Advice or help for recovering from abusive relationship with NPD??

[SadOregon]

Hello all,

 

I've been reading these threads and have learned so much! I'm hopeful to hear feedback.

 

Four years ago I fell in love with a man I thought was my soul mate. The first six months of our relationship were total bliss. But then it was like a fell from a pedestal and couldn't stop falling. He would rage at me, saying vile things, slamming doors, and then drive off to his place, giving me the silent treatment for days or weeks. Each time we would get back together, vowing to work it out. His outbursts became frequent until it felt like I was walking on eggshells. He nit-picked everything from how I load the dishwasher to my opinion about Woody Allen (seriously).

 

I became a complete emotional wreck. I became genuinely convinced I was the problem. He believes any "reasonable" person would respond with such anger to me. I do have anxiety, but it was well managed before our relationship. His outbursts and verbal and emotional abuse made me more anxious, until I was in a state of constant stress, and that only made him madder. This back and forth went on for FOUR YEARS.

 

The last time we tried we were dating for only a week, before he lost it again. He stormed off again, calling me a , frightening my youngest, and left me a sobbing, emotional wreck.

 

Right now I think my saving grace is my kids. I adopted three fantastic kids from foster care. Trust me when I say these are great kids that anyone would find easy. They help around the house, do chores and are super kind and responsible. They really wanted a father figure and instead got someone who treated them like they bothers and failures. Now that has crossed the line to being verbally abusive to them I KNOW I have to make this break up stick.

 

I have a great therapist who at one point saw both of us together. She told me to research NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and it describes him perfectly: 1) First stage he puts his target on a pedestal 2) Devaluation phase where he found increasing fault with target 3) Discard phase where he denounces target and simply has no remorse.

 

I have been NC for a month and am still in terrible pain. Here's what I could use advice about. Please be kind!

 

1) He is very charming and we shared a large community of social friends. He has gotten them on his side using social media as well as his social charm. He is very, very good at playing a hurt little boy. Even though he broke up with me (again) he has all these people convinced I am the bad guy. One friend contacted me recently to talk about how he "worships" me and all this other crap. I feel like going NC means I am letting him "get away" with this crazy making behavior. It kills me that mutual friends are running to comfort an abusive man who broke up with a kind woman. I know they haven't seen his abusive side, but still...any advice for how to handle this part of NC? Do I just let it go and hope eventually these people see through it? I blocked him on FB. Should I block these friends as well? I've tried to take the higher road and not comment about our relationship publicly.

 

2) I am angry with myself for letting this man traumatize me, and putting my kids through four years of tumult. I know he cannot or will not change, because in his mind he is always right. Does anyone have an good tips on accepting that he will not change? It is not in my nature to give up hope on someone. How do I give up hope in this person? How do I accept I was wrong about him?

 

I know some people might think it is wrong to care about and grieve someone who is probably NPD who is abusive, but I do grieve. I am in awful pain.

 

Thank you, kind people.

[jennylove]

I'm angry at you, too- Those poor kids!!!!

[shellyf62]

I'm angry at you, too- Those poor kids!!!!

 

Totally agree!

It is your choice to keep putting yourself in the position of being abused by this man, but your children have no say in the matter.

 

My mother was married 5 times, and they were all abusive towards my sisters & I. I have very little contact with her now, as having children of my own I cannot fathom how she could put us through that. The worst guy tried to stab me, that is how bad things got.

 

You need to stop thinking about yourself here. You need to start thinking about your children. They will be frightened of this man, and will be hoping & praying that you have decided to keep him away from them for good.

 

Who gives a crap if your "friends" believe him, true friends will know the real story & stick by you whatever he says.

 

Please don't take him back, your children deserve to feel safe & loved.

[sleepingdonut]

Makes me think of Dwight Yoakam's character in Sling Blade. I'm sorry you and your children went through this, but the only change that actually matters at this point is the change in your life and your childrens' lives for the better, meaning no more chances for this guy. Time to let it go for good.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your children are going through. And yes, unfortunately only really discerning people can see through a manipulator's lies. It's likely time to find a better class of friends anyways, because if they're "his" friends he will have chosen them based on their ability to be manipulated. And yes, abusers can play very well in public, not so nice behind closed doors.

 

I just found an excellent article on sociopaths, which I think might apply giving some good tips on what you can do to lessen the damage.

 

Also I wouldn't necessarily take the high or the low road, I'd go total NC on the lot of them. It's time to do some serious carving away of anyone associated with him and to move you and your children far, far away from anyone's reach who is associated with him as best you can. In the meantime follow the above tips. Chances are good after he's screwed over a friend or two somewhere down the line it will dawn on them "Oh, maybe that's what happened," but otherwise don't rise to the bait. He is indeed trying to bait you into a fight to keep control.

 

NC helps you to get free and clear of all of that, to heal, and to also take away the very thing such types of toxic people crave the most--you still being twisted about by them.

 

Stay focused, stay in therapy, create a brand-new life without him and learn how to never find yourself with such a person again. This can become a positive if you heal and can get distance, you can come out the other side of it. The sun will shine again.

 

And it is always normal to grieve the loss of a relationship. You aren't a sociopath or worse, you have empathy and emotions, that just makes you more human, not less. Don't feel bad for having a hard time getting the rug yanked out from under you, anyone would. NC will help as will therapy, so keep moving forward. It will not always hurt the way it does now.

[melancholic_too]

I'm angry at you, too- Those poor kids!!!!

 

How exactly is this helpful? She shouldn't go back, but geez...

[jennylove]

Where did I insinuate she should go back to him???

Yep, damn you to hell for putting your foster kids through this shiot for four funkin years. Oh but but but but...they are your saving grace, or ahem, your Kleenex? umm hello, it's not their responsibility to save you from shiot. You are supposed to be THEIR rock. But hey, at least you don't have to do chores, huh?

[melancholic_too]

Where did I insinuate she should go back to him???

Yep, damn you to hell for putting your foster kids through this shiot for four funkin years. Oh but but but but...they are your saving grace, or ahem, your Kleenex? umm hello, it's not their responsibility to save you from shiot. You are supposed to be THEIR rock. But hey, at least you don't have to do chores, huh?

 

I didn't say you insinuated that. That was a separate statement as in "No, she should not go back to him, that's right". She did screw up, but to just say "I'm angry at you too" is... well, if you get a kick out of kicking people that are already down then that's you.

 

I also don't know if I would have read as much into her post, like, that she has them to do her chores. I think she was trying to point out they are 'good' kids. Hopefully she can turn things around from here. She can step away from an abusive relationship (which many here may be able to tell you isn't always easy) and get things together for her sake and for the kids sake.

 

Not looking for fights on there btw... so, don't take things I said as such.

[Silverbirch]

ParisPaulette gives e cel lent advice. There are many good online resources to learn about NPD and how people become affected by them. If you need to walk away from these people in your social circle, that price is worth paying for your sanity.

 

I've come up against several NPD's in the corporate world and the best thing a person can do is keep them out of your life.