winterbloom Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 1/2 years. A year ago I found out from old text messages in his phone that he cheated on me after being together for almost 5 years. It was while he was out of state for work and only happened once. A few months after I found this out, he confessed that he had cheated on me before that too. About 3 years into our relationship, he had an affair with someone he worked with that lasted about a month. This past year dealing with things has been the toughest of my life. I wasn't sure what I was going to do at first, but decided to forgive him and work through things. Our relationship has been slowly getting better every month, and my trust for him is returning. However, about 6 months after I found out about his infidelity, I cheated on him with a guy I worked with. I was not seeking revenge. My confidence was at rock bottom because of everything that happened. And when this guy sought me out, it made me feel good to be wanted, and I couldn't say no. The affair lasted about a month until I broke it off. I cut all contact with him, and never plan on speaking to him again. I deeply regret what I did, and I know 100% I will never ever cheat again. That happened 6 months ago. I planned on taking this secret to my grave, but the past few weeks it has somehow worked its way back into my thoughts, and I am feeling a need to confess. My relationship has come a very long way in the past year. We have even become closer because of this. We feel like our relationship can make it through anything. I almost never think about his cheating anymore. We have talked so much about everything, and I know he truly regrets what he did. In time I know I can completely trust him again. However, I feel like in order for our relationship to truly recover, I need to be honest too. I just don't know if confessing is the right thing to do. Am I being selfish because it will make me feel better, and probably just make him feel awful? Or does he deserve to know so he can have a choice on whether or not to stay with me? How could he leave me for this after he has seen the unconditional love and forgiveness I have given him? Just because I stayed with him does not mean he has to choose to do the same though. We love each other more than anything. We live together, and always talk about our future of being married and having a family. I don't want to ruin how far we have come together. Do I keep this secret forever, or tell him and risk losing him? Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 If you want to be honest, start with yourself. You could have said no, you just didn't. You cheated out of a sense of revenge. And now you want to tell him so he will know how it feels. If you tell him, and he has a double standard and won't forgive you...are you prepared to end the relationship? Link to comment
winterbloom Posted June 13, 2015 Author Share Posted June 13, 2015 Actually I did not cheat out of revenge. And that is not the reason I want to tell him. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Then in the spirit of honesty and trust, tell him and let him choose whether he will forgive you. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Yes. He was honest. So time for you to be honest too. Better now then later. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I think you both should break up but that's not my decision. I think that because you've been in a long relationship filled with infidelity and he's not going to change unless he gets the help he needs (as do you) that makes him have a need for the attentions of other women. If you're going to tell him you best have a couples counsellor lined up to help you both deal with the very dysfunctional attempts at being in monogamous relationship that you've both failed at. You have other problems then who cheated and who didn't. The infidelity is only a symptom of your problems. So what is missing in your union that you both seek outside attention? A counsellor will help you with whatever it may be. If he's just a chronic cheater, well then he'll need more then just couples therapy so add personal therapy to his arsenal. I wish you well. Link to comment
indea08 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I have always thought honesty was the best policy. But if I really think about it, and consider how amazing my relationship is now, if he cheated on me ONE time....I would hope I never had to find out. I would lose my best friend and partner. My daughter would lose her father. More hurt would come from me knowing than me being oblivious. But again, this is only if it happened ONE time. Link to comment
Longview01 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 absolutely do not say a word.that would be incredibly dumb can cause double the problems and I guarantee you you both would break up Yeah stay in a relationship filled with infidelity and lies because only that can make you happy. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 What would be your motive for telling him? What do you expect him to do with that information? Link to comment
Cookiecubbie12 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Hmm in the beginning I think if you stay in this relationship your going to always be walking on eggshells ...You only found out he cheated when you discovered- would he have told you and discussed it with you had you not discovered? I think you need to really think about how things were from the start, if u want read my story, I'm still hurting and trying to figure things out. This theme of infidelity from the start ( when he cheated) really is going to make you wonder if you can fully trust him? Link to comment
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