I just found out, NOW WHAT?

[Goodgirl]

Well two nights ago, I was going through a planner I had got for him. I had sent in to him while he was in California for some military training. He's not very organized and never used it, it still had the tags and everything on it, from August! So I took it for myself, and started putting dates and times in there and was looking around for my old calendar to put some numbers in it. I was just sitting down hanging out, and started flipping through it, to get all the other little tags and papers out of it.

 

As I flip through each section I come to a phone number with a girls name. At first I start laughing thinking , oh some girl gave him her number, how cute. But, called him and asked if I could used it, even though I was, and he said yeah sure. ( I guess he forgot what he had in there) I didn't think much else. But then I wondered, " did he call , hmm I wonder". So lucky for him and me I keep all the cell phone bills filled away. I decided to look back at August and September.I COULDN"T BELIEVE IT!!! I found the number all over the damn phone bill!!! I called him immediately and before I could say anything ,he said, hey I will be home in 20 mins.

 

I said oh ok, I and made a plan of action. I went up to my room to wait for him ( my sister is here visiting) and highlighted all the calls the most recent one was last month!!! He walked in the door, and I caught him and told him to come upstairs, all sweetly and smiley. I teased him about a t-shirt that was all dirty from a martial arts class he had, let him in the door and closed it. I then showed him the number and asked him what it was. He said " I don't know" I said really cause you must know something, its all over your cell phone bill. He said I don't know what the hell this is, what are you implying. I said I don't know tell me what to think? He said I don't know what that is, I dont know, blah blah.

 

I said well lets call it then, he said fine. I started to call and hung up, but he took my phone and called, and some guy answered. He didnt know who the guy was, and that was that. So now I was confused even more. I asked him for his cell, he said he left it at work, I said that's bull where is it? ( he usually leaves it in his car) . I went downstairs grabbed the keys went to his car, of course there it was. I started going though his outgoing calls, then he took it away from me. Telling me this was stupid, that I was making a big deal out of nothing.

 

He was all annoyed, and said it was nothing. I said look be honest , did you do something? I said I dont want to be with some one who isn't honest with me, who isnt commited to me. He said NO, he knows nothing. I said well explain to me these calls and this number. I said let me see your cell, he wouldnt give it up. He said, what are you going to do, decided now cause I'm tired. I said leave then, cause you are hiding something and I don't trust you. He said he was going to sleep in the car. FINE!!!! With me! I said look , well then I'm wrong, I must be crazy, dillusional, cause I see a number with a name , and that number on your bill. Damn , I should get checked out, I'm losing it. I apologized and said well then I guess I was wrong, (sarcastic of course)let me put all these papers away. He went to his car.

 

a couple of hours passed I felt bad, and told him to come inside, he went straight to the couch,and didnt say a word, except why did I let him in. I told him, cause I'm not a b****.

 

He left without a word the next morning, and I called a friend for some advice, she said it's pretty obvious, something is up. I left him a message, telling him that I was hurt that he was lying, and I needed a really good reason for the hurt to go away.....

 

He called twice , I didn't answer. Third time I answered, I asked him what he wanted, he said nothing. I told him if he got my message, he said no. I hung up. He called back... I said WHAT? He said , just to let you know, I'm moving out when I get a break. I said why? If you move out your telling me u did something.... Did you? He said nothing...

 

Basically this is how it went. I told him , so your telling me you can't deny it cause the truth is right in front of me. HE said YES....

 

I would give more details, but this is long enough. I have posted a couple of other problems on here that could explain the past year. Just do a search for my screenname.

 

I feel so betrayed, I have sacrificed so much for this stupid man. He says he is so sorry, he messed up. He wants us to work out, he will do anything. I have already made some new rules for him, but it doesn't feel like enough, I feel like he is getting off way to easily. I dont think he is suffering like I am. His tears are not enough, his apology means nothing. I don't know what will be enough. I think I want him to move out. I am so hurt, he wants me just to forget it, but how can i. He called last month!!!! Who knows what the rest of January's bill will show.

 

BTW he said he just went out with her, and did kiss her, and that was it. They partied together, basically. But that's what he says... who knows.

[Angel Irulan]

How much more do you want to put up with? It's for you to decide where to draw the line. You sound fed up. I know that I won't put up with a cheat or a liar ever again. This guy is doing both to you. He's doing the "I didn't get your calls routine." I've dated a guy who did that, and he was cheating his eyeballs out. And he's also going out with other chicks. If he's living with you, and you aren't just roommates, that is so wrong. Dump this fool.

[Goodgirl]

This guy is my husband , we will have been married 5 years in APRIL.

[DN]

"I have already made some new rules for him, but it doesn't feel like enough, I feel like he is getting off way to easily."

 

Rules? You made rules for him? And he didn't obey them. And you are wondering why?

 

Does he have any 'rules' for you.

 

Believe me, I am not trying to be harsh or critical, and you certainly have every conceivable right to be very angry and hurt, but the 'rules' thing just leapt out at me. If you want to divorce this guy then I for one would absolutely support your decison, but please, in this or any other relationship you may have, don't be setting rules for people. That is as sure a recipe for trouble as anything I've seen.

 

Negotiation and compromise are the key to any stable relationship, not cheating, lies, deception and certainly not by setting rules.

[peanut15]

I can't believe the nerve of him. Men who are caught cheating just don't want to admit they've been caught. It just makes me so mad. Also, I gave my husband rules as well and it just doesn't work. After a while they just end up resenting you because you are hurt and tell you that you need to just get over it. If you don't, they're out the door. Its just beyond me since they are the ones that did everything to betray us and just break all the trust we had in them. I dont' know if this works with cell phones as I never really had to do it but with my land line phone you can block certain numbers from calling you and it also prevents you from calling them. That would just throw your husband a shock when he can't get to her. Also, sometimes you can do a reverse phone look up and she where this woman lives.

 

Even though he kissed her or whatever he said, I dont' believe that he's not giving you more information that you deserve. Something just tells me that he did more.

[Goodgirl]

My "rules" are basically conditions, if he wants to stay with me. I told him that this doesn't mean I want to stay with him. He said he would do anything, so I told him to

 

A) Sleep on the couch, indefinatley.

B) Stay out of my room, and don't wake me up in the morning.

C) Move all his stuff out of the room, I don't want him to walk in when I'm asleep

D) Wear his wedding ring, no matter what or else( he didn't wear it cause of his job, he's in the military)

E) I deleted both of his email addresses, he is not allowed on at all, unless its just to research for work

F) He will be getting his cell number changed

G) He has to call me when he gets to work, leaving work for any reason, or when he is on his way home

H) If he wants any counseling ( he suggested it) he is to schedule it and tell me when to show up

I) Oh yeah, and definitely NO SEX. No kissing. INdefinatley He has tried to kiss me and I pull away. I can't believe this crap!!!

 

I told him, this doesn't mean I am staying with him.We had a long conversation last night, and we came to these terms. But all day today, I have just been feeling it is not enough, he needs to suffer a whole lot more. I told him too. I told him that it's not fair, I don't think he's in pain like I am, and I think he should move out. He understands, but I need time to think. I also told him anything else I think of that he should do, he will.

 

 

Here's the thing. I never set any rules. I never gave him conditions, He Freaking knew the one thing that would hurt me the most. He is in the military, and we had been apart a whole lot ( Iraq, and Africa). I trusted him. He was always so tired and had alot of work. I know I was there, you can ask any wife. So I didn't call him and nag, I didn't tell him no. I gave him every freedom a married man could have. He never gave me a reason not to trust him. We had just spent 15 months apart, and then when this "event "happened we were spending another 3 months apart ,all cause of work. Our marriage had suffered a blow from all our time apart, we were thinking about divorce then, or separation. But, we were still together. At least I thought.....

[DN]

with great respect and understanding, I have grave doubts whether these conditions will work. I think they are demeaning, humiliating and ultimately unworkable.

 

If they are designed for revenge then they will achieve that, but revenge can be a bitter dish for both parties.

 

If they are designed to repair the relationship they cannot succeed, because, even if he stays, you do not have relationship but a dictatorship.

 

In the light of day, when you are not so angry, please reconsider what you are doing. Try counselling, try compromise, try negotiation, try anything but this.

[Goodgirl]

"demeaning, humiliating and ultimately unworkable. " AND WHAT IS HIM CHEATING THEN?

 

I am trying to be reasonable, I am not trying to be mean. But seriously does he deserve any courtesys?

 

Does he deserve to lay next to me, does he deserve to have sex with me. Does he deserve to be treated like my husband? Cause a husband wouldnt do this.

 

We will try counseling, but I am so unsure if it is even worth it. I am way to hurt.

[DN]

I just sent a pm to you

[Goodgirl]

I don't want revenge , I want answers. I gave him the couch. Its roomy.

[Mun]

Hi Goodgirl.

I have to agree with DN on this issue. All the rules you have set in place are not going to take away what he did. You are hurt and you have every right to be hurt....but what kind of relationship will you have ? How do you think you will be able to stay a couple if you have to act like you're his mother. Now I don't mean to be harsh...just think about this a bit more.

 

I have always said " if you can't trust him then you shouldn't be with him" These "rules"-- he should be the one suggesting them-- to win you back. To show you that he regrets what he did and wants to make things right with you. By you setting the rules you are only trying to control him and I'm afraid he will "rebel" against you and maybe do the same thing again. Just a thought.

 

Any attempt to fix things should be coming from him. He is the one that cheated and lied and he should be begging you to forgive him.

[pip]

Why is it that so many guys out there cheat on their girlfriends and get away with it?

 

It doesn't matter what those two did together. The fact that he was constantly calling another girl, going out with her, kissing her and then lying to you about it is enough.

 

Don't put up with that sort of rubbish. Anyone who cheats on you doesn't deserve your love. I know it must hurt a lot, but one day you'll meet someone who *does* deserve you. It may take a while, but it's worth the wait.

 

I know how bad you're feeling, but you deserve better!

[DN]

pip wrote "Why is it that so many guys out there cheat on their girlfriends and get away with it?"

 

for the same reasons that girls do.

[Goodgirl]

Yes I do fear he will rebel, and even told him that I fear it.,and like I said . He told me he is willing to do anything. He suggested the calling me when he gets to work, and leaves work. He suggested the couch. We spoke about this together,it was our conditons for now, just so I can figure out where we are headed next. How is this going to far? He can still use the internet, just for web searches about work related material. His phone change, come on... what if she tries to call him. He also suggested the counseling, he is willing to go and is going to schedule it.

 

What is wrong with him having to wear his wedding ring. I have been trying to get him to wear it for a while. He used to work on helicopters so it was a work hazard. But he no longer does, so it's no longer an excuse.

[Mun]

Did you talk about why he cheated ?( assuming he did) Cheating is usually a symptom of a bigger problem. There must be something missing in the relationship or he would not have looked elsewhere. I'm not saying you caused it...I'm saying find out what is going on. Deal with that and you might have a chance to re-build what has been destroyed.

 

Yes he was wrong and he should be working to win your trust again... this is a relationship and if it has any chance at all it will take both of you. Do you want to keep this man? It's your call girl.

[Goodgirl]

I did post that we had some previous problems, on this message, and to look at my last two topics, that I've posted. It might help explain. Here's the condensed version.

 

My husband is in the military. He and I were apart for 15 months almost all at once. Both deployments were unplanned one was for Iraq, the other was for Africa. When he returned from Africa, we decided to move me home with my mom, so I wouldn't be alone.... again while he did some training for his new job.It worked out good, I got a job, bought a new car, we had only one for a long time. But, the damage was done, and we were struggling to keep our marriage together, because of all our time apart. We lacked intimacy, and happy memories. All the memories I have are of him leaving overseas. We cried, we tried, we went out on "dates" we laughed, and tried to regain some sanity between us. I thought we could do it.But two months is not enough. We spent one month getting ready to move from our old home, one month at home with our relatives( kinda sucked being around family, but he hadn't seen his relatives in 2 yrs) then he had to leave to Cali to do his training for 3 months. I can't go with him, its not allowed. So when he was in Cali for those 3 months, that's when it happened. We were talking alot, about separation and divorce, because of just growing apart. But ultimately we decided coming out here would be best, he was no longer going to be deployed, the area is great, more things to do, more time for us. So I moved in late September to be with him. He was seeing her in August and September, when he was without me, but I was getting ready to move.But he also called her in November, and January. So what's up with that. The time apart has been very hard on me too but, I didnt go pick up some guy and start dating him.

 

He admitts he really messed up, and said he doesn't want me to leave. I don't know if you get it , but there it is.

[circles]

when was the last time you knew you loved him?

he wants to stay with you, he screwed up and the fact that he is attempting to abide by the rules you set for him show thet you do mean a lot to him.

being in love with somone and having them barely tolerating your existence feels awful. surely you must have experienced this? i know how it feels to be betrayed. i know how it feels to be cheated on, i know how it feels to be in a one sided relationship. it sucks. its terrible. i think adding more negativity to the relationship is a bad idea if you want to salvage it. but perhaps you dont.

if you love him, forgive him, move on. if you dont, divorce, move on. dont torture eachother just becasue he has hurt you. it wont help you any.

and yes it is okay to epress anger, adn do, express anger, but not for revenge, do ti so you can let it go. its not good harbouring negative fellings. regardless of the desision you make about your marrige. you need to make a desision about your marrige.

[RayKay]

Well..to the rules, I can't say I agree with those....those who feel imprisoned and like they are losing their freedom have this tendency to at some point want to break free.

 

He broke your trust most DEFINITELY, but you are still BOTH adults and this is still BOTH of yours relationship and I reall don't think babysitting is the answer or the right environment to rebuild that trust. If that is the way the relationship is going to be I think it is only dragging on the end.

 

I think rather you should be thinking in terms of seeing if reconciliation is possible, not punishment. And you need to have some big talks. Why did HE cheat...you have your ideas, but he may have done it for other reasons. How far did it really go? And so on. You need to figure out the whys before the hows can be determined.

 

I just think you need to be careful about your methods for all of this....he is an adult and "rules" should not be set for him that are that well, admit it, restricting and born out of revenge, anger and mistrust. You have every reason not to trust him right now, but what you do now will set a pattern and determine where things are going to go. He definitely should be begging for your forgiveness, but deleting his email accoounts and such is being authoritarian. This is something that will be resolved only when the environment feels secure enough for you to both talk openly and honestly and work things through, not when one is too angry, and the other is feeling like a child. I think in some ways you are taking advantage of his vulnerability in wanting to stay and trying to get revenge on him...not a good environment.

 

This is BOTH of yours relationship, and not yours more than his, or vice versa. You do really need to find out the whys and the hows, and the whats before you can figure out the next steps. This needs to be about either forgiveness, healing and moving forward, or about moving on from each other...not about continuing the pain and miserableness or "getting back at him". I guarantee the last will end badly..whether you want him back or not.

[Goodgirl]

He is in the military, his life is authoritarian.His current job, well he poses as a dictator to people who want to be in the military. I am not trying to hurt him, but I feel like I have been stabbed in the back. He had his freedom, too much I guess. I am not saying this is forever, I just need my time and space, I'm not going to "punish him" if he doesn't follow through. I can't monitor him, there is no way that is possible. His job requires too much of him, for the longest time I felt like he was married to his job and I was "the other woman".

 

Maybe if I was a little more demanding ,questioned him more often and watched him more to begin with this would of never happened.

[Angel Irulan]

Don't ever kick your man out of bed if you want him in your life. You may not agree with what I say, but it's time tested in my life. Once you begin having sex with a guy, it's impossible to stop without sending them an I don't love you anymore message and that is all it takes for most guys. They are outta there, especially when you are already competeing for your own hubby with another woman. And that is what it is right now, a competition. Statistics are on your side, the majority of women who fight for their marriages win. Do you want that to be you?

 

Right now I see that you are searching for revenge on your hubby, but in the long run what you think of now as against him could so easily turn against you. Is that what you want? If so I should just stop here.

[Goodgirl]

Circles I moved 1500 miles away from everything I knew, to build a life with him. His unpredictable life has left me behind , trying figure out who I am and live by myself alot. I knew I loved him when I got in the car in September , took his Parents ( who I don't get along with) and drove 1500 miles to be at his graduation. He has always said that he loves me, everyday since we were dating. He was telling me that when he was seeing her, but if he loved me that much, why did he do it? Well he doesn't seem to know why. Except that he was confused and that he didn't know how he felt... because of all our problems.

 

I am trying to let go of my anger, trying to move on, it's easier said than done. I deleted his email adddress cause come to find out he was doing some shady things on there too. LIke I said, I trusted him too much, I never gave him any rules or conditions. Come to find out if I don't express to him that looking at porn any chance he gets, and chatting with any girl who has a half naked picture is not what I think a husband should be doing, he will do it. I knew he was looking online, I know he was talking to people, but it was all out of fun. I thought it was cute, funny, he would get embarrassed and close it when I would pass by. But , I didn't know how bad it was, until I saw for myself. He also had one deleted cause he told me to.. He had his password stolen and someone was sending porn cam links from his address. ( How do you think that happened?) When I told him to let me have the password so i could change it, he said just to delete it, which I did, at first. But when I found out about the cheating, I reopened it and changed the password, that's when I saw what he was doing in his spare time.

 

Like I have said before, I have never done anything like this before. He had alot of freedom, becaue I trusted him so much. He knows I am a good person, and a nice person, who usually takes advantage of my kindness. If I was really a mean B**** I would of told his command by now. He would get in so much trouble and have his career ruined. But , I'm willing to try and figure things out, we talk everyday, about everything. The topics will swing from what he did at work to , WHy did he do this.

 

One more thing.... Back in August I had bought a book on relationships for us to try out,....... HE told me to get rid of it, "we don't need it"....

 

I wonder how many minutes after hanging up with and saying that, did he call her?

[Goodgirl]

OMG I can't believe u said not to kick him out of my bed. I don't think he deserves any courtesty of sleeping in the same bed with me. How can I ? What if he was still seeing her, and I let him be with me? Not only could I pick up some nasty disease, but that is disgusting. He would be in heaven, having his cake and eating it too. How much more of me do I give him, he took my heart, my soul, now my pride too. NICE>

 

Letting be with me, knowing he was with someone else, is telling him its ok.

[Goodgirl]

ANGEL Irlan... BTW we have spent 6 months and 7 months apart, and did not have sex , because it was virtually impossible. I don't think that he will think I don't love him If I don't have sex with him for a few months.

 

We had to learn to love each other differently, I guess no one can relate here , because no one has a military relationship.

[RayKay]

ANGEL Irlan... BTW we have spent 6 months and 7 months apart, and did not have sex , because it was virtually impossible. I don't think that he will think I don't love him If I don't have sex with him for a few months.

 

We had to learn to love each other differently, I guess no one can relate here , because no one has a military relationship.

 

I have been in military relationships, my younger sister is even in one right now. I have also been in long distance ones, as have many here, so don't dismiss the advice based on that assumption.

 

We all know you are hurting, and this is a tough situation...but you should be seeking couples counselling, and talking...there are other ways to approach this situation in other words.

[Goodgirl]

OMG you have been in a military relationship. so what.. No one seems to get it.

 

Thanks for the "friendly advice". Ya know I didn't do anything wrong here and I shouldn't be treated as if I had.

 

All I do what is right, that is all I do, care about other people. Why the hell can't someone just care about me..

 

I'm sorry if I offended you, Here I go apologizing again. What the hell for. I'm wrong your right. just forget I ever said anything.

 

this is all a bunch of crap.