Andie Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 I am new here.. on Christmas night my fiancee' of 12 years moved the rest of his belongings out of the house while I was at my mom's for Christmas day.. I went home and found it that way.. he'd moved out and into his aunt's house about 6 months before.. I had to go to his aunt's house to find him because Christmas Eve night and all Christmas Day he didn't return my calls.. he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and had met someone at work.. it's been 51 days now since he left me and I haven't heard one word from him.. I have kept NC, but needless to say after 12 years together I'm devastated.. I stuck by him through his severe depression and suicidal tendencies, and when he was 300 pounds and had almost no teeth left from tooth rot.. he's had his teeth fixed, lost 120 pounds and has found some self esteem for the first time in his life.. he told me a few months ago that he was treating people rudely.. for example, at work he said if he didn't like someone he was just telling them, "I don't like you, get the hell away from me.".. he was NEVER like that! He was always a kind and caring and considerate person.. he had his bad side because he was beaten and emotionally abused as a child and teenager.. girls would literally go up to him and go "EWW! You're gross!".. his drunken father would call him fat and ugly.. he was always VERY insecure and jealous and would tell me if I ever cheated on him he'd kill me and the guy I cheated with.. now he ends up cheating on me and leaving me, telling me I was too dependent on him (his insecurity and jealousy MADE me that way!) and yet still almost 8 weeks later and not hearing from him at all I'm still heartbroken.. although my mother did see him twice because he owed me money.. both times she mentioned me, things I am doing to improve myself and both times both his body language as well as what he said showed he still cares.. we did not have fight at the end.. we parted very civilly - hugged, cried - which was pretty damn big of me considering that he cheated and just took his things out the house without even talking to me about it.. but I'm just so lost.. I have no chance of him coming back, unless he somehow realizes that yeah, I DID stick by him through all his bad times, even when I was having bad times myself and could've used some support.. by the time he ended it, my depression and anxiety were VERY bad, and he said he couldn't deal with it (thanks a lot, after the way I stood by you through your depression!) So now I struggle alone, with thoughts of him with someone new on top of already existing depression.. So, what are MY chances of getting the ex back? He was a good person for a long LONG time.. but it seems, now that he's transformed his appearance and gotten some self esteem for the first time in his life it's gone straight to his head.. somewhere in there is the good person he used to be, but he's clueless right now it would seem to the fact that he was a better human being when he was fat and toothless.. Link to comment
Andie Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 Do I know my own answer to this and no one has the heart to tell me? Link to comment
DN Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 I hate to have to tell you this because of your emotional state, but I am afraid the chances are almost nil. Unless he suddenly puts on weight, loses his self confidence and finds that he needs you to nanny him as you did before. Your absolute best bet now is to accept the fact that he used you as a crutch, no longer feels that he needs that and has moved on. Part of the reason for that is not that you are unattractive but that you now remind him of the person that he was and he wants to forget that whole chapter of his life. Yes, it is cruel for you and he is being remarkably selfish but he is concentrating in himself right now and not you. So you must do the same thing. Concentrate on recovering from the hurt and emotional shock, concentrate on getting past the emotional tie you had with him and concentrate, when you are recovered, on finding someone who has grown up and is comfortable with himself as he is. This is a tough time for you but the way to go forward is acceptance of loss, recovery and pursuit of future happiness - and you can do it. If you are still depressed seek medical help Good luck Link to comment
vhshowdown Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 It almost sounds like drug abuse in reverse. I guess what I am saying, would you give up on someone becasue they got hooked on drugs? Only you can decide this for yourself? I guess sometimes, when people are down and get back up finally, some dont want to be reminded of what it was before, and that includes the people in their life at the time. I dont know that it was anything you did per se..... Just hang tough Andie. Keep yourself busy, which I know its tough at times. Snap your fingers next to your ears when you start to think of him, change that thought, etc..... Good luck and take care!! Link to comment
Rainy Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 you stuck by him when he was depressed and no money, you did your best as a loving partner and this is the way he treats you!! You deserve better, if he comes crawling back show him the door, you will get over what he has done to you, it may take time to heal but you WILL do it, Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Realize you need to PITY HIM. Link to comment
melrich Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 I disagree with DN on this one. You say you were engaged for 12 years? That is a long time. Or were you in a relationship for 12 years and engaged for part of that? Whatever it sounds like the split was fairly sudden after a long relationship. In my experience, in this situation where the split is sudden after a long relationship, many people do come back. I think it is because they have not given enough thought to what they are leaving. He has found someone new and exciting...you can't compete that at the moment. But that will wear off fairly quickly and he will start to miss your friendship and shared experiences. He will also know in his heart the support you have given him aver a long time and he will feel a lot of guilt. I think there is a good chance he will come back. The big question is that if he does, will you want him back. Because that is teh other thing I have noticed in these situations. Often when the dumper does realise what he has given up, the dumpee will move on. I would work towards getting over the relationship. If he comes back you will be in a better position to make a rational decision about what you want. Don't be surprised if you find that in yourself you have moved on. Good Luck. Link to comment
DN Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Unless I misread the post he moved out six months before Christmas and only removed the rest of his stuff while you were at your Mom's for Christmas Day. Since then, about 51 days, he has not contacted you and you only have second hand information that he may still care for you. Why were you not with your fiance on Christmas Day? Why were you not married after being engaged for 12 years? It seems to me this was not a sudden break-up, at least not on his part, but something that has been happening for some time. He may indeed come back. I frankly doubt it, but if I were you I would analyse the reasons the relationship went bad and decide, rationally not emotionally, if you even should want him back. And if it does resume how to make sure it does not happen again. Link to comment
melrich Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Yeah that is confusing. Says he moved 6 months ago but left her 51 days ago. If they broke up 6 months ago I'd agree that it is unlikely they will get back together. Link to comment
Andie Posted February 16, 2005 Author Share Posted February 16, 2005 He had moved out of the house 6 months ago (around July '04) to his aunt's he said to be closer to work (he has SERIOUS road rage and I don't drive so he had to drive me everywhere too because I got so dependent on him).. he only took some of his things to set up camp at his aunt's house.. the rest of his stuff was still at our house where we still split the bills and we were still together as a couple.. he was still affectionate and spending lots of time at our house even after he'd "moved" to his aunt's house.. until the last month, which is when I assume things started with this other woman he said he met at work.. and we were together for 12 years, engaged for 7.. thanks all for listening.. Link to comment
Andie Posted February 16, 2005 Author Share Posted February 16, 2005 I hate to have to tell you this because of your emotional state, but I am afraid the chances are almost nil. Unless he suddenly puts on weight, loses his self confidence and finds that he needs you to nanny him as you did before. I wouldn't say I 'nannied' him.. I stood by him like a spouse would and should.. we were just friends for a year before we dated (I didn't feel physically attracted to him) but we had so much in common and such great times together, I couldn't help seeing past his physical appearance and having feelings for him.. P.S. I was his first girlfirend, first lover, first everything.. he's now 32 and I'm 35.. Link to comment
DN Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 perhaps nanny was a bad choice of word but I still think the problem is that he sees you as a part of the time that he had the bad self-image. I sincerely hope I am wrong and that you get what you want. Good luck Link to comment
lawandorder Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Hmmm. Well, my shot in the dark at this one. What have you done for yourself during this time. You have stated your down and heartbroken and depressed. Now pick your butt up. You really have one choice right now. You have to improve to win him back or to get on with life. Its a win win. Take pride in your career. Take pride in your looks. Take pride in your world. Spend some NC as you have been. But better yourself for the next time you see each other. Focus on yourself for awhile. Ya see. he got his teeth fixed. he lost weight. He got his act together. You do the same. I want one person to tell me Im wrong on this statement. NO ONE wants to be with anyone that is down, depressed, sad and makes them come down and feel bad. So, make yourself happy. Start walking or working out, eat right, (im not saying your out of shape) keep everything around you perfect. Your house and car and so forth. So when you can go face to face you will be on cloud nine in his eyes and he will see you in a new light. Now if you get back together great. If you dont you are 10 steps above where you were and you can move on and do it with no problems. so ya have a plan to get him back and a plan to move on and its the same plan and you decide when the time comes. Link to comment
Andie Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 I lost him, I lost the house (I couldn't afford all the bills), I lost most of my belongings (I've had to move in with my mother and sister and there's not enough room here or enough money to rent storage space.. I no longer own a bed, a TV or even a dresser), my cats are at my friend's house (I'm on her computer), I'm on disability from work (ankle surgery and I cannot mentally function or be responsible), my best friend of 20 years has shown her true colors and done nothing for me (I was in a psychiatric ward for 16 days right after the break-up and she didn't even call me once.. yes she knew I was there.. when I got out she finally called to ask me if I could ask the landlord if she could move into the house THAT I JUST LOST!).. tomorrow will be 8 weeks since he left me and 8 weeks I have not heard from him.. I have kept no contact on my end.. that's all I have, and it feels like nothing.. Link to comment
DN Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Are you still receiving psychiatric care? Link to comment
Andie Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 yeah, I go once a week.. Link to comment
DN Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Is it helping? You need someone who will help you find practical ways to help your situation. You need to clear your mind as quickly as you can so you can get some sort of employment, find a proper place to live and start to put your life back together. Right now you are stuck, because of what happened, but sooner or later you are going to have to come to the terms that the only person who can truly help you now is you. You should be starting to plan how to do that. Set goals for yourself, and don't give up because of your difficulties. Treat getting a job as if it were a job. Get moving on that as soon as you can. Stop dwelling on what was then and is now and start thinking about what will be. And how you can make that happen. Link to comment
Andie Posted February 19, 2005 Author Share Posted February 19, 2005 I have a job, I'm just on disability from it.. My real problem is that I am devastated over this break-up.. my ankle surgery will heal and is doing ok.. my broken heart is not doing well at ALL.. I would rather someone had died than be going through this.. Link to comment
mana Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 Im sure everyone in this forum will agree that a break up can be worse than a death. Its gotta be one of the worst emotional pains a person can go through.Sadly there is no easy cure to fix the pain. Just time. I sincerely feel for you. HOWEVER....I did wonder when i read your first post whether or not you were joking. This guy was fat ,toothless ,depressed and he owed you money!!!!. Why the hell would you want THAT back. ( hey and nothing against fat people..im overweight myself)...but geeze. Girl you have to apply some personal standards. This guy was a real loser on all levels and if you want more of that then its not him you need to focus on but yourself! You appear to be a nice person who only wants to be loved and respected. Tell yourself that you DESERVE LOVE AND RESPECT, and settle for nothing less!!! Waste no more time on your ex. Let all your energy from now on be focused on you. You can do it!!! Link to comment
fantasia2004 Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 Your absolute best bet now is to accept the fact that he used you as a crutch, no longer feels that he needs that and has moved on. Part of the reason for that is not that you are unattractive but that you now remind him of the person that he was and he wants to forget that whole chapter of his life. Yes, it is cruel for you and he is being remarkably selfish but he is concentrating in himself right now and not you. Dn so right you are so right Link to comment
Andie Posted February 21, 2005 Author Share Posted February 21, 2005 HOWEVER....I did wonder when i read your first post whether or not you were joking. This guy was fat ,toothless ,depressed and he owed you money!!!!. Why the hell would you want THAT back. ( hey and nothing against fat people..im overweight myself)...but geeze. He WAS, but lost 120 pounds and fixed his teeth.. worked past the depression by improving his looks.. sorry you got confused.. Link to comment
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