Journaling myself out of the abyss

[blanco]

I have a thread going detailing my situation, but I thought it was time to do some journaling, and since my hand cramps up after a page of writing, I'll use this lovely space for that purpose.

 

Quick Details:

 

- 30-year-old guy

- Dated girl for three years

- She has two young children (I met them when they were 1 and 3)

- The relationship was filled with obstacles and was lacking in many ways

- The father of the children suffered from depression and bipolar; his behavior and actions led to her ending it with him a few months before I met her

- We moved in together after 1.5 years of dating

- The father committed suicide a few weeks later

- Most of our time living together was very stressful; creating a blended family isn't easy and the suicide made it that much harder

- After only a few months living together, I was already thinking daily about not wanting to re-up the lease

- I have a tendency to be impatient. She has a tendency to be emotionally unavailable and is poor at verbally expressing good things (i.e. "I love you."). These created drifts between us.

- She also became more critical of little things to the point where sometimes I felt like she didn't even like me.

- She started looking to buy a house last summer. I decided I should probably get my own place.

- She knew I was considering not moving with her, but I don't think she thought I'd go through with it

- I finally chose to take an apartment and coincidentally, she closed on the house the following day

- She was very hurt by this, and we proceeded to stupidly hook up and had a great couple of weeks

- I decided to keep the apartment for my business and stay at the house with her

- The new situation never felt right, and within weeks, we were back to our old ways

- I left for good in early January, but still saw the kids a couple times a week and hung out with her as friends

- She started seeing an older man two months ago and it really shook me as I had not really closed the book on us as a couple

- He just finalized his divorce last week, has two kids, and is a higher up where she works. Very different social standings.

- The relationship seems to be moving very fast considering the kids and his recent divorce. I finally decided I couldn't handle it and told her yesterday I had to stop seeing the kids all together.

 

So this journal will chart my recovery starting with Day 1 of No Contact tomorrow. I know we weren't right together, but I loved those kids and that's made this a really tough situation for me to navigate my way through.

[faraday]

You got this.

 

Focus on yourself...and when you miss her, think of the fights, remember why it didn't work.

 

You'll be okay. In a year from now...your life will be unrecognizable...if you let it.

[Cheetarah]

You're right...obstacles right from the start.

 

So tough when there are children involved. I feel for you and for them.

[blanco]

Today is the first full day of NC. Before I went to bed last night, I read a thread on here about emotional unavailability. For all the reading I've done in the last two months about breakups, moving on, rebounds, dating recently divorced people, etc., the EU thread actually gave me an immediate sense of relief. As I mentioned in the first post, she had a tendency to be EU. As time went on, I withdrew a bit from the relationship, almost mirroring her emotional unavailability. Obviously that only made things more ho-hum. Our sex life became very sporadic where it had once been quite great. Our evenings once the kids had gone to bed usually consisted of watching TV and then eating something awful for us followed almost immediately with her going to bed. After a while, I'd just let her go and I'd stay up, eventually getting to a point where I chose to sleep on the couch a lot.

 

I made a lot of compromises for the relationship, effectively leaving behind my responsibility-free "bachelor" life and assuming a live-in father figure type role. There were periods where she seemed appreciative, but for the most part, it was as if everything I was doing was just to be expected and thus not worthy of any praise or slack. It didn't really seem to matter that she finally had someone paying half of the bills, on top of the normal child stuff like helping around the house, baths, taking kids to daycare, etc. Her excuse was always that she had high standards, as if that was supposed to be enough to pardon her from showing me gratitude for doing something that a lot of guys my age wouldn't have done.

 

It seemed like she would dwell on my past transgressions and rarely remember the positives. She came to expect me to "ruin" holidays and birthdays based on a couple of incidents that she blew out of proportion. She ignored the several holidays or gatherings that were either unremarkable or actually quite good. I certainly made mistakes along the way, but I rarely felt like she was to be held accountable for conflict. If conflict existed, it was usually something I had or hadn't done. Or if I brought forth a concern of mine, it would either be dismissed or marginalized. In a lot of cases, she would turn it back on me and I would end up feeling like I had to apologize for something!

 

Anyway, reading more about EU, I couldn't believe how uncanny some of the posts were to what I'd gone through. She was there for sex, would go places with me, occasionally give me affection or praise, but was very hot or cold, something she had acknowledged before but never seemed to think was a problem. I think you can trace it all back to her childhood. I remember her telling me early in the relationship that from the time she could remember through early high school, she rarely felt like anyone liked her; like she was good enough for anyone. Her father had barely liked her as a child, she was called a brat, always felt like her brother was better liked, etc. In some ways, the person she is now seems almost like a persona she created to cope with the pain. She's very outgoing, flirtatious, a bit edgy. But underneath is some real pain. Pain that she has ignored and repressed.

 

I've never had a hard time being verbally affectionate, but I think I said, "I love you" maybe three times in three years, because I knew how hard it was for her to say it. I don't think I ever heard her tell her kids that even, unless they said it first.

 

After this new guy came into the picture, she and I had a talk about our personality differences. She mentioned that a guy she was interested in had once told her that he was EU and that she hadn't really understood. That was four years ago. She says she understands what he meant now, because she realizes that's her, too. But her solution was not to correct it; rather, this just meant she should probably be with someone who also has EU tendencies. I have no idea what the new guy is like in that regard. I do know that she starts out very heavy and affectionate and it's intoxicating. After a while, that starts to wane and she becomes almost complacent. I have a feeling she's going to really try harder with this guy, given the things he can potentially offer her, but I know that her emotional unavailability is still there and looming like a destructive beast.

 

So as bad as I feel about this whole thing, I can at least take some comfort in knowing that I no longer need to be in a relationship that often feels lacking in certain ways. I no longer need to feel agitated about my efforts seemingly having no positive effect on her. I know now that even with more patience, effort, and compromise, I was never going to get the balanced relationship I know I (and everyone else) deserved from her.

[blanco]

First day of NC was relatively easy. Truth is, I've gotten accustomed to not speaking with her most days since this guy came into the picture. We were going days without communication for the last couple of months, so it's almost as if I was eased into this.

 

She did send me a text this morning about something I assumed she would. A few weeks ago, I agreed to do this dad-daughter/son thing at her daughter's school; just a quick before-school activity. This morning she asked if I would do one more thing [that] before I "disappeared." She said her daughter had given her the registration form this morning and said she hoped I would come with her. Not sure how much I believe that, but since I agreed to it a while ago, I will likely do it. My response was brief and we engaged in no further conversation past that, so in my mind, I'm still on track. I will arrange it so that when I pick her up next week, I won't see or talk to my ex. That, theoretically, should be the last time I'll be called upon for something by her.

 

As I said, I'm feeling pretty good. It's only been a day, but I feel better knowing that no new information will be coming my way. I still don't know if she's going to do this Europe trip at the end of the month, and that's how I'd like to keep it. I figure it will be easier to hear about it in retrospect if it happens rather than before it happens. And I've already told close friends that I don't want any updates about her if they hear something.

 

I continue to take care of myself. I'm on Week 9 (which is when this new guy came into the picture) of my return to the gym and eating better. I'm down 29 pounds and 5 1/2 inches in the waist. Still got a ways to go before I get back to where I was physically before she and I moved in together nearly two years ago, but it no longer seems like an impossible feat. Weight training each day is one of the few things that just make sense to me right now. It feels like an honor and it helps to have something tangible to work toward.

 

I'm also giving more consideration to my emotional side. I'm reading a book about mindfulness and already finding ways to incorporate that into my life. I've spent most of my life either dwelling on the past or being anxious about the future. I'm resetting my mind to focus more on right here and now, which I hope will help me not only move past this, but add value to daily life going forward.

[blanco]

I'm starting to realize that if I had followed through with my NC the first time (nearly two months ago), I could very well be close to feeling fine with all of this. I made it eight days then, but it didn't really count, since I admittedly did the creepy "drive by their house" thing a few times during that span. At the time, though, I really didn't think it would make it more than a few weeks, which I used to justify as a reason to not completely disappear. Now that it appears to at least have the legs to make it through the summer, I'm glad I've gone this route.

 

I obviously still think about the situation, but there's also a sense of relief these last two days. We hadn't talked much even before, but now there is this sense of finality in knowing that she will likely not reach out for a while (especially after this thing next week I mentioned in the above post). A couple of months ago, this thought would have torn me apart. Now, I've more or less grown accustomed to going days without talking to her. The concept of going weeks, maybe months without doing so no longer seems implausible. Moreover, I've thought more the last couple of days about how even after we split, my efforts to help weren't much appreciated. She had this habit of singling out the one thing I did wrong and would call more attention to that than the positive thing. Example: The night I found out about this guy, I had agreed to hang at her house so she could go out with a friend of ours (which she did; the guy wasn't there). I had nothing going that night, but it was still a Saturday night I chucked aside to help her out. Any thanks? No. Instead, in the midst of telling me about this new guy after she got back, she referenced me getting annoyed with the kids before she left because they weren't listening. Mind you, she gets WAY more impatient with them than I do since I moved out.

 

Anyway, stuff like that makes me recall the phrase, "You can't mess up if you aren't around." I spent far too much time during and after the relationship thinking certain gestures and sentiments would make her happy or "impress" her. Part of that is flawed, because kind gestures should originate from a place of no expectations. But it still sucks to do something most people would appreciate and then have the person all but gloss over or outright ignore it.

 

With this time of real No Contact, I feel like it's important to become more mindful of what I've gained rather than lost here. More free time, less responsibility, less anguish about maybe disappointing someone with impossible standards. I know healing isn't linear, but I feel really optimistic already here on Day 3.

[blanco]

One of the hardest parts about letting go of a longtime partner is the sense of loss you feel past just losing a romantic partner. I don't miss feeling like I don't measure up. I don't miss feeling stressed out about not doing enough or doing it incorrectly. I don't miss feeling like I have sold myself short on life for the sake of someone else. I don't miss the wonder if I have settled for someone who I don't really connect with on a deeper level. I don't miss feeling like I'm tied down without the benefit of being with someone who values me for all that I am. But I do miss things. Or rather, the IDEA of some things.

 

Having someone to sit and talk with each night. Someone to fill your weekend dance card. Someone to share new TV shows with. Someone to dissect the stupid things on Facebook with. I miss these things, but I know what I will potentially gain will outweigh what I feel I have lost.

 

I know I feel a void still after four months, but I know I felt a void for much of three years. She is not the answer. I am. I may want some of the things I described above, but I know those are all things that can be easily replicated by a number of women who can probably also give me the things I felt were lacking in my relationship. And THAT is why I don't miss the actual relationship, but rather, just the basic idea of the relationship.

 

We're on Day 4 now, and it's tough, but I know two months of this will lead to healing that the previous two months of LC simply did not.

[blanco]

Moving on from a romantic partner really is like kicking a drug habit. I'm fully aware of the negatives and how those outweigh the positives. Yet I'm still in that phase where I often look at my phone, thinking maybe she texted me, even though she has no reason to. I expect to hear from her on Wednesday because of the father-child thing on Thursday. After that, who knows? I won't be reaching out to her. We've never gone more than a week without communication. I'm intrigued to see what happens with WEEKS and maybe even MONTHS of NC.

[blanco]

I shake my head when I think about how meaningless all of this will seem a year from now. I have kept a notebook following each breakup in my life. It's a way to vent without making an ass of myself. And they make GREAT reading material later on. I was going through the one I wrote to an ex six years ago. I cared deeply for her and I still consider her the best girlfriend I ever had. But it was interesting reading that notebook and recalling what PAIN I was in, and then feeling nothing as I read through the entries. We are good friends now and she's with someone else. I saw a photo of her with the guy and felt NOTHING. A few years ago it would've possibly made me physically sick to see that. And this was a girl I felt could be marriage material, which isn't what I can say about this current ex.

 

So I KNOW time, distance, and pursuing what makes me a better person will squash what I'm feeling now. Just gotta keep swimming.

[blanco]

Still tough, but I'm having more moments of clarity about all of this. I'm just lonely right now. I miss the idea of her and the relationship, but not either specifically. I felt alone a lot in the relationship because of her emotional unavailability. But like I said, I'm having more moments lately where I end up thinking, "So what?" I know what it's like to be with her and to be in a relationship with her. No relationship is totally one-sided in the problems that exist within, but I know that for as much as I care about her, there's not a ton of substance there.

 

Most of our conversations weren't exactly deep or profound, and while I enjoyed the company, I often felt... unfulfilled talking to her. I spent so much time thinking about the new guy and the honeymoon phase for them. But the waters will not be calm if they proceed. There are so many potential hurdles, including the four children involved, the ex-wife, the reality that this man is only recently divorced and quite possibly just looking for some companionship instead of something that will result in my ex's children having a father figure once again. But that's their journey.

 

Mine continues to evolve, slowly, but without total stagnation. My apartment is looking more like a not-crazy person lives there. My training and eating continue to go well. I'm getting back into the groove of my home business. I'm reading when I can. And I'm doing what I can to be more social, contact with old friends, and perhaps meet new ones. This whole thing is pointless if I'm to not grow in countless ways.

[blanco]

For as erratic as my thoughts on this have been, the same certainly can't be said of my re-dedication to the gym. Three years ago, I got more serious about diet and training and dropped 25 pounds over six months. This coincided with the first six months of my relationship with this girl, though the two aren't related. But I think part of why I have such fond memories of three years ago isn't just because things were new and interesting with us. I was also making big changes with my body and even my small business. So while she was definitely a part of that time, she was just an ingredient; not the whole recipe.

 

After we moved in together in August 2013, those things really started to slip away from me. Time was no longer abundant. Gym visits became more infrequent, while diet fell apart. We weren't great influences on each other. She's never ate well, but always been able to avoid much weight gain from it. I'm no so fortunate. In the 15 months we lived together, I went from hitting the gym at least four times a week to never going. I packed on an astonishing 45 pounds. I became something I hated.

 

A little over nine weeks into my re-dedication, I've dropped about 30 pounds and been regimented about my training routine. I can't imagine where I'd be without this rejuvenated passion for health. I don't want to think about it.

[blanco]

Feeling angry today. The last time we communicated, I made the mistake of questioning how she could handle getting serious with this guy eventually given that he travels a lot for work and also has to be with his daughters half of the time. I questioned this because one of her biggest complaints against me while we were together was that I was not present enough. Physically I was there, but she would get annoyed with me if she was sitting with the kids on the couch while they watched TV and I was elsewhere in the apartment, either working (I am self-employed) or just doing something else.

 

She responded that it was different because it was my choice to not be a part of their routines, where as this guy would be gone because of his job. Never mind that I was working a lot of the time I wasn't sitting right next to all of them. It's just that I don't think she ever really respected my job, so to her, it didn't really matter if I was working or not. With this guy, she would potentially benefit from it because she could possibly tag along on his business trips, which she mentioned in her response, as well.

 

Whether she meant it or not, the response just made her look like she would be OK with the double standard because she would reap rewards from one situation but not the other. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. I always felt she didn't quite respect much about me, so it's better not to be with a person like that. The petty side of me, though, just hates how she's latched onto someone new so quickly and has found a way to justify all the potential downsides. I understand the relationship is new and people aren't thinking rationally at this point. But it's grating, and makes me glad I'm distancing myself from this person.

[blanco]

Well, my last obligation to the kids was this morning. I wasn't looking forward to it at all, but I'm glad I did it. The girl and I had a lovely time and it felt like a sweet, if not emotional way to close things for now. Time to really put the majority of my focus on me now. I'll never forget what those kids meant to me or how they shaped who I am or what I know I want now, even though they will no longer physically be part of my life.

[blanco]

I've already lost track of the day count for NC. She texted me a short video of the boy getting the hang of riding his bike without training wheels. I responded with a smiling emoticon, and then nothing else when she sent another text. So I guess in a sense, it'll be more like very LC. I won't outright ignore her if she texts little updates about the kids, but I won't engage her in further conversation.

 

Sometimes I wonder if she thinks I'll crack about my decision not to see the kids for a long while. But then I remind myself that the decision wasn't rooted in malice to make her wonder or "pay." It's for my own benefit; to help me move on after making such little progress in two month's time.

[AmelieM]

Well, my last obligation to the kids was this morning. I wasn't looking forward to it at all, but I'm glad I did it. The girl and I had a lovely time and it felt like a sweet, if not emotional way to close things for now. Time to really put the majority of my focus on me now. I'll never forget what those kids meant to me or how they shaped who I am or what I know I want now, even though they will no longer physically be part of my life.

 

This is very well put, Blanco. I know it's not at all the same, but one of the things I miss most about my ex was the relationship I'd developed with his family, including his little niece and nephew. And I feel exactly the same - they really shaped what I know I want in the future, and who I want to be. I am thankful I got to be a part of their lives. I'd really grown to love those kids, so it's very difficult knowing I will no longer be a part of their lives, permanently. It's heartbreak upon heartbreak, really. But you've put it very beautifully - they shaped who we are, and that imprint lasts forever.

[blanco]

It's funny how that happens, isn't it? Before we met in late 2011, I was on this real cynical, "Marriage is stupid, and I don't want kids" kick, which stemmed from a sudden breakup two years prior with a girl I saw myself marrying. My ex was the first girl since the previous ex who REALLY caught my attention; I found her intoxicating. I was aware of the "baggage," including the two kids, the deadbeat baby daddy, etc. But I was so entranced by her that I couldn't help but wait it out and make my move.

 

I recall thinking even after we started dating that I didn't want anything more than a casual relationship. I didn't even particularly want to meet her kids. About a month after we started dating, she posted some photos from her son's first birthday. The amount of LIFE and CHARACTER in his face in some of the photos just caught me completely off-guard and within weeks, I asked if I could meet him. He was a really infectious little guy. I remember the first time I met him she had brought him out of his room from nap time. She carried him into the room and he just sort of looked at me without my reaction. Then she set him down and went to get something. He just stood there looking at me, finally breaking the silence with a big smile and laugh. I drove home that night and thought, "Holy crap, I think I might want kids after all."

 

As time wore on, he became the best part of my day; offsetting how high-strung and bratty his sister often was; cancelling out how detached and critical his mother often was.

 

I don't really miss my ex. Maybe the idea of her and what she once represented to me. But, yes, I will certainly miss the kids who I didn't even want to meet all those years ago.

[blanco]

I've had some periods today of feeling lonely, but it's less about her and just loneliness in general. I'm keeping busy, but I feel a little isolated on this holiday weekend because my usual go-to people are all busy or unavailable the entire weekend. So I've spent most of yesterday and today decluttering my apartment, which was long over-due to be honest.

 

At least I'm to a point where I can identify that my feeling of being lonely isn't from missing her specifically, but just human interaction in general. Which is a good thing.

[blanco]

I hate to squander time, but I'm ready for the holiday weekend to be over. I feel so isolated that I just drove around aimlessly this evening. Good news is that I don't feel agony or anything, just standard desire for human contact.

[blanco]

As I got into the hazy pre-sleep phase while laying in bed last night, I had this euphoric sequence of thoughts about my ex. "Who cares? I really don't care what she does." I know it was mostly because I was moments from falling asleep, but it was such a serene feeling that I find myself craving that more than usual today.

[blanco]

Back to the gym today and it was just a reminder how much that activity has saved me during this transitional time. As I left the gym, the sun beaming down on me, a calm breeze moving past me, my arms and shoulders "pumped" to capacity, I just had this wonderful feeling rush through me. I actually said out loud, "This is how life should be."

 

One day at a time.

[blanco]

Been struggling to keep out of my head the last couple of days. I don't know if the ex is going to meet up with the new guy in Europe, but if she is, it would be happening some time in the next week or so. I know it really doesn't matter either way, but there's part of me that just doesn't want her to do it. One thing I always admired about her was that despite not being motherly, she didn't want to go a day without seeing her kids. She saw them every day of their lives up until a couple of months ago when the guy came into the picture. She's since sent them away to the grandparent's place for a weekend a couple of times. I know a free trip to Europe is an alluring prize, but I just feel bad for those kids potentially not seeing their mother for what would probably be at least four or five days.

 

But like I said, it doesn't really matter, at least, not with regards to my life. Gonna meet up with some friends in a bit and take my mind off of it.

[blanco]

I'm trying not to talk so much about this with people I know. I'm also trying to do less writing about it. Thinking about it remains difficult, but the more I dig, the more I realize that what's made this so hard for me is that I'm still craving her validation. I've never been the needy type in a relationship until this one. Her hot and cold way of life kept me off-balance, and I found myself seeking her validation. That she seemed less pleased with me as time went on only made it more frustrating and my need for her approval a priority of mine.

 

But I must step back and remind myself that just because she didn't see the full value of what I was doing for her and her children doesn't mean I need to shortchange myself. Being with an emotionally spotty person is a challenge and something I will try to avoid from this point on. It's just not worth the stress when even healthy relationships can take so much effort.

 

I'm realizing that her moving on to someone else is just reaffirming my belief that she didn't see my true value. I know that it means I'm better off without her. And I know that it's my own suspect self-confidence that's making me take this new relationship more personally than I should. Him being successful, wealthy, and a man of the world doesn't make ME any less of a person. Either he will be exposed to her true self eventually or she herself will start to feel detached after the novelty of the relationship disappears. Either way, my mission doesn't change. I must continue to focus on myself and where I want to take my life.

 

It can be intimidating to feel at 30 that you must reshape basically your entire life. But I don't have the constraints that many of my peers do. My life can truly be what I want it to be with enough effort and focus on my part. I know I will come through this a better person. Still, these weeks and now months of being consumed by these events are proving to be some of the toughest of my life.

[faraday]

I started to heal the fastest when I stopped talking about him and stopped thinking about him. I would push the thoughts down...if I thought about him, I would think, "no, he's not my "the one", there's someone better for me." It didn't take long for me to get in a good place.

 

You're doing good

 

I started over at 30 too...and made a journal on here at that time. A lot can change in a year...let it change. Embrace it.

 

Good luck

[blanco]

Yeah, I've reached a point where I'm basically just rehashing the subject if I talk about her, since I've been strict NC for nearly two weeks and LC for three. Not thinking about her is really tough, but when I do, I am trying to be mature about it. Instead of feeling bitter or angry when I think about what happened, I'm trying to forgive her and accept that her moving on quickly to a new guy is not about me. It's how she processes breakups and she's been like that her entire adult life. She's at once emotionally unavailable, but clearly not comfortable being single or available for too long. That's all on her, not me. She's enjoying a nice honeymoon phase right now, but there will be real challenges ahead for them if they continue to get more serious. And I suspect that despite his money, great job, and impressive lifestyle, she won't be able to cover her tendency to drift emotionally as a relationship progresses.

 

I realized a couple days ago that I feel almost intimidated by how much free time I have. I'm self-employed and now that I've been "free" of the family life for a few months, I've had more time each day to spend as I please than just about anyone I know. I understand that the more structure I add to my days, or at least, the more activities and endeavors I add to my days, the more I'll feel energized and less saddled by this whole thing. Right now, I do my work, hit the gym, and that's about it. It's totally a first world problem to say I've got too much free time. I often lamented how little time I had while I was living with the ex and her kids. Well, no more. And subsequently, no excuses not to be trying and engaging in old hobbies and new interests as I see fit.

[blanco]

Today was my 12th weekly weigh-in. Down 32 pounds and 6.5" in the waist since 3/18. Still work to be done, but it feels incredible to know that it's only been three months since I started this journey. The weight room has been my sanctuary for the last three months and I shudder to think where I would be had I not made my return there.