I feel like dying; everything comes at the same time! And now mom has cancer

[Buco24]

Hi dear ena community,

 

I've posted here a few times, if you're interested in my story you can read it on this forum.

 

The last few months, started September 14, my life changed so much that I don't know what to do anymore.

 

When you read my story then you know how much I went back and forth with my ex bf.

 

The last time we tried he broke up with me out of the blue..

He talked to my best gf afterwards, told her very positive stuff, that he knows I'm probably the one, that finding someone who loves him that much like I do probably never happens again bla bla. He even talked to his friends and mom. His mom loves me and says I would be the perfect daughter in law and she'll never get a better one.

 

After a week he wanted to talk to my gf again and this time talked totally different. He doesn't know what will happen, we shouldn't be in contact, he just figured out his problem and wants to work on it and so on.

 

I have very important exams in the end of April and then will most probably change my job because he works there too. He said we should wait that time and see afterwards.

He doesn't want to be the reason for me failing my exams. And I said that anytime anything can happen in people's lives and he doesn't need to be the reason if I failed.

 

How ironic.. A week later my mom got a call from her doc telling her to get to the hospital asap.

 

A few days later my mom got diagnosed with pancreas cancer.

 

When I first heard that I thought I'm dying. Everything else seemed so irrelevant except my mom.

 

I couldn't work, eat, drink or concentrate.

Another week later my mom already got a surgery.

 

My ex and I had a lot of contact during that time, we texted and called and so on.

 

I felt better with him being around but I wanted more help. My sisters both have their guys supporting them and I feel like I have no one.

 

And now the last time we talked was a week ago. He said he doesn't want to be involved that emotionally.

 

I feel like all this situation pushed me more in his direction.

 

At the same time we had to bring my grandma to an old peoples home. We were caring for her the last 15 years. It was such a difficult decision for us all.

 

We cried and didn't want to bring her there but we all are working full time and can't give her the time she needs.

 

She's confined to bed, has Alzheimer's like in final stage. She can't do anything on her own. She doesn't even talk.

 

It's like hell on earth right now and I don't know what to do.

 

I wake up and think there's nothing left what can happen and life says wait and see what happens and bams again something bad happens.

 

I went to the therapist I once went after everything with my bf happened and she's still saying the same. I wouldn't need any therapy that I am really strong and that even in a situation like this I'd do the right decisions.

 

I have so many fears right now.

Will my mom live and get well again? What will happen to my grandma, will she get the care we gave her at home?

Will I pass my exams and will I find a new job?

Will my ex ever get back to me?

 

Those are all questions which are killing me slowly..

 

I know most of you will think forget about that jerk you have bigger problems. Yeah you're right but you can't imagine my mind, my feelings.. Everything is just so hard.

 

Once again life showed me nothing is for granted, nothing at all!

 

We need to enjoy life, every second of it!

 

I can't see a nice future for me right now, everything is just so bad..

 

I am really struggling with life right now and don't know what to do.

 

I know there's no one or anything that can help me. I don't even know why I'm posting here..

 

I just want all of you to appreciate life, every second of it and don't waste it!

 

Take care xx

[jphcbpa]

Hugs and Prayers!

[1a1a]

Getting the thoughts out of your head and written down helps.

 

I also think it might be worth trying another therapist, not all are good, and what makes a therapist good for one person, might not apply to another. And that one was no help, but that doesn't mean there isn't one out there who can help you unpack and process all of your things that you're dealing with right now.

 

Another thing, practice self care. Work out what self care looks like for you (maybe it's exercising, or eating well, getting enough sleep, or setting aside time to read/goof off on the internet/watch your favourite movies, treating yourself to a latte - the small pleasures in life.) When life gets busy or overwhelming or both it's easy to neglect self care as trivial but it's really important for maintaining mental health.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry for for what you're going through. Been there.

 

When my relationship ended, my brother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I reached out to the ex, but he was not emotionally present, as we were split up. Please try not to contact the boyfriend, as he will not be able to to give you the support you will need, and it can also make things even more difficult - Lean on family, friends and other support systems for help. Right now, all of your focus should be on your mother and grandmother. Believe me, when you look back on this, you will see how insignificant your boyfriend was. He is temporary, and your mom and grandmother need all of your focus.

 

I would find a cancer support group. Helped me with my brother. If Gilda's Club is in your area, they are fantastic!

[Buco24]

Hugs and Prayers!

 

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it! x

 

 

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[Buco24]

Getting the thoughts out of your head and written down helps.

 

I also think it might be worth trying another therapist, not all are good, and what makes a therapist good for one person, might not apply to another. And that one was no help, but that doesn't mean there isn't one out there who can help you unpack and process all of your things that you're dealing with right now.

 

Another thing, practice self care. Work out what self care looks like for you (maybe it's exercising, or eating well, getting enough sleep, or setting aside time to read/goof off on the internet/watch your favourite movies, treating yourself to a latte - the small pleasures in life.) When life gets busy or overwhelming or both it's easy to neglect self care as trivial but it's really important for maintaining mental health.

 

Thank you so much!! I will try to get some spare time for myself! I love working out but didn't get to do it the last weeks. I think it might help me.

 

It's all just too much right now. It's like I'm not living I'm only existing.

 

I really can't see the light at the end of the tunnel..

 

But I still hope and try being optimistic, that's what I normally am, an optimist but it's still hard though. It's like I'm lying to myself.

 

Ahh I don't know what to think or do anymore!!

 

Thanks for your kind words! x

 

 

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[Buco24]

I'm sorry for for what you're going through. Been there.

 

When my relationship ended, my brother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I reached out to the ex, but he was not emotionally present, as we were split up. Please try not to contact the boyfriend, as he will not be able to to give you the support you will need, and it can also make things even more difficult - Lean on family, friends and other support systems for help. Right now, all of your focus should be on your mother and grandmother. Believe me, when you look back on this, you will see how insignificant your boyfriend was. He is temporary, and your mom and grandmother need all of your focus.

 

I would find a cancer support group. Helped me with my brother. If Gilda's Club is in your area, they are fantastic!

 

I'm sorry that you had to go through all this! I know how you must've felt!!

 

I really hate myself for being that insecure and needing him. For letting him a part of myself although I'm in that situation. My mom deserves all my attention, I know that and that's why I hate myself more each day.

 

That I'm so sad he's not there for me. I really feel so lost and feel like he would be the best medicine right now but I know i won't get it from him and that's killing me.

 

You're right I will hate myself even more when I look back one day and think how temporary and unnecessary he was.

 

It is really hard to stay positive and think about a bright and nice and happy future!

 

Maybe I don't deserve it

 

I hope you're alright and happy now?!

 

I wish you all the best and thank you so much for your kind words! It's nice to know that here are so nice and caring people without knowing each other!

 

Take care and thanks again! x

 

 

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[jphcbpa]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it! x

 

 

Love and light your way...

[mhowe]

I went through this 2 years ago...aggressive dementia with my mother.

The only way out...is through. People say "one day at a time"... And even that was overwhelming.

 

It got down to 3 hrs at a time. You cannot fix it, you cannot stop it. You can only endure it.

 

Remember to breathe.

[Hollyj]

I know, I felt the same. I wanted him to be there, but he wasn't. It was frustrating, until I acknowledged the truth.

 

Hon, this is a very difficult time. All I can say, is be there for them, as much as you can. My brother and I had been on the outs, due to the cancer - your mother may become different, i suggest a support group or read up on how people react in these times. The patient can be quite challenging, but they are also scared as hell. Understandable. Luckily, in the final three weeks of life, he let me back in, and we were close again. These are the most important times for me. I lost my dad nine months back - It's been a tough four years. I am surviving fine and watching out for my mother. Tough times truly make you see what is important, and we're both OK.

 

I've learned a lot in this time. I recognize what is important and also keep dependable, loving people around me. i no longer have any patience for toxic or flaky friends.

 

Stay strong. Be the loving daughter and granddaughter that you are. You will be OK, even though these are tough times.

 

The best thing you can do for your family is to try to keep your grades up. Please don't do your own medical research on the Internet. I would also see if their are any any clinical trials being done.

 

Big hug!!!!!!

[jphcbpa]

Platitudes might not be what you want to hear. Just know that you must be sooooo strong for all this to be coming to you at once. Surrender it to your higher power one day at a time.

 

Allow this time in your life to do with you what it will, be with it. Try to see how connected all of this is (healing, new path, letting go, accepting, surrender). Attempt to see how it can open you fully and prepare you for serving others on the other side. Shift your focus as best you can to knowing this is happening for you and not to you.

[Buco24]

I went through this 2 years ago...aggressive dementia with my mother.

The only way out...is through. People say "one day at a time"... And even that was overwhelming.

 

It got down to 3 hrs at a time. You cannot fix it, you cannot stop it. You can only endure it.

 

Remember to breathe.

 

I am sorry you went through this!

 

Thanks for your encouraging words.

 

Some days I wake up and everything seems normal first but then it gets in my mind and everything is bad again.

 

Sometimes I just wanna sleep forever! I feel weak but then strong at the same time. But actually I feel lost though.

 

It's like everything happened back to back and that's what's really hard to handle.

 

And then I get bad thoughts and think I must've deserved this that's why it happened.

 

I hope to get through this somehow. You're right I can't change it and I have to live it.

 

I promise to breathe! Thanks mhowe! x

 

 

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[mhowe]

At the same time my mother was dying...my brother had to have 2 heart procedures and I broke up with my bf. I understand OVERWHELMING!!

 

When I woke up in the morning...for those few seconds before I was fully awake I would not be overwhelmed. And then I would open my eyes and realize I had to get up and slog through another day with cement boots on. And some days I would think...I cannot do this one more day.

 

But I knew my mother needed me until she drew her last breath. And so with that resolve...I got up and started again. And again. And again.

 

You will come out of this stronger than you ever dreamed possible. If I may suggest...get the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. It helped me immensely.

 

You will come through this...it just sucks.

[Buco24]

You're right, I need to accept he's not coming back and never will! Now would've been the time to be there but he isn't and that's a statement I have to accept! It's killing me though

 

I have to say my mom is the strongest among us (my dad and my two sisters).

She's positive and a real fighter! If there's someone to fight this bad cancer then it's surely my mom.

 

I am sorry for your dads loss

I think you're a really strong person! I hope to be as strong as you are.

 

I've sworn to myself to not Google anything about pancreas cancer but couldn't help myself and did it anyways. I know not everyone is the same. I'm still trying to keep my hopes up. She got a surgery which is a good sign.

We will get the final results on the first day of my exams I hope they'll be good otherwise I don't know how to survive the second day of exams!

 

I know my mom knows I'm sad because of my ex. That's why I hate myself even more. I don't want her to think about me and my problems! They're nothing compared to fighting for your life!

 

I will try what you said and be strong. I will try not to allow unnecessary people in my life get me to the ground and make me struggle.

 

I think it's time to realize what's important in life and what's not!

 

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it!! x

 

 

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[Buco24]

At the same time my mother was dying...my brother had to have 2 heart procedures and I broke up with my bf. I understand OVERWHELMING!!

 

When I woke up in the morning...for those few seconds before I was fully awake I would not be overwhelmed. And then I would open my eyes and realize I had to get up and slog through another day with cement boots on. And some days I would think...I cannot do this one more day.

 

But I knew my mother needed me until she drew her last breath. And so with that resolve...I got up and started again. And again. And again.

 

You will come out of this stronger than you ever dreamed possible. If I may suggest...get the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser. It helped me immensely.

 

You will come through this...it just sucks.

 

Oh god it sounds like you're speaking out of my soul! I am so sorry that you went through all of this!! I know how hard that really must've been for you!

 

That's exactly how I feel when I wake up. For a few seconds I feel ok and then one thought follows the other and I don't know how to get though the day.

 

There are so many things I feel responsible for and my family needs help with, that I feel really egoistic that I even dare to think about my ex and want him back and be there for me and support me.

 

Since we got the news with my moms illness my whole world changed and every day I thought I am not strong enough to get through this but yet you wake up each morning and have to get through the day.

 

There's a feeling in my heart since I got the news which I can't describe. It's like my heart is gonna flip out in an instant.

 

I don't know how to handle everything.

 

I believe everything happens for a reason and we somehow will get through this but right now I can't see how.

 

You mhowe are so strong and I believe that all made you stronger and I hope that I'll get to where you are and come out stronger than ever.

 

Thank you so so much!! x

 

 

 

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