Confessed feelings for crush; she returned the favor. Just broke-up with her bf

[Aeropro]

Hey guys,

 

A co-worker and I had become very very close over the course of the last three months or so which lead us to texting outside of work. Our bond grew and grew and, long story short, I ended up leaving the job to pursue another career opportunity. Choosing to do this was hard because I really felt that I could have been passing up a great opportunity at being with someone I feel 100% compatible with. She ended up sending me a long text after I left saying she thought I was a super sweet and nice guy and wanted to keep in touch. I vaguely confessed my feelings for her by saying that I respected her relationship with her bf, but if anything were to happen that I would like to take her out some time. She said that was sweet, thanked me, and I thought that was that.

 

The next morning she initiated a text. Then the morning after. Before long, we were texting everyday. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and I confessed my feelings for her and told her that I can't keep communicating with her the way we were unless the opportunity rose to take a leap of faith with her. I told her that she if she isn't 100% happy with her boyfriend and feels something for me, then she should end it with him, take some time to heal, and then reach out to me. The only problem is... we had talked on the phone, texted, etc so much that it's hard for each of us not to do that anymore. She sent me a huge long text explaining to me that she isn't 100% happy, she has felt like an idiot for awhile because she knows she has been 'that girl' who isn't happy but is scared to leave someone due to history. She doesn't fear being alone, just pressing the reset button. I had just gotten over a huge break-up myself 8 months ago and told her that I understand exactly where she is coming from. She told me she can't promise me anything, but that if she did pursue a relationship with me she wanted to ensure me that she isn't the type to hop around. She didn't expect me to express my feelings for her and when I did it got her to thinking.

 

Anyway, we still texted playfully and a lot of the things I would say she would drop strong hints that she wanted to pursue something with me. For example, "That would be so fun! Promise to take me?". Finally, two days ago after texting, she let me know she ended things with her boyfriend. I sent her a text saying how hard I know it is for her, how sorry I am that she is going through such pain currently, and that I could be there for her if she needed any advice or support since I had just went through something like that. She thanked me so much and we have still kept our communication channels open.

 

Yesterday was the pivotal day that I learned something and learned that this process can either start a very strong foundation for a relationship with her or a very weak one. We had agreed to get lunch since we hadn't seen each other for a week and a half since I left my old job, but she dropped hints throughout the day that it might not work because she was having a rough day. She eventually told me that she felt it wasn't fair to me to see me because she had just broken up with her bf and needed time to accept things. She said it will take her time to accept things were over, and that it wouldn't be a realistic expectation for me to have for her to instantly dump her bf and then take a shot with me the next day. She is exactly right. I was internally nervous at first and scared because of how vulnerable I felt... she knows I feel strongly for her. She knows I want to date her. What if she goes back to him? What if she goes to some other guy during this phase? It is so, so scary. But, I accept where she is because I know where she is at this stage. In fact, I am very proud of the fact that she KNOWS she needs time to herself in order for our relationship, if we were to get to that stage, were to blossom. What a girl, I swear.

 

I'm just not sure how I should approach this now. I asked her if she needs space or if she wants to keep communication open or what she preferred because I don't want to seem over-anxious/pressuring and I also don't want her to think I'm blowing her off and impatient. She had told me that she wants to keep talking to me and keep communication as it was until she feels ready to see me. This is how I would prefer it too... I am starting a new job today and will be busy the next few weeks... but I am just scared. I am so so scared of her going back to her boyfriend because she hasn't actually seen me in a few weeks. I just don't have an leverage other than texts. I truly like this girl a lot... I haven't felt this way about someone in my entire life, and she had told me something similarly. We have a lot in common and I feel she could be the one for me. I just don't want to ruin things.

 

Thank you so much guys. Wish me luck.

[greta96]

This is a bit odd...if she ended things with her boyfriend to be with you, why not go out with you? It's not like she would need to commit forever, or become sexually involved right off the bat, but I fail to see what's keeping her from spending time with you, even platonically at first, when she is the one who broke up with him in order to pursue someone else.

Could it be that her boyfriend saw the texts you two were exchanging and gave her the boot, which is not what she wanted? This would explain her reluctance to spend time with you, if she wants to win him back. And if that doesn't work, she still has you waiting in the shadows.

Or, she is just faking it in order to save face, because she doesn't want to look as if she is jumping from a relationship to another (which she even told you in so many words), for fear you wouldn't trust her when you two are in a relationship. She wants to seem as if she does the right thing, by first mourning her previous relationship, so you don't worry about her doing to you what she did to him with you.

 

Something is fishy here, but if you really want to date this woman, you better keep your eyes wide open and proceed with caution.

[chickadeedee]

Just focus on your new job for the next couple months. If she's 'not ready' after a couple months, then you need to re-think whether she really wants to date you or not, or may have decided she really does want her BF rather than you after all.

[Swanseagirl]

I would just keep doing what you are doing it sounds to me like she likes you back hence breaking up with her boyf

[charity]

Even though the relationship wasn't working she clearly had feelings for him and they can't go away immediately. She has to come to terms with the fact that it is over. I believe she doesn't want to disrespect him or herself by moving on immediately with someone else. You should focus on your new job and maybe in a couple of months ask her out.

[SpottiOtti]

Yeah, just keep doing your thing and give her lots of space. Let her miss you. Also, don't become her emotional tampon for processing her feelings about the breakup; that isn't a great way to start a relationship either.

[alli]

Anytime I have broken up with someone I have needed a period of time to get my act together. Even though I was the one that wanted to break up I was in no shape to go out with someone else the next day. Breaking up felt like the right thing to do and I knew I was making the right decision, but it was still very emotional. It's a big life change to get used to. And the realization that all of the things you thought you might do in the future with your former partner you know will never happen now.

 

At the same time, I've also found you bounce back much quicker as the dumper than the dumpee. She might even be fine in a few weeks.

 

I also agree with SpottiOtti. She probably needs someone to talk to about the breakup but that person should not be you.

[Unreasonable]

I really, really hope she left him because she wasn't happy in the relationship, and not because of you. That is not a good foundation for a relationship. Honestly I think it was pretty uncool what you guys did while she was still in a relationship. You were basically having an emotional affair, which could have colored her relationship.

 

Let's say you eventually get together. Do you really want to be with someone with a history of reaching out to other men when things start going south?

[shessofly]

I really, really hope she left him because she wasn't happy in the relationship, and not because of you. That is not a good foundation for a relationship. Honestly I think it was pretty uncool what you guys did while she was still in a relationship. You were basically having an emotional affair, which could have colored her relationship.

 

Let's say you eventually get together. Do you really want to be with someone with a history of reaching out to other men when things start going south?

 

i wonder this too? if you do end up together how will you handle it when she starts communicating with male "friends" via text, email, facebook, etc? how will you trust her since you started out this way? that is what i would be concerned about if i were you.

[tattoobunnie]

So, you're the emotional crutch until she heals? Eh. If she did need time to process, it means, she really didn't check out long ago. You may have instigated the break-up, but were not the reason why they broke up.