Dumped... How to move on?

[Redabc123]

I was dating a guy for about 5 months posted about him previously. He broke up with me through text about 4 days ago. In a nutshell he said having a gf wasn't a priority and he didn't know what he wanted he wanted right now . I didn't reply back because I was pretty hurt, he did it through text and I didn't feel like he cares about what I had to say since he had been ignoring me prior to the break up. I'm having a hard time getting over the break up. I'm not sure why. I have been crying constantly and now feel like this situation has scared me from wanting to date again. His words keep going over in my head. I have deleted social media prior to this so I won't be snooping. I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how they got over a break up like this? Thanks in advance!

[Heavy]

Sorry that you are going through this but most of us have been through this. Being dumped without full explaination takes it's toll on you. Take your time you seem not ready yet to date and it would be a mistake for you too if you are still ahving hang ups about him.

 

Get out, see friends, exercise find something that makes you tick in your mind the less sitting around time you have by yourself the better and quicker. Go on a holiday and explore the world.

 

Good luck.

[wilyone 11]

I found link removed to have very practical and helpful advice.

 

How old is he? You should try not to take it personally. Many guys simply do not want to be in relationships. It is not what motivates them. They want freedom, space and fun, no matter how wonderful you are they don't want the responsibility of a girlfriend.

[Lysflower]

What's with people breaking up by text these days?!

 

The reason why you are finding it hard to get over the break up is because it has only been 4 days. It still feels very raw but it will get better over time. One day at a time, baby steps are steps forward anyway. You did the right thing but cutting him off social media. Write down a list of what you don't like about him: from your post I am sure that disrespect for ending it by text will make it at the top of the list! Reach out to your friends and family for emotional support, keep yourself busy whilst allowing free time for processing your emotions; and plan things and activities to look forward to.

 

Good luck!

[ghostgirl116]

yeah, and breaking up by text is disrespectful and immature. and really, when it comes to maturity, age is just a number. my most recent ex broke up with me via text (he needed time) with no real explanation beyond he wasn't ready for things, and he is almost 40 years old! and perhaps, one of the reasons (aside from the breakup being so fresh for you) that it is so difficult to get out of the funk is because break up by text is so rude!!

 

I had a guy come over to my house to break things off with me and that breakup was so much easier to get over because he respected me enough to actually talk to me.

 

you will get through this. it will take time, and give yourself lots of care and love!

[boltnrun]

People break up via text because they communicate mainly through text. Some entire relationships are conducted via text. I think it's nuts, but people these days do not seem to actually speak to one another.

[reinventmyself]

It is said, roughly that it takes half the duration of a relationship to recover. (just a theory)

So, if you dated 5 mo's then figure it may take as long as 2 mo's to be able to say you have fully moved on.

4 days is nothing! I imagine it may feel worse before it gets better.

Be patient with yourself.

[No1]

Text is easy, no one raises their voice in a text and its far less confrontational.

It was only a 5 month relationship. You had good times, but its time to move on. He just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. You do have to throw out what he said tho. He gave you an excuse that was invented in 129BC. That's about one of the oldest lines in the book along with "Its not you, its me"

He didn't see a future with you and broke it off. Doesn't mean you were horrible or you did something wrong or you said anything wrong or nothing you can say to get him back. In short... it ran its course.

To say youll never date again is just a knee jerk reaction that your brain is doing, it just got hurt and it started to build a wall to protect you from further harm. I think most of us said the exact same thing as you. In reality, youll date again. Now I cant tell you if youll never get hurt again, in fact no one can. Sometimes you just have to hop back on that horse and ride and see where it takes you. You might find the guy of your dreams next week or next year. You might have to go thru a few more heartbreaks, I don't know, but never give up... You are okay, youll find happiness again.. this guy was not the one for you

[Redabc123]

Thank you for this. Since then I did reply back a few days ago to his break up text which I thought would help me and get closure boy was I wrong. He replied back and said that he wanted to friends, that he has really been to himself lately and apologized. He also said that he thought I was a beautiful person inside and out and that he appreciated our time together. Here was the dagger he said that he had been missing his family a lot and that he keeps wondering what he did wrong ( he is divorced twice but he is referring to the 2nd marriage) he said that's been really hard on him and his two youngest kids have been asking a lot of questions and that's he has been closing himself off and it's hard to explain what's going on in his head. I replied back like an idiot and said that I was here for him and I'm sorry that he was going through a rough time. He didn't reply I then sent another text with. Quote and song and said that maybe he should talk to his ex and rekindling his marriage I have no idea why said that I think I just wanted to hear his reaction. He told me that he think he missed his chance. I texted him back and told him I was hear him again if he needed anything he could call or text.I got no reply. I feel like a complete idiot. I have no idea why I was texting him and him not reply made me feel worse. I had control and lost it in two days. I am now feeling the break up worse and can't stop crying. I feel so rejected and now I feel dumb for texting him. I'm back at square one and don't know to recover from this. Any support or advice would be great. Has anyone been through a break up like this?

 

I tried doing online dating but deep down I don't feel ready I just want to get over this. It sucks that he just doesn't care I know 5 months isn't a long time but the way I'm reacting to this is feels like longer.

[Redabc123]

I found link removed to have very practical and helpful advice.

 

How old is he? You should try not to take it personally. Many guys simply do not want to be in relationships. It is not what motivates them. They want freedom, space and fun, no matter how wonderful you are they don't want the responsibility of a girlfriend.

 

Yeah I have noticed that . He is 34. I definitely think I was more invested emotionoally than he was hence how I'm reacting to this break up

[mhowe]

He didn't say he didn't care. He said you were a lovely woman and he enjoyed his time with you but that his head is a mess.

 

You really need to learn to listen to what people say.

 

And offering to be his shoulder to cry on is absurd.

[Redabc123]

He didn't say he didn't care. He said you were a lovely woman and he enjoyed his time with you but that his head is a mess.

 

You really need to learn to listen to what people say.

 

And offering to be his shoulder to cry on is absurd.

 

I agree I have no idea why I did that. I'm really kicking myself for that one. I think I was way more emotionally invested than he was obviously. Him not replying when I was so nice was a dagger. In like most break ups I think I just wanted him to see what a great person I am lol any recovery advice? I feel like he won without replying. I'm so embarrassed

[mhowe]

He did reply. It just didn't do it within your expected time frame.

And it isn't "a dagger"...it is symptomatic of exactly how your relationship existed. He replied when it fit into his schedule, and you sent it to get closure for yourself and expected that replying to you straight away was mandated.

 

He knows you are a great person. He just really wasn't into a full fledged relationship.

 

He didn't "win" anything, nor does he think he did. This win/lose is all in your head.

[stayinpositive]

Redabc123,

 

You need to realize this isn't on you. He's had two failed marriages and while he may be a great guy and circumstances around may have caused them to fail, it has take a toll on him. If he couldn't do more than text you that it was over, then he has a lot of soul searching to do. I think you know this wasn't right and you deserve better. It still sucks but just give it some time.

[Redabc123]

He did reply. It just didn't do it within your expected time frame.

And it isn't "a dagger"...it is symptomatic of exactly how your relationship existed. He replied when it fit into his schedule, and you sent it to get closure for yourself and expected that replying to you straight away was mandated.

 

He knows you are a great person. He just really wasn't into a full fledged relationship.

 

He didn't "win" anything, nor does he think he did. This win/lose is all in your head.

 

When I meant reply, I meant to the last text o sent him basically saying I'm here for him if he needs anything. I been said I hope to hear from sooner rather than later which I know was bad move. I agree I thought this was a relationship and he clearly didn't. I think deep down I wanted him to regret breaking up with me. It was just not sincere what he wrote. I guess when I mean win/lose is how I made myself look. When he remembers me he is going to remember the last I sent and how he got the upper hand by not replying do you think he said he wanted to be friends because he was just being nice.?

[Redabc123]

Redabc123,

 

You need to realize this isn't on you. He's had two failed marriages and while he may be a great guy and circumstances around may have caused them to fail, it has take a toll on him. If he couldn't do more than text you that it was over, then he has a lot of soul searching to do. I think you know this wasn't right and you deserve better. It still sucks but just give it some time.

 

Thank you for this. I would have thought too that if he wanted to end it it wouldn't have been through text. It makes me feels like it was me because he didn't do it earlier. Why now? I'm not sure if him and his ex hooked up or he really does miss his family. I know I deserve better and I know I shouldn't have texted him. It does suck pretty bad and I'm hoping it gets better.

[mhowe]

When I meant reply, I meant to the last text o sent him basically saying I'm here for him if he needs anything. I been said I hope to hear from sooner rather than later which I know was bad move. I agree I thought this was a relationship and he clearly didn't. I think deep down I wanted him to regret breaking up with me. It was just not sincere what he wrote. I guess when I mean win/lose is how I made myself look. When he remembers me he is going to remember the last I sent and how he got the upper hand by not replying do you think he said he wanted to be friends because he was just being nice.?

 

Well, true to form, you have expectations that are unrealistic. When you tell someone you are there if they need to talk, it doesn't require an immediate reply. And when you didn't get one, you texted again and said "sooner.rather than later" which comes accross as odd.

 

He is confused about what he wanted. He cannot regret breaking up with you, because he knows you wanted more and he didn't have it in him to be that constant boyfriend.

 

You didn't make yourself look anything. You stayed true to form and expected him to act the way you wanted him to act. No he stayed true to form and didn't.

 

He isn't looking at this as having the upper hand. And I am sure his offer of friendship was genuine, but you shouldn't take him up on it because you will think it is a road back to a relationship and it isn't.

[Redabc123]

I

 

The sooner rather than later was all in the same text. Why would he want to be my friend? I'm not sure of being friends is a good idea either. I'm just trying understand where his head is. I know I shouldn't wish that upon anyone but part of me wants him to regret it I guess because I put more effort in this than he did. I guess I just wanted leave a good impression by being there for him, taking the break up well etc. it sucks because I know he will find someone else and I'll be beating myself up again. If I'm such a great person wouldn't some part of him want that? Do you think what he said about his ex wife was the truth? ⎌Could that cause reason for a break up?

[mhowe]

Just like you couldn't get him to act the way you wanted, you cannot make him feel what you want him to.

 

He thinks you are a great person...who wants a full time boyfriend. He wants a woman to take out when the mood strike and to focus on his kids. He wants to date. You guys were mismatched in that regard.

 

It is your issue that you were too invested in this, not his. And his idea of friendship may be different than yours. Regardless, you should not take him up on it. And offering to be his shoulder so as to leave a good impression...on someone who is excusing himself from your life....makes no sense.

[Redabc123]

Just like you couldn't get him to act the way you wanted, you cannot make him feel what you want him to.

 

He thinks you are a great person...who wants a full time boyfriend. He wants a woman to take out when the mood strike and to focus on his kids. He wants to date. You guys were mismatched in that regard.

 

It is your issue that you were too invested in this, not his. And his idea of friendship may be different than yours. Regardless, you should not take him up on it. And offering to be his shoulder so as to leave a good impression...on someone who is excusing himself from your life....makes no sense.

 

When I offered him a shoulder it was to keep him in my life I figured if he didn't want him to date he we could at least be friends which backfired and now I'm left regretting it. I must of been in an emotional state thinking he would see his wrong and realize what a great girl I was for understanding. Every time you tell me he doesn't want to be with me it hurts even though it's the truth. Although him and I weren't on the same page I didn't know that. I really did think he wanted the same things as I did well I atleast hoped. I wish I could have just dated him casually. This all such a mess in my head, especially the stuff about his ex wife if it's even true. He is off being happy and I'm here hurting and it doesn't really seem fair.

[mhowe]

How is he off being happy?

 

You make up all these scenarios....if only you could have dated him casually. Well, you couldn't. Your expectations of communication or lack there of, calling him out on wanting space/distance when he is silent for a few days, needing a "title". You aren't "casual" and a man with 2 ex's, kids and a vasectomy is not likely to want wife #3.

 

So, you went I not listening and are now hurt that he didn't deliver what you wanted. Next time...listen to what they say and if it isn't what you want, stop dating and move on.mdont just go with the program and hope for the best.

[Redabc123]

How is he off being happy?

 

You make up all these scenarios....if only you could have dated him casually. Well, you couldn't. Your expectations of communication or lack there of, calling him out on wanting space/distance when he is silent for a few days, needing a "title". You aren't "casual" and a man with 2 ex's, kids and a vasectomy is not likely to want wife #3.

 

So, you went I not listening and are now hurt that he didn't deliver what you wanted. Next time...listen to what they say and if it isn't what you want, stop dating and move on.mdont just go with the program and hope for the best.

 

I agree I was trying to not be hurt by finding out where we stood and as soon as he said we were on the same page my expectations went up. So basically he broke up with because of what I did? So it's my fault? I'm just assuming he is happy since before I got off social media he was posting all the time and smiling he seemed fine without me. His change in communication continued to decrease it seemed like he became less interested for no reason nothing from my end happened differently when I saw this happening I asked if he needed some space from me. It sounds like my expectations were bad but in my eyes I did t think they were. He knew I wanted a to be in a relationship shouldn't he take some fault in this? He also knew he was being distant since that's the first thing he mentioned.

[Ms Darcy]

He broke up with you because you are not compatible. That's no one's fault.

[Redabc123]

He broke up with you because you are not compatible. That's no one's fault.

 

 

That's really sucks to hear when he said he didn't want a gf or what he wanted do you think that was just to let me down easy?

[No1]

This guy has been using this "Poor Me" approach all his life. He has been married twice and I bet when he met you, he used the "Poor me" you were a sucker and decided this guy needed a good girl. Maybe you thought you were going to change him or how he viewed relationships. Some guys sabotage relationships no matter who they are with. You could of been the hottest girl in the world with the best heart. This guy's esteem is so bad that he will sabotage it before you hurt him. Then to soften the blow so you don't hate him he wants to be friends, I don't deserve you, youre so beautiful, I ruined it with you.. He says things like that because he is fishing for compliments. It makes him feel better. And you fell for it hook, line and sinker. How do I know? Been there, done it, got the tshirt and trophies to prove it.

There is no need to be friends with a guy like this. He is only going to drag you down and make you feel miserable. Basically bring you down to his level. He is an anchor that you gladly attached to yourself. The best way to combat someone like this is to say "Im sorry you are going thru this, maybe you need to get help, have a good life" You don't need him in your life, you were doing great before you met him and you are doing worse since he is in your life. Remove him from your life...