Insane Chemistry then Text Limbo

[Fixee]

Dating is one of those things that doesn't get any better the more you do it. I mean I've become a great "dater," but the marginal fun has tremendously decreased. It's like a sport that you don't like participating in, but are forced to do because of social pressures saying it's not ok to die with 50 cats. So b.s.

 

I am on the complete opposite end of the curve: the last time I dated (1997) people didn't text and internet dating was for nerds and misfits. Now I can have 3 dates a week with relatively normal people, if I want. Wow.

 

To me it's new and exciting and I'm unpracticed at it. But I guess you get better and even "peak" at some point and then it becomes tiring. I hope I don't get to that point.

 

I really want to be a fly on the wall on one of your dates... just to see how a great "dater" comports herself. You can't find stuff like that on Youtube.

[Fixee]

I call almost any new person “dear”, “sweetie” "boo" and “darling” within the first few minutes of our relationship. This doesn’t mean anything, because...

I call 90% of my female (and some of my male) friends “dear”, “sweetie” "boo" and “darling”, too. It means the same thing as when I say it to a male paramour: practically nothing.

 

This girl I'm seeing called me "Hun" in text. She's from the south. First thing I thought of was Attila the Hun.

[fifregister]

I am on the complete opposite end of the curve: the last time I dated (1997) people didn't text and internet dating was for nerds and misfits. Now I can have 3 dates a week with relatively normal people, if I want. Wow.

 

To me it's new and exciting and I'm unpracticed at it. But I guess you get better and even "peak" at some point and then it becomes tiring. I hope I don't get to that point.

 

I really want to be a fly on the wall on one of your dates... just to see how a great "dater" comports herself. You can't find stuff like that on Youtube.

 

Sure next time you're in Manhattan, I'll give you time and place, and you can show up and sit at a nearby table, with a fake mustache and newspaper infront of your face =)

 

Dating can be extremely fun, but there's the law of decreasing marginal returns especially IF you have long term goals in mind. It becomes very very tiresome.

 

I imagine even more so for men because you have to put effort into asking the woman out, suggesting a place, being nice if she's not attractive, making sure you're on your A game if you're attracted to her, paying for the date, and then doing it all over again until after a few hundred dates you become a soulless dating automaton.

[Batya33]

"I imagine even more so for men because you have to put effort into asking the woman out, suggesting a place, being nice if she's not attractive, making sure you're on your A game if you're attracted to her, paying for the date, and then doing it all over again until after a few hundred dates you become a soulless dating automaton."

 

When I did first meets I often suggested meeting up (although I let the man ask me out on a date). I had to put effort into showing up on time, looking nice and being nice, including in the middle of a work day or after a long day at work. I was great at meeting people and dating -met over 100 men through dating sites, for example, but it was frustrating doing the rinse repeat to find my match.

[Fixee]

I can't fathom meeting over 100 people for first dates from OLD... I would think you could adequately vet people online (pics, some chatting) to know whether you'll find them attractive in real life, no? Suppose you try this and you're wrong 50% of the time... that's still 50 people you're attracted to. Now suppose only 1/2 of those like you as well.

 

That's 25 boyfriends... assuming each last 1 years, you're done with a lifetime of dating (although you might want to marry one of them and be done with it all).

 

How do you date 100+ people and end up single?

[wilyone 11]

Hi Fifregister,

 

First of all, you seem incredibly cool.

 

I know exactly how disappointing it is when you have INSANE chemistry with a guy, some great dates and then he goes POOF. It is so disappointing because that kind of chemistry is so incredibly hard to find, and so exhilarating when it happens.

 

In my experience, this is a fairly common phenomenom. Men come on really strong in the beginning and then often disappear as if they've lost interest. In fact, the more intense the chemistry, the more likely the man is to pull back and try to regain control. A woman's big fear in relationships is loss of love; for a man, I'm told that it is loss of CONTROL. Supposedly, men feel a great need to be in control of their emotions, and falling in love is losing a measure of control.

 

His excuses about drama and being busy are just lame excuses. I think the truth is that he is feeling just as out of control as you are and is stepping back to regain control of himself. Whatever you do, don't take it personally.

 

The key to not letting this affect you so much is to truly focus on yourself and what is going on in your life, and not look to another person to complete you or make you happy. Focus on the goal of having a loving, fulfilling relationship rather than a particular person. You are in charge of your own happiness and you can create heaven on earth for yourself.

 

Hugs,

Wilyone

[Batya33]

I can't fathom meeting over 100 people for first dates from OLD... I would think you could adequately vet people online (pics, some chatting) to know whether you'll find them attractive in real life, no? Suppose you try this and you're wrong 50% of the time... that's still 50 people you're attracted to. Now suppose only 1/2 of those like you as well.

 

That's 25 boyfriends... assuming each last 1 years, you're done with a lifetime of dating (although you might want to marry one of them and be done with it all).

 

How do you date 100+ people and end up single?

 

I didn't "end up" anything. I spoke with hundreds of men on the phone and through e-mail -I intentionally lived in a city teeming with singles with a lot in common with me. I believed I adequately vetted because I was an excellent listener and Google was my friend. I dated on and off for 24 years (age 14-38) before reconnecting with my ex who is now my husband. I had a number of serious relationships -the men I dated short term were not "boyfriends"

 

I think there is very minimal connection if any between whether you get along on email/phone v. as real life dates so my standard was "would I have a pleasant time chatting with this person for an hour over coffee".

 

Several of my friends met their spouses on line. Many of my friends did as many or more first meets as I did.

 

I feel sorry for people who think of themselves as "end up single". I don't think of myself as "end up married". Marriage and family were beginnings not endings!

 

Edited to add -I took issue with your implication that anyone who goes on that many first meets and is "still" single must be doing something wrong. In my case, it was partly my getting in my own way and it was partly luck and timing. I know many single people who want to be married who are doing absolutely nothing wrong and are putting themselves out there over and over again and I say, good for them! I also know single people who are getting in their own way in small and large ways and I don't give them advice unless they ask and even if they do you have to be careful how it is phrased especially since I'm married (which is interesting since I have only been married 6 years but when I was single I often saw married people's advice through a negative perspective).

 

Some people are not ready to hear it. Some of the advice is awful (like "well you'll just know when it's right" or "but you have a career!" or "don't be so picky").

[fifregister]

The key to not letting this affect you so much is to truly focus on yourself and what is going on in your life, and not look to another person to complete you or make you happy. Focus on the goal of having a loving, fulfilling relationship rather than a particular person. You are in charge of your own happiness and you can create heaven on earth for yourself.

 

 

Aw thank you Wily. It's a paradox that we focus more on the areas in our lives that aren't perfect. Everything is going well (career, family, friends, hobbies, pet ) but I read from social cues that I SHOULD be married or in a relationship in my early 30s and feel that it's a shortcoming. So i fixate on it.

[fifregister]

I can't fathom meeting over 100 people for first dates from OLD... I would think you could adequately vet people online (pics, some chatting) to know whether you'll find them attractive in real life, no? Suppose you try this and you're wrong 50% of the time... that's still 50 people you're attracted to. Now suppose only 1/2 of those like you as well.

 

That's 25 boyfriends... assuming each last 1 years, you're done with a lifetime of dating (although you might want to marry one of them and be done with it all).

 

How do you date 100+ people and end up single?

 

Did you see my other post on the Drake equation? =)

 

Let's see, I didn't date over 100 people from online. It's a combination of online, mutual friends, serendipity, etc. And at this point it's probably over 200 haha.

 

If it's 200 first dates, assume that half end up second dates, and half of THAT end up third dates and so forth, and that you're in a "relationship" around date 10, you're talking about 1-2 people from a population of 200!

 

And most relationships don't work out. Also, let's say you want to marry one of the ~25 boyfriends aforementioned, it doesn't mean THEY want to marry you back. And vice versa.

[Fixee]

Did you see my other post on the Drake equation? =)

I did see it! Although I remember taking issue with it, but didn't want to go hard-core nerd on everyone.

 

Let's see, I didn't date over 100 people from online. It's a combination of online, mutual friends, serendipity, etc. And at this point it's probably over 200 haha.

I'm in awe of you (and Batya, whom I have offended apparently). I don't think I have the emotional endurance to meet that many people... I have been on... maybe... 10 first dates in my life.

 

If it's 200 first dates, assume that half end up second dates, and half of THAT end up third dates and so forth

Oh, that's an exponentially decreasing function (see, there I went). If you have 1024 first dates, and you do the "half then half then half" thing, you are out of people in 11 days.

 

I end up in relationships about 1/2 the time I go on a first date. I guess I either vet really well, or I'm super non-picky (but you can also point my divorce and say, "maybe you should have been more careful").

 

, and that you're in a "relationship" around date 10, you're talking about 1-2 people from a population of 200!

Yeah, just not my experience. I've never had 3+ dates that didn't lead to a relationship. I've had a few first dates that didn't go to a 2nd (maybe 4 or 5 first dates... usually that she didn't like me).

 

And most relationships don't work out. Also, let's say you want to marry one of the ~25 boyfriends aforementioned, it doesn't mean THEY want to marry you back. And vice versa.

It's a small wonder the species survives when you look at the numbers this way.

 

Back to arranged marriages!!

[Fixee]

I feel sorry for people who think of themselves as "end up single". I don't think of myself as "end up married". Marriage and family were beginnings not endings!

I didn't mean "end up" as something bad... ending up single or married is fine by many people. I just meant that someone who is dating is probably looking for a different outcome than being single (fifregister channels this feeling in this thread, in fact).

 

I'm sorry if I offended you with the wording. It was not my intent.

 

Edited to add -I took issue with your implication that anyone who goes on that many first meets and is "still" single must be doing something wrong.

Not my intended implication. I just figured that someone searching that hard would find what she's looking for.... or at least I would hope she did. There was no implication that therefore, she's bad at searching.

[Batya33]

What I found many many times were that my fabulous women friends -all around fabulous, inside and out, searched as hard or harder than I did and did not meet their match - it's not a guarantee and it's not like searching for a job or a good graduate school, etc. There's that elusive quality that can make a huge difference so with all respect I disagree with your assumption.

 

When I dated the outcome I wanted was marriage and family. I reconnected with my husband right before I turned 39. I had a number of opportunities to marry wonderful men prior to that time but they were not the right match.

[fifregister]

"Oh, that's an exponentially decreasing function (see, there I went). If you have 1024 first dates, and you do the "half then half then half" thing, you are out of people in 11 days."

 

I've gone on so many first dates that one of my friends met a guy on Tinder, in Manhattan, and yeah I'd gone out with him (he didn't quite make date 3.) It's scary, and funny, and depressing.

[Batya33]

My friends and I dated and met many of the same guys which helped us screen out some guys -or screen them in -there's a cover for every teapot, etc.

[Fixee]

Here's a synopsis of my dating life:

 

1) Meet someone at a party, rockclimbing, in a class, through work and find myself attracted to her (based on appearance and a few light conversations).

 

2) Ask her out. She usually says yes because I wouldn't do this unless I thought she was interested.

 

3) First date.. the usual awkwardness ensues. However, I have never changed my mind about being interested after the first date(!)

 

4) I ask for 2nd date. 60% of the time she says yes

 

5) If the 2nd date happens, it always turns into a LTR.

 

The problem here is that even if see red flags at or after the first date, I don't call it off. And apparently these women have the same issue, because they don't either.

 

I probably should adopt your (fif and batya) strategy: keep a distance and stay objective through the first 5-10 dates, making sure this is really someone I want to invest in. But I never do this.

 

I'm trying to change my ways now, for the first time. Multidating (which some folks here find distasteful) for the first time. And not planning the wedding after a few dates... just taking it slow. Maybe I'll find a better fit this way.

 

But interestingly, I've fallen for the first woman I went out with. Continuing to meet other women after this has been a waste of time.... so there goes the old pattern again. Sigh...

[Batya33]

I didn't keep a distance or stay objective -how boring! There's a way to balance so you have fun getting to know the person while still maintaining your own life/social life/fun so that you naturally evaluate the person at a reasonable pace. No need to take it "slow". I always multi-dated because I wanted marriage and it made no sense to limit my options too quickly with a brand new person and miss out on other opportunities to meet potential matches. I did not have casual sex. My husband and I were exclusive from the first date because we had dated seriously in the past and were going to be long distance -not worth it to get involved in that situation without giving it 100%. And we gave it at least 110%.