summersadness Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 My husband and I have been married for 2 years. Maybe it's just me and I'm the one with that problem, but my sister-in-law seems to have good control of my husband. He did tell me that she is his older sister and he always likes to listen to what she has to say and get her advice on things. However, sometimes I think that he would choose her word over mine. If there is something she doesn't like that I did, she will call him and tell him about it and he would get mad at me and would say that he agrees with her. Am I the only one with a sister-in-law like this? Other times she seems cool and I know she likes me, but when it comes to some family matters she always butts in. Sometimes I'm depressed that my husband does not respect me as his wife when he acts like this defending his sister. Anyone has familiar problem? Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 He has known her his entire life and values her opinion. What did you do that she didn't like? Without knowing the extent, it is either she has his back...or is a busy body. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 No, Summer, you do not have a problem. But your busybody SIL certainly does. Was this always the situation prior to your marrying? Yes, you are his wife, and it is with you he should discuss any matters, not with her. Link to comment
jjkk Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 I must say I agree w/ mhowe. It depends on what you've done that she didn't like. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 The SIL is not some kind of marital referee! She needs to mind her own business. Has she no husband of her own to bug?!! Link to comment
summersadness Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 We were making Sunday dinner and we invited his parents, she did not like that she was not invited. Called my phone and asked to speak with her brother. Made a fuss why the hell she wasn't invited. He got mad at me and told me to call her and apologize. I did no such thing. It's not like I intentionally did not invite her and her husband. She was invited for dinner at our place week before. And later she tried to act that the reason she called was because she wanted her little brother to feel bad. Of course at the end in the eyes of many husband she did not do anything wrong and I was to blame. Link to comment
jjkk Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 If there is something she doesn't like that I did, she will call him and tell him about it This implies that the OP did something and the SIL is calling OP's husband and tell him about it. This doesn't sound like it's marital things that she's discussing w/ her brother. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 I truly feel for you Summer with this nightmare SIL. You can invite anyone you like to dinner, it is your home, and anyhow as you say, you did have her and her husband to dinner the previous week. Are you expected to give a banquet every other day for all the family plus all the neighbours? Just in case anyone gets offended. Your married life is your private life, OP. Pity though all this was not cleared up before you married. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Did she come to dinner the week before? I don't see how you didn't intentionally not invite her...she wasn't invited to dinner the 2nd time. Now maybe your house is too small for your in laws and your SIL and husband. But if she didn't come the week before, it does seem a bit off that you wouldn't have had them when you had his parents over. Link to comment
summersadness Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 She and her husband did come for dinner week before. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 OP you say: "Sometimes I'm depressed that my husband does not respect me as his wife ..." Yeh. I'd probably be depressed too, except that no way on earth would anyone, SIL or otherwise, cross those boundaries into the privacy of my married life. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 OP the dinner or not coming to dinner is really only symptomatic of a deeper situation where your SIL wants to rule the roost, YOUR roost. You and your husband need to be on the same page regarding this issue. Link to comment
summersadness Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 I dont know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I should just leave it alone and not fight with my husband about that, because we do get into an argument when I mention his sister and how she butts into things that she has no business in. But then I'm like, wait, I'm not gonna let her dictate what to do and how to do it. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 It's a tough one, Summer, and perhaps all you can do is cultivate some kind of indifference (the lash of indifference lol). Link to comment
summersadness Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 He has known her his entire life and values her opinion. I understand that, but when growing up and seeing all the married couples I saw that once you marry someone for love there are the most important person in your life and now these two people are starting their own family. I still love my parents and my sister very much and I have also known them my whole life, but any important decisions that pertain my husband and me and our marriage I discuss with him and get his advice. I may ask my parents or sister but the last word is always between me and my husband. You can value opinion of your siblings, but once you marry you start a life with your other half and you value their opinion. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 As I said, he values her opinion. I didn't say he should put it above yours...I asked for clarification with regard to the topic. Personally, I don't value my siblings opinion that much, so I wouldn't listen to it. Is this new behavior from him since you have been dating? Did you think marriage was suddenly going to change him? Is there a reason you didn't invite them to dinner? As in, because they came to dinner last week? Link to comment
Moontiger Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 You need to talk to your husband about how you feel, in a calm way, "I feel hurt when you take her advice over mine." "I feel like she has more say in our lives then I do." You can't expect anything to improve until you talk to him. Link to comment
summersadness Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 I always knew that he had a good bond with his sister. When we were dating there was never a situation which would show me this behavior. The first time I saw that he listened to her was about a month before our wedding. It was about taking time off from work after our wedding so we could spend time with his family that flew here from different country. I never saw this or maybe I didn't notice was because we were not married. Maybe I started to notice after we got married because I had a little more to say since I became his wife. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 I always knew that he had a good bond with his sister. When we were dating there was never a situation which would show me this behavior. The first time I saw that he listened to her was about a month before our wedding. It was about taking time off from work after our wedding so we could spend time with his family that flew here from different country. I never saw this or maybe I didn't notice was because we were not married. Maybe I started to notice after we got married because I had a little more to say since I became his wife. Did you disagree with her thought of taking time off to visit with the relatives from out of the country? Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Summer, there is nothing wrong with having a good bond with a sibling. It is admirable. As his wife, and he your husband, you of course have a say in everything. That is what marriage is about. I just this moment recall something a man once said to me, talking about a couple who were encountering difficulties. He said: "A married couple is another country and you interfere in their affairs at your peril". Your SIL would do well to remember that. The dinner situation is neither here nor there. The difficulty lies in that he puts her opinions above yours. That needs addressing. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 I think what bothers you about the last dinner invite is that your husband valued his sister's opinion about whether she and her husband should have been invited or not over your opinion about it. I don't blame you for feeling hurt. I had a husband who seemed to put to put more importance on everyone's opinion over mine. When he would not believe me that his best friend had made a move on me, that was the last straw. I cannot offer a solution, only my sympathy for how you feel, and rightfully so. I divorced this husband, BTW. Are you sure this sister of his likes you? If you really believe that she does, you might have some luck with telling her how what she does makes you feel. It does not sound like she likes you to me. chi Link to comment
I_Speak_Jive Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Who calls to rag about why they weren't invited to dinner!? The chutzpah! You invited the parents. One mum, one dad. Did she give birth to your husband? Did she somehow inseminate her own mother and thereby bring the man you married into existence by the process of reproduction? No, she did not, so she is neither the mum nor the dad, so she can shut up and wait her turn for an invitation like an adult. Jeez. And also, what is up with your husband!? If he wants his sister over for dinner there he can invite her himself, can he not? He doesn't get to not even think about it and then give you crap over it like it's your job to think for him. JEEZ. Now even I am in a mood. Maybe don't get depressed and get pissed instead. I think they owe you an apology, sweet cheeks. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 We were making Sunday dinner and we invited his parents, she did not like that she was not invited. Called my phone and asked to speak with her brother. Made a fuss why the hell she wasn't invited. He got mad at me and told me to call her and apologize. I did no such thing. It's not like I intentionally did not invite her and her husband. She was invited for dinner at our place week before. And later she tried to act that the reason she called was because she wanted her little brother to feel bad. Of course at the end in the eyes of many husband she did not do anything wrong and I was to blame. My rule would be that he's in charge of issuing all invitations to his family. Period. Then whoever shows up, shows up, and I'm out of it. If you don't want to position yourself in a losing position, don't play. Link to comment
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