Boyfriend can't get over his previous relationship

[waterlilly102]

My boyfriend and I have been together for around 6 months now and he has never gotten over his past relationship with his ex-girlfriend. I should have known something was off when he started talking about his past relationship on our first date, and was complaining about his ex. I let it slide and kind of forgot about it, but as we got closer and as time went on, he started acting different. He acted mean, disrespectful and getting so angry over the stupidest things that he just snaps. I love him because he doesnt act like this all the time, but when he does it's a big deal to me and makes me so heartbroken. I have recently had a long talk about his behavior with him but he's so stubborn. He seriously thinks he is always right about everything, but after explaning that I cannot be with someone like this, he agreed that he'd try to change. He said he used to be the nicest guy, and his ex-gf from 2 years ago made him this way. He cried when I told him I was leaving him, but decided to give him another chance because I do love him.

 

I don't understand why he has so much hatred built up in him. And he comes from a family with such strong ties to church. It's just weird that 2 years later he still blames a lot on his past relationship. Me and his ex girlfriend have known each other, but we were never friends. I guess she heard about the situation and she reached out to me saying that she understands how I feel and that she went through a lot of the same things. She says he has control issues and he needs help. I can't help but agree. I just don't know how I could possibly help. My bf broke up with her basically because he is a very jealous person and has to get his way. He then proceeded to wait a few months and get back in touch with his ex when she moved on and had a boyfriend and said that he wanted to get back together with her and only broke up with her because he wanted her to learn her lesson, and she denied him. He told me it was the other way around and I found out from his ex that he did actually reached out to her to get back together. That was his first relationship and he says that it scarred him.

 

I know it looks like my boyfriend is such a terrible person, but I feel like if he can get over his issue, everything will be ok. This is the only thing that really bothers me. It seems easy to break up with someone like that, but it's not. He has many good qualities to him, and I'd like to see everything work out.

[mhowe]

Please reread your post. He is jealous, he is controlling, he is mean and he isn't over his ex. Oh, and his ex made him mean and nasty...so he is not responsible for the way he is treating you. He's a winner!

[Hollyj]

No one makes you a particular way. He is choosing to act like an a$$.

 

Yes. Talking about the ex is a huge problem. Does he still do this?

 

He is blaming the ex for his problem. Nothing will change, unless HE wants to deal with this issues. It's time that he stop making excuses and take responsibility. If he does not get help, he will not change.

 

You need to realize how serious jealousy, control and disrespect are, as this is emotional abuse.

 

I suggest you end this, until he decides he wants to face his problems.

 

You also need to address why you tolerate this! You're in denial.

[relevart]

I don't understand why he has so much hatred built up in him. And he comes from a family with such strong ties to church.

You know who else has strong ties to the church? The Duggars, even Josh. Oh, and Jim and Tammie Bakker back in the day. I think Susan Smith was a church member. This past summer in my hometown, a preacher of a small church took his wife hostage because she had left him for another man. He said he was going to kill her and her new man before killing himself, but what actually happened was the police shot him dead. Going to church doesn't make you a good person is all i'm trying to say. You shouldn't be shocked when a church goer does bad things.

Me and his ex girlfriend have known each other, but we were never friends. I guess she heard about the situation and she reached out to me saying that she understands how I feel and that she went through a lot of the same things. She says he has control issues and he needs help. I can't help but agree. I just don't know how I could possibly help. My bf broke up with her basically because he is a very jealous person and has to get his way. He then proceeded to wait a few months and get back in touch with his ex when she moved on and had a boyfriend and said that he wanted to get back together with her and only broke up with her because he wanted her to learn her lesson, and she denied him. He told me it was the other way around and I found out from his ex that he did actually reached out to her to get back together. That was his first relationship and he says that it scarred him.

Ordinarily I would caution you against listening to what an ex has to say, but she's basically echoing what you've told us. And now he's saying he's "scarred" from it. Basically, he's not over that relationship. He may tell you he is and that he hates her and all tis, but it doesn't sound like it to be honest. To have such strong negative feelings toward her not only this long after a break-up (not to mention while he's in another relationship) isn't healthy and it's not right for you. It's not healthy for you either.

I know it looks like my boyfriend is such a terrible person, but I feel like if he can get over his issue, everything will be ok. This is the only thing that really bothers me. It seems easy to break up with someone like that, but it's not. He has many good qualities to him, and I'd like to see everything work out.

It's not up to us to judge him as a person. We can only offer advice given what you have told us. But keep in mind that all the hope in the world can't make something happen that's not meant to be.

[ThatwasThen]

He is still on about his ex girlfriend and angry and petulant because he's a known control freak who failed to get his way so of course he's going to be feeling .... wait for it....

Out.Of.Control. Because he feels out of control, he is taking his issues out on you. If it wasn't you, it would have been the next girl that he had gotten with.

 

You need to have strong personal boundaries here and let him know, without doubting it, that he will lose you too if he doesn't get the therapy he needs to be able to realize that he does not get to have control over anyone but himself. You telling him will not sink in or do any good in getting him to accept that fact. If he won't get the help he needs then you should seriously think of leaving him too. Staying and accepting what he can dish out is enabling him to be the vile, disrespectful, petulant little boy that he appears to revert to when not getting his own way.

[ParisPaulette]

Then why on earth are you with him? I mean, it's been bloody six months. You should be all he sees and hears at this point. If that's not the case just walk away and tell him to look you up if he ever gets over it all and is an emotionally healthy place to even have a relationship.

 

Serious waste of your time and he will use you until he's "recovered" then bounce you in favor of someone else. And being abusive emotionally to you? Nuh-uh? Why on earth do you think sticking around this is going to get better? It never does, just worse.

 

Raise your standards and self-esteem and drop people like this is a hot second. They are time suckers using you to make themselves feel better. He needs a therapist, not the whipping girl/distraction he's made you out to be. P.S. I totally get from your description why his ex left him. I would've too.

[nutbrownhare]

If someone's not over their ex, they're not ready for you. Period. No matter how nice they are; I ended an otherwise promising relationship a couple of years back when it became apparent that the guy was still obsessed with his ex.

 

Your guy, on the other hand, sounds like a controlling abuser who refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. Listen to his ex; she clearly doesn't want another girl to go through what she went through - and neither should you. Yes, he possibly needs help - but you shouldn't be cast in the role of 'therapist' and there really is nothing you can do to change him. Someone who's filled with hatred is not going to be able to give you love, and although you seem to think everything would be fine if he got over his 'issue', you need to realise that there are many issues going on here and they are to do with his core personality. All abusers have their sweet sides - otherwise nobody would stay in a relationship with them - but really don't underestimate the emotional and psychological damage these people can cause.

[catfeeder]

He acted mean, disrespectful and getting so angry over the stupidest things that he just snaps.

 

You already ignored the first red flag and involved yourself with someone who's still not over his ex, but mean and disrespectful is all ANYone needs to see to walk away.

 

If you won't do that, then the best advice in the world is irrelevant.