Hold on or give up

[Redabc123]

Hey Everyone,

 

I have been dating someone for the past 2 months I am 30 and he is 36. Things progressed very quickly with us, before I met him I had just gotten out of a 5 month relationship that wasn't serious. I met the person Im currently dating almost a week after being dumped. I was immediately drawn to him, we had a lot in common and could talk on the phone for hours. We were both looking for the same thing as far as a relationship and he was very open about his feelings for me. Because I had just gotten out of a relationship I had some fear that my feelings for him was to get over the old relationship. I quickly found out that I did have ginue feelings for him and we began dating. Everything was going good until about 3 weeks ago. We got into our first argument. I felt that he would say things that he didn't mean for example he would say "I'm going to be your husband someday" " I can't wait to have kids with you" "I love you" but I felt his actions weren't backing his words up. . He wasn't moving in the direction of showing me he felt these things. Like he would say he was in love with me but never said it or tried to be romantic, The argument was silly and we talked about it, but he felt my concerns were going to hold him back because he said he really did feel that way and quickly things began to change. He said he wanted to take things slower. I thought that me bringing up these concerns would make him want to prove that he felt that way it instead did the opposite. He doesn't call anymore everything is via text, he is always busy, I rarely hear from him as much as I used to. I will sometimes get two texts from him and not hear from him all day, we don't talk about a future, he doesn't plan dates. I have been pulling back because Im afraid things will end soon. I have spoken to him about how he has been acting but he just says Im paranoid. I like him a lot and can really see a future but for the past few weeks I feel like I am chasing him and always planning things. I would really like for him to step it up. I don't want to give up but I don't want to hold on to something that won't get better. Last weekend we had a great weekend we spent the 4 days together and went theme parks and had some great alone time together. As soon as he left things changed. I really do feel that things could really go someone where with him but I don't want to put in anymore effort if he isn't willing to either. Any advice would really help. Thank you!

[j.man]

I don't know what's worse... the fact that barely a month in, he was talking about marrying you and having kids with you, or the fact you were upset he wasn't doing enough to back those words up. What you got isn't healthy, and it sounds like it's been unhealthy since the beginning. This **** shouldn't be happening a year into the relationship, much less a month.

 

I don't think either of you are ready for a relationship.

[Redabc123]

I don't know what's worse... the fact that barely a month in, he was talking about marrying you and having kids with you, or the fact you were upset he wasn't doing enough to back those words up. What you got isn't healthy, and it sounds like it's been unhealthy since the beginning. This **** shouldn't be happening a year into the relationship, much less a month.

 

I don't think either of you are ready for a relationship.

 

I wasn't upset. I did feel like it was very soon. I told him that he shouldn't be saying things like that unless he was willing to put that kind of effort in. Thanks for your opinion

[j.man]

I wasn't upset. I did feel like it was very soon. I told him that he shouldn't be saying things like that unless he was willing to put that kind of effort in. Thanks for your opinion

My point is when a man starts talking that talk a month in, you should be running for the hills, not arguing with him because you didn't feel he really meant it. I really think you'd benefit from some time away from dating.

[Man with Dog]

I think things can get intense quite quickly, so it's best to say to each other "this is really great so far". My wife and I met and married very quickly. Whilst we've made some mistakes in life, neither of us have ever felt we made the wrong choice of partner.

[Dottieflanogon]

I would say that maybe he's not feeling the same way anymore. Unfortunately for you, this question cannot be truly answered on here. The best thing for you to do, is to confront him about it, if you haven't . If he thinks the relationship can still work, he will be willing to change.

 

From everything you said not putting effort into the relationship anymore, not planning dates, it sounds like he's lost some interest.One-sided effort can't keep a relationship going for a long time. It usually takes good efforts from both to make it work well in the long term.

[Rosti87]

He came on too strong to early. Now he is burning out just as fast. Remember for the future that when a man comes on that strong that early they are not emotionally balanced relationship wise.

 

I would back off as you are doing and figure out if this is the type of guy you want long term. This is as good as it gets. Honeymoon stage usually lasts a year and a half to 2 years. You are in the early days and having problems. Something to look at.

[DoF]

Curious, and if you don't mind me asking OP. Were you guys intimate?

 

Or has he gotten the cookie recently?

 

I will tell you that you are doing it right by allowing him to prove his love with action!!! But the fact that he is talking about marriage so early, scary.

 

At this point, his actions speak louder than words. He doesn't love you or really wants to be with you, if he did, he would be by your side every second he gets.

 

It's over.

[missmarple]

How is he not planning dates when you spent 4 days together last weekend? Had it been your plan?

[Sportster2005]

Although people go at different speeds, and there are successes out there from people that went fast. My experience is almost always the same when they come on fast. They always leave just as fast.

[TMifune]

Love Bombing:

 

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[LoveSoDeep]

Love Bombing:

 

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Hmmm. Sad because movies and media make us think that this kind of attention is a good thing. If he's not falling all over himself to see you then he's not all that interested. I'm not sure this is something just applies to sociopaths though.

 

I agree this does kind of sound like this might have happened to the OP. It's better to end things now or at least slow things way down so he's not all the sudden moving in with you.

[Ms Darcy]

Given your past two relationships, I think you would be well-served to get some therapy to help you learn healthier boundaries in dating and relationships.

[localvet]

I don't know what's worse... the fact that barely a month in, he was talking about marrying you and having kids with you, or the fact you were upset he wasn't doing enough to back those words up. What you got isn't healthy, and it sounds like it's been unhealthy since the beginning. This **** shouldn't be happening a year into the relationship, much less a month.

 

I don't think either of you are ready for a relationship.

 

Once again, spot on!

Right after my divorce I had those talks and thoughts...now 3 years latter the last gal I dated, on a religious kick, wanted to talk about how we decide when to baptize our kids and under who's religion. I instantly said after 6 weeks we don't need to talk about it yet. She insisted we did, I think she is not ready, and you probably aren't either.