shygirl82 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Hi all. Thanks in advance for listening and any potential advice/words of wisdom. I'm a 33 y/o female who came out of the 9 year relationship last year. Although probably for the best, the change was still a shock to the system. I have been using tinder (i really didn't know much about it before) not really knowing what to expect as I've never online dated before. So far, I've had terrible experiences. While I have had plenty of matches and keen texting, every date I've been on so far I have never heard from again. It's really started to knock my confidence and question myself. I am am wondering if I'm that boring/bad/unattractive or the guys are purely there for a one night stand (not that I have) or for the fun or stroking their egos. Thanks again. I'm feeling so low right now Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Why would you start on Tinder, of all the dating apps? Are you mainly looking for casual sex? I would go to Match or one of the other sites if I were looking for something more sustaining. Link to comment
Andrina Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 See if there are any link removed groups in your area. It's a great way to meet people without the high stress of a one one one date. You have to sift through a lot of sand before you find the treasure, but worth it. I went on dates with about 30 men after my divorce until I met my future husband. Take care. Link to comment
shygirl82 Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 No, I'm definitely not looking for casual sex. I'm hoping to find my eventual soulmate (hopefully). I would say I'm quite a shy person so maybe that comes accross on dates. Anyway, I was wondering if any ladies here had similar experiences on there or heard about them. I've honestly never experienced rejection like it before. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I wouldn't go to Tinder. I would look into Meet Ups, and people with similar interests. You just got out of a long-term relationship, maybe you need a little more time to yourself. If you're not over the ex, it will be hard for you to move on to a new and healthy relationship. i would slow your roll, and get to know you. Being happy on your own will attract the right people. Don't do this out of loneliness and habit. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Tinder is primarily a casual hookup site. If you put in your profile that you're looking for casual hookups and no commitment you'd be flooded with demands from people to meet you. These guys aren't calling you back, because you didn't sleep with them on that first date or let them know you were looking for casual sex only. If you want something more serious there are other websites and as someone else suggested Meetups is a great site to just expand your social circles in general. Also you have to understand all online dating is essentially cold calling in sales. You have to continue to tweak your profile, find out what what works in attracting the kinds of guys you like, go into it all with the idea that you are simply meeting people and getting out and if you should happen to meet someone great. But doing that on Tinder? Nah. And since you just got out of a long-term relationship right now your time is better spent on yourself and learning not to be dependent on relationships for fulfillment only, not trying to find a swap-out replacement. Having an attitude of "I have a pretty great life and you can share it or not with me, I don't care" is a far healthier saner mindset to have when dating period. Link to comment
j.man Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 There's nothing wrong with dating on Tinder. You just have to be mindful that it is frequently used for hookups. There are PLENTY of people using it for legitimate dating, though. A couple things to help you out: - Be unabashedly explicit on your profile about not gunning for sex (e.g. "NOT looking for hook-ups or FWB"). - Exercise common sense when arranging the date. Don't meet up with them at 9:00pm for drinks. Meet downtown, not near either of your places. Don't let them pick you up and drop you off. Meet during the day for coffee or lunch. There are literally hundreds of ways to filter guys who just want sex out with little to no effort. These should be universal guidelines anyway. - Take things just a bit slower physically than you normally would. If I had to guess, you either haven't outlined on your profile that you're not looking for sex or you're meeting guys in [what a lot of guys on Tinder would perceive as] suggestive circumstances. Then these guys meet you, realize you're not looking for a quick lay, and go off the grid. The good thing about Tinder being a good way to score hookups is that guys don't have to tough it out over several dates when they only want one thing. They're typically not going to settle for a coffee date, much less five dates without putting out, if they can get lucky with some other woman after a few drinks that very night. (This is all assuming you're not after something like that.) You want casual (read: that doesn't mean sex). I don't think a year is too soon to be dating, especially if you're being honest with yourself with you say you're ready. But given this is the first real dating spree you've been on since your relationship, investing in a paid dating website or some others where expectations for relationships run high probably isn't the best route at this point in time. link removed is also a great way to meet new people. My girlfriend and I have used it a lot since moving to NYC and while we're of course not using it for dating purposes, I've seen a ton of people in my groups start to suddenly come and leave together. Link to comment
shygirl82 Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 Thanks all. I actually made it very clear on my profile that I wasn't interested in hookups. To be fair, most of the guys haven't tried initiate that on a date. Maybe it's just me putting off some kind of bad/shy vibe. I am well educated and would say I'm in pretty good shape and attractive and I've never really experienced this kind of rejection before. It's very weird to go from full on texting (usually in the guys part) to complete silence. Oh well, I've learned that cyber dating is definitely not for me. Link to comment
treesandbees Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Least you put yourself out there and went out of your comfort zone, you can be proud of yourself for that I'd be scared to go on Tinder or other sites so good for you. First step, now just go on to another and give it a good go, and so on. I think local social groups with men with common interests might good, so you can see them right off and internet irl. Link to comment
Hermes Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Good advice from Holly and Paulette. H Link to comment
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