Just need to vent and get feedback....

[misskeshaw]

Long story short, trust your gut. Even if you are a loving loyal nurturing person, your instincts about someone are usually right. I spent almost 3 years in a relationship with a man that is passive aggressive. It's a personality disorder for those that don't know. I thought by showing him love and compassion and unconditional support he would change. During this time I was never loved back. I constantly did things for him with no reciprication. He was quick to anger when I tried to talk to him about it or he would just shut down stare at me or become spiteful and blast the stereo so I couldn't talk. He would take his phone out and record me crying to him and tell me that he was gonna show everyone how crazy I was. The list of spite goes on. I've had him back into my car, turn the breaker off so there was no air. He took apart my coffee machine. I've been burnt with a lighter, called names. Ive been walked out on, blocked from calling or texting him. All because I wanted his love and affection. Imagine that. During this terror, he was very secretive about his phone, email and Facebook. I knew something was going on. He twisted my words, lied constantly and got caught several times point blank and still denied it. I was threatened with the cops so many times for asking why he wouldnt touch me or tell me I was beautiful. I literally lived in constant hurt and pain. He never hugged me when I cried. And before everyone starts with the you should have left. Love is love and sometimes it takes time to realize what reality is. Or you hold on to some hope that things will change or that your love is enough to make him open up. Never in my life have I ever dealt with a man like this and it was a constant struggle everyday. There were good times but the bad outweighed by far. I never felt loved, safe, appreciated, attractive, or just human. I did however feel abused, tired, suspicious, in trusting, the list goes on. There is a song where one of the lines says "my heart says leave, but my feet won't move" that was me. Deep down inside I knew all along that he was no good for me and didn't love me. But we got a house together, dogs, vacations, and I couldn't understand why he would do all of this with me if he didn't wanna be with me? This is one of the scariest things about passive aggressive personality disorder. They can pretend to want these things but never really feel any of the emotion. They cannot physically form an emotional bond with anyone. I learned the hard way. I was broken down manipulated, lied to, hurt, made to feel like I was nothing. And all the while he never said I'm sorry. Never saw my pain. I loved him. Why? I asked that all the time.

We'll I finally came to my senses and decided to make decisions for the better. For my life. I had his phone bugged, got the truth and found out the depth of his lying. He was on chat dating sites telling other women that he was someone he wasnt. So he was lying to me, lying to them and lying to himself. I also found numerous port sites he was registered to. The pain I felt reading the thinges he told these woman that he never told me was enough for me to see red. It took all I had for the next few days not to grab a bat and beat the living out of him. I asked him during this time if he was texting or emailing other woman and he would get angry and tell me I needed to stop acc using him of things he wasn't doing and no, and all the while my app was notifying me of all the times he would log in and start chatting. I was crushed that he could lie right to my face. That was it for me. The breaking point. I waited until the following Monday to get up, act like I was getting ready for work. I waited for him to leave and started packing all my stuff. I put everything in storage. And left that afternoon. By the way everything in the house was mine so he came home to an empty house. Right before I left I took screenshots of all the proof I had. Left them in the mailbox, changed all his passwords to his email Facebook, dating sites and the recovery information and deleted the all. I finally had enough and the old me came back. Needless to say he was pissed and it has now been a week and he is still denying it won't admit anything and is turning this around on me like always. He can never do any wrong in his mind. Even when it was right there in front of him. So now I'm sad, confused, angry, devastated, and I don't even know why. I should be able to shake it off and know I made the right decision to get away from a toxic man. So any feedback would be appreciated. Positive comments and words to keep me on the right path. I can never go back to a man I cannot trust, bUT why does it hurt so much?

[Movingforward3]

Perhaps, with your new life you can learn about paragraphs.

[alli]

I think it's good that you finally left. I majored in psychology for my undergrad degree, and I remember one of my instructors saying that personality disorders can't really be treated. How can anyone change their personality? If in fact that was what he was diagnosed with.

 

I think it was a good plan getting out as quickly as you could. It's kind of vindictive to change all of his passwords; other than that I think you made good choices. But why are you still talking to him? It's time to cut loose & move on with the rest of your life.

 

Also, you really didn't need to wait until you had solid proof of what he was doing to exit the relationship. Being unhappy is grounds enough. I hope you take some time for yourself to heal. It always hurts. Again, stop talking to him! Maybe change your phone number if it will keep you from talking to him. I just wonder if you will end up going back to him, since you were willing to put up with a lot of BS before finally doing it. It's time to put yourself first. It will get better soon!

[misskeshaw]

You can read can't you?

[misskeshaw]

Thanks but I needed to know that I wasn't crazy. Vindictive yes perhaps, but no less then what I dealt with and no more.

 

That was me closing the chapter and learning that I should have listened to myself. I won't make that mistake again. There's a first for everything.

[Hollyj]

Obviously, you can't write, or you would have broken it into paragraphs.

 

Remember, you are asking others to help you. Be more considerate!

[misskeshaw]

I guess this is a major issue here. It was entered using the voice text. So instead of listening and giving advice people critizize. Huh...

[Hollyj]

It is a difficult read. You do not accept criticism well. I got through part of the story, before giving up..

 

You should have bailed on this guy long ago. It was an abusive relationship. You need to address your issues of poor self esteem and zero boundaries.

 

Please seek professional counseling to understand why you allowed yourself to be in this situation.

 

Lastly, you are not doctor. Stop diagnosing. Even if he has a disorder, it does not matter. You can't change his behaviors, only your own. Focus on that.

[toby17]

Perhaps, with your new life you can learn about paragraphs.

 

Omg, I don't know the last time I laughed so hard. Thanks Moving Forward. Ahh

[Kahlanbeau1]

You have been in an abusive relationship. He has mentally wore you down, and played mind games with you. You should never stay with anyone like that, as it only gets worse. Clearly he does not love you or any of these other women. Whatever problems he has, he needs to sort out himself, no one can help him do that.

 

A few years ago, I was in a relationship where the guy was very controlling, over what I wore, said, my make up, friends, family etc. I was accused of cheating if I even looked in the direction of a guy. I found out he was the one who actually had another girlfriend. But it took a lot of breaking up, me going back to him before I realised what he was.

 

View yourself as having escaped. I think in a way even love that has gone bad, can be extremely hard to break away from. It's kinda like giving up an addiction. That's how I felt. It takes time, and support, and huge mental commitment to do so. But you can do it, and every day you stay away from him you'll get a little bit better.

 

Find a way to keep yourself busy physically and mentally in the day, whether it's work, or a new hobby etc. Beinh busy is what helped me.

[ParisPaulette]

You were in an abusive relationship. Like many have and do and will, you thought love was the answer. And unfortunately, with things like those who are quick to anger and emotionally and/or physically abusive it's not. People often mistakenly believe, or the abuser tells them, that if only someone would treat them right or help them with their low self-esteem, with their terrible childhood, with their disorders that they'd be okay. That by you somehow giving the abuser a pass continually they could change.

 

And nothing is further from the truth. Ever. Abusers change only if they want to change just as addicts and alcoholics only get and STAY sober and clean if they choose to do so. And that choice does not come easy, it comes at a very heavy amount of effort and price.

 

I think abusive tendencies very much share certain traits with other addictions, I'm not too sure they aren't addictions. I worked in a women's shelter, I've seen it enough to wonder about that.

 

So you found yourself with someone abusive and now you've gotten free. My advice is to get some therapy, educate yourself on warning signs of abusive personalities, and in work out how to draw your own boundaries and what you will and won't put up with in the future. And then stick to those boundaries no matter what, at the beginning of a relationship. That means when you see someone quick to anger in an irrational manner, you leave then and there. You saw red flags with this guy long before he really began to full on drop the mask. As you said, trust your gut. It usually IS right.

 

And you did good in finally having enough. Now you need to walk away, go NC, ignore him when he swears he will change, because he won't. He couldn't even admit what was there in black and white and that means he is nowhere even close to changing, if he ever will, without say five years of therapy and a near death experience or three to maybe make him decide the problem is him, not anyone else. And I wouldn't hold my breath on that.

 

What you're feeling is the death of the hopes you had for the relationship, the loss of someone you thought could change. Any relationship has had its good moments, how could it not? And that's what you miss, not him per se, but the version of him that you loved. And that just takes time to fade, but it will fade.

 

At some point when you're involved with someone toxic you just have to say enough is enough and realize love is NOT enough, that's a total garbage lie. It's not enough when the other person is not able to receive or give love in a healthy manner, it will never be enough. So yeah, keep going, never look back, don't believe him when he realizes you're going and needs to don that mask of "I'm a good guy who will say what you want to hear" again. Look around this forum and you'll plenty of instances where people went back to a toxic or abusive person only to, no big surprise, have them slide back into the same behaviors once they understood they'd won the partner back. So no, there comes a time when you listen to your head when your heart isn't doing you any favors and could get you killed or so torn down as a person nothing's left. I've done it twice, once with a drug addict and once with a chronic cheater. I survived, recovered, wondered why I stayed as long as I did and moved on. I'm with a wonderful man now who is everything those other men were never going to be. So yeah, you do recover, give yourself time and space to do so. And again, NC, NC, NC. I found out the hard way you can't recover if you're still in touch with them.

 

You will move on from this. Treat it as you would any other breakup and like I said some counseling and yes some self-education on abusive relationships will do you a world of good. Start by reading Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." It's a good one. Good luck and take care. Focus on your own healing and let him go be whatever it is he's going to be. You