Insane Chemistry then Text Limbo

[LoveSoDeep]

I know you said you deleted his contact info but really....why so soon?

 

You sent him a text Sunday right? When he was either skiing or trying to get home or dead tired from said skiing or traveling. Give him a break. Would it be nice if the first thing he thought of when he got back was seeing you.....well of course it would, but after 2 dates that can't be expected. If it were me I would have waited a day for him to recover from the trip then sent another quick text. If he ignored that one, then I would delete him and move on.

 

What dating site was it that he logged on to? Is this how you met him....you can't really expect after 2 dates he'd abandon it completely. If it was Tinder I swear some people see that as a game, they open it when they bored and just "swipe, swipe,swipe."

[fifregister]

It's an app called "Happen" and I don't usually login and hate checking up on him but it sorta confirmed my doubts. 24 hours doesn't seem that long but it's certainly enough time to respond if you're interested.

 

Thanks for understanding, I just feel so terribly disappointed and almost embarrassed that I can still get so crushed easily. I realize that there's a 10% chance that I shouldn't throw in the towel but the reason why I'm acting like this is because I KNOW the bad signs the moment I sniff it. The dating whirlpool of Manhattan means that signs come up much more quickly. It also brings back past insecurities. Usually after a second reach-out, they will say something like "oh yeah this week is very hectic..."

 

He mentioned on our second date that he might be getting laid off of work so I understand that timing isn't ideal.

 

I'm just getting a taste of my own medicine because distancing behavior is how I shrug off others when I lose interest. I totally get it. It's just part of dating and it's terrible when you're on the receiving end of rejection. I was supposed to go with him snowboarding too, so I feel like I messed up somehow even though I know things don't work like that.

[Batya33]

He didn't reject you - he declined to ask you out again for whatever reason -maybe he met someone on the ski trip. It is part of dating and I did most of my dating in a major city like NYC. You shouldn't throw in the towel; rather, have a great time on each date on which you feel spark/interest, and if there is no time/place plan for a next date then unless things change there is no next date. At that point the person should be totally off the radar -no towels, not even a washcloth. Once you're steadily dating then sure you sort of understand you two have plans in the not too distant future. But those early dates -one date at a time.

[LoveSoDeep]

I'm sure dating in NYC is a totally different animal....but do be careful that you aren't building self-fulfilling prophecies.

 

When you really like someone (like you do this guy) you become invested very soon....I do too....what I never realized until recently was that I never cared if it was obvious that I was that excited....well that was a mistake. If you are way more into a guy and he's taking it slow then he's going to feel smothered or that he can't give you what you want. Even if it's not that obvious how you feel, I think guys (well people not just guys) can sense it...they can sense the anxiety you feel about whether they will call or not because you like them so much. Its so hard but you have to let one great date be just that.....a great date and not create expectations or daydreams from it.

 

I think this constant contact between dates that texting has created has made caused us to feel more connected to others than we really should. It also causes more anxiety because we know people have their phones all the time and we think "he could text me but her hasn't" it's been 2 dates there's no way you know his real phone habits yet. By throwing in the towel already you're putting negative energy into this....and I believe you reap what you sow. Be careful not to doom your relationships too early out of fear.

[fifregister]

He didn't reject you - he declined to ask you out again for whatever reason -maybe he met someone on the ski trip. It is part of dating and I did most of my dating in a major city like NYC. You shouldn't throw in the towel; rather, have a great time on each date on which you feel spark/interest, and if there is no time/place plan for a next date then unless things change there is no next date. At that point the person should be totally off the radar -no towels, not even a washcloth. Once you're steadily dating then sure you sort of understand you two have plans in the not too distant future. But those early dates -one date at a time.

 

Yeah...I just got my hopes up very soon because of the great times we had. Even after 5-6 dates things can just dissipate. I've been there done that, on either side of the table.

 

I just can't get rid of this lump in my throat even though the logical conclusion is that it's too early on, you can't get too excited about someone too soon, etc. But sometimes the potential and the great dates make you hope...just MAYBE this one is special. And then crushing let-down.

[Batya33]

Yeah...I just got my hopes up very soon because of the great times we had. Even after 5-6 dates things can just dissipate. I've been there done that, on either side of the table.

 

I just can't get rid of this lump in my throat even though the logical conclusion is that it's too early on, you can't get too excited about someone too soon, etc. But sometimes the potential and the great dates make you hope...just MAYBE this one is special. And then crushing let-down.

 

It doesn't "make you". You choose. Every single time. Make a different choice if your goal is eventual marriage. I was in the dating scene for 25 years and did many first meets through on line, personal ads and many blind dates. As well as all the other ways I met people -hundreds over that time. One thing I had going for me -I didn't let myself get jaded or bitter and if I did it was for a few hours or one night, tops. That way when I met new people I started fresh, gave a positive first impression. Great chemistry/stuff in common doesn't make it "special" because you are feeling that with a near stranger. If you've been dating 4-6 months regularly, and you're serious, then you can start to consider whether this one has long term potential. JMHO.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm with you on this one, I would be sad/annoyed too. I get it that it's only been 2 dates, and that he was away for a fun weekend, but he DID find the time to log in to that app - and that app is a dating app, not just Facebook or Twitter. If he had the time to log into the dating site (Tinder I assume?), then he surely would have had time to message you too.

 

I can't help but feel troubled that modern dating seems to view technology as a leash. I wasn't even Facebook friends with my fiance until we were engaged.

 

People are too impatient these days. Let longing be longing. Feel excitement and butterflies. Help keeps things exciting even after a few years.

 

Don't turn attraction and excitement into insecurity and anger. Relax! It's just a few dates and you had fun. You could be out having fun on another date and not worrying about him.

[Batya33]

I would be sad/annoyed but I would not allow myself to react to "crushed" because I had to dust myself off and get right back out there.

[fifregister]

I would be sad/annoyed but I would not allow myself to react to "crushed" because I had to dust myself off and get right back out there.

 

I'm trying not to "allow" myself to feel super crushed but feelings just come. All of a sudden, past hurt feelings from previous (actual relationship) breakups surfaced.

 

I'm getting flashbacks to the depression I felt when my ex and I broke up in 2012. It's like deja vu pain. Really weird that this can happen. I know I'm projecting too much onto one person but strange how dating and trying to connect with an individual romantically can put us in such a vulnerable state.

[Batya33]

I never once suggested you should not feel as you feel. I am suggesting- strongly- that you work on the reactions to how you feel if your goal is an eventual long term, healthy relationship. If you felt angry feelings overcome you about a stranger would you react by punching her in the face? Of course not.

 

It's not about trying, but doing. When the feeling overcomes you have tools at your disposal to change the reaction from "crushed" the feelings going to the periphery of your mind if not off the radar all together. Some of the ways I do that - breathing techniques, distracting activities, exercise, getting some space.

[fifregister]

Sooo....ummm...he just texted back saying sorry he didn't get back to me sooner; he was dealing with some personal stuff and didn't have the bandwidth. Hopes I have a good start to the week.

 

Not sure what to think/respond now. Usually when someone says "It's not personal" or "I've been dealing with stuff" it IS NOT a good sign. I guess I should just tell him I hope things are ok and let me know if he wants to hang out and chat?

[Batya33]

Sooo....ummm...he just texted back saying sorry he didn't get back to me sooner; he was dealing with some personal stuff and didn't have the bandwidth. Hopes I have a good start to the week.

 

Not sure what to think/respond now. Usually when someone says "It's not personal" or "I've been dealing with stuff" it IS NOT a good sign. I guess I should just tell him I hope things are ok and let me know if he wants to hang out and chat?

 

I think his text was perfectly reasonable. I would respond "great to hear from you and hope all is well -look forward to seeing you soon"

[LoveSoDeep]

Sooo....ummm...he just texted back saying sorry he didn't get back to me sooner; he was dealing with some personal stuff and didn't have the bandwidth. Hopes I have a good start to the week.

 

Not sure what to think/respond now. Usually when someone says "It's not personal" or "I've been dealing with stuff" it IS NOT a good sign. I guess I should just tell him I hope things are ok and let me know if he wants to hang out and chat?

 

Dealing with personal stuff could be anything from a sick pet, to a nosy family member to issues at work.

 

Give the poor guy a chance to explain, if he wants it.

 

Personally, after 2 dates with a guy if I had sort of plans to get together once he returned from this trip I would thank him for responding (better late than never) and say now that he's back I'm free on this evening or this evening if he still wanted to try to get together.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm getting flashbacks to the depression I felt when my ex and I broke up in 2012. It's like deja vu pain. Really weird that this can happen. I know I'm projecting too much onto one person but strange how dating and trying to connect with an individual romantically can put us in such a vulnerable state.

 

I think you should reflect more on why this is hitting you that hard.

[JA0371]

Hmmm....interesting. First you were upset that he wasn't texting you at all.....then after he did, you are still not satisfied, and it seems you are trying you talk yourself into NOT believing his reasons. That's a self fullfilling prophecy waiting to happen. Maybe you should adjust your expectations of others.....at least in the beginning. The truth is, this guy owes you nothing. You're NOT in a relationship with him. You've seen him a couple of times. Even if you felt chemistry, feelings are very fluid from day to day. Maybe he truly IS being honest. Believing the best in someone sometimes actually brings OUT the best in them. Having negative thoughts about someone based on someone else's past actions is truly unfair. If this guy could read your mind right now, he would probably run for the hills.

 

Relax. Chill out.....and just enjoy the ride.

[Sportster2005]

I can't help but feel troubled that modern dating seems to view technology as a leash. I wasn't even Facebook friends with my fiance until we were engaged.

 

People are too impatient these days. Let longing be longing. Feel excitement and butterflies. Help keeps things exciting even after a few years.

 

Don't turn attraction and excitement into insecurity and anger. Relax! It's just a few dates and you had fun. You could be out having fun on another date and not worrying about him.

 

Eloquent and beautiful post Ms Darcy

[fifregister]

Hmmm....interesting. First you were upset that he wasn't texting you at all.....then after he did, you are still not satisfied, and it seems you are trying you talk yourself into NOT believing his reasons. That's a self fullfilling prophecy waiting to happen. Maybe you should adjust your expectations of others.....at least in the beginning. The truth is, this guy owes you nothing. You're NOT in a relationship with him. You've seen him a couple of times. Even if you felt chemistry, feelings are very fluid from day to day. Maybe he truly IS being honest. Believing the best in someone sometimes actually brings OUT the best in them. Having negative thoughts about someone based on someone else's past actions is truly unfair. If this guy could read your mind right now, he would probably run for the hills.

 

Relax. Chill out.....and just enjoy the ride.

 

Bahahahahah. Yes if anybody could read ANYONE'S mind, wouldn't they run for the hills? This is why I promote my neurosis on this site and not through my actual interactions with potential victims...um errrr ahem...I mean dates.

 

Yes I do have a tendency to try to buffer myself with negative thinking. I have trouble believing people not because I think they are bad or they are lying but because I feel that in casual dating, people's first impulses are to be vague. I'll have a think before responding.

[greta96]

While I don't buy into his "personal issues" excuse, because obviously those personal issues didn't prevent him from logging into that dating app instead of replying to your text which would have taken him like 2 minutes (but he doesn't know that you saw that he logged in lol), the cold fact is that it is just the very beginning, and like a few posters said, he is probably still dating around.

With that in mind, yes, reply with a light hearted message, implying that you're open to going out again, and take it from there.

Just take it one day at a time, and try not to get ahead of yourself, you sound like you are more invested in this than he is, so let him catch up with you first, and only then you take the next step.

[fifregister]

@greta96 I wholeheartedly agree. The cold fact is that despite chasing me and going through the motions of what appeared to be keen interest, somehow something dropped off between then and now. I sent back a friendly text saying no worries, and that I hope everything's ok and hopefully I'll see him before too long. Not holding my breath.

 

It's the absolute WORST part of dating; findind someone you like and believing that hey, this might lead to something good, and having it fade out as a waste of time just like the rest.

 

I really didn't want to get my hopes up but I also don't want to approach dating with cynicism and a jaded attitude like so many New Yorkers. Who starts friendships thinking "oh yeah it's early, they might not be my friend much longer"?

[Batya33]

No jaded attitude needed - just a positive attitude where you tell yourself as many times as it takes:

 

If there is no time/place plan for the next date, that was the last date - and it was fun, I will enjoy the memories of the za za zoom (a la Sex and the City).

No getting carried away until you've been dating regularly for at least 2-3 months and even then you don't get carried away- but if you're dating regularly and have an understanding that you're going to see each other once a week or so then yes it's reasonable to expect that he's not going to just go MIA. I would even say after 4-5 dates over a month's time no one should go MIA.

 

Choose to have your head in the clouds but your feet on the ground so that you proceed at a reasonable pace -not these hopes based on meeting a near stranger twice.

 

It's not a waste of time and be careful if someone is "chasing" you from the beginning - no one should chase - sometimes that works out great, more often the chasing has nothing to do with interest in the actual person who they barely know -it's more about the thrill of the chase.

 

Starting a friendship is an interesting analogy - I don't agree with the negative 'they might not be my friend much longer" I do agree with the positive 'she seems like a cool person! I'm going to enjoy getting to know her and even though it feels like I've known her my whole life I'll be careful not to overshare so that I don't overwhelm her and so I don't make myself overly vulnerable to someone who is right now just an acquaintance.

 

It's about realism not negativity.

 

I found dating really really hard especially when we had that insane chemistry. A huge reason I was able to become the right person to find the right person was because I dated in a city a lot like yours and chose not to get jaded or negative. Ironically I was totally burnt out when I met my now husband for a friendly catch up dinner after not having seen him really for years (my ex) and was so happy to be with someone who would not ask me about my dating/single life in my late 30s.

[Fixee]

His reply was underwhelming. He said he was dealing with stuff, but that stuff was not so imperative that it kept him off dating apps. He also said have a good week without proposing to get together any time in the future. I know if I were interested in someone, I would *always* end with a proposal to either meet or set a time to touch-base again to arrange a meeting.

 

You're allowed to be neurotic about this if that's how you feel. Denying your feelings isn't helpful. But you do have the choice not to wallow in it too long if you can keep yourself distracted with other things (friends, activities, exercise).

 

Personally, I think this guy is lucky. I doubt I've ever had someone go ga-ga over me in my life. Incredibly flattering...

[fifregister]

Ah yes....I can see the writing on the wall before the paint even dries. Some say it's jumping to conclusions. Some say it's experience and caution. I understand that it was starting to be a fade out. Just freaked out over disappointment that's all =(

 

Many have pointed out that he's essentially a stranger so my enthusiams has 1/2 to do with the man, and 1/2 to do with my picking up good aspects of his personality (kindness, warmth, punctuality, etc.) and grandeurizing it to fit into my future fantasy.

 

@Fixee you never know if someone went gaga over you like this or not. Not everything is apparent in dating =)

[Dcgent]

I would recommend you continue to go on other dates in the meantime. Stop obsessing over this man or any man and focus on yourself and having a good time. You are potentially letting your soul mate pass you by as you obsess over this guy. You may have scared him off from being obsessive since the beginning.

[relevart]

You may have scared him off from being obsessive since the beginning.

I wondered about this, too, if the behaviour she exhibited in this thread was coming off in person and scared the dude away.

[Misskitty16]

Fif, I am glad you heard back from him, even if it was short. If there was no interest, you would not have heard from him at all.

 

I just want to say that I understand. I fell for someone after only two dates, as well. Mad chemistry, everything in common, etc - then he fell off the radar never to be heard from again (but I see him pop up on POF). I was very depressed about it, because like you, I don't often meet guys I am that interested in. My point is, sure, it would be easy if we dated hundreds of men and felt this way every day - but we don't. You had stated you rarely meet someone that you feel that excited about, so it makes it harder. I do agree with the other posters that this can be very detrimental - but I am just saying that I understand that for some of us this is easier said than done (detachment). ((hugs))