with a clumsier group.

[abitbroken]

I don't think you understand meet-up groups, specifically in LA. The "group" is the same, but they have different social gatherings. The host or hosts, will always be there. But just because you are in the group it doesn't mean that you'll keep on seeing the familiar faces. I get e-mails all the time from my meet-up group (social so-cal or something). I went about 3 times with the same "group" but each was with different people. First time was a movie where only 6 people showed up. Then the last 2 times it was a poker game. Only 3-4 out of 15 were there both times.

 

It's nothing like a class. The only type of group setting of which you are talking about are the bowling, kickball, etc.. leagues. ( And yes I looked into them. My roommate is on a kickball team, but I already know everyone on that team (she's the ONLY girl actually). She's super competitive. Not sure if she was joking or not, but she said if I was on the team, I'd be a the ball guy or something. I'm not athletic.

I rather be on a team where I already know people who don't take those type of things seriously. And my friends who don't take it seriously, I can't ever convince them. I think I told you the story where my friends roommate invited us to play a Co-Ed Volleyball group deal. They pick teams the old fashion way, and yes I was picked last. They would sort of pick on me and keep spiking the ball towards me. One guy in our group was being a jerk and was like "dude, you should probably skip out and let me take your place"... talking about the rotation of how Volleyball works.

That's the only thing that actually turns me away from the kickball stuff. You can sign up as a "free agent", but I need to be in a league where they can accept the part that I will be a bit clumsy. I live in LA, so it's even worse I think. My work was in some soccer team. EVERYONE on that team played in highschool or even at college and ARE really good. I guess the point is... I will always be considered an outcast in those sporty events unless I'm with a clumsier group.

 

Dougie, when anyone makes a healthy suggestion, you will always find a way to shut it down.

I was a member of a meetup group that was based on a physical activity and there were always new and different people but there tended to be a core group and those people were there every week or you found that you saw these people came regularly even if not at every session. Some people come to check it out and never come back, some come every time, some every couple. But it all shakes out in the wash - if you go enough, you will start seeing some of the same people and you will get to know these people who intro you to other people. I was a part of a meetup for over a year or two and it wasn't always the same people, but people did start to get to know me/notice if I wasn't there and I did start making good connections with people. You just have to keep going and not just quit after one time.

 

BUT there are also meetups that are smaller groups. And there are meetups where each week you see a limit to the number of participants - like a dinner and a movie meetup might limit outings to 8-20 people. Or why not Start a "i am not in a band, but i want to jam" meetup and ask your favorite bar if you can meet there. Or "30something Single Friends" or a shuffle board playing meetup. That might be too bold right now, though. But it would be a new leaf.

[Batya33]

"I guess the point is... I will always be considered an outcast in those sporty events unless I'm with a clumsier group."

 

The point is you like to make excuses. In this post you suggested a few alternatives - what are you going to do, today, to follow up on them?

[abitbroken]

btw, then sign up for "kickball for beginners" or another beginners group

[Dougie_D]

I was really just making the point that abitbroken mentioned. It's the same exact concept as going to the bars. If you keep going, you'll see the "regulars". and then you meet their friends.

 

I don't think people get it. Meeting and talking people isn't hard for me. I can see the same people over and over and have the exact conversation over and over. I can have the same conversation with the girl at the bar and the girl in a meet-up group. The problem is, I can't find that right chemistry with women to have them look at me as a potential mate. The setting is not different. I don't EVER talk to a girl that I'm attracted to and not wonder "how can I get her on a date with me?"

 

Being a good guy and swell to hang out with,will only get you that far. Somehow I have to be more attractive towards women.

[Batya33]

"I don't think people get it."

 

I don't think you get that you are getting in your own way. I do get that it's easy for you to meet and talk to people. You are unwilling to expand your horizons as to where you meet people - and having the exact convo over and over sounds like that is part of the problem. That will not happen if you get out of your comfort zone and interact with people in different settings/doing different things. Today I went to Starbucks and the library and our building's management office with my child. He is almost 7. We each interacted with adults and children at those places and did not have the same conversation twice. Even in those mundane settings that is what happens if you are interested in people and your surroundings.

[Dougie_D]

"I don't think people get it."

 

I don't think you get that you are getting in your own way. I do get that it's easy for you to meet and talk to people. You are unwilling to expand your horizons as to where you meet people - and having the exact convo over and over sounds like that is part of the problem. That will not happen if you get out of your comfort zone and interact with people in different settings/doing different things. Today I went to Starbucks and the library and our building's management office with my child. He is almost 7. We each interacted with adults and children at those places and did not have the same conversation twice. Even in those mundane settings that is what happens if you are interested in people and your surroundings.

 

But I'm NOT looking to meet random people to talk with. Talking to people I have no interest talking to, makes it feel like a chore. That's why online dating bothers me. People bypass all that part and get straight to a date. And I want that sort of lifestyle. And honestly, I feel my looks are holding me back because of it. And then I feel like my looks translates into real life disappointments.

 

The purpose of me going to any group setting is to find a potential mate. Going to a convention for music or even going to a concert is not the same thing. That might turn into a business setting for me.

[Batya33]

But I'm NOT looking to meet random people to talk with. Talking to people I have no interest talking to, makes it feel like a chore. That's why online dating bothers me. People bypass all that part and get straight to a date. And I want that sort of lifestyle. And honestly, I feel my looks are holding me back because of it. And then I feel like my looks translates into real life disappointments.

 

The purpose of me going to any group setting is to find a potential mate. Going to a convention for music or even going to a concert is not the same thing. That might turn into a business setting for me.

 

Part of meeting people is work -that is why it's called networking. It's your job to self-motivate even when -gasp- it's not that interesting to you and feels like a chore. I didn't bypass anything in on line dating. I got to know the person during the phone call and first meet and if that worked out and we were both interested, we went on a date.

 

Please don't go back to "my looks are holding me back". You are holding you back. You don't have to do that. You can make other actual choices and put your energy into that instead of excuses, loopholes and complaining about not being "interested" enough. The end goal is worth it.

[ProtestTheHero]

I would just stop analyzing everything and just take a bunch of swings. If you strike out 9 times out of 10, you'll still have that homer in the bank.

 

You definitely should have asked for her number or given her yours in case she wanted to have a great time talking to you again. She might say no or take your number and never contact you, but at least you got your answer and you eliminate the need to create "What if?" threads.

 

Eliminate all doubt and just step up to the plate and swing.

 

If you strike out then take a shot of your favorite liquor and start anew. Carpe Diem, friend.