Sex life ruined after abortion

[Saures]

In December last year I had an abortion, a year on, and whilst I am gradually recovering emotionally from the abortion, I am struggling to maintain a healthy Sex life with my partner.

 

Before the pregnancy and abortion, I was extremely sexual, I would pester him, buy underwear, light candles, spend ages in bed, but afterwards, I have absolutely no interest in it at all, I understand that this is probably due to what happened, but it is really starting to bother him, and me, about my lack of interest.

 

I have seen doctors and counsellors but they have been of no use, I'm really at a loss.

 

 

The abortion was a difficult decision, my partner was 100% keen to have it, he was terrified, I was unsure, so at the time, I did feel forced, but I 100% believe it was the right decision, I was unemployed, no savings, we lived in a shared flat, only had a two seater car, I could not drive.

[melancholy123]

Go back to counselling, with a different counsellor. Your life should not be so upsetting one year afterwards.

[mhowe]

I would say the issue is psychological, as the abortion was a result of sex. Perhaps a counselor is in order.

[tiredofvampires]

Have your feelings toward your partner changed? If so, how? Do you feel resentment towards him?

[Dottieflanogon]

I would recommend that you talk about how you are feeling with your physician and possibly be screened and assessed for postpartum depression. Sometimes, just having the ability to talk with someone can help!

[youareworthy]

I agree with Dottie. One of the problems after an abortion is that the pregnancy ends abruptly, but your body's hormones are not alerted or consulted first. It takes the body a good while to realize that the pregnancy is over. Post-partum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder are often the result. It is not the same process as a miscarriage, in which your body sends signals that a death of the fetus has occurred.

 

I also agree with mhowe that your experience may easily have put you off sex since sex is what creates pregnancy. That makes all the sense in the world. Definitely get a therapist on board for yourself.

 

I also recommend that your partner seek counseling, as he also experienced two losses: the new person that was coming (even though he was in favor of the abortion), and your erstwhile (former) sexual communications. It also doesn't seem amiss to recommend a bit of couple's therapy to help you over this hurdle.

 

Best wishes in your healing.

[SpottiOtti]

I second the person who recommended that you try another therapist. Or, if you don't want to do that, try journaling or looking up some books about grief and loss after abortion. And I think the question about whether you have any resentment toward him is a great one. Do you? You mentioned feeling forced into it; and even though logically you believe it was the right decision, there is part of you still mourning the loss; that part of you might be blaming your boyfriend for it.

[Ms Darcy]

Bear with me, perhaps you are having some subconscious issues/anxieties around sex ... after all that's what created the initial pregnancy. Have you and your partner had open conversations about the abortion, how you both feel, preventative measures for the future, what would you do if you got pregnant again, your future together?

[Saures]

When we first found out I was pregnant, he was very angry, upset and confused, and was quite horrible about the situation, I said we need to discuss our options and he kept saying that there were no options, we had to get rid of it, I could keep it but I could "count him out". It was very hurtful for both of us, he had a lot of ambitions in life, he felt that having a child this early in his life (he was 21 at the time) would get in the way which I completely understood.

 

Admittedly, I did feel he forced my hand at the situation, and after the abortion, I did resent him, and in ways, I would go as far as to say I hated him.

 

It has taken me a long time to get over what happened, months afterwards I was still struggling to walk past baby clothes, see or hear children, my sister has a one year old daughter and she came to my parents and I visited as well and just dumped the child on me for 30 minutes and I went home and had panic attacks and was hysterics because of it.

 

I do believe now, on the face of it, that I am over the abortion, I don't feel anger towards my boyfriend at all, after the abortion, seeing how truly heartbroken I was because of it, he has been extremely sensitive and also feels a bit of remorse and guilt over what we had done and he would never put me through it again.

 

In regards to the Sex, I am terrified of becoming pregnant, whilst I would like a family, I can now see neither of us are ready or mature enough, so I don't want a child and I definitely don't want an abortion, I just want to be able to fulfil his needs but I simply can't, I can't get in the mood, I don't crave Sex, I don't want to have Sex with him to shut him up, I want to want to have Sex with him but it just doesn't seem to ever happen, when it does, it feels more like a chore these days.

[Seraphim]

OK ,but if you can't get have sex again for fear of getting pregnant then you're not over what happened that's just common sense. Not that I blame you after four miscarriages I didn't want to have sex again either. But you have to be truthful with yourself some part of this you are not over. You need to explore this with another counselor. Most likely it's probably your resentment of him.

[notalady]

I think you still resent him for forcing your hand with the abortion decision. Once you resent someone, I hardly think you're still going to feel like having sex with them.

 

To be honest his behaviour when you got pregnant sounds very disrespectful, I don't care he was 21. He got angry (at who? It was partly his responsibility too), told you there were no options and you had to get rid of it, without asking for your input and how you feel about the situation, and going as far as to say to count him out if you keep the baby, so he was ready to leave you to bear the consequences of what was partly his responsibility.

 

This isn't about if you think abortion was the right thing to do, it's about his mindset and behaviour throughout the event. People show their true selves under stress. This demonstrated his utter lack of sense of responsibility and he will not stick with you when the going gets rough. I would not trust a man like that and would not have stayed with him after this episode.

[Ms Darcy]

I may be wrong, but I don't think he regrets the abortion so much as feels bad that you felt bad.

 

A question for you to really ask yourself is, if you got pregnant again (because it can happen) would you be willing to go through another abortion? I don't know. This relationship doesn't seem .... like one I would want to stay in.

[abitbroken]

From what I have seen, abortions tend to end relationships if one party wanted the baby, or if neither did but one party reacts badly (tells the person "abortion is the only option. If you have the baby i'm gone" rather than "I am here for you - let's figure this out. Let's take a deep breath.) You saw his true colors, basically. Honestly, I wouldn't continue building a future with him - I would seek additional counseling. I would find some grief counseling as well. There are programs like Project Rachel that are faith based support groups and there are surely some therapists who specialize as well. And for the comment of "a year later you should be over this" - untrue. Many women grieve longer than that, for sure.

[abitbroken]

I think you still resent him for forcing your hand with the abortion decision. Once you resent someone, I hardly think you're still going to feel like having sex with them.

 

To be honest his behaviour when you got pregnant sounds very disrespectful, I don't care he was 21. He got angry (at who? It was partly his responsibility too), told you there were no options and you had to get rid of it, without asking for your input and how you feel about the situation, and going as far as to say to count him out if you keep the baby, so he was ready to leave you to bear the consequences of what was partly his responsibility.

 

This isn't about if you think abortion was the right thing to do, it's about his mindset and behaviour throughout the event. People show their true selves under stress. This demonstrated his utter lack of sense of responsibility and he will not stick with you when the going gets rough. I would not trust a man like that and would not have stayed with him after this episode.

 

Not to mention he could have signed away his rights for the baby to be adopted or for her to raise the baby without him - there are other options for him not to be a father. It sounded like he was more concerned about what he would be on the hook for over her feelings - whatever she ultimately decided.