I was used...

[Loriana]

Hey guys,

 

I hope I am posting this in the right section, hopefully I am. I won't make this post long.

 

So about a month ago I started talking to this guy on a dating website, we talked for 3 days and honestly I really enjoyed speaking with him for 3 days. I felt the happiest I had felt in a while and he said he felt the same. He lives in the same area as me and we have a few mutual friends in common so I decided to meet him.

 

So I met up with him and basically he tried to use me for sex. Now I know many women have probably experienced this and have just been hurt for a while and then gotten over it and moved on, but I'm finding it hard to move on. He was the first guy I had met from an online dating website. I shared some of my first experiences with this guy, I didn't go all the way because I soon got the hint he just wanted sex from me. So to me because I shared some of my first intimate moments with this guy it was a big deal to me.

 

i just feel so stupid for believing all the things he said to me when really he just said all that stuff just to meet me and try his luck basically. I just feel incredibly hurt and I know I shouldn't be because he has probably moved on and hooked up with other girls by now.

 

I know not every guy is going to be like him. I have tried to move on and talk to other guys, but it just doesn't feel right, I just feel like I have lost faith a little.

 

I know time heals everything eventually, but just really needed to get out what I was feeling. Thanks for reading I appreciate it.

[j.man]

I say this to all the folks making this same mistake, not just you OP. Stop building up your expectations prior to even meeting the person. Also, don't meet them in any situation that could be associated with hanky panky that night (read: anything past 6:00pm and/or involving alcohol). Ask them out for an afternoon coffee (or tea in your case?) and keep the first couple dates short and sweet. Trust me, there's no better way to say, "Not interested in a hookup" than suggesting a 1:00pm one-hour coffee date on a Sunday.

 

I wouldn't go as far as to say you were used. A lot of women out there enjoy having sex for a night just as much as men do. Not factoring in force or coercion, it's on you to maintain your boundaries.

[Loriana]

I say this to all the folks making this same mistake, not just you OP. Stop building up your expectations prior to even meeting the person. Also, don't meet them in any situation that could be associated with hanky panky that night (read: anything past 6:00pm and/or involving alcohol). Ask them out for an afternoon coffee (or tea in your case?) and keep the first couple dates short and sweet. Trust me, there's no better way to say, "Not interested in a hookup" than suggesting a 1:00pm one-hour coffee date on a Sunday.

 

I wouldn't go as far as to say you were used. A lot of women out there enjoy having sex for a night just as much as men do. Not factoring in force or coercion, it's on you to maintain your boundaries.

 

Hey J.man, thank you for the advice. The thing is it was in the afternoon around 3pm, but we met in his car so yeah not the smartest move I know, but I learnt my lesson. And yeah you are right it is up to me to maintain my boundaries. I guess I just have to work on being able to say no instead of yes to everything. Thanks for the advice again. P.S I drink Coffee even though I'm British, ironic I know lol.

[notalady]

jman is correct.

 

I would stay away from victim mentality like "I was used" or "he tried to use me for sex". That implies that there was nothing you could do to prevent it, when in fact there is plenty you could do.

 

First and foremost with online dating, check their profile to see what they state they are looking for, give them a pass if they say they are looking a casual or short term or "fun".

 

Don't build up an expectation or get overly excited before you meet someone. If someone is laying it on thick before you even met (or even after you've met), be very wary. You don't know each other at all, if they seem way too into you when you don't even know each other, something is not right.

 

First number of dates meet in public places and get to know each other. Keep your eyes open and take note of potential red flags, don't ignore little things that make you uncomfortable or give you pause, take note and think about it later.

 

Do NOT go to a private place (eg his home) with him on the first number of dates. Only go if you feel comfortable with the idea of having sex with him already, as he may very well try and it might end up happening.

 

Wait as long as you can before sex, or even anything too sexual, so that you've had sufficient time to get to know him and know if he's actually interested in a serious relationship with you. I suggest somewhere between 1-3 months, and after you've both clearly agreed that you are now in an exclusive serious relationship (i.e. not just "he seems really into me").

[Batya33]

Great advice you received and if you are able to get over the mindset of "I was used" it will only help in your next relationship.

[notalady]

I will also add that you shouldn't feel hurt, not because "he probably already moved on", but there's nothing to feel hurt about. Because this has nothing to do with him. It's all about you. It's a learning experience for you.

 

This guy was there to look for something casual. Nothing wrong with that. Plenty of girls out there who want the same.

 

What's not cool is that he may have misled you, with words, to believe he wanted something serious. His actions clearly indicated otherwise. So that taught you is, in the future, watch for the actions and ignore the words (ie the compliments and sweet nothings). To do that, you need time to observe those actions, words are fast and cheap, actions take time to reveal. Hence back to my previous post about taking things slow and waiting to have sex as long as you can.

[mhowe]

but we met in his car

 

This wasn't a red flag ----- it was a nuclear implosion.

[Loriana]

Hey thank you for the really good advice.

 

The reason why I felt like I was used was because when he asked me to do certain things I didn't want to do them and I told him no, but he wasn't respecting my wishes and kept going on at me until I felt pressured into doing it.

 

I always look at guys profiles before I talk to them and his profile said he was looking to make new friends so that's why I started talking to him.

 

But yes I agree with what you are saying he did seem to be really into me and I did find that to be a little strange. There were a few other little signs I got which made me think "Hmm okay" but I ignored those signs. I know now I should never ignore my gut instinct.

 

Again thank you for the advice.

[Loriana]

but we met in his car

 

This wasn't a red flag ----- it was a nuclear implosion.

 

Yeah I see that now mhowe.

[Loriana]

I will also add that you shouldn't feel hurt, not because "he probably already moved on", but there's nothing to feel hurt about. Because this has nothing to do with him. It's all about you. It's a learning experience for you.

 

This guy was there to look for something casual. Nothing wrong with that. Plenty of girls out there who want the same.

 

What's not cool is that he may have misled you, with words, to believe he wanted something serious. His actions clearly indicated otherwise. So that taught you is, in the future, watch for the actions and ignore the words (ie the compliments and sweet nothings). To do that, you need time to observe those actions, words are fast and cheap, actions take time to reveal. Hence back to my previous post about taking things slow and waiting to have sex as long as you can.

 

I felt hurt because he misled me into thinking he wanted something more than just a casual hook up. And yes there is nothing wrong with something casual of course there isn't, but it's not cool being misled as you said.

[mhowe]

You talked to him for 3 days. You really need to "listen" to these on line guys with a huge load of skepticism.

[notalady]

Hey thank you for the really good advice.

 

The reason why I felt like I was used was because when he asked me to do certain things I didn't want to do them and I told him no, but he wasn't respecting my wishes and kept going on at me until I felt pressured into doing it.

 

I always look at guys profiles before I talk to them and his profile said he was looking to make new friends so that's why I started talking to him.

 

But yes I agree with what you are saying he did seem to be really into me and I did find that to be a little strange. There were a few other little signs I got which made me think "Hmm okay" but I ignored those signs. I know now I should never ignore my gut instinct.

 

Again thank you for the advice.

 

Pressuring you to do things, not respecting your wishes is another huge red flag, huge. No one should be pressuring you to do anything you don't want to, not ever. In fact, his behaviour probably borders on rape, if you had insisted you wouldn't do those things, I wonder if he would've forced it (yet another reason not to go to a private place with someone in early dating).

 

He's showing you who he is very early on, someone who does not respect you (and probably women in general). So it's up to you to pay attention when someone shows you who they really are and walk away, no, actually in this case, run away.

 

Glad that you are now more aware and will follow your instinct. Don't beat yourself up, sometimes it takes a good lesson for us to learn.

[Loriana]

You talked to him for 3 days. You really need to "listen" to these on line guys with a huge load of skepticism.

 

That's the thing I am a skeptical person when it comes to online guys, I am always cautious and have always declined when guys have asked to meet me in the past due to me not being sure of their intentions and other things.

 

I have never really put myself out there before and felt that because of this it was hard for me to experience new things so I decided just to take a leap of faith and go to meet this guy. I honestly didn't think anything was going to happen I wasn't even sure he would like me when he saw me.

 

I am fairly inexperienced so I am learning as I go along, but I agree with what you are saying.

[Batya33]

Please take leaps of faith in other ways -getting into a stranger's car is not one of those ways.

[Loriana]

Pressuring you to do things, not respecting your wishes is another huge red flag, huge. No one should be pressuring you to do anything you don't want to, not ever. In fact, his behaviour probably borders on rape, if you had insisted you wouldn't do those things, I wonder if he would've forced it (yet another reason not to go to a private place with someone in early dating).

 

He's showing you who he is very early on, someone who does not respect you (and probably women in general). So it's up to you to pay attention when someone shows you who they really are and walk away, no, actually in this case, run away.

 

Glad that you are now more aware and will follow your instinct. Don't beat yourself up, sometimes it takes a good lesson for us to learn.

 

Yeah you're right I hope you can understand now why I say I felt used.

 

Yeah when things went too far and I just couldn't handle it anymore I pushed him away and basically told him what I thought. He actually apologized and drove me home which I was surprised about since he was being so disrespectful. So maybe he felt bad I don't know.

 

Yeah trying not to beat myself up, i'm new to this so it's all a learning experience for me.

[Loriana]

Please take leaps of faith in other ways -getting into a stranger's car is not one of those ways.

 

I know that now, I realized how naive I was.

[notalady]

Glad you are learning. Apply common sense and discretion, but by all means go out and meet guys from online if they seem genuine and normal. Do it in a public place of course.

[notalady]

Also to add, I've met a lot of nice guys from online dating, some I'm still friends with. And I met my current bf on there. So they are out there. You just need to weed out the other guys, the not so good ones.

 

Don't be afraid to meet someone from online but also don't throw caution to the wind.

[Loriana]

Also to add, I've met a lot of nice guys from online dating, some I'm still friends with. And I met my current bf on there. So they are out there. You just need to weed out the other guys, the not so good ones.

 

Don't be afraid to meet someone from online but also don't throw caution to the wind.

 

Aw that's nice to hear. Thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate it! x

[j.man]

I know that now, I realized how naive I was.

I know it's sounding redundant at this point, but as you may have picked up from Batya's tone, him feeling you up was honestly probably one of the better solutions you could have hoped for getting in that car. All of us would hate for something terrible to happen to you.

 

But to add, notalady's got some good advice for you here. There are plenty of guys online who are of the same mind as you. Spend less time filtering them online and more time meeting them publicly, casually, and most of all, sober. As you've found out, people can be whoever they want to be online.

[Loriana]

I know it's sounding redundant at this point, but as you may have picked up from Batya's tone, him feeling you up was honestly probably one of the better solutions you could have hoped for getting in that car. All of us would hate for something terrible to happen to you.

 

But to add, notalady's got some good advice for you here. There are plenty of guys online who are of the same mind as you. Spend less time filtering them online and more time meeting them publicly, casually, and most of all, sober. As you've found out, people can be whoever they want to be online.

 

So true thank you J for the kind words.

[ParisPaulette]

I think you need to accept that you built a fantasy in your head and what you're really hurt about is the fantasy not turning out the way you wanted it to. You didn't even know this guy, you barely met, it was very obvious from the get-go what he wanted.

 

It's not love you were feeling, it was hope. Hope that the sunshine he was blowing up your butt was true. And I'm sorry, but players are really, really great at that. Never take anyone by their words, only their actions. And don't go giving it up to them until you've known and dated them long enough to be sure that isn't all they want.

 

The fact is you need to date and get a lot of experience with all manner of people, not just one. You need to learn how to sort the players out fast. "Let's meet for coffee in public. I don't do cars and I don't do motels and I definitely do not do going over to your house, mkay?" Is the attitude you need to adopt.

 

A guy who wants to get to know you genuinely will take you on a real date. Not their car, not their house, out to a coffee shop is a good way to go. And you need to learn not to let your imagination go wild with possibilities until you get to know the person sitting in front of you. You also need to understand that you will likely need to meet a variety of people in order to find one you click with for more. All manner of people tell you things to get what they want, and you can either choose to have your feelings hurt about it or you can shrug it off and say, "Well that one was an a-hole" and move on.

 

Figure out what your own boundaries are first. Don't be in a rush to insta-relationship, "I have to make it work with the first guy that says some nice things about me." The hard fact is a good relationship takes time to develop. You need to get to know each other first and that doesn't happen online, over text, by phone, in two or three or even five dates in. It just doesn't. Understand this, take the time to find the guys willing to date you and keep on date you and who will actively get to know you. Push everyone else out the door fast no matter how good looking or how many compliments they pay you.

 

Truthfully, whenever I ran into the guy singing. "I am looking for something serious right way, I want to get married now, now, NOW!!!!!" I put him down to being either a player looking to get me into bed on that pretense of "I'll give you a relationship if you give me sex" OR they were desperate or slightly mental. And yes, I'd go ahead and give them a chance, but it never went anywhere but those two avenues.

 

You want the guy who simply says, "I'd like to get to know you better over coffee." That's it, simple, no wild promises of true love and no talk about how they're holier than thou and a good guy looking for a good woman. Just a simple, "I want to get to know you." And then if things work out great, and if they don't you move on.

 

P.S. Get some hobbies and activities where you meet people in general, not just men, people. Those for me were always a better source of relationships than online dating ever was. Keep in mind the woman you befriend in art class may have a brother or cousin, the group you go hiking with may invite a friend along one day. That's usually how it happens and again that's how you get to know someone before just deciding they said some wonderful things and you like their looks so it must be true love.

 

Don't give up. One bad player (he wanted you to get in his car, really??? Creepazoid right there, man) does not the entire male population make. There are plenty of good guys who want to take the time to get to know you, really, then decide if it's something that can progress further. You do not want desperate, you do not want let's rush this all right now, now, now. Trust me on that.

[Loriana]

Thank you for the advice, but just wanted to point out that it wasn't love I was feeling, it was nowhere near love. I just liked the guy and wanted to get to know him better that's all. As I explained in previous replies I was hurt because I was misled. And yeah you're right I did get a bit carried away with my imagination, but I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic so I guess that's one of my down falls if you want to call it that.

 

Thank you again for the advice.

[laura40]

Hi

 

It's good you're learning. I would delete this guy's number and move on. At least you found out what his intentions were before you started to develop feelings.

 

I do agree with the poster who said that you shouldn't conjure up a 'fantasy' before meeting someone. I'm not saying you were of course, but it's best to not have any expectations before meeting someone for the first time. Best way to not get disappointed!

 

Hope you feel better soon, this guy isn't worth another moment of your time.

 

Best of luck.

[Blue Spiral]

Don't feel too bad, OP...as we speak, there are millions of guys working on new and improved ways to seduce women. There's an entire cottage industry devoted to it. It isn't reasonable to expect a young, inexperienced woman to be able to filter all of those guys (well, all of us guys) out.