Goodgirl

Ron, thanks for your words. It seems like everything I say is being dissected here.I try to make it sound clear, but I don't know how else to put it. I am just going to take my time, and he knows. We are just going to continue talking, and taking things as they come. He knows I am very unhappy, and neither of us know what we can do to change that. Ya know, it's doesn't really make sense to say " its all on him" because I had no idea this was going on and was happy, I felt like "we made it" and were finally going to be happy. I don't know how anything can be improved on from what I thought we had. I'm just trying to be patient and calm. But, nothing really subdues the pain. So I don't know if time will heal it, I hope so cause if it doesnt go away, I just might have too. I keep telling myself this isn't real, and I'm just dreaming. I wish I never knew...

I know what I said this morning wasn't very nice. I am really not like that.I am not a vengeful person at all. I don't seek out revenge, I don't want it. I just want the pain to stop. I am really confused right now, and don't know which way to turn. I always felt that cheating was a deal breaker. But I guess I never thought it would happen. I'm just so tired, and fed up with not being able to trust anyone. I am tired of being treated badly when I do nothing wrong. I've had so called friends , say hurtful things and treat me bad, because they are just mean people. My family will do the same, I have tried to keep this to myself as much as possible. But, as luck would have it my sister is visiting right now, so I couldn't keep it from her. I told him today that if he wanted this to work, it was all up to him. I told him I wasn't going to do anything, or make him do anything. "That the ball was in his court" He seemed happy about that, and says he has "big plans". I didn't show excitement because he seems to never follow through with things for us. Work always gets in the way. I do think the military has alot of the blame, I always felt second when it came to work. But, he doesn't really have a choice in saying no, or that he doesn't feel like it. I accepted that, but it took alot of time away from us, and that's what ultimately hurt us. I really do appreciate everyone's reponse's . I guess I just need more time to reconfigure my plan's that I thought were set. Sorry once again.

OMG you have been in a military relationship. so what.. No one seems to get it. Thanks for the "friendly advice". Ya know I didn't do anything wrong here and I shouldn't be treated as if I had. All I do what is right, that is all I do, care about other people. Why the hell can't someone just care about me.. I'm sorry if I offended you, Here I go apologizing again. What the hell for. I'm wrong your right. just forget I ever said anything. this is all a bunch of crap.

ANGEL Irlan... BTW we have spent 6 months and 7 months apart, and did not have sex , because it was virtually impossible. I don't think that he will think I don't love him If I don't have sex with him for a few months. We had to learn to love each other differently, I guess no one can relate here , because no one has a military relationship.

OMG I can't believe u said not to kick him out of my bed. I don't think he deserves any courtesty of sleeping in the same bed with me. How can I ? What if he was still seeing her, and I let him be with me? Not only could I pick up some nasty disease, but that is disgusting. He would be in heaven, having his cake and eating it too. How much more of me do I give him, he took my heart, my soul, now my pride too. NICE> Letting be with me, knowing he was with someone else, is telling him its ok.

Circles I moved 1500 miles away from everything I knew, to build a life with him. His unpredictable life has left me behind , trying figure out who I am and live by myself alot. I knew I loved him when I got in the car in September , took his Parents ( who I don't get along with) and drove 1500 miles to be at his graduation. He has always said that he loves me, everyday since we were dating. He was telling me that when he was seeing her, but if he loved me that much, why did he do it? Well he doesn't seem to know why. Except that he was confused and that he didn't know how he felt... because of all our problems. I am trying to let go of my anger, trying to move on, it's easier said than done. I deleted his email adddress cause come to find out he was doing some shady things on there too. LIke I said, I trusted him too much, I never gave him any rules or conditions. Come to find out if I don't express to him that looking at porn any chance he gets, and chatting with any girl who has a half naked picture is not what I think a husband should be doing, he will do it. I knew he was looking online, I know he was talking to people, but it was all out of fun. I thought it was cute, funny, he would get embarrassed and close it when I would pass by. But , I didn't know how bad it was, until I saw for myself. He also had one deleted cause he told me to.. He had his password stolen and someone was sending porn cam links from his address. ( How do you think that happened?) When I told him to let me have the password so i could change it, he said just to delete it, which I did, at first. But when I found out about the cheating, I reopened it and changed the password, that's when I saw what he was doing in his spare time. Like I have said before, I have never done anything like this before. He had alot of freedom, becaue I trusted him so much. He knows I am a good person, and a nice person, who usually takes advantage of my kindness. If I was really a mean B**** I would of told his command by now. He would get in so much trouble and have his career ruined. But , I'm willing to try and figure things out, we talk everyday, about everything. The topics will swing from what he did at work to , WHy did he do this. One more thing.... Back in August I had bought a book on relationships for us to try out,....... HE told me to get rid of it, "we don't need it".... I wonder how many minutes after hanging up with and saying that, did he call her?

He is in the military, his life is authoritarian.His current job, well he poses as a dictator to people who want to be in the military. I am not trying to hurt him, but I feel like I have been stabbed in the back. He had his freedom, too much I guess. I am not saying this is forever, I just need my time and space, I'm not going to "punish him" if he doesn't follow through. I can't monitor him, there is no way that is possible. His job requires too much of him, for the longest time I felt like he was married to his job and I was "the other woman". Maybe if I was a little more demanding ,questioned him more often and watched him more to begin with this would of never happened.

I did post that we had some previous problems, on this message, and to look at my last two topics, that I've posted. It might help explain. Here's the condensed version. My husband is in the military. He and I were apart for 15 months almost all at once. Both deployments were unplanned one was for Iraq, the other was for Africa. When he returned from Africa, we decided to move me home with my mom, so I wouldn't be alone.... again while he did some training for his new job.It worked out good, I got a job, bought a new car, we had only one for a long time. But, the damage was done, and we were struggling to keep our marriage together, because of all our time apart. We lacked intimacy, and happy memories. All the memories I have are of him leaving overseas. We cried, we tried, we went out on "dates" we laughed, and tried to regain some sanity between us. I thought we could do it.But two months is not enough. We spent one month getting ready to move from our old home, one month at home with our relatives( kinda sucked being around family, but he hadn't seen his relatives in 2 yrs) then he had to leave to Cali to do his training for 3 months. I can't go with him, its not allowed. So when he was in Cali for those 3 months, that's when it happened. We were talking alot, about separation and divorce, because of just growing apart. But ultimately we decided coming out here would be best, he was no longer going to be deployed, the area is great, more things to do, more time for us. So I moved in late September to be with him. He was seeing her in August and September, when he was without me, but I was getting ready to move.But he also called her in November, and January. So what's up with that. The time apart has been very hard on me too but, I didnt go pick up some guy and start dating him. He admitts he really messed up, and said he doesn't want me to leave. I don't know if you get it , but there it is.

Yes I do fear he will rebel, and even told him that I fear it.,and like I said . He told me he is willing to do anything. He suggested the calling me when he gets to work, and leaves work. He suggested the couch. We spoke about this together,it was our conditons for now, just so I can figure out where we are headed next. How is this going to far? He can still use the internet, just for web searches about work related material. His phone change, come on... what if she tries to call him. He also suggested the counseling, he is willing to go and is going to schedule it. What is wrong with him having to wear his wedding ring. I have been trying to get him to wear it for a while. He used to work on helicopters so it was a work hazard. But he no longer does, so it's no longer an excuse.

I don't want revenge , I want answers. I gave him the couch. Its roomy.

"demeaning, humiliating and ultimately unworkable. " AND WHAT IS HIM CHEATING THEN? I am trying to be reasonable, I am not trying to be mean. But seriously does he deserve any courtesys? Does he deserve to lay next to me, does he deserve to have sex with me. Does he deserve to be treated like my husband? Cause a husband wouldnt do this. We will try counseling, but I am so unsure if it is even worth it. I am way to hurt.

My "rules" are basically conditions, if he wants to stay with me. I told him that this doesn't mean I want to stay with him. He said he would do anything, so I told him to A) Sleep on the couch, indefinatley. B) Stay out of my room, and don't wake me up in the morning. C) Move all his stuff out of the room, I don't want him to walk in when I'm asleep D) Wear his wedding ring, no matter what or else( he didn't wear it cause of his job, he's in the military) E) I deleted both of his email addresses, he is not allowed on at all, unless its just to research for work F) He will be getting his cell number changed G) He has to call me when he gets to work, leaving work for any reason, or when he is on his way home H) If he wants any counseling ( he suggested it) he is to schedule it and tell me when to show up I) Oh yeah, and definitely NO SEX. No kissing. INdefinatley He has tried to kiss me and I pull away. I can't believe this crap!!! I told him, this doesn't mean I am staying with him.We had a long conversation last night, and we came to these terms. But all day today, I have just been feeling it is not enough, he needs to suffer a whole lot more. I told him too. I told him that it's not fair, I don't think he's in pain like I am, and I think he should move out. He understands, but I need time to think. I also told him anything else I think of that he should do, he will. Here's the thing. I never set any rules. I never gave him conditions, He Freaking knew the one thing that would hurt me the most. He is in the military, and we had been apart a whole lot ( Iraq, and Africa). I trusted him. He was always so tired and had alot of work. I know I was there, you can ask any wife. So I didn't call him and nag, I didn't tell him no. I gave him every freedom a married man could have. He never gave me a reason not to trust him. We had just spent 15 months apart, and then when this "event "happened we were spending another 3 months apart ,all cause of work. Our marriage had suffered a blow from all our time apart, we were thinking about divorce then, or separation. But, we were still together. At least I thought.....

This guy is my husband , we will have been married 5 years in APRIL.

Well two nights ago, I was going through a planner I had got for him. I had sent in to him while he was in California for some military training. He's not very organized and never used it, it still had the tags and everything on it, from August! So I took it for myself, and started putting dates and times in there and was looking around for my old calendar to put some numbers in it. I was just sitting down hanging out, and started flipping through it, to get all the other little tags and papers out of it. As I flip through each section I come to a phone number with a girls name. At first I start laughing thinking , oh some girl gave him her number, how cute. But, called him and asked if I could used it, even though I was, and he said yeah sure. ( I guess he forgot what he had in there) I didn't think much else. But then I wondered, " did he call , hmm I wonder". So lucky for him and me I keep all the cell phone bills filled away. I decided to look back at August and September.I COULDN"T BELIEVE IT!!! I found the number all over the damn phone bill!!! I called him immediately and before I could say anything ,he said, hey I will be home in 20 mins. I said oh ok, I and made a plan of action. I went up to my room to wait for him ( my sister is here visiting) and highlighted all the calls the most recent one was last month!!! He walked in the door, and I caught him and told him to come upstairs, all sweetly and smiley. I teased him about a t-shirt that was all dirty from a martial arts class he had, let him in the door and closed it. I then showed him the number and asked him what it was. He said " I don't know" I said really cause you must know something, its all over your cell phone bill. He said I don't know what the hell this is, what are you implying. I said I don't know tell me what to think? He said I don't know what that is, I dont know, blah blah. I said well lets call it then, he said fine. I started to call and hung up, but he took my phone and called, and some guy answered. He didnt know who the guy was, and that was that. So now I was confused even more. I asked him for his cell, he said he left it at work, I said that's bull where is it? ( he usually leaves it in his car) . I went downstairs grabbed the keys went to his car, of course there it was. I started going though his outgoing calls, then he took it away from me. Telling me this was stupid, that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He was all annoyed, and said it was nothing. I said look be honest , did you do something? I said I dont want to be with some one who isn't honest with me, who isnt commited to me. He said NO, he knows nothing. I said well explain to me these calls and this number. I said let me see your cell, he wouldnt give it up. He said, what are you going to do, decided now cause I'm tired. I said leave then, cause you are hiding something and I don't trust you. He said he was going to sleep in the car. FINE!!!! With me! I said look , well then I'm wrong, I must be crazy, dillusional, cause I see a number with a name , and that number on your bill. Damn , I should get checked out, I'm losing it. I apologized and said well then I guess I was wrong, (sarcastic of course)let me put all these papers away. He went to his car. a couple of hours passed I felt bad, and told him to come inside, he went straight to the couch,and didnt say a word, except why did I let him in. I told him, cause I'm not a b****. He left without a word the next morning, and I called a friend for some advice, she said it's pretty obvious, something is up. I left him a message, telling him that I was hurt that he was lying, and I needed a really good reason for the hurt to go away..... He called twice , I didn't answer. Third time I answered, I asked him what he wanted, he said nothing. I told him if he got my message, he said no. I hung up. He called back... I said WHAT? He said , just to let you know, I'm moving out when I get a break. I said why? If you move out your telling me u did something.... Did you? He said nothing... Basically this is how it went. I told him , so your telling me you can't deny it cause the truth is right in front of me. HE said YES.... I would give more details, but this is long enough. I have posted a couple of other problems on here that could explain the past year. Just do a search for my screenname. I feel so betrayed, I have sacrificed so much for this stupid man. He says he is so sorry, he messed up. He wants us to work out, he will do anything. I have already made some new rules for him, but it doesn't feel like enough, I feel like he is getting off way to easily. I dont think he is suffering like I am. His tears are not enough, his apology means nothing. I don't know what will be enough. I think I want him to move out. I am so hurt, he wants me just to forget it, but how can i. He called last month!!!! Who knows what the rest of January's bill will show. BTW he said he just went out with her, and did kiss her, and that was it. They partied together, basically. But that's what he says... who knows.

Believe me, time apart is good, even if it is over Christmas break. It makes you appreciate the other person more, and lets you reminise on all your good times. I know it seems hard, but a lot of people have it a lot worse.