Insane Chemistry then Text Limbo

[missmarple]

I think the message is too much. I'd just write "hey there, I just found out my phone was acting dumb and I wasn't receiving texts, so if I missed you, sorry! Hope all is well.

 

Yep, that's exactly what I'd write, too.

[fifregister]

Still debating. Yes I'm clearly overthinking this, but I like to be a bit thorough. Put down pros and cons, all weigh the same. Help?

 

PROS:

1. Nothing to lose, except a tiny bit of pride (ok fine, a lot of pride) to a random stranger

2. I really do like this guy

3. A few of my friends ran into us on our second date. They all agreed "That is super strange. He seemed sooooo into you. He couldn't take his eyes off of you the whole night"

4. At the end of our second date he said "see you real soon" and "You're so pretty and fun"

 

CONS:

1. If he was in fact still interested, my last message to him was "Hope to see you before too long. xo" If he sent something that I missed, I think it was clear I want to see him again, so any rational being would've followed up?

2. His last message was vague and not overly enthused ("Hope you had a good weekend." "I've been dealing with drama, nothing personal." "Hope your week is starting well.)

3. The chance of him choosing not to respond is a LOT MORE LIKELY than the chance of him not receiving my last message

4. In the case that he chose to move on, I don't really want to make him feel bad about me reaching out. In the past guys I've let go would say something and I felt like it was a guilt-trip.

[mhowe]

Its wed...leave it to tomorrow night and if you haven't heard from him...move on. Meanwhile, stop and grab some sushi with abff to take your mind off tonight.

[flowergrl80]

So, has he text you or call you yet???

[fifregister]

Its wed...leave it to tomorrow night and if you haven't heard from him...move on. Meanwhile, stop and grab some sushi with abff to take your mind off tonight.

 

I have a date tonight but I will suggest sushi =)

[mhowe]

You seem to have no lack of dates. Has it occurred to you the same may be the case for him?

[fifregister]

You seem to have no lack of dates. Has it occurred to you the same may be the case for him?

 

Of course. He seems to be a great catch so I would be surprised if he didn't.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with you, mostly, which is why I have learned not to attempt to communicate anything important over text. My current guy and I talk enough in person that our texts are just "hey, how's your day?" type of stuff -- nothing more at this point. I'm actually planning to ask him tonight if he prefers checking in with phone calls instead. I think I already know the answer, though.

 

I would never, ever talk about anything important over text. No talk about deep feelings, no sorting out of differences, no attempts to resolve conflicts. Those things absolutely need to be done in person. And, texting all day long? Nope. I exchange a few texts per day with new guy -- the rest of our conversation takes place in person. As we have only been dating for two months, and haven't had any arguments or conflicts whatsoever, it hasn't been an issue, but I can guarantee if I have any real issues with him, I will address them in person, because, as you said, emotions -- and other things -- are not adequately conveyed over text messages. As a writer myself -- and a teacher of writing and literature -- I don't entirely agree that emotion can't be conveyed in writing, but I would concur that MOST people can't do it even adequately, let alone effectively.

[Sportster2005]

I don't entirely agree that emotion can't be conveyed in writing, but I would concur that MOST people can't do it even adequately, let alone effectively.

 

I agree it can be done in writing. I will go on a limb here and suggest there's a world of difference between texting and writing. Maybe I'm splitting hairs. It seems to me texting should be for very short instructional type of messages. "pick up bread on the way home". Or harmless positive nudges. "Thinking of you". And for sending dirty pictures. But that's it.

[Misskitty16]

Fif, I hope your date went well :subdued:

[fifregister]

Fif, I hope your date went well

 

It didn't happen because we both had to work late but we moved it to Friday and I have another one on Saturday. And Sunday.

 

Onwards and upwards =)

 

I did shoot Guy a message on the dating app verbatim to what everyone suggested. Kept it short and simple. Now I can truly fuuuuuhgetabout it =)

 

You guys are the best, seriously.

 

This is why I always go back to the forum when I become a whiny, insecure, obsessive, crazy person. F dating! Funny that that's the only side of me that really gets the internet footprint on here. Therapists must think everyone in this world is nuts.

[Misskitty16]

Wow, I am glad to see you are dating so much! That is awesome....

 

When did you send Guy that message?

[fifregister]

Wow, I am glad to see you are dating so much! That is awesome....

 

When did you send Guy that message?

 

I sent Guy the message this morning but haven't logged back in. Been so long I've already forgotten haha. The key to getting over things is a bad memory I guess.

[Dcgent]

So did he ever respond or are you writing a new chapter in your book of life?

[fifregister]

Nope, Guy did not respond and I'm not really taking it personally anymore. Chalking it up to another extremely frustrating, disappointing, crappy, sucky, but short-lived stumbling block.

 

My friend put it well very early on "Move on. How many hearts have you broken along the way?" Often we only reflect on those who disappoint us, and don't think about all the other cool, nice, intelligent, good-looking people we dropped that had nothing to do with who they were but had everything to do with ourselves.

 

I'm happy that experiences like this puts my misanthropic self in touch with a little bit of humility and appreciation that even kind random strangers will answer the distress call of a (temporarily) broken heart.

[Batya33]

I hope you get to the point where that situation doesn't trigger a reaction in you like "broken heart" or "extremely frustrating".

[Sarah691607309662]

I am 100% confident that your initial gut feeling when he started radio silence nailed it. It is a law - when a guy misses a bit in initial whirlpool dance of attraction - he is history. It is true - there are ways to revive a man and bring him back into a dance. But since this moment r/s will stop being about attraction and will become a game of control and power.

[Batya33]

Pick me -I have an exception. My husband didn't get in touch with me for over a week in the beginning - but, we hadn't yet had a real date -we had gone out twice platonically and we e-mailed once or twice within a day or two after and then.....silence. Since we had dated in the past and I knew him well I broke my own rule and I think in that week I contacted him 3 times by e-mail -twice with some silly article that referenced our past discussions and the third time with the excuse that I would have called but I was numb from the dentist (true about the dentist, but of course I could have called) and asked him if he was upset with me. I knew he was leaving town in a few weeks. He replied immediately - and asked me to get together the following week (i.e .his first available day) - turns out he was dealing with some personal stuff. That next get together was when he asked me to get back together with him.

 

Had we been actually dating when he went silent I might have had a very different reaction to the silence. But there you have it. Never became a game in any sense -from that day forward we were exclusively dating to see if we should eventually marry.

 

So yes typically I agree that silence is a negative and typically the end especially in the beginning but definitely give the one more chance if the guy resurfaces with enthusiasm.

[Misskitty16]

I am 100% confident that your initial gut feeling when he started radio silence nailed it. It is a law - when a guy misses a bit in initial whirlpool dance of attraction - he is history. It is true - there are ways to revive a man and bring him back into a dance. But since this moment r/s will stop being about attraction and will become a game of control and power.

 

This is one of the best quotes I have ever read on ENA.

[Sarah691607309662]

Batya, I read your story with a great interest! You are an exception!

 

I remember when I was dating a lot in my twenties, there was no Internet or cell phones. All communication was real or over the phone. So if a guy says "I will call you Monday at 6 pm" and he does not call - he is history. I mean, if he calls at 7 pm and profusely apologizes for the delay (means he was lucky that I STILL was around a phone by that time), AND he does not repeat this again... sure. We are all human. But normally if a man does not call when he said he would, it is a sign. Only then I was thinking that it was not a sign of disinterest, I saw it as a sign of dysfunction.

 

In fact, OP's story is also the story of a Guy's dysfunction. He is clearly consumed with her during a few dates they had. As soon as distance is put between them, he disconnects. This points out that most likely a guy is not emotionally healthy. Also, most likely what was perceived by OP as loads of chemistry - was actually him basking in the rays of OP's attraction to him. In other words - the man most likely pursues his own image in the eyes of his dates. Not the dates. OP obviously inflated his ego very well and he felt really good with her. But when the distance happened, he had to find another source of ego boost and he did.

[pinkelephant]

in my opinion, half of the fun of dating is the uncertainty and going nuts over what they mean and if they're gonna call. but you gotta treat it as fun. i was talking to this guy who was super sweet, great banter but then he got insecure??? sucked the fun right out of it and now i don't even feel like calling him back. dating is fun and light. if you're having fun, then take it for what it is. otherwise, you're just ruining the fun and the attraction.

[Misskitty16]

in my opinion, half of the fun of dating is the uncertainty and going nuts over what they mean and if they're gonna call. but you gotta treat it as fun. i was talking to this guy who was super sweet, great banter but then he got insecure??? sucked the fun right out of it and now i don't even feel like calling him back. dating is fun and light. if you're having fun, then take it for what it is. otherwise, you're just ruining the fun and the attraction.

 

OMG, it's the uncertainty that to me is the nightmare! You have the right attitude, though. It should be treated as "fun". Sometimes we want something so badly we lose sight of that.

[Sarah691607309662]

Analyzing back all my dating developments I can definitely say - those developments that had uncertainty to them - ALL of them were short lived or convoluted somehow. And "uncertainty" was not fun. Usually it was my gut feeling saying "you are making a mistake", "it is too good to be true", and "a man is a con artist and you want to think he is a prince".

 

There is a good saying "where is love there is no question". Genuine interest, respect, friendship, joy of seeing each other do not deliver uncertainty.

 

However, I do observe that in modern times dating game is a lot of a power game. Confidence and power are main traits people are attracted to. To exercise power and confidence one can not get upset or even react certain ways to "uncertainty", which usually manifests itself through the mild put downs. One has to gain momentum and return the uncertainty back with a happy smiley face. As a result people are playing a game Pursuer vs Resister by constantly changing roles. I guess, it might be fun too, even sexy, but I have never been into that. In my opinion when two people get to know each other, there is so much to discover and explore, so much to share and tell, so much to do, to think about, to enjoy...that getting stuck in a power play seems very boring to me.

[Misskitty16]

This is all so true.....I have engaged in it myself, only to be burned in the end as it does require a fairly thick skin. But at the end of the day, two people shouldn't have to resort to such antics, anyways.

[fifregister]

in my opinion, half of the fun of dating is the uncertainty and going nuts over what they mean and if they're gonna call. but you gotta treat it as fun. i was talking to this guy who was super sweet, great banter but then he got insecure??? sucked the fun right out of it and now i don't even feel like calling him back. dating is fun and light. if you're having fun, then take it for what it is. otherwise, you're just ruining the fun and the attraction.

 

The two aren't mutually exclusive. It's both fun and frustrating =) I read this interesting quote that says love is like loving your first bicycle ride head over handles. Before the mouth full of gravel and blood you could've sworn you were flying.

 

Not that my recent disappointment was anything like love. It was just brief intense infatuation.