Is it ok to distance myself from my family, especially my sister?

[Avro1986]

Hi!

 

I am 28 years old and living with my sister who is 27. I am a man. I am finishing my second M.Sc. and applying for PhD. I am living with my sister because it is financially beneficial. There has always been a competition between us. I mean, when we're alone, things are ok. But when there is other family members, especially my dad and his wife(mom gone years ago), my sister very often tries to be the centre of attention. When I get attention, she just become quiet or y. The thing is this: I've always been the conservative type. I save up money, I work continually and plan ahead (e.g. school). My sister has always been more the "YOLO" type. However, now she's paying for it and seems jealous of me: she has a lot of debts, left her city where she had all her work contacts to come here with her ex boyfriend (whom she was with for 1 year) to live together...to be dumped. Now, she lost her contacts. We warned her: stay where you are and build your career. But no...

 

The problem is this: she always does what she wants, but when she crashes, we're expected to help her out...otherwise (especially me) we're the "bad guys". We've helped her financially a lot over the years (giving and lending money, buying her a winter jacket, giving her money for gas, buying some of her art, paying for her car insurances...). For example, we split the rent, but I pay the big chuck of the electricity, cable, and internet. Yet, she still acts entitled because we're family. She started her masters but now, she's thinking about doing part-time and get a job. I get frustrated because we help her and once she's ok, she does what she wants again. She doesn't seem to realize that this help won't last for ever. I want to leave the city to do my PhD. What gets me really mad sometimes is when she forgets who she's talking to: she can be very arrogant and disrespectful when we express our opinions. Once, I told her off about how we helped her financially when she went on a tangent saying that we're not helping her, and she became mad crying calling me a f*cking bastard. I felt bad and apologized, but nonetheless, I feel that I need to keep records of what we did for her because otherwise, she has a selective memory. Last night, we were in the car with my dad. She was talking about applying for a supervisor job and talking about difficult employees. I gave my opinion about dealing with such employees, and she blatantly stated: "You'll never be a good leader with this attitude! You may have read this, but until you have managed a lot of employees, you don't know what you're talking about." Then, as I kept talking, she made the hand gesture "this is the smallest world violin" in front of my dad. I got really mad, and threatened her with violence (which I shouldn't have). She then said: "Ok. This conversation is over! I refuse to talk to you anymore!" She always does that: she keeps pushing you more and more, and when you get mad, she's condescending and acts as "the bigger person." Afterwards, she's wonders why I don't want to talk to her. My dad keeps making excuses for her behaviours, telling me: "why are you so mad? There's no reason." She lived with him and his wife for several years when doing her BA. If I do the same thing to her, then I'm the bad guy. I just want to leave.

 

Does anyone have something similar situation? I don't believe that being family gives you absolute rights.

[mhowe]

Being family doesn't give you rights --- nor is threatening violence even remotely ok.

 

I suggest you stop enabling her with money. I also suggest you stop living together.

[jimthzz]

Just move out already, make your own way in life.

[WithLove]

Can you move out and in with your parents instead?

[annie24]

I'd rather move out and by myself in a studio apartment, or move in with other roommates who will split bills with less drama. Also, don't threaten your sister with violence. not cool.

[saluk]

Yes it's OK to have distance, and it sounds like that's what everyone really needs here!

 

Do you feel as if you are achieving what you want in life, with all of your rules, planning, and not indulging in anything? Perhaps you are jealous because how she lives seems to work so well for her. But there is no need to compare situations or be jealous, even as close as you all may be you aren't the one living her life. She probably gets jealous too, and wishes she didn't have to rely on everyone so much, and feels like a screw-up.

 

It's pretty common for siblings so close in age like you guys are to have a competitive streak. But you both need to learn some conflict resolution skills, and you should work on your anger. There's no need for a difference of opinion to escalate as much as it did. If she is being immature, you don't have to sink down to her level.

[catfeeder]

It makes no sense to position yourself in an unhealthy situation and then complain about it. If you feel ripped off, go start your own life on your own. And stop offering your opinion to your sister--she resents it, then you resent her.

 

If every time you press button A, B pops up, and you hate B, then stop pressing button A.

 

Head high, and be as kind as you can about moving out and moving on. You will thank yourself later for not creating a villain just to force yourself to do what you can simply do with compassion, love and maturity. It's a decision.