Goodgirl

Ron, thanks for your words. It seems like everything I say is being dissected here.I try to make it sound clear, but I don't know how else to put it. I am just going to take my time, and he knows. We are just going to continue talking, and taking things as they come. He knows I am very unhappy, and neither of us know what we can do to change that. Ya know, it's doesn't really make sense to say " its all on him" because I had no idea this was going on and was happy, I felt like "we made it" and were finally going to be happy. I don't know how anything can be improved on from what I thought we had. I'm just trying to be patient and calm. But, nothing really subdues the pain. So I don't know if time will heal it, I hope so cause if it doesnt go away, I just might have too. I keep telling myself this isn't real, and I'm just dreaming. I wish I never knew...

I know what I said this morning wasn't very nice. I am really not like that.I am not a vengeful person at all. I don't seek out revenge, I don't want it. I just want the pain to stop. I am really confused right now, and don't know which way to turn. I always felt that cheating was a deal breaker. But I guess I never thought it would happen. I'm just so tired, and fed up with not being able to trust anyone. I am tired of being treated badly when I do nothing wrong. I've had so called friends , say hurtful things and treat me bad, because they are just mean people. My family will do the same, I have tried to keep this to myself as much as possible. But, as luck would have it my sister is visiting right now, so I couldn't keep it from her. I told him today that if he wanted this to work, it was all up to him. I told him I wasn't going to do anything, or make him do anything. "That the ball was in his court" He seemed happy about that, and says he has "big plans". I didn't show excitement because he seems to never follow through with things for us. Work always gets in the way. I do think the military has alot of the blame, I always felt second when it came to work. But, he doesn't really have a choice in saying no, or that he doesn't feel like it. I accepted that, but it took alot of time away from us, and that's what ultimately hurt us. I really do appreciate everyone's reponse's . I guess I just need more time to reconfigure my plan's that I thought were set. Sorry once again.

OMG you have been in a military relationship. so what.. No one seems to get it. Thanks for the "friendly advice". Ya know I didn't do anything wrong here and I shouldn't be treated as if I had. All I do what is right, that is all I do, care about other people. Why the hell can't someone just care about me.. I'm sorry if I offended you, Here I go apologizing again. What the hell for. I'm wrong your right. just forget I ever said anything. this is all a bunch of crap.

ANGEL Irlan... BTW we have spent 6 months and 7 months apart, and did not have sex , because it was virtually impossible. I don't think that he will think I don't love him If I don't have sex with him for a few months. We had to learn to love each other differently, I guess no one can relate here , because no one has a military relationship.

OMG I can't believe u said not to kick him out of my bed. I don't think he deserves any courtesty of sleeping in the same bed with me. How can I ? What if he was still seeing her, and I let him be with me? Not only could I pick up some nasty disease, but that is disgusting. He would be in heaven, having his cake and eating it too. How much more of me do I give him, he took my heart, my soul, now my pride too. NICE> Letting be with me, knowing he was with someone else, is telling him its ok.

Circles I moved 1500 miles away from everything I knew, to build a life with him. His unpredictable life has left me behind , trying figure out who I am and live by myself alot. I knew I loved him when I got in the car in September , took his Parents ( who I don't get along with) and drove 1500 miles to be at his graduation. He has always said that he loves me, everyday since we were dating. He was telling me that when he was seeing her, but if he loved me that much, why did he do it? Well he doesn't seem to know why. Except that he was confused and that he didn't know how he felt... because of all our problems. I am trying to let go of my anger, trying to move on, it's easier said than done. I deleted his email adddress cause come to find out he was doing some shady things on there too. LIke I said, I trusted him too much, I never gave him any rules or conditions. Come to find out if I don't express to him that looking at porn any chance he gets, and chatting with any girl who has a half naked picture is not what I think a husband should be doing, he will do it. I knew he was looking online, I know he was talking to people, but it was all out of fun. I thought it was cute, funny, he would get embarrassed and close it when I would pass by. But , I didn't know how bad it was, until I saw for myself. He also had one deleted cause he told me to.. He had his password stolen and someone was sending porn cam links from his address. ( How do you think that happened?) When I told him to let me have the password so i could change it, he said just to delete it, which I did, at first. But when I found out about the cheating, I reopened it and changed the password, that's when I saw what he was doing in his spare time. Like I have said before, I have never done anything like this before. He had alot of freedom, becaue I trusted him so much. He knows I am a good person, and a nice person, who usually takes advantage of my kindness. If I was really a mean B**** I would of told his command by now. He would get in so much trouble and have his career ruined. But , I'm willing to try and figure things out, we talk everyday, about everything. The topics will swing from what he did at work to , WHy did he do this. One more thing.... Back in August I had bought a book on relationships for us to try out,....... HE told me to get rid of it, "we don't need it".... I wonder how many minutes after hanging up with and saying that, did he call her?

He is in the military, his life is authoritarian.His current job, well he poses as a dictator to people who want to be in the military. I am not trying to hurt him, but I feel like I have been stabbed in the back. He had his freedom, too much I guess. I am not saying this is forever, I just need my time and space, I'm not going to "punish him" if he doesn't follow through. I can't monitor him, there is no way that is possible. His job requires too much of him, for the longest time I felt like he was married to his job and I was "the other woman". Maybe if I was a little more demanding ,questioned him more often and watched him more to begin with this would of never happened.

I did post that we had some previous problems, on this message, and to look at my last two topics, that I've posted. It might help explain. Here's the condensed version. My husband is in the military. He and I were apart for 15 months almost all at once. Both deployments were unplanned one was for Iraq, the other was for Africa. When he returned from Africa, we decided to move me home with my mom, so I wouldn't be alone.... again while he did some training for his new job.It worked out good, I got a job, bought a new car, we had only one for a long time. But, the damage was done, and we were struggling to keep our marriage together, because of all our time apart. We lacked intimacy, and happy memories. All the memories I have are of him leaving overseas. We cried, we tried, we went out on "dates" we laughed, and tried to regain some sanity between us. I thought we could do it.But two months is not enough. We spent one month getting ready to move from our old home, one month at home with our relatives( kinda sucked being around family, but he hadn't seen his relatives in 2 yrs) then he had to leave to Cali to do his training for 3 months. I can't go with him, its not allowed. So when he was in Cali for those 3 months, that's when it happened. We were talking alot, about separation and divorce, because of just growing apart. But ultimately we decided coming out here would be best, he was no longer going to be deployed, the area is great, more things to do, more time for us. So I moved in late September to be with him. He was seeing her in August and September, when he was without me, but I was getting ready to move.But he also called her in November, and January. So what's up with that. The time apart has been very hard on me too but, I didnt go pick up some guy and start dating him. He admitts he really messed up, and said he doesn't want me to leave. I don't know if you get it , but there it is.

Yes I do fear he will rebel, and even told him that I fear it.,and like I said . He told me he is willing to do anything. He suggested the calling me when he gets to work, and leaves work. He suggested the couch. We spoke about this together,it was our conditons for now, just so I can figure out where we are headed next. How is this going to far? He can still use the internet, just for web searches about work related material. His phone change, come on... what if she tries to call him. He also suggested the counseling, he is willing to go and is going to schedule it. What is wrong with him having to wear his wedding ring. I have been trying to get him to wear it for a while. He used to work on helicopters so it was a work hazard. But he no longer does, so it's no longer an excuse.

I don't want revenge , I want answers. I gave him the couch. Its roomy.

"demeaning, humiliating and ultimately unworkable. " AND WHAT IS HIM CHEATING THEN? I am trying to be reasonable, I am not trying to be mean. But seriously does he deserve any courtesys? Does he deserve to lay next to me, does he deserve to have sex with me. Does he deserve to be treated like my husband? Cause a husband wouldnt do this. We will try counseling, but I am so unsure if it is even worth it. I am way to hurt.

My "rules" are basically conditions, if he wants to stay with me. I told him that this doesn't mean I want to stay with him. He said he would do anything, so I told him to A) Sleep on the couch, indefinatley. B) Stay out of my room, and don't wake me up in the morning. C) Move all his stuff out of the room, I don't want him to walk in when I'm asleep D) Wear his wedding ring, no matter what or else( he didn't wear it cause of his job, he's in the military) E) I deleted both of his email addresses, he is not allowed on at all, unless its just to research for work F) He will be getting his cell number changed G) He has to call me when he gets to work, leaving work for any reason, or when he is on his way home H) If he wants any counseling ( he suggested it) he is to schedule it and tell me when to show up I) Oh yeah, and definitely NO SEX. No kissing. INdefinatley He has tried to kiss me and I pull away. I can't believe this crap!!! I told him, this doesn't mean I am staying with him.We had a long conversation last night, and we came to these terms. But all day today, I have just been feeling it is not enough, he needs to suffer a whole lot more. I told him too. I told him that it's not fair, I don't think he's in pain like I am, and I think he should move out. He understands, but I need time to think. I also told him anything else I think of that he should do, he will. Here's the thing. I never set any rules. I never gave him conditions, He Freaking knew the one thing that would hurt me the most. He is in the military, and we had been apart a whole lot ( Iraq, and Africa). I trusted him. He was always so tired and had alot of work. I know I was there, you can ask any wife. So I didn't call him and nag, I didn't tell him no. I gave him every freedom a married man could have. He never gave me a reason not to trust him. We had just spent 15 months apart, and then when this "event "happened we were spending another 3 months apart ,all cause of work. Our marriage had suffered a blow from all our time apart, we were thinking about divorce then, or separation. But, we were still together. At least I thought.....

This guy is my husband , we will have been married 5 years in APRIL.

Well two nights ago, I was going through a planner I had got for him. I had sent in to him while he was in California for some military training. He's not very organized and never used it, it still had the tags and everything on it, from August! So I took it for myself, and started putting dates and times in there and was looking around for my old calendar to put some numbers in it. I was just sitting down hanging out, and started flipping through it, to get all the other little tags and papers out of it. As I flip through each section I come to a phone number with a girls name. At first I start laughing thinking , oh some girl gave him her number, how cute. But, called him and asked if I could used it, even though I was, and he said yeah sure. ( I guess he forgot what he had in there) I didn't think much else. But then I wondered, " did he call , hmm I wonder". So lucky for him and me I keep all the cell phone bills filled away. I decided to look back at August and September.I COULDN"T BELIEVE IT!!! I found the number all over the damn phone bill!!! I called him immediately and before I could say anything ,he said, hey I will be home in 20 mins. I said oh ok, I and made a plan of action. I went up to my room to wait for him ( my sister is here visiting) and highlighted all the calls the most recent one was last month!!! He walked in the door, and I caught him and told him to come upstairs, all sweetly and smiley. I teased him about a t-shirt that was all dirty from a martial arts class he had, let him in the door and closed it. I then showed him the number and asked him what it was. He said " I don't know" I said really cause you must know something, its all over your cell phone bill. He said I don't know what the hell this is, what are you implying. I said I don't know tell me what to think? He said I don't know what that is, I dont know, blah blah. I said well lets call it then, he said fine. I started to call and hung up, but he took my phone and called, and some guy answered. He didnt know who the guy was, and that was that. So now I was confused even more. I asked him for his cell, he said he left it at work, I said that's bull where is it? ( he usually leaves it in his car) . I went downstairs grabbed the keys went to his car, of course there it was. I started going though his outgoing calls, then he took it away from me. Telling me this was stupid, that I was making a big deal out of nothing. He was all annoyed, and said it was nothing. I said look be honest , did you do something? I said I dont want to be with some one who isn't honest with me, who isnt commited to me. He said NO, he knows nothing. I said well explain to me these calls and this number. I said let me see your cell, he wouldnt give it up. He said, what are you going to do, decided now cause I'm tired. I said leave then, cause you are hiding something and I don't trust you. He said he was going to sleep in the car. FINE!!!! With me! I said look , well then I'm wrong, I must be crazy, dillusional, cause I see a number with a name , and that number on your bill. Damn , I should get checked out, I'm losing it. I apologized and said well then I guess I was wrong, (sarcastic of course)let me put all these papers away. He went to his car. a couple of hours passed I felt bad, and told him to come inside, he went straight to the couch,and didnt say a word, except why did I let him in. I told him, cause I'm not a b****. He left without a word the next morning, and I called a friend for some advice, she said it's pretty obvious, something is up. I left him a message, telling him that I was hurt that he was lying, and I needed a really good reason for the hurt to go away..... He called twice , I didn't answer. Third time I answered, I asked him what he wanted, he said nothing. I told him if he got my message, he said no. I hung up. He called back... I said WHAT? He said , just to let you know, I'm moving out when I get a break. I said why? If you move out your telling me u did something.... Did you? He said nothing... Basically this is how it went. I told him , so your telling me you can't deny it cause the truth is right in front of me. HE said YES.... I would give more details, but this is long enough. I have posted a couple of other problems on here that could explain the past year. Just do a search for my screenname. I feel so betrayed, I have sacrificed so much for this stupid man. He says he is so sorry, he messed up. He wants us to work out, he will do anything. I have already made some new rules for him, but it doesn't feel like enough, I feel like he is getting off way to easily. I dont think he is suffering like I am. His tears are not enough, his apology means nothing. I don't know what will be enough. I think I want him to move out. I am so hurt, he wants me just to forget it, but how can i. He called last month!!!! Who knows what the rest of January's bill will show. BTW he said he just went out with her, and did kiss her, and that was it. They partied together, basically. But that's what he says... who knows.

Believe me, time apart is good, even if it is over Christmas break. It makes you appreciate the other person more, and lets you reminise on all your good times. I know it seems hard, but a lot of people have it a lot worse.

You say your daughter is a priority then stick with that. I know way to much about divorce. I'd say almost every relative I have has been divorced, on both parents sides. I have always seen the father bail out on his children, and focus selfishly on themselves. It is very sad, and the children are the one's who suffer the most.

Ok to continue my story. The couple had a son the same age as I , and we were friends, as much as 10yr old boys and girls are. One day after school, he told me that his parent's were getting divorced and they were because "HIS DAD LIKED MY MOM"!!!!!!!!!! As a 10 yr old girl, I didn't know much about divorce or what "liked meant". But, I remember crying that night and writing it all in my diary. I was so scared of what that meant, cause I didn't see anything wrong with my parents. I later scribbled out everything in my diary, fearing my mother would see it, and it would be true.A few yrs went by, and by the time I was 12 well , Things began to fall apart by then, I as the oldest child became a live in baby sitter. My parents would fight constantly and I took care of my lil brother and 9 old sister when they would fight. I remember being so torn up when my father told me he was leaving. By the time I was 13 it was all over, my parents went out on a full fledged war, and I was in the middle. My mom would take us out of town or to her sister's to avoid my dad. I would try to see him and leave him notes when we left suddenly. My mother began letting me spend lots of time with my friends, and make me take my lil sister along. As the separation began, my mom had me sleep with her in fear that my father would come at night. My parents would have me split trying to get me to take sides. One day my father told me that my mom had cheated on him and it was with this man!!! he even showed me a letter, apparently the guys wife went and told my dad everything. I fell apart tried to run away, and she admitted it to me at 13! Well the divorce rolled around just as I was almost 15. But at 14 I will never forget my mom confessed to me that my little brother was this other man's son, and that I needed to keep it a secret, and treat my brother nicely. I kept it to myself, and was shocked but kinda knew in my heart from the beginning. My little brother looks like his father, and nothing like my dad or us. Soon after the divorce "he" moved in. I hated him with a passion, I was 14 years old and he is the reason my parents broke up. My mom always had him hidden, and justified cause she was "in love" I think after all the fighting they did, and the akwardness of the situation, I lost it on my mother. I had been ill and coming down with something close to an ulcer. I had been pretty resourseful and found out it could be caused by stress. One night when My mother and I had a fight I told her I was unhappy, and could not stand " him" I told her the reason I was sick was because of him, and all the stress she put upon me. I left for a weekend for a church retreat and came back and he was gone. I never asked why or how, I was just glad. Well about 3 months later she started dating this other guy, and the divorce was final , and I turned 15.Things settled down a bit. I am now 24 and since then have had lots of time to reflect and come to understand more of what was going on. My mom has told me what and why this happened, and it doesn't justify what she did, but two wrongs don't make a right. Apparently my father had been messing around, I say apparently cause I still have not confronted him about it. But, I believe it now because of how he is in his current marriage. But, back to my point, this guy who was my dad's friend , well call him " Joe" he saw what my dad did, and immediately went and told my mom everything. Her being torn apart fell vunerable to him and they began to have an affair. They had my brother out of an "accident" but it's how things happened, and I am grateful to have him he is an amazing boy, who is now 14 himself. But, this story doesn't end, it continues on to this day, and may not apply to your situation. But, it's something to think about, when you think of all the possible situations you may be in if you persue a relationship with your friend's wife. My father' became very distant, focused alot on trying to settle down with someone else. My mom gained weight and became a meaner person than I ever knew. But, my father "believed" for 8 yrs that My brother was his son, but I think in his heart he knew that he wasn't. My mother and his father " Joe" decided at 7 yrs old it was time to tell my brother who his father was. I knew about it of course, I knew way too much sometimes. Keeping that secret from my own father, and family for so long was terrible. I was the only one who knew, besides my own mother's , mother. Then my mother told my father, and it was war again. Now both men did the worst possible thing I could imagine a father doing. My father gave up all parental rights to stop paying child support and dropped him from his insurance. I don't know how the court let him, cause he signed the birth certificate, but he did. I still hate him for that. But, "joe" ( here's a winner) stop seeing my brother all together. So my innocent little brother was left without a father until recently, which I still am dealing with. But to cut it short, my mom had another child about 2 yrs ago, and was going to court to get child support. They then saw that no father was providing for my other brother and began to inquire about who is father was. They went to court,and this man "Joe" who loved and cared about my brother and mother so much at one time , faught the lawsuit. he told my mother that " she should not have had an affair while she was married". He even had his kids on his side, his own children who are grown, one older than me, did not want him to pay child support for their lil brother. But after a DNA test it was done, and the got the child support, along with visitation rights. So now after all these years my brother is now seeing his father and even had his last named legally changed to his. I still have problems with this cause my brother wants a father so badly he does not care that this man abandoned him and refused to see him. It kills me that they had to go to court to make this man see his own son. Finally , this is what it comes down to, if your going to do this, and your not happy do it all the way, and do it right. Don't keep thinking about it , you and your wife either try to figure out what's next, by counseling , or speaking to a lawyer, but do it now. If your going to get divorced , just do it. Stop seeing this woman , it is wrong you are a married man with a family. You need to see how you can live out on your own without a woman at your side, don't do it for the other woman, do it for yourself. And your daughter, you need to really think about her the most. How is she gonna feel if she sees you with a woman who is her mother's friend? I guarantee that she will hate you, she is only 14. After you and your wife come to a decision, then you both talk to her and explain without pointing fingers or telling lies. Just simply put it that you two are grown ups who have fallen out of love, and can't work it out. Take some time apart, to let her adjust. Do not tell her about her mother's affair or yours that is between you and your wife, it has nothing to do with her. See her as much as possible, don't try to overcompenstate for not being there every night. But, be supportive and listen, 14 is a very vunerable age she needs her father now more than ever. Oh and most importantly for you and your wife!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT TALK BAD ABOUT EACH OTHER TO YOUR DAUGHTER OR IN FRONT OF HER. RESPECT THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your wife should do the same. I know you read this and think I may be a little nuts, well yeah maybe. But I lived in the middle of this very situation , which was worse because of my little brother involved. I try to be logical and reasonable, and here's one more thing. If you and this woman really are meant to be together, then your time will come. But , this is not the right way. An affair is never the way to start a new relationship, please tell me if you have heard of success stories from affairs. I don't believe that trust is ever established when you know that the other person began seeing you , by cheating on thier significant other. It still hurts to think about how much my siblings and I went through, and my brother today. So think about your child or her child will feel in the long run, think about their future.

Lost in Ontario, your topic hits me hard. It hits me so hard I am getting anxious writing this to you. You have described something that has happened to me only I was the child in the situation. My parents had some friends that we would always hang out with, holidays, bbq's you name it , we did it all together. I was about 8 and 9 when this was goin gone. When I was 9 my mother got pregnant, and she had transfered us ( my sister and I ) to the same school that this couple's children attended. By then my parents started seeing less and less of this couple, but now we saw the kids at school. I never thought of anything wrong, they even babtized my lil brother with them as the godparents. I will tell you more, just will be back later. Please whatever you do, don't think about yourself, think of your child, her child. That is the most important.

No I don't think a pill is a good idea to help him stay up, I was thinking actually maybe some coffee to help him in the mornings. He's been coming home at night to see me, and by doing that keeping me up cause he gets home about 12 or 1 am. I am currently working two jobs,(started the new one yesterday) so I was dead tired this morning. A co worker suggested I try some coffee, and I'm glad I went and got some I felt so much better.Hmm, but that's aboutit, i don't want to make hims stay up, he needs his rest for his overall health. We're doing ok, we keep apologizing for the way things are going, we're hanging in there.

lee, my post is pretty recent. Tea and I were discussing how I barely see my husband and it seems that the damage that was done from 2 back to back deployments can't seem to be healed, because of his new job. BTW tea, his boss decided not to let him go to the party cause they were to busy.. BUt, lol I went to get my mail Sunday and I had another flyer in there with the date and time !!!!!!! But, they let him come home that night to sleep. OMG he looked terrible he was eating with his eyes closed. I left downstairs to get his phone and 2 min later he was passed out asleep.I really need to get more involved, there's a wives group that I was planning to take part in, just haven't yet. But, lee8 depending on the branch of service your husband's with they should have some counseling available, through the chaplin or medical. He may be embarrassed by it, but it could help him with his issues.What exactly is bothering him?What is his primary job in the military. My husband went to Iraq and Africa and the only change I've noticed is his arrogance. LOL. But my husband has always been a bit conceited. But, we aren't as close as we used to be, and don't have the intimacy a married couple should. hey but we can talk more later, I have to go for now. ttyl

it's just a small party at a bowling alley I think. Yeah it's just for his company which isn't too many people. I believe santa will be there also for the kids. I don't like going to some of these functions for that reason, everyone has a couple of kids and start in with the Why don't you have children yet questions.I'm feeling really bad, he probably just decided not to go since I wasn't going. So he's working and not near his phone, so I will just wait to see when he gets a chance to call.

Yeah I'm near the base, but the party was today, it could be going on right now. He called me about 2 hours ago and wanted me to drop what I was doing ( which was getting lost in the city we live in) to go to the party. I asked him what time it was at, he said he didn't know. I said I didn't really want to go, he said ok forget it, and hung up. Like I said, I had no idea they would let him go, they don't let him come home at night, so I didnt think they would let him go to this party. I got two flyers in the mail, but made no plans to go, I even forgot about it and when he brought it up I said I wasn't going. He even saw the flyer last week and said he couldn't go!!!!! I guess I just have to wait.

I know he wont go to the extreme of getting kicked out he has a good career going, he wants them to kick him out. But, of course they won't, he will be in 6 yrs this coming summer he doesn't want to screw up. But no I dont know his work email yet, he hasn't been there to long. I am trying to find the flyer they sent me in the mail for the party, right now. I can't find it, I think i threw it away! Its so fustrating how things always happen, things just don't seem to go right. Well I need to dig some more for this paper, I had cleaned up alot of the mail I had laying around, it has to be here somewhere.

Yeah well I've put up with a whole lot already, it just has worn me out. I tell him I'm not happy, he knows But what can he do? He can't do a damn thing about it. He tells me he's sorry , even has thought of getting kicked out of DI duty, which is crazy cause he could get in serious trouble. Tea, I don't know any of these people from his work, I just moved here in October and would not see any point in me going to it if he's not there. I didn't plan on going cause I didn't have any idea that they would let him go. Now I dont know where he is, I have called him like 10 times, and he's not near his phone. I guess I will just sit here at wait for him to call, and I will have to apoligize for being an idiot today.

Tea, your post brought tears to my eyes. I know your looking at my situation and are worrrying more about yours. We already went through our deployments I'd say out of 4 yrs of marriage only 2 of them have been actually together. I didn't mind the small 1-3 month ones they were like a break , which every relationship can use. Yeah, at least I get to see him, that's what I keep telling myself. When I found out he was getting to do Drill Instructor duty, I was happy cause I knew he couldn't get deployed anymore. I said, finally I will get to see him more often.But yeah, I brush everything off these days, not hearing from him, not seeing him, not talking to him. But, what's left , ya know. He even called me today and I told him I didn't want to see him.His work was having a christmas party and were going to let him go, and he wanted me to go so I could see him. I didn't want to go, most of these functions are for families with children, and we don' t have any. Also, I don't like pretending like I'm happy, I'm tired of pretending. Just hang in there, it will get better it has to.