Should I stay with him?

[Kahlanbeau1]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years. We are early 20s.

 

(I had previously been in a mentally and sexually abusive relationship where my ex had started to get physical. He was very controlling, cheated on me etc, I got out eventually.

 

My boyfriend has been there for me, always made sure I got home safe after going to work, two times I've had my drink spiked in a club, each time he's come and got me, carried me to his car, took me home even whilst being sick everywhere. We went on trips together, fell in love. Never argue.

 

I've struggled to admit my feelings for him, I'm not a soppy girl, but I've sometimes brushed aside the gestures he has made. Once he came to my house, woke me up with flowers for our anniversary. I told him not to do that again. I've struggled to let him in to my life emotionally. I got scared every time he got too close. I feel this has caused some issues.

 

I did 2 and a half years into the relationship find out he had lied to me over watching porn. He said he never had etc etc. we got over that, then he proceeded to add all his ex gfs on snapchat and flirt with them. He lied over this, then admitted it. I ended the relationship. In a few weeks he contacted me, said how much he misses me, he was sorry etc. I thought I may have over reacted, so we agreed to go on dates, take it slow. As we never dated before. We got back together. I worked hard on my issue of trust, as it was him lying that hurt me. He got rid of snapchat, I never asked him too. We've been together another year since. Again no arguments, we went on holiday, we've learnt a new sport, snowboarding together. We have lots of sex still, chill out etc. No issues with each other. I've let him into my life.

 

He is joining the army next month, I've known this for a few years. I said we need a strong relationship to even try and make this work once he goes in.

A few months ago, (he rarely goes clubbing) he went out, and for some reason gave his number to a girl. ( I did a thread about this so I won't go into it). Basically the girl text 'hi' he text back saying 'sweet' and that was it. No further texts for months. I asked him about this last night, and he said this girl wrote her number down in his notes section on his phone, to give it to a friend who left earlier. I've seen the text, so he is lying about getting it in notes. As I've said neither he or this girl have ever messaged each other again, so it seems he could have got it for his mate. Or maybe that's B/S. (Basically he'd leant me his iPad for me to edit my art on, whilst he was out and the messages came up through iMessage) I didn't say anything back then. As I didn't know if I was over reacting.

 

Now with him going in the army, everything seems to be coming back to me, I'm now worried over why he lied over this number. I don't know what to do. In a way we both messed up a little but I feel we worked on it and sorted it. But then again he starts to lie when I ask him over it, either embellishing the truth or just plain lying.

 

I dont know whether it's best for me and him if I end it before he goes in the army. He leaves in 2 weeks. Or whether I'm just panicking and we could resolve this issue?

 

Any advice? What would you do?

 

I view him not just as my lover, but as my best friend. (I do have girlfriends, he has guy mates,) I want to do what's right for both of us. But I feel if he wants to flirt with girls then being with me isn't right??

he says he never goes out to flirt with girls, just to have fun with his mates. He's told me he never wants to break up, and has talked about marriage and a home with me.

[melancholy123]

His time being away in the army could be just what you two need to sort out your feelings for each other. Personally I'd use that time to figure myself out, what I want and dont want, what's acceptable and what's not. You are wise to be concerned about his lies and the phone # on his phone. Maybe the army will help him mature, which has to be a good thing.

[Kahlanbeau1]

Thank you, that's a good idea. He's off to basic training, so we won't have contact with each other for a few weeks. It'll both give us time.

[DoF]

His "questionable" actions aside, you need to ask yourself:

 

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone that will be far away for extended periods of times and potentially never come back?

 

I will be the first one to tell you that Long Distance KILLS relationships regardless what you do. Relationships need daily/regular basis involvement/companionship and hard work. NONE of it can be done remotely.