bethandthebear Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 My daughter is 5 1/2, her father and I had been married for a couple of years when I got pregnant and when she was born in 2010, we split when she was 9 months old, though the divorce took until the start of 2013. We were planning on breaking up before I found out that I was pregnant so we decided to try and stick it out. He wasn't really involved then after he moved out he was pretty much out of the picture. He brought his parents up for her first Xmas the following month but then he just gave up. He wanted nothing to do with her until she was just under 3. His parents wanted to see her and the judge basically forced his hand by making him have to be present in a temporary visitation agreement with the grandparents. For a couple of months we had one week with me, one week with him, until I found out he was being abusive toward her, leaving her in the car for hours to go see his gf, and he lost all visitation rights so he hasn't been in the picture since other than the child support check. My son just turned 4 last month. His father was sort of my rebound while I was just starting with my divorce, he was a friend I'd reconnected with when he moved back to town. It didn't last long and he wasn't there for the end part of my pregnancy and hasn't been around other than a couple times a year since. He's too busy with drugs now to be bothered about being a father to my son or to his two girls he had beforehand these days. I'm now 9 months pregnant with my second daughter. I started dating a guy at work at the end of 2012 and I thought I was finally in the right relationship. He had a couple of kids with his ex-wife who I treated like my own and he loved my kids, we moved in together, and were engaged until I got pregnant and he went back to his ex. Now he's another who's split and acts like he wants nothing to do with me or my kids or our kid on the way. It was hardly my fantasy or my plan for any of this. I didn't plan on being divorced or left, to keep winding up single, all alone taking care of three kids on my own, wasn't my plan to have three kids by different dads, wasn't my plan for the dads to all turn out to be you-know-whats. But this is life and here I am. I do what I have to to provide for my family but sometimes it gets too overwhelming being on my own with everything and I get scared and frustrated with life, with the kids, with everything. I love my children more than anything in the world and cannot grasp how their fathers all just abandoned them. Not only was it once or twice but with all three of the fathers! Ex #1 has a new kids who he's taking care of just fine from what I know, ex #2 isn't in any of his kids' lives much, ex #3 just cares about his older kids. I don't ever know how to explain to my children about the deadbeats when I don't understand any of them my own self. I live paycheck to paycheck but I do still make a pretty decent living for us but it mostly only covers bills and food and things we need rather than having extra to get a lot of fun things or toys or take them places often. I had a nice house but am being kicked out by my landlord so am struggling to find a new place right now. Child support helps a little but only ex #1 pays regularly as it comes automatically from his disability. I'm terrified about having the 3rd child to take care of though as sometimes I'm already struggling. My daughter started school this year while my son started pre-school. He's got a lot of anger issues which doesn't help much. My dad and stepmom live about an hour away while my mom and stepdad live here in town but they can only help so much or rather are willing to help only so much. I feel like most of my family beyond them look down on me about my situation. I'm worrying about having money for everything, having time and even the space. I hate being alone and everything being all on me! I wish I had someone who I could have this family with, who could be my other half, could help raise these kids, give them a good father role model but I am also so tired of being hurt and let down. I worry about who'd even want me as the single mom with 3 kids. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I suggest personal counseling. You don't want to be alone so much that you won't take time for yourself and heal - but rather, jump in with a new guy on the rebound. rebound guys don't last - but yet you are puzzled as to why they bailed on you. I suspect you never went to counseling after your marriage fell apart. Do you not know that sex=pregnancy. You have to own your part in this. Its not that these men simply abandoned you and poor you - you are the one who instead of being protective, had a sexual relationship with two of these men who had no intent on sticking around and were not committed to you AND did not use birth control, to boot. People may jump on me for that advice, but to me, if you are already a single mom with a kid - or two, you would be super protective of what man you bring into their life and of not having another with a hookup. Its the whole concept of when something bad happens - well stuff happens and its not your fault, but when the same thing happens again and again - you are part of the equation. That being said, I would not worry about what man would want a woman with three kids by three different men and focus on supporting these kids. You say the family looks down on you - well, they have their own lives and responsibilities. They help where they can, but have their own lives. And they also have to practice tough love in a way. They are probably deeply disappointed about you chasing after these men and continuing to get pregnant because you just can't stand being alone. Have you considered giving baby #3 up for adoption? I am not trying to be mean, but if you can't provide for a third, it may be a viable option. Link to comment
j.man Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 5 years, 3 children, 3 fathers I'm not saying this at all to simply be a jerk, but this is something to really let sink in. Adoption would by far be the best option here. You're going to lose your entire support structure if this keeps. Not that they sound like winners to begin with, but the fathers aren't going to want to deal with the tangled web that comes with two other kids and the high possibility they'll be waiting for Guy 1/2/3's parking spot. You'd also be limiting your pool of quality men. It's tough to find a guy who will take on two/three kids who aren't his own. It's even tougher if he knows there will potentially be three exes popping in and out. I'm not going to judge you. You're trying and at this point that's what counts. I'd let another loving family take this one off your hands and take a good, long break from men and having kids. Link to comment
JustWishing Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Go ahead and establish child support for your other two children and also...please start using birth control, because it seems to me that you are very fertile! Link to comment
SURPRISE Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 - I would never give my kid(s) up for adoption unless I had absolutely no choice and that sucks that people are suggesting it without knowing your circumstance fully! They need to re-read your post "I live paycheck to paycheck but I do still make a pretty decent living for us but it mostly only covers bills and food and things we need rather than having extra to get a lot of fun things or toys or take them places often." You have to exhaust all efforts first before that could even be a thought. Force all of the fathers to pony up for child support! The courts start out on your side, do what you can to make it all work out! By the way, real men can handle a woman with 3 kids. If they love you, they will love them too. My step dad took on 4 kids and was like a father to me more so then my own father! God bless you and your journey!! Link to comment
bethandthebear Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 abitbroken - I did go into counseling after my husband and I split up. My daughter and I are both now seeing someone as she's having trouble with not having a father lately. With my husband I thought we were going to be together for the rest of our lives when we got married and yes, with ex #2 that was a rebound situation and I own up to that, but ex #3 was - I thought - something real and my second chance at love. I was single other than a few dates for almost a year and it was a gradual build to our relationship. My last ex and I dated from 2012 until earlier this year, moved in together last year and had gotten engaged just before that. I'm not looking to go jump up and be with someone else right now but I can't deny it'd be nice down the road or even right now at times just to have someone there for me. It's not like I go out, sleep around, get knocked up for the heck of it and go poor, poor me. I have my part in everything but I'm not happy with a lot that is on me or not. I was trying to work on my marriage after we found out that I was pregnant, there was no big commitment with the second, and the third was supposed to be building a life with me. I don't understand why these men bailed on their children more than anything. Especially when two of them are these perfect fathers to their other children. I don't understand it and they certainly don't. I am aware that sex can lead to pregnancy, but I didn't "set out" to get pregnant except for with my last ex fiance who wanted to have another child until it actually came to be, and have been faithful to birth control for years. With him and his family as help and a support system seemed so much more doable than it does now at times I suppose for a third child. I have never just went out for a hook up but yes, I have dated. Before my husband there was only one long-term one that lasted 3 years. My ex-husband and I married in 2007, split in 2010, got divorced in 2013. Ex #3 and I were together for over 2 years. I was in long-term relationships and trying to make a future, not just be with someone for the heck of it. No, I have not considered adoption, just support, thanks. Link to comment
bethandthebear Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 j.man- I know the statistics down on paper and how it seems to a lot of other people but not everything is black and white either. I have no intention of giving my daughter up for adoption. I know it will be a struggle and yes it is not ideal and I have concerns but that doesn't mean I cannot take care of my children. I worried with my first daughter and my son as well but that didn't mean I did not want them. I was just venting and having a hard time trying to figure things out, I honestly didn't see the first response from people to be a lot of adoption suggestions! I'm trying to find a bigger house for us, have a good job and pay but could use more yes, my kids are very well taken care of they just don't get everything they see and want. Yes, I get stressed out at times and lonely at times and feel like I can't do it at times but I figure it out and I push through it. Obviously I can't be a good mother nor ever find love, sounds like judging but this is the internet and I did post ad everyone has their opinions. Link to comment
bethandthebear Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 JustWishing- I have child support on my first two children and will be filing for my third. I have used birth control since I was in high school and religiously, I had two children. My third child we had planned on together but then the situation changed on his end. Link to comment
bethandthebear Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 SURPRISE- A big thank you for that! I have no intention of putting my child up for adoption but I won't deny I don't worry and there won't be struggles. I will take care of my kids through anything, but I was just worrying over things. Scary that you do that and people think you need to give your child up! No one would have kids if you're unfit for voicing concerns! I'm not even looking to go out and be with someone anytime soon but sometime in my life I would like to find my "one" and have someone to love. Seems I should be shot over that kind of thinking, too. Thank you for your kind words and wishes. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I'm not even looking to go out and be with someone anytime soon but sometime in my life I would like to find my "one" and have someone to love. Seems I should be shot over that kind of thinking, too. No. Just take a break. Take a solid break from the dating scene. Not because I think men wouldn't want you. But because you're chasing something and finding the wrong thing. Some time with yourself, to reassess your relationship needs and wants. It can happen to anyone that they get so hung up on finding a partner...that they glaze over really giant red flags and flashing neon signs. I'm a single mom of one. He's special needs, and I get tired and drained. A relationship would suck the life out of me right now. I went on one date for the first time in a few years a few weeks ago, and man let me tell you - There is such a difference in how I felt being on it, how I looked at him, etc - Than there was before I met my ex husband who I had my son with. It is so refreshing, to have taken that hiatus and seen how it changed me. You're a grown woman and you know your options. I'm not going to get all in your uterus. I'm not the one who has to live with your choices, just my own. You know what you can do and you know what you are capable of. I'm not well off by any means, but my child has all that he needs and a few extras. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it, but I did it, still do it, even with the extra challenges. I am sure you will do the same for all your babies. Good luck! Link to comment
j.man Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 If you make enough money, why are you struggling to find a place? How do you think your situation gets better with another child? Is the most recent guy who knocked you up loaded or something? Where I'm from, households with children from multiple fathers are a dime a dozen, so forgive me in not seeing you as a shining beacon among that statistic. You share one big thing in common with all these families and that's refusing very viable options such as adoption. These women end up drawing the scum of the earth because there are only a handful of good men who are willing to deal with so many kids who aren't his and so many fathers that aren't him. I was raised by a single mother, and even I had giant edge over my friends whose siblings all came from different dads. It's incredibly unfortunate the fathers have left you in this position, but your position is what it is. You're worried over money, time, and space because you have every reason to be. Your children will almost certainly bear the struggle as well. There are solutions, but it's a matter of swallowing your pride. No one said it was easy and I don't envy you in the least. Then again, I have sex with a condom even with my girlfriend on birth control because this is a decision I never want to make. Link to comment
leahwjeffries Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I think some of these were a bit too judgemental... so what if you have kids with different dads, you seem to mostly have it under control, and you deserve to raise your kids and find love out there someday when the time is right Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I get that you planned the third child - but you weren't married. I don't get why people who are already engaged start trying for a baby. A million things can happen. I am not saying every marriage works or is perfect, but leading up to the marriage, other things come to light - you see eachother's family more in full view with the wedding being planned and issues or blindspots can come up over that period of time. You have no time to really be a newlywed couple with a planned baby. I get it some people find out they are pregnant and decide to get married, but its possible that there were things in the relationship - red flags that were missed because you sort of skipped over. Or maybe he got cold feet and if there was no baby it would be hard but less hard for you if he walked away or the two of you decided to postpone the wedding to work on things. When you live together, there are often things that are glossed over because you are still very separate in many ways. Believe me, I have been there. What is done is done, but it is really, really important to reflect and look back on your past two relationships to come out stronger and to identify how each of them broke down. I think some of these were a bit too judgemental... so what if you have kids with different dads, you seem to mostly have it under control, and you deserve to raise your kids and find love out there someday when the time is right But you have to safeguard yourself from repeating the same patterns over and over. And I agree - i am puzzled - if you can provide for your kids fine, then why are you worried about losing family help? The way it sounded, you were in pretty dire straights. Link to comment
Knot2loud Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I don't understand why these men bailed on their children more than anything. Especially when two of them are these perfect fathers to their other children. I don't understand it and they certainly don't. Why did they bail or their kids? Money... money... money... Maybe their current wives or women have a part in it. I kind of doubt it, but it could be the case. They now have their own "personal" family to support and neither you nor the child with you are included in that picture. If you don't have child support cases open with the other two... You better get them open. They had a part in conceiving your children. Birth control is 50/50. No point in preaching to the choir on this one. Not to make light of your situation, but could you imagine how screwed up this world would be if it were men that got pregnant? Who would want a woman who has three kids from three different men? I think you'd be surprised. Keep your act straight, don't be an idiot or a lush and you just might land one of them. Keep in mind that decent men aren't bums. Link to comment
gaseousclay Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I feel bad for you. Im not going to make any judgements, simply because i know how difficult it is to raise a child, both financially and emotionally. All i can say is, hang in there. I would try to seek out free legal council and get the other deadbeat dads to pay child support. The idea that a guy can father a child and not help support that child is abhorrent to me. Also, try leaning on your family some more Link to comment
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