localvet Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 I WILL tell you that you are shallow because you ARE! Maybe you should buy that ass/donkey in the photo above. Ok, again, if you just want to call me names and project your own insecurities, move on. If I was shallow, then I would not be here seeking advice and help grounding my fears. Calling me names does not add to the conversation. I could simply move on and look for a more fit gal, but I like this girl and want to learn to let small stuff slide. I want advise from those who have and an do this and enjoy, as one person said, the 80%. So move on. I did not mean to, once again, alert the wrath of the fat sisterhood of crazy cat woman. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Is this girl The "clinger" the "shower girl," or are they one in the same? Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I'm not going to bash you for being shallow -- you're attracted to what you're attracted to, and you can't help that. It may limit your dating prospects significantly, but that's what happens when you have a very specific "type." I think this goes beyond being too picky/shallow, though. What I'm seeing in your threads is a pattern of looking for flaws -- ones that, by many people's standards, aren't even flaws at all (like the showering every other day thing) -- that justify you passing on a particular woman. If you'd just done this once, I'd say, "well, you're just not that into her. Move on to the next one," but in this case, it seem like an ongoing pattern for you. I would suggest there are a couple potential things at work here: 1) You have an unrealistic idea of relationships -- i.e. an idealized view in which there's a "perfect" partner about whom everything will be "perfect" (face, body, personality, etc); if this is the case, you'll have a VERY difficult time finding someone, and you'll find yourself constantly dismissing otherwise perfectly decent women for very minor reasons. 2) You may be unavailable -- emotionally, that is -- for a relationship. Often, when someone isn't ready and/or available for a relationship, he or she will sabotage potential relationships by discounting people for only minor "offenses" (see the "Seinfeld" episodes where Jerry finds ridiculous things wrong with all of his girlfriends -- "she eats her peas ONE AT A TIME!" "she's got 'man hands'!" "she laughs like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer!" etc.); OR will choose VERY incompatible people to date (i.e. people who are also emotionally unavailable, abusive people, people with a ton of issues, etc.) These are just a few things to consider. I remember when I met my current boyfriend, I ALMOST sabotaged it because I was scared. I had been through a terrible experience with my last ex, and while it was several years in the past, it still lingered in the back of my mind. When a friend wanted to introduce me to a guy she thought would be great for me, I freaked out a little. She showed me his picture, and I wasn't blown away by him, in a physical sense (it was just a head shot, and he wasn't smiling -- he tends NOT to smile in pictures, and he looks really intense and brooding, not at all happy and cheerful, like I tend to like). I ALMOST cancelled our first meet, freaking myself out with questions like "What if I don't find him attractive?" "What if he really likes me and I don't feel the same way?!" Basically, I was scared and trying to talk myself out of meeting him. I ended up meeting him, mainly because I thought it would be rude to cancel, and I realized how dumb I was being right away. His picture didn't do him justice AT ALL, first of all -- he's quite handsome, and he smiles a lot in person (just not in pictures!); he's got a great personality, he's hilariously funny, very intelligent, optimistic and upbeat -- he's awesome. I felt so comfortable with him that I just started scolding myself on the way home in the car, thinking how I'd nearly missed out on something really great because I had this stupid residual fear from my last relationship. Anyway, I don't know if your situation is the same, but I really do believe, based on your posts, that you're sabotaging your dating prospects on purpose for some reason. It would be a good idea to analyze your patterns -- to write down your feelings about dating and relationships, honestly, and see if you can come to an understanding of what factors play into your patterns. Link to comment
localvet Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 Is this girl The "clinger" the "shower girl," or are they one in the same? Shower girl. And I have realized that the shower issue was mine, and not a real issue, thanks to this forum. Link to comment
localvet Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 Awesome reply! Very helpful. Thank you. This really does help me. In an earlier thread I was told a gal was using me, I just could not see it. But when dozens of total strangers said the same thing...wake up cal! Thank you! Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I agree with everyone,you sound superficial and shallow OP.There is more, far more, required for two people to have a harmonious and joyful life together than mutual sexual or physical attraction.Yes, of course it's NICE to meet someone you are attracted to, and it's NICE if you are attractive to them. Or can they be...plainer...and still attractive, what are you looking for exactly?does she have to be blonde with a 20" waist really? Physical appearances change, they stop working out, put on weight, maybe have a scarring accident...do you dump them then? Because they no longer fit your physical attractiveness requirements? Link to comment
Patrick974 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 So... Op, her ass is not so great but does she shower everyday at least? Otherwise I would be worried. Link to comment
saluk Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 You are a bit shallow. But don't take that as an insult that people have called you out on it. But in continuing to question your conceptions and ask on this forum about your shallowness, it shows that underneath that you have a desire to go deeper. I think that's really cool. Part of the problem I think is that early dating is so full of uncertainty. You haven't actually made that deep connection yet, so of course the factors that you have to base things on ARE shallow. Try to take a step back and get to know people, like others have said. You may have to give it some time before you have that deeper connection to base your decision on if this is the right person for you on. When you have a thought, like "oh, her butt's not very attractive", try to keep from assigning any meaning to that thought, or putting that thought into a larger thought. The same with thoughts you have when she does something cool. "Oh I really like how she talked about her favorite band, it was very persuasive" - keep that as a distinct factoid, rather than "Oh I really like how she talked about her favorite band, we have music in common, that means our relationship is on the right track" No! Think of it like a research project. You are still collecting data, but it is too early for results, unless you get any data that is a clear outlier and is big enough to skip the rest of the experiment. You may find some surprising things as the experiment goes on. If it goes far, one of the things you may end up MISSING about her is her uniquely shaped butt! You never know. Link to comment
localvet Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 Ha! I like the jokes. I mention the ass, but this is really about trying to control a self destructive tendency, which I did not see until many pointed it out. Those posting jokes and real advise help a lot. Everyone who wants to call me names will not be making my Christmas card list. Link to comment
Patrick974 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 No ones calling you name. You seem to enjoy starting lots of threads. At least you contribute. Whether they have great ass or dont shower everyday. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Is this the same woman that does not shower everyday? Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 A big arse is definitely a deal-breaker. Link to comment
YouCanDeleteThisAccount Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 You just aren't attracted to her because her features aren't what you are looking for. People here will tell you you're shallow, but you're not. I'm 5'6" and I get rejected all the time because women find me short; it's a fact of life I have no choice but to accept. I could call those women shallow, but are they, or are they just not attracted to me because I'm not as tall as they want? Ignore the people name calling you. She'll find someone who's attracted to her if you aren't. You have a right to be attracted to who you are attracted to. However, the one piece of advice I have for you is you also have a responsibility to not lead her on because you aren't attracted to her. So you need to be honest with yourself, didn't you already know you were bothered by that before you saw her naked? Stay away from getting naked with people you aren't attracted to so you don't lead them on. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I am a curvy girl with a reasonable ass, and I understand if some guys aren't interested in me. I would much prefer them to pass me by than try to talk themselves into liking me. On the flip side, I like guys with meat on them. I am not interested in skinny or buffed guys, so I don't go looking for them. We like what we like. We cant talk ourselves into liking what we don't. It is unfair to a person to start dating them knowing there is something about them that is a turnoff to you. If you want a supermodel then go & find one.....more power to you !!!! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 To BigKK's point I have a model friend (before she married) got hit on a lot. She would immediately, easily turn away the ugly, short, and/or fat ones who weren't making much money. She basically was very picky. We always found it funny when guys got offended at her rejection. It's not like they were interested in her Ivy League mind when they were approaching her. And a couple were really upset that she wouldn't bite because they were "good guys that would treat her right." And her philosophy was you have standards and you need attraction ... well, same for me. People can be as picky as they want if and when they are highly desirable. Link to comment
CeeLambrini Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Might be late to the thread, but I just want to back up the posters who are telling you it may be a commitment issue you're having rather than a shallow one. I haven't read your other posts but it seems there's a pattern going on that doesn't just involve looks, but hygiene/lifestyle habits as well meaning this isn't just a physical issue you have in general. Like the reference to Seinfeld, no one seems to be hitting the mark for you and it just seems more likely that once you start feeling exclusive, you can't help but notice all the other, 'better' things you're missing out on. I've been there myself, I've been seeing a guy that's a little shorter and skinnier than the average male (he's still taller than me, but so are most 12 year olds). I wasn't particularly attracted to him up until recently. I found that once I relaxed and just had fun with him and got to know him, I became more attracted as I started to realise - actually, a relationship with this man doesn't actually seem so scary. This isn't the same as 'forcing' yourself to be attracted to her, but to enjoy what does attract you to her more than focussing on what doesn't. If you are a good match, you might even start to love her bum for how it is, as it's a part of HER. I think we can sometimes surprise ourselves by going for someone who we wouldn't usually consider our 'type' purely because of their personality and how they make us feel when we're with them. This in turn outweighs any physical obstacles we thought we might have had in the first place. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Different situation though. He already has attraction for her and has been building a relationship with her. Attraction wall has already been broken. What you are talking about is the initial attraction and nothing that you said is incorrect. Sure. Link to comment
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