When reassurance is what you need, but a dose of realism is what you get.

[Carnatic]

I suffer quite badly with anxiety, whenever something is important to me then I will worry about it. I'm trying really hard to address this and getting help, but it's a long process, worry isn't just a switch you can turn off, so it'll be a while before I stop overthinking the negative and assuming the worst will happen.

 

I feel like reassuring words from friends that things don't look as bad to them as they do for me really helps. I feel a little less panicky when people say things like:

'I know you haven't heard from her yet, but from what you've told me, she really liked you, and she did say she would be back soon, so just be patient'.

 

 

'I'm sure you'll be much happier if you can move to a bigger city and make new friends'

 

'I'm sure you'll do well in your job interview, you have all the qualities they're looking for'

 

However, most people are wary of giving optimistic advice. They don't want to build your hopes up, instead they want to give you realism. They want to make sure that you aren't pinning all your hopes on things going right, that you are aware things might not always go right, and that you are planning ahead for if things don't go right. Optimism, people believe leads to unrealistic expectations and complacency; while pessimism makes you work harder, and have a backup plan. So instead of the above, I get

'I wouldn't expect to hear from her again, she was probably lying when she said she'd be back, she probably didn't like you'

 

'What makes you so certain that you won't be just as lonely in a bigger city, you might not be able to make new friends'

 

'Remember to keep looking for jobs even though you have an interview, you might not get the job'[/indent]

 

This might be OK for people who don't have pre-existing anxiety issues, but because my head is already full of the negatives, then just hearing other people reinforce those negatives just leaves me feeling demoralised. Not everyone is like this, I know which people I can go to for reassurance, but the people immediately around me at this point in my life are more focussed on the 'realism' so I get so much more of this, and have to really hunt around for reassurance.

 

I know the people who say the negative things aren't negative people, it's just that they presume that by giving you the optimistic side of things they won't be helping you, that they may even be sabotaging you by suggesting things might go well.

 

Does anyone else find this in their life?

[Hermes]

"'I'm sure you'll be much happier if you can move to a bigger city and make new friends'"

 

That one is wrong for starters.

 

Ever heard that expression: "Wherever you go, there you are". ?

 

This one:

 

"'I'm sure you'll do well in your job interview, you have all the qualities they're looking for'

"

 

Fortune-telling is a VERY imprecise art lol.

 

It makes sense (and is NOT pessimistic) to advise you to look at another jobs even if you have an interview coming up.

 

IMO giving someone false hopes is very unkind, and nothing to do with optimism....

[Carnatic]

IMO giving someone false hopes is very unkind, and nothing to do with optimism....

 

I disagree vehemently with that statement.

 

Believing that it is your job to ensure that someone doesn't have false hopes means that you believe that without your words they would have no idea that they could ever fail at something. That before you came along to remind them there is a chance things might not work out, they were being unrealistically hopeful and expecting everything to turn out perfectly.

 

But what if you reverse the situation, and you have someone struggling to divert their focus away from the worries that things won't work out. They've made all their back-up plans and they're beyond prepared for failure and even expecting failure. Then you come along and remind them they might fail, you never even mention the possibility that, what if they succeed... or what if things do work out.

 

Hearing this all the time they become increasingly unmotivated. They don't rate their chances of success, but it doesn't sound like anyone else around them rates their chances either, all anyone ever says to them is 'you might fail'. Ultimately they give up, deciding it would be a waste of energy to even try.

 

People are saying these things to them for the best of reasons... but you don't know what's going on in someone else's head, so it just seems odd to me that you always assume their head is full of unrealistic expectations and false hopes that must be tempered with a drop of pessimism. You never assume their head is full of low expectations that must be diluted with a drop of optimism. There's someone going for a job interview, I'd best go and remind him he might fail because he probably doesn't know that yet.

 

I know where you're coming from, I just think it's one of society's great mistakes, things that have become received wisdom but are utterly incorrect. I think it's harder when you have a naturally pessimistic outlook, because people who don't know what's going on in your head take it upon themselves to give you a bit more pessimism.

 

I think the problem is that people think, if they give someone hope that they might succeed, but they fail, then they're at fault for that person's failure, because of what I said, unrealistic expectations, complacency etc. But if they give someone a reminder that they might fail, and they fail then they think 'at least thanks to my advice they're in a better place than they would be if I'd given them optimism'. If they give someone a reminder that they might fail and they succeed then they tell themselves that the reminder helped drive them on to work harder and succeed.

 

People don't think, that maybe if they remind someone they might fail, and they do fail... perhaps they would have been more motivated, done a better job and succeeded, if only someone had told them there was a chance they might succeed.

[Hermes]

Well then, Carnatic, don't ask them! Don't consult them! Friends, acquaintances, not to mention those of us here are NOT mind-readers. And certainly not convoluted mind readers.

 

I strongly believe in encouraging people, I would never tell someone they are going to "fail" but equally I do not tell fortunes.

[Carnatic]

Well then, Carnatic, don't ask them! Don't consult them! Friends, acquaintances, not to mention those of us here are NOT mind-readers. And certainly not convoluted mind readers.

 

I strongly believe in encouraging people, I would never tell someone they are going to "fail" but equally I do not tell fortunes.

 

Well, their advice isn't necessarily solicited.

 

And for me personally, because I have these anxiety issues where I'm just so convinced I'm going to fail all the time. If someone comes up to me to remind me that I might fail, I can't just brush it off as unsolicited advice that I'll simply disregard... I take it to heart because it reinforces my own fears.

 

I hope it's not too convoluted a concept though. People need a balanced view on things to function, they need to be aware of the negative but they also need to be hopeful of the positive. Optimism and pessimism are both important things to have... but it just seems that far more people are keen to give you some pessimism than they are to give you some optimism.

[Hermes]

So, how would they know about the new city, the job interview or the "she", unless you told them/asked them?

 

In future, tell people (friends, others) "Please only tell me what I WANT to hear". And if any of your friends are honest, they won't do that.

[Carnatic]

So, how would they know about the new city, the job interview or the "she", unless you told them/asked them?

 

In future, tell people (friends, others) "Please only tell me what I WANT to hear". And if any of your friends are honest, they won't do that.

 

They're friends and family, of course I talk to them about what I'm up to in my life. Should I not be?

 

I don't know if you're being glib or not suggesting that I should warn people only to tell me what I want to hear. Obviously I'm not going to do that because it's a ridiculous thing to say.

 

Can you not see what I'm trying to say at all though? I absolutely promise you that if someone was to say to me once in a while

 

'it sounds like this move to a bigger city would be a great way to make new friends.'

 

It would not result in me building up false hope and assuming that my life will become 100% perfect if only I could move; rather the encouragement that there's a chance I might be making the right decision could be what keeps me going during the long tiring days of looking for jobs where I wonder what the point of it all is.

 

As you say, you can't read a person's mind and know that optimism is what they need? So if you don't know why not give them a balanced opinion with both optimism and pessimism, why go down the pessimism only route? Unless you believe that they're already unrealistically optimistic, but as you say, you can't read their mind.

[Hermes]

No I am not being glib, Carnatic. I don't "do" glib. What you see is what you get.

 

I am going by what YOU are saying, in your OP, where you are stating what you don't want to hear (re-read) and what you wish to hear.

 

Nothing wrong with "Good luck in your job interview" (for example).

 

Very different from "I'm sure you'll do well in your interview".

 

Life is rough and tough at times, Carnatic, job-seeking is tough, and I sincerely wish you luck with it all.

 

For me (and harking back to the last question in your OP) negative people are one thing, and to be avoided, but realistic people are to be welcomed. Yes.

[Carnatic]

No I am not being glib, Carnatic. I don't "do" glib. What you see is what you get.

 

I am going by what YOU are saying, in your OP, where you are stating what you don't want to hear (re-read) and what you wish to hear.

 

Nothing wrong with "Good luck in your job interview" (for example).

 

Very different from "I'm sure you'll do well in your interview".

 

Life is rough and tough at times, Carnatic, job-seeking is tough, and I sincerely wish you luck with it all.

 

For me (and harking back to the last question in your OP) negative people are one thing, and to be avoided, but realistic people are to be welcomed. Yes.

 

Well you know, most people are negative but say they are just being realistic. Realistic people have balance between optimism and pessimism. That's what I was getting at with 'a dose of realism' and I probably shouldn't have used that phrase, but what I meant really isn't people who are actually being realistic, but people who say 'I'm only being realistic'. And from my perspective these people seem to outnumber realistic and optimistic people by about 10 to 1.

 

Telling someone you're sure they'll do well in an interview though, isn't telling them they'll definitely be successful, it's telling them they have the capacity to be successful... there's a difference there too. Doing well in an interview is no guarantee of being offered the job. If people only want to make sure you're prepared for your possible failure then it's difficult not to see that as them feeling you don't have it in you to succeed. If you already worry you might not have it in you to succeed, then... it's difficult to ignore people saying something that reinforces what you already believe.

 

I know that not everyone is as pessimistic as I am, and often people do need to be held back from getting false hopes and reminded they need to put the effort into succeeding and have back-up plans because they might not succeed at everything. But surely those over-optimistic people aren't so common that it is a fair assumption anyone you meet is in need of reminding about the fact they might fail. Sometimes a bit of reassurance can just keep me from having a panic attack.

[RainyCoast]

i struggle with anxiety and used to have the reverse problem haha!

 

i hated it when they told me "oh, it'll go greaaaat, you go, you" or "it's all about how you feel, go there with confidence" and i'm like "seriously? i just gave you a list of 47 horrid variables factoring in that make this situation so frightening to me and you're just brushing me off with platitudes?! thanks."

 

so i figured. since i couldn't be convinced the universe doesn't actually have an agenda againts me. and since it obviously would not have helped me to hear "you're right, this is disastous. you're going down" (ha, had that happen too! along the lines of omg how are you still alive i would've killed myself-wow.thanks again.),

 

i wouldn't ask their opinion for a while and just focus on doing my best to ensure the best possible outcome while remaining perfectly aware that things could still go sour because such is life. there is something to be said of not relying too much on anything external- be it another's opinion, influence, or a set of circumsances, or even disastrous events. Once I got to that point decently i could take what was said at face value, it wasn't scary any longer. sometimes it's annoying- but that's when it comes from certain types that are best weeded out of your circle anyway.

 

so my point is it's not so much about what feedback people give but a lot more to do with the anxiety itself. i'm fairly certain when you're able to address that issue, then how others estimate your situation will just be taken as feedback/encouragement/constructive criticism, and not as a determining factor.

 

you could also try rephrasing your concerns with them. for example, when you tell them about a situation, say "okay, i've done such and such, my plan was such and such, i hope i chose the right startegy, if not, i also have a plan b which is suchand such. do you guys have any other suggestions? also, any words of encouragement? I'm hyper nervous about this."

 

or don't say anything much until the interview/date/whatever is due any moment and just go "okay, here goes. i'm so nevrous, wish me luck'"

and if they start to pi$$ on your day D with "actually, i think you'll suck balls man. RIP, buddy" then laugh it off or lose them!

[charity]

I find what you are saying quite interesting.

 

I am definitely one who's advice tends to be 'realistic' rather then optimistic. Perhaps the reason for this is that I believe its better to be prepared for all outcomes and one should look for solutions within oneself rather then hoping circumstances will go their way. Having said that I do find that the only people who this bothers is people who are overly anxious. So i might just think about my changing my advice/reaction in their situations.

 

However can I ask you OP if everone one was telling you the hopeful good stuff like 'You're sure to get that job, you have all the qualities they're looking for'....and then you DID NOT get the job do you think you might feel even worse? This would be my worry with an person who suffers from anxiety.

[Hermes]

That's it, Rainy.

 

"you could also try rephrasing your concerns with them. for example, when you tell them about a situation, say "okay, i've done such and such, my plan was such and such, i hope i chose the right startegy, if not, i also have a plan b which is suchand such. do you guys have any other suggestions? also, any words of encouragement? I'm hyper nervous about this."

[rosephase]

We all like to be communicated with in ways we like. And if you are in a close intimate relationship with someone (friend, family, partner) it's important to be able to communicate with them how you like to be reassured. For me how I like to be reassured changes person to person, I love when one of my friends makes fun of my fears it helps me get them in perspective, but I would be -super- upset if my partner did that. Sometimes I really love when my Dad helps me problem solve and sometimes I hate it. The trick is knowing what kind of support you need and who you can get that from. If you can't get the kind of support you need from a person you either have to pick a different person for that kind of support or communicate with that person what would work better for you (which they might be able to shift for you and they might not). There are people I love who I simply don't talk to about my anxiety issues because I know the way they react/respond is going to make things worse for me. When I'm in a really bad spot I will tell the people close to me directly what I need to hear, which is often "I know you feel horrible now but it won't always feel like this."

[Carnatic]

However can I ask you OP if everone one was telling you the hopeful good stuff like 'You're sure to get that job, you have all the qualities they're looking for'....and then you DID NOT get the job do you think you might feel even worse? This would be my worry with an person who suffers from anxiety.

 

I don't think so... I'm perfectly capable of telling myself I might not get the job, in fact that's almost the only thing I am capable of telling myself. I take on board what people say, they can give me validation and reassurance, and fill in gaps in my own thinking, but I'm not totally limited to thinking what they tell me to think. I don't think all the people in the world telling me I was definitely going to get the job would be enough to override my own worries that I haven't prepared properly, that I'm not the right person for the job and that I might mess things up in the interview... I even had to check the train time several times to make sure I hadn't misread it causing me to catch the wrong train and turn up an hour late. The occasional 'you can do it' would be beneficial (actually while i was doing this one of my friends took it upon himself to text me with almost that exact phrase).