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El0t last won the day on December 4 2012

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  1. Thank you for your response. To clarify... He was in an accident and hasn't had a car for 2 months. The other driver was at fault, but his car got totaled and his license got held because of unpaid tickets. He was embarrassed a) that he had the tickets b) that he doesn't have the money to outright pay them off with everything else going on and c) that he doesn't have a car for the indefinite future. Not the worst offense, but still a lie nonetheless. Mind you, when we first started dating he also didn't have a car, but I made it very clear, both verbally and through proceeding with dating/ starting a relationship, that that wasn't a concern to me, as he had started out in a very rough spot and was working hard to improve his situation financially and take care of himself. I guess it feels bigger than 2 lies, because this is something that has been going on for so long with many small lies feeding it about what is actually going on on top of just the daily withholding of the truth. In between all of that, things had been improving, or at least it'd seemed that way. There were, as there always are, some issues, but they were usually resolved with some straightforward communication and a little bit of patience and overall the issues had been becoming less and less until this all happened.
  2. Honesty is the best policy, and definitely so in your case. You made it clear upfront how it was affecting your health, and your friend chose not to respect that. You kindly letting them know and excusing yourself is a good move. You took an amazing step in quitting and you have every right to look after your health and continue to make good choices. Best of luck
  3. The short of it is, after about 2 months of not having a car due to an accident my SO finally told me his license was suspended because he had unpaid tickets. He lied initially, telling me that the cop forgot to give it back and was mailing it to the house, it got lost in the mail, he ordered a new one, etc etc. I guess this would normally be a big deal, but something to potentially work through, except for the fact that he lied to me earlier on in our relationship. At the time, I was going to end it, but through to give him a second chance based on the circumstances; provided, of course, that he was honest with me going forward. In my mind I know I should probably walk away, but at the same time it feels like nothing has changed. In the past, I've always known/ felt so clearly when a relationship had run its course for any number of reasons. I can't tell if this is different because I don't think he's a bad person despite his flaws or if I'm just burnt out after a particularly taxing year of social mishaps with friends and family.
  4. So, to clarify a couple of things since we're now "into it" I suppose. This incident happened about 6 months ago. The reason I did not up and leave was because, though he lied, I do not believe that there was anything non-platonic happening. The kid is not his, but he helped her raise the kid for 4 years, and he himself had a dad who walked out on him. So, I guess he saw a parallel and felt bad about it. Since me finding out and us talking through things, to my knowledge (which I am quite confident in for this particular matter) they have not been in contact, and that part of his life is a closed door. Obviously, none of the above constitutes lying, but based on the other factors of our relationship, I felt it was worth moving forward and giving things a chance. Nothing is ever a for sure bet, but the fact that this occurred is something that won't just go away or that either of us will "get over" in any short amount of time. Dealing with the uncertainty in the aftermath is more of the issue and how to proceed in a way that's constructive for both parties. Overall, there's been a lot of progress since, but it's just frustrating having no real "assurance" other than the supposed absence of something, if that makes sense.
  5. Yes. Over the course of a month or so, he lied to me 3 times about "working late" when he was really visiting his ex and her kid. We were living together for two of those times. Needless to say, that was a huge issue and nearly ended things. It's not been easy since. I feel like there's been progress, but there's still a long way to go....
  6. So, like many couples, my partner and I have had the issue of trust come up in some capacity or another. One day, the thought crossed my mind, "What if I created a fake profile to talk to and 'test' my partner?" Obviously, there is a large moral issue with this, and though the thought came to pass, it never was a real consideration; however when looking online I found articles and posts suggesting that this has become an all to common thing with couples with this new digital age of dating and communication. Has anyone here ever done something like that? I'm curious to know what your experience was...
  7. My significant other woke up today and said, "Do you want to hear about a dream I had that doesn't reflect that well on my character?" Apparently he had a dream that his brother was meeting up with a model for Hot Topic or something of that ilk; painted on eye brows, fake breasts, bleached and dying hair. He said a camera was involved, like they were doing a photo shoot or something. And then they were sharing her on a bed. He said he woke up when she finally said "stop", so he stopped and woke up. -- Trying to satiate my curiosity, as this is something I haven't really dealt with before. Is this normal? Does anyone have an interpretation of what it might mean other than just taking it at face value? Or is it what it is? Is it a cause for concern?
  8. Don't know how to phrase this more concisely than to say that growing up my mother was the stereotypical Asian tiger mom. "100%? Wasn't there extra credit?" about sums it up. I don't think that it's necessarily a completely fair way to raise a child, but I do see the merit in what she tried to teach me and how it has significantly impacted my success in many areas of my life since then. As things stand, I accept myself as a whole and take a lot of pride in where I am overall at this point in my life. I think the judgment of others comes from perceiving that they don't reflect as much as I do or put enough effort into deliberately living their lives. True, that if I was similar to "them" in this capacity I doubt I would be accepting of myself. Again, from an outside perspective, I know it's not for me to say what is the "right" or "best" way to live, but when it comes to my personal relationships I can't help but feel a certain way.
  9. My entire life I've been concerned with efficiency and productivity-- no doubt as a direct result from how I was raised. This has led me to do extremely well in my career, with friends, and when I reflect on who I am as a person, but has always presented something of a problem when it comes to any romantic relationships. Even when in a trusting relationship with someone I respect, I constantly judge their actions and behaviors. I'm very precise about the people I keep as friends; I judge my partner's friends and their actual value to my partner. I don't believe that social media is productive or necessary; I judge my partner's use of social media. I value my job and commitment to it; I judge my partner when they take off from work to pursue something personal and "unnecessary". etc. etc. I've done my best to manage it, and over time I'm proud of the progress I've made in terms of distancing myself from these neurotic thoughts or acting upon them. However, I know I'm far from perfect (or sane) and my base instinct to judge/ reactive irritation or anger to situations (however well I may be able to conceal or manage it) is still present and problematic. If anyone has any input on how to continue to amend or manage these sorts of thoughts/reactions, I would gladly appreciate it; as I am feeling at a loss these days for how to proceed.
  10. Yes, lube. Also working up to it using fingers or various toys made specifically for that purpose can help. Best of luck!
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