Pmine Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Hello, Thank you in advance for reading my thread. I needed an outlet to vent on my pent up frustration, sadness and grief. I guess I'm being punished emotionally for dating a married man. I accepted defeat and failure for putting myself in the ill-fated situation the day I fell for him; we both knew it was doomed from the start. We broke up and came to a conclusion that meeting up will do us no good. We spent a whole day together (9 am to 5pm) just talking about our situation.. no sex, no hotel.. He was in tears during our conversation about how he wanted to be better for his daughter sake and be more responsible.. I cried because he was right. Yet, he still wanted to talk because he like me and missed me when we don't talk. I lost the person, the fantasy.. but he won't leave quietly, he wont go away, he won't let me go. He said it was rough not talking to me because of how he feels for me. He was confused and does not know what to do. I am not asking him to chose, I don't want him to pick me... I just want to be his friend but that won't work because I fell hard for him. I don't understand why he wants to continue talking yet he no longer want to meet "for the time being".. I don't understand what "time being" meant. He don't want to string me along because he didn't want me missing out on real things yet won't let me go. Last night, I was trying hard to avoid talking to him but he kept on messaging like nothing happened, as if everything was the same. It's not the same.. I was heartbroken, he was devastated. I don't understand what was on his mind, but I know in my heart I was hurt, and so was he. Maybe he wants to move on too but he couldn't because he missed me... I don't know We never labeled our relationship. "However we are" that's how we referred to us.... Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 What you have left is emotional dependency and cheating. End all,contact. Link to comment
El0t Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Let him know that, yes, he needs to do right by his daughter. Either A- commit to his family 100%, meaning no contact with you or B- getting a proper divorce and treating the women in his life with actual decency and respect. If his daughter was in his wife's or your situation in 20 years I'm sure he'd have something to say about the guy she was with… Link to comment
Pmine Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 I tried. I told him that we needed a break for at least a month. No calls, text message and chat, he complied for 4 days and we are back from where we started. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 If you don't respond, it ends. Perhaps you need a backbone since he lacks one. Link to comment
Pmine Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 I don't have one I lack self control Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Easier said than done, but I think your only choice is to cut the cord abruptly, followed by taking the lesson with you. Otherwise you have a one way ticket to nowhere. You can do better than this... Link to comment
Pmine Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Thank you. The day we broke up I decided I would never contact him again. I deleted chats, cellphone number and emails. It was the hardest day of my life. I was sick to my stomach, I couldn't eat, I can't concentrate at work, I was a messed. Then 4 days later, he talked to me and told me he had a rough 4 days, and stupid me, I responded. He told me he didn't want me to see him in bad light since I only knew this "bad part" of him who would engage in this type of behavior. I was beating myself, I normally wouldn't allow myself to be in this tricky situation. He was more into me and it always frustrated him that I had this "take it or leave it" attitude. I was protecting myself, I was enjoying the relationship with no string attached with him but then I let go, and allowed him to explore my emotions. That was my second mistake, first was when I dated him. I hope I can move on, and just forget it. The what if- is what bothers me. Link to comment
El0t Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Yup. End it. If you don't trust him or yourself to, maybe you should tell his wife. I'm sure that'll take care of it. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Breakups are awful no matter what circumstances one is in, this is no different. Your kindest thing is to tell this man to go confront his marriage and resolve that matter. If he's so lonely that he keeps turning to you to talk to then he needs to stop, take a deep breath, and tell his wife what is going on. And either accept the divorce or fix the marriage. This is all happening, because it sounds like you both are running away from other parts of your lives and have become each others drug of choice, for want of a better term. But you know it can't go, both of you, and one of you is going to cut the cord. And really he needs to go face whatever is going on with his marriage or he will find himself back in the same place with another somewhere down the line, which is not fair to anyone involved in this affair knowingly or unknowingly since yes his wife and child are, even if they don't know it. Tell him to go get counseling with his wife, to face the music of his consequences, and sort things out there. And you can maybe see what the future holds, but really neither one of you is being a friend to the other at this stage. You can't be. If you really love this guy you know it's the best thing in the world to tell him to go get the help you can't provide. Sticking his head in the sand will not make the problem go away. Therapy and opening up to his wife, the woman he should be able to talk to on a daily basis and want to talk to, is. And you need to move on with your life and find a man who is free to openly be with you. You deserve that and an affair won't ever get you that. And I know it's hard, but if you're already 'broken up" then yes you need to do it all the way. Otherwise this pattern can go on indefinitely. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 He's using you emotionally. This man is not your friend. He does not care for you, the wife or kid; otherwise he would not have gotten himself in this predicament. It's time for you to think of the other people that are affected by your selfish and destructive behavior: kid, wife, family and friends. I would also wonder what your family and friends would think of this? This about someone other than yourself. Go NC!!!! Link to comment
Pmine Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Hi, Thank you for all your honest advice and input. I needed an outside non bias opinion on the matter. I appreciate it so much. I don't get offended with anything that was said here since I know I was wrong. Being in this relationship was wrong, and liking him was wrong (I don't know if it's love, but I do care for him). Last night, we discussed yet again about letting go- ;forget me, forget him as if we don't know each other. He agreed, he has nothing to offer me; I'm 30 and he's 40, I have a life ahead of me while he's married with a toddler. He told me a relationship with him is full of uncertainty , which I agree; I'm the same way. Yet, he doesn't want to go "all or nothing". He said he can't let go because he missed me , he cared for me and he has feelings for me. I chatted with him expecting it will be our last conversation; but I was weak; I couldn't leave, I couldn't let go. Our relationship started out as purely sexual; we both have a stable career that both of us have often stayed at work so late that we became the "outlet" for each other; talking all day long. We would meet once every two weeks and spent the whole day together. We never talked about his wife; I have no clue who she was, what kind of person she is and what type of relationship they have other than they're married. But he has a lot of things to say about his daughter, he shared her pictures with me, places they both visited and text me in the middle of the night telling me how his daughter wouldn't sleep at night and he had to feed her etc; Good times, we felt like we known each other for awhile sharing those information to one another; except of course his personal relationship with his wife- I'm clueless. Then one day, he has feelings for me; which scared him and it terrified me. So we both decided to distance ourselves from each other; I thought it was a big mistake because being apart only reinforces our feelings for each other. I missed him so much my heart was aching, it felt like someone was ripping me apart. When we finally talked with each other after 4 grueling days of my life, I realize he felt the same way. He told me he missed our conversation it hurt so much. All I want is to move on; I don't see myself being with him long term; I don't want to. Maybe it was the sex, I was telling myself that; maybe we just enjoyed the physical relationship that we gravitate on each other hoping there would be more encounter to come.... But then why does he say he miss me, why does he talked about his emotions- his feelings for me.. I know it wasn't love, because if it is; it wouldn't hurt this bad. It's hard to let go emotionally when we talked everyday, he was a part of my daily life. It became an expectation to talk to him, without our conversation- it seems life was incomplete. Link to comment
Kadbanoo Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 It IS hard to let go/cut someone out when you are with someone everyday - but you MUST MUST MUST do this... a relationship with a married man is a COMPLETE life-waster. COMPLETE. It will never, ever, ever go anywhere and every day you are "with" him (I put that in quotes, because you are not even his, as he's married to someone else), every day is a day of your life you are wasting. I have three friends who have WASTED their lives with married men -one is now 40-something, been doing this since she was 27 with a guy who is still with his wife, the other is 29, been doing it 2.5 years, the other 52, been doing it 6 or 7 years. They are all miserable and they have all passed up opportunities to be in real relationships. I tell them to cut these guys out, they do for a bit, then they're back in the same cycle. It's very sad/frustrating to watch. If you want a real life and a family, you have to dump this guy yesterday. Who give a SH*T about his "feelings" and the "good times" you have... this will be what you will get for the rest of your life if you continue. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 You weren't his first mistress and you won't be his last. If you really want to move on you need to end contact. Link to comment
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