pieces together

[unworthy]

After pneumonia, and some of the worst stomach flu ever in the span of a few weeks, I've realized that I was really dying. It wasn't my situation that was killing me so much as my attitude. For months I was telling myself that ill never be OK. Truth is, believing that makes it true. Now I tell myself the opposite. I will be OK. Everything will be OK. Yesterday was the first day in months that I didn't break down into sobs over my failures as a husband.

 

It doesn't matter if it's true or not, I have to believe that it will be OK, otherwise I might as well be dead already.

 

My wife asked me if I wanted to try again last night. I was shocked. Lately she said she can't stand the way I walk. I hesitated, and she got mad and said that was all she needed to know. Naturally this led to a fight about whether this is good for the kids. I told her some of the things you guys said about how parents who don't love each other mess up their kids. She responded with what she read about divorce messing up kids more.

 

At least we got to bed before 12:30. I'm still not sure where she stands. I'm honestly a little mad that she gets to think about trying again but I have to answer instantly.

 

*sigh*

Everything will be OK.

[Hermes]

For Pete's sake, Unworthy. I hesitate to ask what age you and your wife are.

What the h**l has the "way you walk" (how DO you walk anyhow?!) to do with her asking if you wanted to try again. WHY, why does EVERYTHING you talk about ALWAYS lead to a fight. Children wouldn't behave like that.

Come on, Unworthy.

[DoF]

Another member posted this.....you should read it on regular basis

 

/

 

When crap hits the fan, it's one of the most important moments. What you do next matters. There are usually 2 choices, be weak/negative/depressed/complain/curl up into corner/cry etc or be strong/positive and optimistic.

 

Being strong/positive and optimistic is pretty much the only way to go when it comes to ANYTHING.

 

Good luck and sorry to hear about your health trouble.

[browneyedgirl36]

Ugh. I'm all about trying to work out relationships -- especially longterm ones in which children, shared finances, etc. are involved, but...this one doesn't sound fixable to me.

 

Did I read right, that lately she doesn't like the way you WALK? If so, oh dear, this is the death knell of a relationship -- finding fault with everything you do, even the littlest things, things you can't help (how you walk, how you chew your food, the sound/volume of your breathing, your voice, etc.) If she's finding fault with things like this, the relationship is over in her mind.

 

She is ABSOLUTELY WRONG that divorce messes children up more than staying together does -- unless, of course, the divorce is extremely acrimonious and the parents are screaming at each other daily, calling each other names in front of the children, the children are being abused or neglected in some way(s), etc.

 

Your situation sounds SO much like my current boyfriend's marriage to his ex-wife and how it ended several years ago. While the circumstances surrounding the breakdown of their marriage were vastly different than yours, his ex-wife behaved similarly: she made him sleep on the couch (which he did for the last two years of their marriage, even LOCKING HIM OUT of the bedroom at night so he couldn't get in); barely spoke to him for the last two years; refused counseling; found fault with every little thing he did -- she told him he chewed his food too loudly, and even told him to go outside and eat when he was eating "noisy foods" like apples, carrots, and cereal (the thing is, I've been with him for nearly a year -- he doesn't chew any louder than I do or anyone else does! The thing was, she didn't want a divorce, but she also didn't want to be married to him, if that makes sense. I think she wanted the convenience of being married -- the help around the house and with the kids, the financial help, etc., that she knew would be gone if he left. He stuck it out for several years in misery. Finally, one day, he decided he had to leave. And you know what? His oldest child, who was nine at the time, told him she was SO relieved. He rented a little house, got a second job for extra income, and got shared custody. His kids are happy, smart, well-adjusted, and the oldest in particular, who suffered the most while they were married, is always telling him how glad she is that he made the decision to leave. In fact, when he first brought his kids over to his new house and showed them everything, his daughter jumped onto her new bed and said, "I feel so relieved."

 

Never, ever underestimate how much kids pick up from their parents. Never underestimate how a tense, contentious relationship between their parents will affect them.

 

Moreover, neither you nor your wife should live like this. Clearly, she has deep-seated anger toward you (some of it justified, I think, based on reading your other posts), and she's punishing you (which, while understandable in a way, isn't really fair -- instead of punishing you, she needs to call an end to things and let you both go on with your lives).

 

Life is too short to live in misery. I think it's time to call this one a loss and move forward. The kids will survive, and I have a feeling they -- and you -- will be significantly better off in the long run.

[WithLove]

^

 

Mom came to me once when I was 9 and brought up the subject of divorce. I told her not to stay married for my sake, because it sucked that everyone was so unhappy. Kids know. When they did finally divorce (I was 12), it was the best decision she ever did. She's never regretted it and neither have I.

[thejigsup]

I've personally seen so many kids messed up for life by divorce. If you have children, try ANYTHING to save your marriage. If you can't, divorce, but don't think for one second this won't scar your children and affect their future relationships. I've seen suicide, being kicked out of school for negative behavior, drugs, sexual promiscuity, etc... The kids mostly cited their loss of trust in adults and relationships as the key. I feel for all of you.

[Hermes]

Fully agree with you Jigsup.

[SooSad33]

If you two do nothing but bicker n argue.. the kids aren't stupid. They can pick up the tenseness. it is best to remove yourself from a harsh surrounding and work on being 'parents' separately. It can be done...

 

I saved myself and my boys 'sanity' by removing us from a pathetic home life with a damaged Ex. To the point we were all walking on egg shells. NOT the way to live!

 

Today, the kids are MUCH better stability & mental-wise. Living with me and seeing their dad on weekends.

Things don't always work out.. and if they aren't don't make the kids suffer.

 

PS. Glad YOU are starting to feel better

[Hermes]

Thought I'd put up this link:

 

 

 

An excerpt:

 

"What separates contempt from criticism is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. With your words and body language, you're lobbing insults right into the heart of your partner's sense of self. Fueling these contemptuous actions are negative thoughts about the partner--he or she is stupid, incompetent, a fool. In direct or subtle fashion, that message gets accross along with the criticism.

 

When this happened, they ceased being able to remember why they had fallen in love in the first place. As a consequence, they rarely complimented each other anymore or expressed mutual admiration or attraction. The focal point of their relationship became abusiveness."

 

"Recognizing when you or your spouse is expressing contempt is fairly easy. Among the most common signs are:

 

o Insults and name-calling

 

o Hostile humor

 

o Mockery

 

o Body language--including sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip.

[boltnrun]

OP has already said his three year old tries to break up their fights.

 

And yet, they should stay together???